Obsessive Lily Disorder
by Procrastinator-starting2moro
Summary: James worships the ground Lily, er, throws him on? Includes stalking, Polyjuice potion and James attempting many acts of suicide such as drowning his head in toilet bowls because Apple Of His Eye Evans hates his guts. Or does she? Complete .
1. Confined in the broom closet

**A/N:** I warn you of incoming randomness, and please do not eat food or sip any drink whilst reading this story. Many readers are planning to sue me for getting their faces melted with coffee or choking on popcorn. Any out-of-character Marauders and somewhat stereotypical personas is purely for comedic effect (at least, that's my excuse) so overall, this is James and Lily's story from my warped mind.

**Disclaimer**: I own nothing, except my sadistic humour.

* * *

**_Obsessive-Lily-Disorder_**

**Chapter 1**

"I'm bored," complained Sirius. "I want to do something."

"And I want a million galleons," James retorted. "But we can't have everything now, can we."

The Marauders--Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs--had somehow manoeuvred themselves into the space of the broom closet.

None of them were gymnasts or skilled in the art of flexibility, no matter how much Sirius protested he'd gotten into some very dirty and supple moves with a sexy Hufflepuff under one of the Great hall tables at breakfast.

"Ughh," Remus uttered with distaste. "Did any of you have a bath?" he asked, trying to block his nose with the odd position of his arm that was bent in such an unnatural way.

The four sixth year boys had cramped themselves in one of Hogwarts number one snogging spots, something they would most certainly not share with anyone, _ever_. Of course, it would probably emotionally scar them for the rest of their lives, and maybe physically too with each others unusually sharp and pointy limbs. The boys were in very close approximates of each other. _Much too close._

"Peter, your knee is getting dangerously near my groin area," Remus said uncomfortably. "I suggest you move it."

"Better do what the man says, Wormtail, or Moony might unleash his inner werewolf on you," Sirius warned him, fidgeting as he tried making himself in a more comfortable position - or in fact, some sort of position of cosiness free of pain. Peter mumbled an apology to Remus, and then tried redirecting his leg to another position.

"Merlin, Wormtail! Now your leg is practically riding up my arse!"

"Shhh!" James glared at his friends who were being, in his opinion, totally selfish. He turned his gaze back on the gap of the door where he was spying for a particular someone outside it.

"James, was it really necessary for us to join you on this... er, observation?" Remus couldn't find a right word to explain what on earth he was doing.

James squinted as he eyed the gap. "Yes. I needed the company."

"Well, if you need the company then why won't you let us ta--?"

"_Ssshh_, Wormtail," James hushed him.

As you can tell, only one of the Marauders was there by choice, the other three dragged along for moral support, or more likely as 'groupies'.

James grimaced as he felt one of Peter's wet sneezes splatter against his face. Remus, for some odd reason, started violently coughing; all this due to Sirius' heavy cologne that was slowly suffocating them to death.

"Sirius, are you trying to gag us all?" Remus questioned. His throat was scratchy from coughing. Sirius seemed thoroughly insulted.

"I did have a date tonight," he revealed bitterly, "but then Prongs decided to drag me along to _stalk_ Evans."

"_I am not stalking Evans_!"

"Really?" said Sirius, mockingly. "Then explain to us why exactly we are in the broom closet."

James sighed and retold his explanation. "Because I overheard Evans talking to that prick Derrick that she would go kiss him in the broom closet," he spoke in very peeved tones.

"So you decided to drag us to the broom closet and kiss us instead?" Peter jumped to conclusions, very much disgusted in return.

"No, sod off. I just wanted to spy on her and stop whatever was going to happen." James smiled evilly and cracked a knuckle.

Remus backtracked to what James had said about 'accidentally' listening on Lily's conversation with the Ravenclaw.

"You 'overheard'," said Remus, unconvinced. "Elaborate."

"Alright, so I was under the invisibility Cloak and I eavesdropped! Bloody hell! Nosey Moony…"

Remus smiled as he knew James never accidentally overheard conversations, but was also a little insulted at being called nosey when James was practically one of the nosiest people he knew. Then, he thought back to the part of James' sentence mentioning the cloak. "Wait a minute, you used the Cloak. Why didn't you just use it now to spy on Lily?"

James looked at Remus blankly.

"Bugger!" He slammed his head on the broom closet door. Sirius found this all hysterically funny and laughed at James' lack of common sense. Peter giggled silently along but couldn't continue as a wad of Sirius hair had entered his mouth due to their jam-packed conditions.

"You are a perfect example of why some species eat their young," said Sirius smugly, flicking a strand of black hair out of his eyes, unfortunately elbowing Remus in the process.

"Ufftt," groaned Remus, the elbow smacking him rudely in the cheek.

"Did you think of that witty comment all by yourself?" Peter asked in awe.

"Er, no. I read it on the back of a Hogsmeade chocolate bar wrapper."

"Well, we're here now anyway, so sod the Cloak idea." James ruffled his dark hair, accidentally poking Peter in the eye.

"How long are we going to be in here?" Sirius complained. "Not that I don't love pressing up to all of you, but I've got a reputation to keep - you know, a reputation that doesn't involve hanging around with friends in enclosed spaces. Male friends especially."

"Are you saying you have female friends?" Peter asked.

"Of course I do!"

"Alright then, name one."

"Err... Bellatrix!"

"She's your cousin," Remus pointed out. "Relations don't count."

"Besides, have you forgotten that you hate her guts and want a Thestral to mow her down?" James reminded him.

"Just because I think she's a bitch doesn't mean she's not my friend," Sirius argued. "I think you're all bitches, but you're still my friends." He poked each boy in the face.

"My cheek smells of pie. Merlin knows where that finger has been," Remus said disgustedly as he wiped his face.

"What's your favourite flavour of pie?" Peter asked the boys, a slight dribble of drool slipping from the corner of his mouth at the mention of food.

"I like apple pie," said Sirius.

"I'm more of a cherry pie person myself," Peter revealed. Sirius nodded in understanding.

"No, I find peach pie-"

"Stop talking, we're not having this pie conversation _again_," Remus cut in sternly. If somebody had asked Remus to pick three people to be stuck in a closet with, similar to the famous question of being stuck on an island, lets just say he would choose more intellectual company.

"What time is it?" asked James, still focusing on the gap of door, watching intently for any signs of the redheaded girl. Sirius rolled up his sleeve and made his way to look at the watch on his wrist, but unexpectedly knocked Remus' wand which he had been holding as the only source of light in the claustrophobic room.

"Bugger," Remus cursed loudly.

They watched as the wand fell to the floor, the light only displaying their feet.

"Wow, Wormtail," Sirius said in the darkness. "Have your feet got bigger? What size are you?" He gazed at Peter's shoes.

"A nine," Peter answered. "Come to think of it, over the summer they have grown rather quickly."

"Well, Pete, you know what they say about guys with big feet-"

"One of you pick up the bloody wand," Remus interjected. The boys looked at each other inquisitively; at least, they thought they were looking at each other. It was a bit hard to tell with no light.

"I'm not picking it up. I've got James' shoulders digging into me; Pete's arms are stabbing me in the stomach, and your hair is tickling my nose," Sirius told Remus. "It's rather soft, what conditioner do you use?"

Remus ignored the question on tresses and looked at Peter with pleading - well, he sincerely hoped it was Peter.

"Can you get the wand, Peter?" Remus did not like being in the dark in such a cramped space, especially when Sirius was breathing down his neck like a homicidal mad man, occasionally making an evil snicker. It was rather unnerving.

"_I vant to suck your bloood_," Sirius murmured in what he thought was a Transylvanian, vampire accent, right against his ear.

"Sirius, you're hysterical--OW, you prat!" He clutched his neck which had suddenly been bitten by the so-called-vampire. Vampire boy laughed frenziedly.

"When you've stopped giving each other love bites," James frowned at them both, "can one of you get the bloody wand? I can feel something touching my leg…" he trailed off worriedly.

"Sorry," apologized Peter. "I was trying to loosen the belt on my trousers."

"Why?" James asked, trying to move as far away from Peter as possible, which was about a millimetre and only ended up nudging up to Sirius. He abruptly moved away from him considering he could feel sharp pointy things pierce his neck.

"Stop it, Padfoot, I don't want to catch rabies," James teased. "Carry on, Wormtail."

"I had too much food in the kitchens," Peter explained, as he rubbed his stomach. "You know those house-elves; they just keep coming back for more."

James shook his head, getting the wrong idea of that sentence. "Don't say it like that, Wormtail," he advised.

"What are you saying? That you ate the house-elves and they're giving you indigestion?" Sirius laughed. He made a sudden sound of disgust when Peter produced a loud burp.

"That's nice. That wasn't just a noisy belch, it smelt too," Remus commented, trying to gag himself with a bunch of Sirius' ebony hair.

"Oh no, I can feel it coming out of the other end," Peter squeaked. The others instinctively heard the sound of a groaning stomach in undeniable pain and tried to move as far away as possible from the ill boy.

"Oh God, I don't think this is worth it," James muttered, contemplating whether it was actually worth the wait for Lily to turn up and save her day from the wise-arse Ravenlcaw Derrick, and suffer the consequences of Peter eating more than the average wizard.

"Sirius, mate, the wand may only be showing the light shining at our feet but I can distinctively hear the sound of you scratching your crotch," James said unsavourily. He'd heard the sound of Sirius scratching his inappropriate place so many times that he knew the noise off by heart. It was occasionally heard in their dormitory before they went to sleep, resulting in many pillows hurled at Sirius' head.

"Peter, for Christ's sake, just pick up the wand," James ordered. "I would, but I seemed to be pinned against the wall by the blood-sucking vampire."

"No!" Sirius argued, making Remus think he was about to protest that he was not barbaric or bloodthirsty. "You can't let Peter get the wand! He'll have to bend over. And then he might suddenly let one rip, and his arse will probably explode. Can you imagine the mess? We'll all be covered in buttocks! Peter's buttocks!"

"That's a risk I'm willing to take," Remus grumbled. Peter was about to obligingly bend down and reach for the wand, no matter how much his stomach was wailing unrecognisable tunes and how ill he felt. However, Sirius had swatted his hand to Peter's stomach in protest.

"No, Pete," Sirius spoke with odd heroicness. "I'll do it."

The boys listened as they heard the rustling sound of Sirius squirming and his limbs bending in odd positions.

"Oh God, oh God," Remus mumbled. "Don't bend down, Sirius, don't-" He stopped and winced as Sirius had indeed ignored his advice and bent down, his arse sticking up against him. "Oh bugger. I would just like to mention that I will possibly be drowning myself in one of the baths or toilets of the Prefect bathroom later."

"Choose the bath, its cleaner." Sirius advised, while he managed to grab the wand from the floor and squirm himself to some sort of standing position. "You wouldn't want to drown yourself in a toilet after Snape pissed down it." He handed the wand to Remus, though it looked a little bent.

"Uh," started Sirius, noticing Remus' wary look. "I kind of stepped on it. Woops?"

"Thanks," Remus replied ungratefully, "for stomping on my wand, rubbing your arse up against me and suggesting an appropriate choice of committing suicide."

"I did not stomp," Sirius asserted. "I merely trod."

"I don't feel so well..." mumbled Peter, trying to hold back the vomit that was trying to escape.

"_Bloody hell_," James complained. "I am never taking you guys out again!"

"Come to think of it, Wormtail, I don't feel so well either," Sirius spoke, suddenly feeling ill and claustrophobic. "The room is spinning. I suddenly feel faint." He pressed a hand to his forehead. "Is it me or is this closet getting smaller?"

"That's not possible," Remus answered grimly, his nose and face now flattened against a wall.

"I can't breathe," Sirius panted, clutching his neck. "There's no air in here, man!"

"Of course there's air," Remus scolded him. "If there wasn't air then we'd be dead."

"I feel like I'm dying, Moony!"

"You were fine until a second ago!"

"It's some sudden illness!" protested Sirius. "My neck, Moony! It feels so tight!"

"At least yours wasn't bitten into," Remus retorted, putting a hand over his neck. _Even_ feeling teeth marks.

"Look at that, Prongs," Sirius said, grabbing the wand from Remus and shining it over the boy's neck. "It looks just like a hickey!" Sirius winked and elbowed him exctiedly. "If anyone asks, you got a little carried away with that hot blonde Ravenclaw. Georgina, I think her name is."

"I have a feeling I will be wearing a scarf tomorrow."

"But it's summer."

"Screw the season."

"She's there!" James whispered delightedly, spotting Lily through the gap of the door. He growled at the boy whose arm was wrapped tightly around her waist. The boy named Derrick was -in James' opinion- tall and lanky; his blonde spikey hair resembling a bleached headgehog. This was why it was a surprise that Lily even considered meeting with him: she hated cruelty to animals.

Derrick grabbed at the door handle of the broom closet, turning the knob feverishly. James smiled as Derrick twisted the knob but couldn't open the door as James was holding the handle from the other side.

"Shit, it's locked," Derrick cursed. "It's never locked." He slammed his weight against the door, confused to why it wouldn't open.

He wasn't being the most sincere guy in the wizarding world, his words blatantly suggesting that the broom closet was a regular spot he visited. Lily watched uncomfortably as Derrick swore at the door.

"Oh, it's locked, is it? What a shame!" Lily lied, thankfully grateful that the door would not open. She was thoroughly going off Derrick by the passing seconds. "Well, I _just_ remembered that I've got homework to do so I'll be going--"

Lily abruptly stopped talking as Derrick slammed his lips against hers with urgency. She preferred soft kisses - she was most definitely not getting them now.

"Screw the door," Derrick muttered, sticking his tongue down Lily's throat, much to her surprise.

"I'll kill him!" James hissed, about to make his appearance and beat the Ravenclaw boy to a pulp - however, Remus held him back.

"James, she isn't going to be happy to find you spying on her in the broom closet," he pointed out, holding on to his shoulders.

James struggled against his grip. "OW! Sod off!" He exclaimed, as Sirius had swiftly grabbed a fistful of his hair to keep him from attacking the Ravenclaw. "Look at her, she's definitely not happy about being kissed by him," he pointed out, making his friends look through the gap of the door to watch Lily and Derrick smooching.

"Yeah…That's why she's kissing him back?" Peter replied uncertainly, and James glared at him. The four boys pressed their eight nosey eyes to the gap, watching as Derrick pressed Lily against the corridor wall, thoroughly examining the insides of Lily's mouth with his tongue. The redhead didn't seem to be complaining.

"The sound of their kissing is making me gag!" Sirius pulled a face.

"Shut up, Sirius," snapped James. "Anyway, I bet you she's thinking about me when she's kissing him," his tone laced with smugness. His friends burst into mocking, silent laughter, but quickly stopped when the sound of James' name was called… from _Lily's_ lips.

"Mmm, James..." she moaned audibly into Derrick's mouth.

All the boys gaped, including Derrick who broke away from Lily like he was singed by a game of Exploding Snap. Lily's eyes widened at the name she'd just moaned and pressed a hand to her gawking face.

"What did you just say?" Derrick demanded, but he quickly swivelled round at the sound of cheering from the broom closet.

"Oh yeah! She said my name! MY NAME!" James rooted triumphantly as he bounced up and down, resembling Sirius in his Animagus form after being drugged with coffee. Predictably, James jumping in the cramped closet was not a good idea. As the rest of the Marauders in the closet grimaced at his sudden loudness and jerking limbs, James accidentally fell back, his arm twisting and knocking against the door handle, making the broom closet door swing open. The four boys yelped as they fell out of the closet and on to the corridor floor at the surprised Lily and Derrick's feet.

"This is not good for my health," Remus mumbled; Sirius was currently laid on top of him like a tablecloth, making no signs of moving anytime soon.

"Ugh, a foursome." Derrick cast dirty looks at the boys. Peter, as if on cue, suddenly vomited from all that earlier intake of food: all over Derrick's feet.

Sirius examined Derrick's vomit-covered shoes from the ground. "You have small shoes," he commented.

"Merlin's beard..." Derrick was unsure whether to move now his shoes which were all squishy and covered in goodness knows that.

"Good one, Wormtail," congratulated James, as he lay on the floor. He patted Peter on the back gratefully which only made Peter vomit more. Derrick yelped as the sick got dangerously near him again. James turned his attention to Lily who seemed paralysed with fear, shock and disgust, all at the same time.

"Potter," she began, looking wide-eyed. "Y-you didn't hear me say-"

"Oh yes, Evans," James cut in, in his most seductive voice. "I did." He tried to turn his gaze away from Peter's mushed breakfast to the beautifully startled red-haired girl before him.

Lily shook her head furiously. "No-no-NO!" she argued, stomping her feet. "I said your name because I was thinking of how much you aggravate me!"

"Didn't sound like that to me," commented Sirius, groaning in pain as Lily promptly kicked him in the stomach.

"Shut up, Black!"

"Ow. Lily, you realise when you hurt Sirius, who is currently on top of me, you cause pain to me as well."

Lily cringed, "Sorry, Remus."

James took his opportunity to ask that oh-so-familiar question. "Evans, go out with me?"

Lily breathed of indignant anger. "I cannot believe you! You arrogant little… You stupid… You… you immature… AARGH!" she ended in frustration, not able to get out her insults. Not feeling she could stand the sight of him any longer, she stalked down the corridor away from him.

"Should I take that as a yes?" James called after her. "Evans? Hey--Evans? If you're trying to be funny by ignoring me, I'd just like to mention that it's not funny! Really not funny!"

"Mate, she's gone," Sirius pointed out, as James was shouting to an empty corridor.

"Yeah, I know," James sighed, "I just like the sound of my own voice." He turned his attention to Derrick who wasn't looking amused as he stood in his smelly shoes. "Alright, Derrick, you can bugger off now. Ta-ta."

With a rude scoff, Derrick stormed down the corridor, grumbling back to his common room.

"Who would have thought the Marauders were gay together!" Derrick said loud enough for them to hear. However, on his graceful exit, he slipped clumsily in his sick-ridden shoes, landing on the floor with a loud slam that echoed throughout the castle.

"Wormtail, I love it when you're ill." James patted him on the back in gratitude.


	2. Missing marauder

**Chapter 2**

Remus entered the common room wearing a highly bright and noticeable scarf to cover the highly bright and noticeable bite from Sirius that marked his neck. He ambled over to Sirius who was looking highly sorrowful; Remus could tell by the dramatic cries he hollered unnecessarily every few seconds. His cries seeming to be encouraging others to cry as well, but in pain, as their eardrums burst from his booming.

"Padfoot," Remus began warily, tapping Sirius on the shoulder. "What are you doing?"

Sirius turned around from sticking some sort of poster on the notice board and brightened at Remus' appearance.

"Lovely scarf, Moony. Really brings out your eyes." Sirius tugged on the scarf a little too hard, causing Remus to slightly choke, then tickled his nose with it.

"You scare me sometimes, Sirius." Remus scrunched his nose.

"You look a little red. Your face is all blotchy and covered in rashes."

"It's this bloody scarf," Remus grunted, scratching at the top of his neck. "I'm all itchy. I think I'm allergic to the material."

"Moony," he sighed, "you can't be allergic to a scarf, you berk!" He laughed with much gusto, and Remus rolled his eyes. Sirius took on an unusual deep face. "I have news of the grave, my fellow Marauder."

"Don't you mean grave news?"

"Whatever. I have to tell you," Sirius paused dramatically, "Prongs is missing."

Remus blinked. "What?"

"Prongs is missing! He's gone!"

Remus couldn't help but chuckle.

"Why are you laughing? This is _not_ a humours matter!" Sirius proclaimed.

"Sorry. It was just funny the way you said it as if James was a lost pet."

"But he is a lost pet!" exclaimed Sirius. "We've lost our pet stag! We've lost our Prongsie!"

"Why are you talking as if James is our child?"

"But he _is our child_!" Sirius grabbed Remus by the shoulders, shaking him violently. "Our little ridiculously messy haired, four-eyed freaky boy is out there lost in the world! No food, no water, no shelter-"

"Padfoot, stop it, I'm getting nauseous," Remus interrupted, and Sirius stopped waggling him. "What are you even talking about? He can't have left Hogwarts. He's probably just moping around the corridors after the whole broom closet incident. You know Lily was especially annoyed at him for 'interrupting her privacy' and has been avoiding him ever since she moaned his name."

"But I haven't seen him all day. Can't a Padfoot be worried?" Sirius gave no time for Remus to answer. "We have to go find him!"

"I think he wants his privacy to have a face like a smacked arse."

"But, Moony! I've already made posters!"

"What?" Remus said dreadfully.

Sirius stepped to one side, revealing the notice board which had been advertising Hogsmeade weekends and Quidditch practice times, but was now covered by a large poster bearing the words 'MISSING BOY'.

"Oh God," Remus muttered. He examined the poster as Sirius smiled proudly at his handiwork. "'Please find our lost James Potter. Calls to the name of 'Prongs'," he read aloud. "Five foot something, lanky with untamed hair. Infatuation with Lily Evans. Approach with caution; he may be hysterical'."

Remus looked to the enormous picture below the writing. "What on earth is that?"

"It's Prongs!" Sirius pointed to the moving picture of a baby sprawled out on a rug. "I nicked it out of the Potters photo album. I was going to use it for blackmail but this opportune moment arose."

"Are you sure that's James?" Remus asked warily, examining at the picture. The baby did have wild dark hair, though that same baby was wearing a flowery dress. Remus wasn't sure if James had mentioned if he had a sex change when he was an infant.

"Of course it is," insisted Sirius. "You know James has a fetish for dressing up in women's clothes. Remember that one time he wore that red glittery dress, the one with the tassels?"

"Yes," Remus began, disturbed by Sirius' accurate description. "But that was at his sixteenth birthday party, he was not sober, and you dared him to."

"I always knew cross-dressing started at a young age," Sirius replied, not listening to a word he was saying. Remus turned his attention back to the poster, reading the apparent reward money for James' return.

"One knut," Remus read aloud, smiling slightly at the shrugging Sirius. "That's all Prongs is worth: one knut."

"Moony, you know how poor I am!"

Sirius suddenly sneezed into his hand. At this abrupt jerk, a handful of galleons fell out of his sleeve and rolled across the floor. Remus raised an eyebrow.

"That's not mine," Sirius denied. At this note, a first year clambered over, crawling on his knees to pick up the free money that was dropped to the floor. "OI! You little bugger! MY GALLEONS!" Sirius stepped on the boy's hand. He turned back to Remus with a fake smile.

"Okay..." Remus was clearly unbalanced. "Where's Peter?"

"Oh, Wormtail? I sent him out on a search party."

"A _what _party?"

They turned to the sound of a group entering the common room. Stepping through the portrait were what looked to be a hoard of small students, most likely first years, surrounded by Peter who easily blended with the other tiny people. Peter led the group, all students dressed in some sort of uniform of matching t-shirts. All the t-shirts were decorated with the same baby picture of James in a frilly dress, detailed with the words 'HAVE YOU SEEN THIS BOY?'

"Padfoot," Remus sighed. "Were the t-shirts really necessary?"

"Yes. They were fun to make."

"But _I_ made them," Peter reminded him.

"Oh yeah...Wormtail and search party," Sirius addressed the group, "report back to me."

Peter looked uncomfortable and did not answer.

"Hey, you there!" Sirius poked a goofy-toothed boy with a twitching eye. "Did you find James?"

"N-no, sir."

Sirius gasped. "You didn't find him! What am I paying you little brats for?"

"You're not paying us, sir," a blonde haired girl reminded him as she raised her hand.

"Oh yeah..." Sirius remembered.

"Er, what's with the large nets?" asked Remus, picking a net on a long handle from one of the search party members. The net looked big enough to catch a small dog and similar to what evil animal catchers carried. He didn't know why the nets, along with the ridiculous t-shirts, were necessary to find James who had probably just gone on a stroll of the Hogwarts grounds.

"Okay then, team!" Sirius stood on a common room chair, stumbling and falling off straight after. He glared at the first years that had sniggered. He climbed on the chair again and whistled to get their attention. "Let's go over the plan." Sirius produced a blue-print of Hogwarts castle with his wand. Well, when I say blue-print, I mean a doodle of the school that Sirius drew in Herbology. He conjured a pointer as he displayed his map to the party.

"Now, we are here," Sirius explained, pointing the stick to his doodle of the Gryffindor common room, regrettably aiming the pointer too hard as it ripped a hole through the page. "Buggeration!"

"Sirius, no swearing in front of the younger students," Remus told him off.

"This is bollocks! You're talking out of your own arse, you stupid wanker!" A black haired first year yelled, arms crossed, bored beyond relief. The boys gaped at the girl.

"Hey," Sirius said, jumping off the chair and walking up to her, making Remus think he was about to tell her off for such profanities. "You," Sirius started as he stared at the girl. "You speak good! You speak very good!" He grinned widely as Remus shook his head.

"You can have a whistle!" Sirius rewarded the girl, handing the displeased first year with a whistle on a chain. She looked at her 'prize', and then looked at Sirius, then back at the prize, then back at Sirius.

"What the hell am I supposed to do with this? Shove it up your arse?" suggested the girl.

"I can take that whistle back off you, y'know!" Sirius threatened. The girl looked completely oblivious to Sirius's 'menacing' manner. "You can use it if you find James, and then blow on it and we'll come over," he explained.

"Or I could just shove it up your butt," the black-haired girl suggested again.

"Alright missy, I'm taking the whistle back." Sirius tried to grab for the toy but the girl determinedly held it in her hands.

"Back off! It's mine!" the girl screamed with odd possessiveness.

"Give it _here!_" Sirius ordered.

Gaping, Remus watched Sirius wrestle the first year, while Peter looked on anxiously. If this first year was so manic, what about the others?

"No wonder that bloke James ran away! With a weird friend like you, I don't blame him!" the girl laughed.

"Take that back!" The girl yelped as Sirius grabbed at her pigtails.

"For goodness sake, Sirius, let go of her!" Remus pulled back his friend who was wailing like a gorilla. Sirius gradually lessened his hysterical state and calmed down.

"You're right, Moony. This is a difficult time; we all need to stay together," Sirius sniffed, "for James' sake."

The first years all replied with an agreeing 'here, here!' and Peter even gave Sirius a supportive hug. Remus looked at them all as if they'd gone insane, which they clearly had done.

"Now, back to the map." Sirius climbed back on the chair, getting out the pointer again. "We've covered the points, here and here," he said, "now, we will search this part of the castle, going round in a clockwise direction, meeting back at eighteen hundred hours and-"

"Padfoot!" Remus interrupted tiredly. "Am I the only sane one here? James has probably gone on a walk for some time alone Just leave him sulk. He probably just went to the Astronomy tower-"

"Oh God! He might have gone for a walk OFF the ASTRONOMY TOWER!" Sirius yelled hysterically.

"No," Remus shook his head at once, "I didn't mean-"

"Search party, carry on searching!" Sirius ordered as he jumped off the chair and dragged the gagging Remus painfully by the scarf.

"Moony and I have to go. See you later, Wormtail," Sirius told Peter as he pulled Remus towards the exit of the common room.

"Sirius! Wait!" Peter called after him.

Sirius and a choking Remus spun around.

"What?"

"I was thinking… would these t-shirts look nicer in a midnight blue, or maybe fuchsia?" Peter asked as he modelled by spinning.

Sirius stared at him blankly. "Go with the fuchsia," he replied, then skipped out of the common room with poor Remus in tow.

---------

"Right," Sirius cringed. "So James wasn't in the Astronomy tower, then."

"No, but those couple of seventh years snogging each others faces off were instead," replied Remus, blatantly annoyed.

They were strolling down the corridor, still on the search for their lost Marauder. Sirius was still comically upset, and Remus was still itching frenziedly at his skin.

"Where could that _baboon_ be?" Sirius exhaled noisily. "Moony, stop a minute, I need a piddle."

"Excuse me?"

"Y'know, I need to, er, ease oneself?" Sirius carried on.

"What?"

"Spend a penny," he suggested, hoping Remus would understand but was clueless to any of the phrases. Remus looked at him vacantly.

"I need a piss!" Sirius said at last. "Bugger, shit, arse, where's the nearest bathroom?" He crossed his legs. Remus couldn't help but snigger at his friend in his position.

"Uh," Remus looked down the corridor, "All I can think of is the girls bathroom-"

"Let's go!" Sirius said hurriedly, and Remus felt suffocated once more as he was pulled by the scarf and dragged down the corridor.

"Why do I have to go? I don't need the toilet. We're not girls!" Remus argued, moaning as Sirius pushed him into Moaning Myrtle's bathroom. Sirius immediately ran into a cubicle, leaving Remus to stand awkwardly in the gloomy, damp floored lavatory. Remus heard the sound of Sirius sighing with satisfaction and the echo of tinkling of what he imagined was Sirius 'relieving himself'.

Remus exhaled noisily -his well know trait- and walked over to one of the cracked, spotted mirrors on the wall. He groaned at his reflection: a bold red face covered in rashes. The only scarf he owned being the vibrant colour of red did not at all compliment his face. Remus pressed a hand to his neck, intending to scratch from the irritating material.

"I can hear you scratching, Moony, stop it," Sirius called from inside one of the cubicles.

"I wouldn't have to be scratching if you didn't bite me—_aaaargh_!" Remus yelled as a girl's reflection appeared in the mirror. He clutched his chest, recovering from the abrupt heart attack that had taken over him, and faced the ghost Myrtle with a seriously peeved face.

"Not _another boy_!" the ghost yelled, floating towards Remus and tugging on his scarf.

"Nice to see you too, Myrtle," Remus replied with a grim expression. "What's everyone's obsession with pulling the sodding scarf!" he shrieked.

"I've said, Merlin knows how many times: no boys are supposed to be in here," she told him off. "There's already been that freaky boy in here all day dunking his head in the toilet. All I want is some peace and quiet and all I can hear is him flushing!"

"What freaky boy?" Sirius asked, stepping out of the cubicle, trouser fly boldly open.

"Ugh," spat Myrtle. She shielded her eyes from Sirius crotch and pointed to one of the cubicles where the tattered door was shut. As their eyes curiously landed on the occupied cubicle, they heard the sound of the toilet flushing. Flushing again. Then flushing once more.

"Someone's got serious toilet problems," Sirius commented. "Must have clogged it up, right Moony? Y'know what I mean." He chuckled and elbowed Remus with a cheeky smile. "Maybe they had too much at dinner and they're constipated or have diarrhoea and-"

"Stop talking, Padfoot," Remus cut him off. He walked towards the engaged cubicle with Sirius obediently following his steps. Moaning Myrtle floated above them, making the sounds of a heartbeat to add to the tension.

"Stop that," Sirius rebuked her.

Slowly, Remus pushed the door open and discovered a well-known boy kneeling before a toilet.

James Potter being in the girl's bathroom was a little strange. What was also strange was seeing the boy with his head down the toilet, flushing the handle repeatedly as he was trying to drown himself in the loo water.

"Did I or did I not I say to try kill yourself with the toilet? What did I say about Snape peeing in it? What did I bloody say!" Sirius exclaimed like a furious parent.

Remus tried a more sensitive approach. "What are you doing, James?"

"Leave me alone," he replied glumly, a face full of dirty water; glasses included. He flushed the handle of the toilet again, water splashing against his face. "It's not working. I'm not dead. Why am I not dead?"

"Oh yeah! Rub it in, why don't you!" Myrtle shouted. "You boys, all healthy and alive." She flew off into her own cubicle with an angry wail.

"Right..." Remus spoke again, clearly unbalanced for a second time of today. "What depressing thoughts are you drowning yourself in? Literally."

"S'not fair," James gurgled in the water.

"This isn't about a girl that rhymes with the word 'Monday', is it?" Sirius asked.

"If you're talking about Lily, I'd just like to mention that the words 'Lily' and 'Monday' do not rhyme together," Remus rectified.

"Yeah they do. _Lil-ly_," Sirius said slowly. "_Mon-day_...no, wait... bugger."

"Lily," James groaned, gurgling in the toilet water. "She hates me. I tried talking to her in the common room. _She hates me_…"

"What did you do?" Remus questioned with worry.

"I kind of asked her out again. And all I told her was that I cursed Derrick with boils and she flipped," James explained, his words echoing in the toilet bowl.

"James, you did both of the things she hates: ask her out and curse someone."

"I feel like my heart has been ripped out and put into one of those Muggle inventions. You know, the one that makes those damn good milkshakes?"

"A blender?" Remus offered.

"Yes. One of those."

"Prongsie, Prongsie, Prongsie," Sirius sighed. "I have a plan."

James quickly removed his head from the toilet and turned to Sirius who had raised his eyebrows suggestively, also pointing to the imaginary light bulb that was hovering above his head due to the idea that he'd thought of.

"A plan?" James brightened.

"A plan," Sirius confirmed, helping James to his knees, about to ruffle his hair but noticed it was soggy so decided against it.

"You're waterlogged," Sirius mentioned to James' dripping face. "You look like a drowned rat. No offence to Peter."

Remus showed an obvious worried expression. "Sirius, what exactly is your scheme?"

"Don't worry, Moony! You know I'd never put Prongs and Evans in _much_ danger."

This did not calm Remus. However, James looked quite delighted; any plan to get Lily was good in his eyes. He would try anything to get his red-haired beauty.

The boys made their way towards the exit of the bathroom, startled by a first year entering in a hurry as she pushed past them on the verge of peeing her knickers. Sirius and Remus recognized her belonging James' search party for _many_ reasons.

"Why exactly is that girl wearing a picture of my mother as a baby on her fuchsia colored t-shirt?" James asked, harshly pushed outside the bathroom by Sirius and Remus as they made their way back to Gryffindor Tower.


	3. Ridiculous rhyming

**Chapter 3**

The boys entered the common room and James shook his shaggy hair, sprinkling Sirius and Remus with loo water.

"Thanks for the lovely perfume," Remus commented sarcastically. James replied with a pat on the back. Looking confused, something caught his eye on the notice board.

"What the bloody hell!" James ran up to the board, grimacing at the sight of the large poster, displaying his mother…as a baby…in a dress. He didn't like seeing early pictures of his mother due to a very embarrassing, traumatic experience last time she showed him photos of her when she was seventeen. His mum had smiled proudly as she shoved photos of her young self in his hands, protesting how 'groovy' she was, asking disturbing questions of 'do you think I was cute?' and saying 'I was gorgeous wasn't I! Your father couldn't keep his hands off me!'

He was scarred for life, along with the broom closet event.

A lot of confusing questions were going through James' mind, wondering how exactly this photo had gotten on the notice board in the first place. Only one name came to his brain.

"Padfoot, you nutcase!" James exclaimed.

"God, I put up a missing poster for a friend and what do I get? Grief."

"That's because you put up a missing poster for a person who wasn't missing," Remus pointed out.

"I am not lanky!" James suddenly burst out loud as he'd just read the detailed information along with the photo.

Sirius snorted, grabbing one of James' gangly arms and watching it flop after being dropped from shoulder height. "Your arms remind me of... runner beans."

"Great detail," Remus nodded.

James glared at them both. "I'll have you know that girls love my untamed hair," he said slickly. Sirius and Remus erupted into sniggers.

"I suppose girls love the piece of chewing gum stuck in your tresses then?" Remus questioned.

James looked confused, reaching a hand to his hair, but Sirius had already beaten him to it.

"OOW!"

Sirius had clawed a hand to his head, ripping a blob of chewing gum that had somehow managed to get wedged. Sirius had pulled a little too hard, along with pulling out some of James' hair in the process.

"Oh, you _twat!_" James clutched what was left of his hair. "I can feel a bald patch!"

"Don't worry, mate. Haven't you seen that wizarding hair spray stuff? Its hair in a can! You spray it and hair comes out! Its like, whipped cream..." Sirius said amazingly. "But with hair," he added.

"Right..." James gave Sirius an odd look. "I wonder how exactly gum got on my head in the first place," he said with suspicion, glaring at the culprit.

"Er, the gum fairy?" Sirius suggested.

James rolled his eyes. Turning back to the poster, he ripped it off the notice board. To his horror, the same poster was underneath it. He ripped the other identical poster off. More to his horror, the same poster laid underneath that one. "What the," he muttered, pulling off poster after poster of the same bloody poster.

Eventually James' hands were heaped full of the same photo of his mother as an infant. "How many posters did you stick up?"

"It's a spell," Sirius explained. "It never ends."

"Oh _great_! Everyone thinks my mother is me! That's an odd sentence," James commented. "Are you a deluded? How could you think my mother was me? She's wearing a dress, for Christ's sake!"

"Sirius will now explain his theory of your fetish for wearing women's clothing," Remus predicted to James.

"You have a fetish for wearing women's clothing," Sirius said predictably. "The red dress, James! The one with the tassels!"

"What are you on about?"

"Actually Sirius," Remus jumped in, "he wouldn't know about wearing the dress because he was too hammered to remember."

Sirius nodded understandingly whilst James remained confused. Abandoning ripping the never-ending posters off the notice board, he jumped on one of the common room couches, reclining whilst looking at Sirius who it would seem had a plan to get his red jellybean; other wise known as Lily Evans.

"So, Padfoot, explain the plan."

"I have many plans, many great plans. Just like I have many great looks," Sirius grinned, modelling his face at many angles to his friends.

"Cut to the chase, Sirius." Remus took a seat next to James.

"Well, you know all girls love that Sensitive Guy bollocks, right?"

James frowned. "What exactly do you mean?"

"If you're talking about James Potter being a sensitive guy then you are insane," Remus said. James scowled at him.

"No way!" Sirius scoffed. James remained scowling "I'm talking about girls liking guys who are a bit… girly and poof-y, who say poetry and stuff to them."

Remus slightly glowered at Sirius' opinion of any male writing poetry obviously being 'girly and poof-y'. However, Sirius did seem to have a surprisingly good starting plan.

"Well, James, it's an opening," Remus said, an idea springing to him. "You could write poetry to Lily. Or recite poems to her. She'd love that. I have some books I could give you-"

"No, Moony, no!" Sirius butted in. "James could never read, or write poetry. He can barely write his own name."

"Yes I can!"

"You spelt your name wrong in Transfiguration!" laughed Sirius. "You left out the letter 'r' at the end of 'Potter'."

"That was because I was writing my name and was on the letter 'e', then you decided to knock me out with your shoe."

"Because you stole my quill!"

"Can we get back to the subject?" Remus cut in. Sirius looked blankly at him. "Poetry," he prompted

"Oh yeah. As I was saying, before Mr. Illiterate interrupted me." James boldly stuck up a finger at this comment. "Prongs could recite his own poetry to Evans. But we know he sucks arse at writing so a spell should help him along."

"What kind of spell?" Remus asked suspiciously, already not at liking to the idea.

"You know how all the greatest poems rhyme…"

"Actually, no," Remus argued. "Some of the greatest poems don't rhyme."

"Yes they do!" Sirius argued. "What about 'Humpty-Dumpty'?"

"That's a nursery rhyme."

"Same thing," Sirius said dismissively. "Anyway, I know a spell to make whatever James says rhyme. Instant poetry out of that big gob of his!"

James glowered at the description of having a 'big gob'.

"You cannot be serious!" Remus frowned, thinking the whole idea was completely absurd.

The word 'serious' was a deadly word to use around Sirius Black. Sirius knew that saying the pun 'Yes, I am Sirius' right now would result in the slam to the back of the head by Remus Lupin. Sirius knew that Remus would not sincerely like him saying this over-used pun.

"Yes, Monseiur Lupin, I am Sirius," he grinned.

_Slap_. That was the sound of Remus' hand connecting with Sirius' skull.

"Dirty werewolf," Sirius said clutching his head. "That was uncalled for."

"Padfoot," James said, "I'm not so sure about this spell."

Sirius groaned exaggeratingly. "Don't be a girl."

"I am not a girl!" James snapped in annoyance. "I just don't want to be cursed by you. I don't want to end up with something sticking out of my arse. _Again_."

"That was _one _time! And you only had that shower head up your butt for two hours. _Christ_."

"What spell did you intend to get in the first place?" Remus asked. "I'm guessing you didn't actually ask for a shower head to be stuck in that particular place. I'm also guessing you didn't want anything remotely related to a shower head."

"I asked for a cleaning spell," James said bitterly, rubbing a hand over his buttocks, remembering the horrific moment.

Sirius grimaced. "Don't feel yourself up in public, Prongs."

"I can't believe you dragged me out of a toilet for this," James said sullenly, going back to his depressed state. "I'm going back to Myrtle's bathroom. Actually, I think I'll go to the Prefects. It's a lot cleaner and smells of lavender."

Remus smirked. "But you don't know the password."

"You told me it yesterday."

"Bugger," cursed Remus.

James was about to storm from the couch and sulkily stomp away to continue drowning himself in a toilet -this time a clean one- but Sirius had forced him to sit.

"What are you-" James began, but stopped when Sirius pointed his wand at him.

"Sirius," James began anxiously. "Don't you dare-"

"_Melodio_!" Sirius called, a shining light streaming from his wand and shooting towards James' mouth. James gaped, which wasn't the most sensible move if he didn't wand the spell to go into him, but nonetheless carried on gawking in shock. The light swiftly shot into his mouth and down his oesophagus. He gulped it down with a slight wince on his face, as if he's just swallowed a spoon of cod liver oil. He panted whilst Sirius and Remus waited for a reaction.

"Oh my God, what did you do?" James sang. "My brain's all muddled and that tasted like poo!" He took a brief moment to take in the words he'd just said, before grimacing at the realization that he had just rhymed, _awfully_.

"Bloody hell," Remus said under his breath.

"Say some more stuff, Prongs," Sirius egged him on.

"My name is James Potter, I am a Sex God. My hair is erotic and I have a great bod," he blurted out flowingly.

Sirius jumped up and down in excitement. "Say something about me!"

"Your name is Sirius Black. You are on Crack. Your face is not in tack. All you do is yack. You're something I want to whack. You have no ball sack-"

"Okay, that's enough," Sirius snapped, not liking his poem very much.

"I don't like this, not at all. All I see in my mind is rhyming couplets; it's driving me up the wall. And I sound retarded speaking like this! Oh God, help me out of this abyss!"

Remus and Sirius laughed hysterically, finding James' demented sentences more and more amusing.

"This isn't funny." James was not at all pleased. "My hair is all gummy," he commented, rubbing his chewing gum mixed tresses.

Remus and Sirius cackled further. "You can't rhyme every single word. There must be one word that you can't rhyme," Remus pondered aloud.

"Nope, he can rhyme anything," Sirius informed. "Say any word and he can do it."

"Yellow," Remus offered.

"Mellow," James replied quickly.

"Banana?"

"Drama."

"Freaky?"

"Peaky."

"Underwear!" Remus said triumphantly.

""You're-a-pear," James answered.

"What? That's not a word! That's three words!"

"It's a word if he says it quickly out of his mouth," Sirius argued.

"What? That makes no sense. You can't-"

"Look, it's Evans!" Sirius said, pointing to the displeased Lily walking down the staircase, unfortunately coming towards them. James' eyes popped out of his head at her sudden appearance and tried to take on a casual pose involving leaning casually on a table lamp. Regrettably, the lamp shade toppled over, making James look like a clumsy arse - which he was. Lily stormed over to James whilst Sirius and Remus watched in curiosity.

"Potter! I-" she started as she folded her arms, but stopped as she made a quick sniff in the air towards James.

"You smell like a toilet," she declared.

"Uh, thanks very much. I'd eat you for lunch," James rhymed. Remus shook his head tiredly as Sirius gave James the encouraging thumbs up.

"Excuse me?" Lily scowled, not liking to be told she would make a great meal. "Look, Potter," she began madly, "I was trying to do my homework and some small midget in fuchsia came into my dorm, asking me if I'd seen you, you which is apparently a 'missing person' and a possible victim of homicide."

"Your lips are like plump leeches, kiss me any day. Your cheeks look like peaches, I'd devour with no dismay."

"What are you on?" Lily thought James must be high on some new wizarding drug; giving side affects of talking terribly in rhyme.

"Evans, ever since you moaned my name, I just can't get you off my brain!"

Lily immediately reddened at the mention of the broom closet incident. "I told you that were a slip of the tongue," she gritted through her teeth.

"A slip?" Sirius joined in the conversation. "Oh James! _Jaaaaames_," he mimicked her kissing Derrick, swirling his tongue in the air.

"Shut up, Black!"

"He's on crack," James added, not able to control his mouth with the ridiculous things he was saying.

"I'd have to agree with you there," Lily said reluctantly. "But that's beside the point!" She poked James in the chest. "I don't want members of your midget fan club storming into my dorm and disturbing me! Others do have homework to do, unlike you who just sits on your pompous arse whilst Black worships the ground you walk on, Lupin corrects your grammar and Pettigrew gapes at your useless talent of catching a golden ball!"

"Oh Evans, my darling, your hate is simply charming. You're just using reverse psychology! No need for an apology!"

"Oh, go to hell, Potter!" Lily screamed, fed up with his sentences of nonsense.

"This isn't going so well," Sirius murmured to Remus who sighed in response.

As if on signal, the arrival of James' search party through the portrait of the Fat Lady somehow made everything turn from bad to worse. The fuchsia coloured squad of first years, led by Peter, ambled into the common room, their eyes suddenly landing on the missing person: James Potter. As James comprehended when this new fashion trend had evolved, and how much pain Sirius would go through when he ripped out his intestines and strangled him with them, the first years suddenly ran towards him, nets rose highly in their hands.

"_AAARH!_" James screamed, as the herd of small students pushed him to the floor and trampled on him. Each party member raised their net far above the ground, capturing his head. He shrieked as he was blinded with netting.

"PETER!" James yelled annoyingly, the apparent captain of catching James' head, and also the first to swing his net to James' skull.

"We caught him, sir!" the first year with the twitching eye reported to Sirius, raising his hand with obedience. The black-haired girl awarded with the whistle blew on it unenthusiastically every two seconds.

"I can see that," Sirius replied, whilst he and Remus looked on with twinges of smiles. Meanwhile, Lily laughed in hysterics.

"Hey," a first year spoke up, pointing at Lily clutching her stomach with laughter at James' expense. "She must have kidnapped him!" he suddenly concocted.

Instantly, Lily stopped chortling. "What?"

"Get her!" A small student ordered, raising their fist in the air.

Lily shrieked as the first years attacked her, causing her head now to be covered in nets. She lay on the floor, toppled over by their sudden impact.

"Get off me!" she screamed, trying to push the swarming small people away. They were oddly like irritating flies. "You can't do this! I'm a prefect!"

"And I'd like to shove this whistle up his arse," the black-haired first year replied, pointing to Sirius and swinging the whistle around with her finger. "But apparently I'm not allowed. Life's a bitch, isn't it?"

Lily was about to snap back but a net whacking her in the mouth disrupted the action.

"Explanation to the nets," James ordered, but it wasn't as intimidating with the fact that his head was currently smothered by something animal catchers carried. "Or what will follow will be threats," he threatened dangerously.

"They are your search party," Remus explained, "organized by one Sirius Black."

"I'm gone for TWO HOURS and you send a search team? I'd like to say I'm flattered but I think it's just obscene. And I'm not just referring," he spoke," to the shirts that are disturbing."

"Was it really two hours?" Remus asked Sirius, thinking the period of James' absence had seemed longer.

"Come to think of it, I think I did see James two hours ago stealing Evans lingerie from her dorm," Sirius realised.

"So that's where it went!" Lily tried to shout, but her voice was muffled by nets.

"The fuchsia is rather blinding," James commented, reddening and trying to avoid the subject of Lily's undergarments as he squinted through the nets, looking at the first years fashioned in their bold t-shirts. "Sirius, you will get a hiding."

"I'm sorry, mate," Sirius chortled. "I just can't take you seriously when you rhyme!"

James groaned in frustration. "Tell me the reverse spell or you're going to hell!"

"Can you actually guarantee that, though?" Sirius questioned. "Do you have connections with the devil?"

James gave him a glare that purely said 'I am the devil' instead of voicing it, knowing if he did then the warning would be undermined by a cheesy rhyme that would follow.

"AARGH! Get off me, you little dwarves!" Lily bawled, not one of the wisest things to say if she wanted the first years to stand up from their current status of sitting on top of her so she wouldn't escape. "I am a prefect!" she exclaimed again.

"Yeah, yeah," the ebony haired girl replied in boredom. "And I'm Albus Dumbledore," she retorted.

"I did not kidnap James-bloody-Potter so remove your backsides! Before I tell Professor McGonagall!"

The violent first years looked at Sirius for a confirmation of getting off the girl.

"Oh sure, you can get off her," Sirius said, as if he'd just spotted her in the room. The group seemed disappointed, but obediently stood up from sitting on Lily, most gratefully a chubby boy whose bottom was placed firmly on her cheek. She finally lifted the dozens of nets that had been suffocating her and stood to her feet looking highly wrathful.

"You're all insane," she told the lot of them, throwing the nets to Sirius. Caught by surprise, the nets knocked into him and he toppled over, toppling into Remus who then toppled into Peter, which then caused a chain reaction as many first years toppled over in the process. Lily gave James a dirty look and stomped up the common room staircase, slamming her dormitory door shut.

"Can we go now?" a first year asked, raising her hand politely as she yawned.

"Sure," Sirius replied, his face currently head-first into the common room floor of carpet. "You're all dismissed."

The first years cheered and removed their t-shirts, luckily wearing shirts underneath or the removing of clothing would turn into something disgustingly pornographic. They threw their t-shirts to Peter, whose face was suddenly bombarded with fuchsia. The small students then retired to their dorms.

"Do you think we could sell those shirts at one of those Muggle car-boot sales?" Sirius asked.

"No, I want to keep them," Peter said with eagerness.

"Sure you can, Wormtail."

The boys got to their feet -Peter's hands full of t-shirts- and were about to make their way the common room stairs when an indignant shout was heard.

"GUYS, LITTLE HELP HERE!" James demanded, head caught in the nets and helplessly rolling on the floor like a flobberworm. "OR BE PREPARED TO BE KICKED IN THE REAR!"

"Did you hear something?" Sirius formed a mock expression of curiosity. "For a second there, I thought that guy Willy Shake-a-spear had walked into the room," he laughed.

"Shakespeare," Remus corrected exasperatedly. "William. Shakespeare."

"I don't care about a guy who can 'shake his spear'," James yelled, "All I want is some help here!" He yelped as he rolled into a table and a stack of books knocked over and tumbled on his head. He abruptly blacked out.

"He did not shake his spear, he… oh never mind," Remus gave up.

They walked over to James and tried to uncover him under the mountains of butterfly-like-nets.


	4. More Siriusly absurd ideas

**Chapter 4**

"Moony!" Sirius ran over to Remus who had been reading a book in peace until his friend jumped on him and his face was suddenly overwhelmed by a head of black hair, and strangely fuchsia. Sirius was looking comically upset as he came up to Remus, Peter at his side wearing the trendy t-shirt displaying James' mother.

"What?" asked Remus distractedly, not taking his eyes off his book. Sirius sighed at him, grabbed Remus' book from his lap and tossed it into the common room fire.

"SIRIUS!" cried Remus, watching as the pages of his book burned in the fireplace. "That's the third book this week! You have got to stop doing that."

"I did it for your own good," Sirius replied. Remus was not at all grateful for his so-called act of good will.

"Come on, Remus, books don't teach you nothing!" Peter said, and Sirius nodded along in agreement. "It's not what's in here." Peter pointed to his head, which Remus was guessing was empty. "It's about what's in here that matters," he patted his chest, supposedly indicating to his heart. Remus might have took him seriously if he'd not hit his chest too hard, which resulted in Peter making a painful "ow".

"Wormtail, please, stop wearing that shirt," Remus pleaded. Ever since he'd worn it he'd taken on a new persona non grata, involving characteristics of a hippy and a permanent feeling of being high.

"I swear Pete has an obsession with James' mum," teased Sirius, poking him in the stomach.

"I'll have you know that I dress better than the average wizard." Peter puffed out his chest.

"Would your example of an average wizard be Sirius? Because Sirius dresses like a clown," Remus mentioned.

"I told you already, the red shoes are trendy! Red is the new black!" Sirius informed his friends.

"Oh God," Remus muttered, purely horrified by the conversation. He took a seat back on one of the common room chairs. He hoped the chair would swiftly eat him up or drown him in the cushions.

"Anyways," Sirius went on to his true purpose to finding Remus. "I have news of the grave-"

"Grave news," Remus tried to correct.

"Yeah, that's the one," Sirius said. "Well, Prongs is-"

"Missing?" Remus presumed.

"How did you know?"

Remus sighed, "Lucky guess."

"Have you seen him?"

"I think he might be upstairs in the dorm. If not, check the bathrooms," Remus recommended. "He's still dejected about Lily hating him so he may possibly be trying to kill himself again."

"It's becoming a daily habit. I think we should be worried," Sirius said thoughtfully.

Remus eyed him with suspicion. "Sirius, you didn't send out the search party again did you?"

"Of course not," he scoffed. "Another hour and I will, though."

Remus rolled his eyes as Sirius and Peter's exited up to the dormitories.

-----------------

Just as Peter was about to push open the door to their dorm, Sirius stopped him.

"Five galleons Prongs is smothering himself with a cushion," Sirius wagered.

"Five he's drowning himself in a sink."

"You are _so_ going to lose," Sirius said, shaking hands with Peter to secure the deal. "Prongs' head is too big to fit in the sink," he spoke matter-of-factly.

"Do you think we're bad friends for betting on which choice of suicide he's currently doing?" Peter asked.

"No, Wormtail. We're not bad _friends_," Sirius disagreed. "We're bad _people_."

Peter was slightly confused by the answer, but nonetheless entered the dormitory behind Sirius. They happily found James not so happily in a good mood. He was presently trying to hang himself with a tie, using the top curtain railing of his bed as the place to tie himself from.

"Bugger!" Sirius and Peter cursed in unison. "Neither of us won the bet!"

It was amazing how much they cared about James' well being.

"Go away, let me hang myself in peace," James shooed them off as he stood on bed unsuccessfully trying to tie a knot in his choking instrument.

"Thank God that rhyming spell only lasted a day," Sirius said with relief. "Prongs, you stupid arse," he marched up to James and tried to grab the tie from his hands. It was a struggle, and James was even using his teeth as a weapon to not give in.

"OW!" Sirius cried out as James' mouth gnawed at his hand. Sirius finally managed to pulled the tie off James and put it in the one place he knew James would never go: down his pants.

"That was my only tie," James said sullenly, staring at the tie in its hidden place, but then directed his gaze elsewhere because that hidden place was Sirius' crotch. "You're buying me a new one," he informed, not wanting the particular tie to be returned, even after being washed. James depressingly collapsed on his bed, face down in his duvet, not caring if he couldn't breathe.

"Come on, I must have won the bet. I was closer because he's near pillows," Sirius said. Peter nodded and handed over his galleons.

"Are you okay, Prongs?" Peter asked with odd kindness, but his good nature was let down by the fact that he was looking at himself in the full length mirror of their dorm, admiring his precious fuchsia shirt and body.

"Let's see, in the past two days Evans caught me in broom closet and shouted at me. Then shouted at me for cursing Derrick. Then shouted at me for speaking in rhyme. Then nearly shouted at me for it somehow being my fault for her head to be smothered with nets." James glared at Sirius fully. "But that time she didn't shout because she was so angry. So let's see, somehow your 'great plan', Padfoot, has made everything worse."

"Define worse?"

"As if I'd just walked into a pit of woodlice, which is a bad enough misfortune, then a swarm of Bowtruckles have come along and started eating my woodlice-ed flesh."

"Well, you've got to be really stupid to walk into a pit of woodlice," Sirius laughed.

"I dunno, see, I know a few stupid people..."

"Hey!" Sirius cried, realising who James was referring to.

"Seriously, guys," Peter began, trying to look at a particular body feature in the mirror which he seemed to prove very difficult. "Does my bottom look big in this?"

"Pete, how can a shirt make your bottom look big?"

"You never know, it might have one of those engorgement charms," Peter pointed out.

"Will you both just go away?" James pleaded. "Let me wallow in my own self pity."

"But if we did that we wouldn't be great friends now, would we?" Sirius said with a grin, jumping on to James' bed and somehow making James fling in the air and topple onto the floor.

"Arse," James muttered, exhaling noisily on the floor, his new spot to wallow in self pity.

"Prongsie, Prongsie, Prongsie," Sirius sighed. James immediately panicked.

"Oh no, don't tell me you've got another plan. I don't want to hear it, Sirius." James blocked his ears.

"But this plan is really, really good!" Sirius protested, jumping excitedly on James' bed like a hyperactive six-year old.

"You'll break my mattress, you pillock!" James yelled. Sirius carried on jumping as if it were a bouncy castle; until his head connected with the ceiling - then he decided to stop.

"Ow," Sirius muttered painfully. "Anyway, I have a great plan that involves a Polyjuice potion," he sang.

"A Polyjuice potion?" James repeated anxiously.

"What are you, a parrot? Jeez, a Polyjuice potion!"

"But they take at least a month to make," James reminded him, glad of this factor because this 'great plan' of Sirius' would undoubtedly go wrong.

"Ahar," Sirius replied knowingly and made a signal to Peter. "If you would reveal, Wormtail?"

Peter looked a bit annoyed from being interrupted his mirror-examining, but walked over to Sirius' bed anyway and pulled a cauldron of bubbling, muddy potion from underneath it.

"You've been keeping a cauldron of Polyjuice potion under your bed?" James exclaimed, wincing at the sight of the disgusting liquid.

"You don't want to know what's under my bed," Sirius replied mysteriously, winking.

"So how exactly will Polyjuice potion make Evans fall in love with me?" James enquired.

"Wormtail, explain."

Peter tried to remember the instructions. "Sirius will use the potion to turn into you and then... seduce Evans!"

"What?" James spat in disbelief.

"Genius, isn't it?" Sirius said. "Like I always say: if Prongs can't get a job done, then do it yourself."

"...You've never said that," Peter pointed out.

"Since now," Sirius added.

"Are you insane?" James looked at Sirius as if he'd turned down the offer of free chocolate. "You're not turning into me! No-bloody-way!"

"Tough luck, Potter." Unexpectedly, Sirius jumped from the bed and onto James' back. He cried out loudly in pain.

"What are you doing?" James yelled indignantly. "Get off me!"

Sitting on him, Sirius twisted his arms behind his back and tied them up whilst James struggled.

"Tie his legs, Wormtail," Sirius commanded. He swore as James' wiggling headbutted his jaw. "Stop moving!"

"I'm going to kill you two! Let go of me! Rape!" James shouted, hoping it would get catch attention of some kind from outside their dorm and get him out of this horrific yet humorous situation; not caring if he was getting the wrong sort.

Peter howled in pain as James' furious jerking feet smacked him in the nose.

"HELP!" James carried on screaming. "RAPE! RA-"

Sirius swiftly stuffed a sock in his mouth. "There we go." He climbed off James and rubbed his hands together to signal a job well done. James lay on the floor, hands and legs tied and mouth blocked with a smelly sock that had belonged on the floor for the past six years.

"Muuuffttt fuuuccchh," James mumbled, mouth full of cotton.

"Prongs," Sirius shook his head disappointedly at James, guessing whatever he'd definitely not for young ears to hear. "No bad language in front of the children!"

Peter yelped as he quickly found himself deaf, but then realised it was only because Sirius' hands were covering his ears.

"Right-o." Sirius walked over to the cauldron that was placed on the floor.

"It's ready, Padfoot," Peter informed, stirring the potion with his wand.

Sirius brightened. "Now all we need is the hair…"

James promptly made unrecognisable noises of protest and shook his head in frenzy.

"Don't worry, Prongs. All I need is a strand or two. But we'll make it a clump just to be on the safe side," Sirius added to Peter. James formed a muffled yelp at this information and tried to roll across the floor as some form of escape, but Sirius had pounced on him again.

"Look, Prongs, I'll do a countdown," Sirius put his foot on James' back to prevent him from moving. "On the count of three, I'll put out a hair."

James furiously shook his head in response. Of course, Sirius ignored him.

"One," he counted, then swiftly thrust his hand forward and pulled out a fistful of hair. James silently roared of agony, clamping his teeth down on the sock currently choking him. He glared at Sirius for the shortened countdown.

"He lied," Peter said in what he thought was a helpful tone. James grumbled angrily and tried to get to his feet, but only stumbled and fell back on the floor.

"Ah, bless him." Sirius dropped the strands of hair in a glass of potion he'd scooped up and the liquid turned a strange blue. "Hmm, matches your mood, Prongs," he commented.

Peter sniffed the mixture. "It smells foul," he pointed out the obvious.

"Thanks for the encouragement," Sirius remarked, kicking off his shoes and changing into some stolen clothes belonging to James.

"Well," Sirius began with odd anxiety, examining the blue draught. "Cheers." He held the glass high; Peter sent him an uncertain smile of good luck. Sirius tilted his head and back and swallowed a gulp of the potion, slamming the glass back down on the bedside table once finished.

"Oh boy." Sirius stumbled, clutching his stomach that felt swimming with wriggling worms. He felt his skin melting and bubbling on the surface. Peter and James' eyes widened as they watched Sirius transform before their eyes; the boy groaned in pain as he felt himself become taller, his face remodelling and hair shortening in length.

"AARGH!" Sirius shrieked, blinking deliberately on purpose. "I'M BLIND!"

This, of course, was great exaggeration. His sight slightly blurry and out of vision because his sight was no longer a Sirius Sight, but now a James Sight. Peter conjured up glasses using his wand and put them on Sirius who sighed with relief.

"Ah, so that's what they're for." Sirius straightened the glasses on his nose. James sent him an annoyed look of exasperation.

"Wow," Peter said under his breath, staring at Sirius who was now James' identical twin. Sirius excitedly ran up to the full length mirror and observed his new body.

"Well, you certainly have firmer buttocks than me," Sirius discovered, feeling his new bottom. James looked outraged. "So, Plan B of seducing Evans has begun." He did a famous James Potter ruffle through his hair and grinned to the real James who was still muffling obscene insults at him. "I'll see you in an hour or two," Sirius told him, patting him on the back. "But you never know, it could be shorter. It sometimes takes me seconds for a girl to fall at my feet," he clicked his fingers.

Peter chuckled to himself, Sirius' charm was not that good - or even good at all. The new 'James' grinned in anticipation and made his way towards the exit of the dorm.

"Um... Sirius?" Peter asked, stopping him.

"What?"

Peter looked at him strangely, still a little confused by the fact that there were two James' in the room, and that the 'James' he was talking to was actually Sirius Black.

"Shouldn't we do something about Prongs?"

A glimmer of hope rose in the real James Potter's stomach. For a second, he thought that maybe this was some sort of joke and that his two supposed friends would release him.

"Oh yeah," Sirius realised, scratching his chin. "Let's hide him in the bathroom."

James' jaw somehow dropped, although it was stuffed by a sock. He whimpered as Sirius and Peter dragged him by the arms and legs and positioned him next to the (thankfully flushed) toilet. They waved goodbye to him as they shut the door.

The second he was alone, he tried again to stand up, but that only lead to his head colliding painfully with the bathroom sink, also knocking over a few toiletries and somehow getting him covered in toothpaste.

-------------

Remus sat by the common room fire slowly nodding off. Although it was past midday on a Sunday, he had a lack of books to read as most of them had been set on fire by Sirius, so sat in boredom in the common room. He sighed, getting to his feet and intending to go up to the dorm to find out whether Sirius and Peter had found their 'lost' Marauder again. However, he saw James--who was in fact Sirius--tumbling down the staircase with Peter closely behind.

"Hello there!" Sirius cried mightily, running up to Remus and punching him in the arm in a brotherly way. Remus never got the attitude of brotherly ways and clutched his arm in pain.

"Hello. There." Remus replied uncertainly, wondering why James was in such a good mood after being thoroughly depressed about Lily's lack of love towards him. His eyes landed on Peter who had found a pair of dark glasses, wearing them to match his cool t-shirt.

"You're wearing them to protect your eyes from that bright shirt?" Remus suggested. Peter gasped at him.

"Moony, you are hilarious!" Sirius punched him on the arm again.

"Ow! What's up with you, James?" Remus asked confusedly, rubbing his shoulder. For a few seconds, Sirius forgot that he was in fact James Potter and how was now called 'James', so daydreamed as he gazed at a few girls on the other side of the common room.

"James?"

Sirius stared on blankly.

"Prongs?" Remus repeated louder. Panicking, Peter elbowed Sirius in the stomach and he snapped to attention.

"Huh? Oh, yeah, that's me!" Sirius laughed merrily.

"He's James Potter," Peter added.

Remus gave him an odd look. "Yes, Peter… I can see that."

Sirius and Peter feigned laughter whilst Remus wondered if they'd been smoking something illegal upstairs.

"So, I bet you're wondering where that handsome fellow Sirius Black is? Right?" Sirius changed the subject.

Remus frowned. "Not really those exact words…"

"Well, he's... er... snogging that seventh year girl from Ravenclaw, Marianne Smith," Sirius explained, heartily pleased for thinking up an excuse for his absence. Remus abruptly burst into laughter.

"Prongs, you're kidding, right?" Sirius narrowed his eyes. "She hates him, remember?"

"No she doesn't!" Sirius argued.

"Yeah she does," Remus thought he was reminding 'James'. "Remember when she told us that she's rather kiss a Chimera than go anywhere Padfoot's mouth!" he laughed, clutching his stomach.

"Oh yeah," Sirius said bitterly, not liking the new details he'd learned. "Ha ha... She's in denial, that one…"

"Right," Remus cocked his head in confusion. "Whatever you say, Prongs."

"Anyway," Sirius pulled Peter by the arm and walked hurriedly towards the portrait. "Must dash! Things to do!"

"Where are you going?" Remus enquired, disappointed it seemed he wasn't involved.

"To seduce Evans." Sirius winked.

"No, seriously, where are you going?"

Sirius rolled his eyes. "Is it so hard to hear that James Potter is going to win over Evans?" he asked him, then repeated the question in his mind and realised that it did seem pretty unbelievable. Just as Sirius and Peter were about to step through the exit, Sirius quickly remembered a significant note.

"Don't go upstairs, Moony!" Sirius warned him. Remus raised his eyebrows in suspicion. "Not that there's anything dodgy up there… But er, just, stay down here! Okay? Ta-ta!" He waved.

"He's James Potter," Peter added again, pointing to Sirius as he followed him through the portrait.

Remus definitely believed his theory that they'd smoked something illegal upstairs.

With a sigh, he watched them leave the common room. Nevertheless, he decided to follow his instincts, ignore Sirius' advice and go up to the dorm anyway. He ambled up the stairs, pushed the door open and discovered the dorm to be empty and relatively normal: their dorm was still ridiculously messy and still smelt oddly of chocolate.

Shrugging his shoulders, he walked over to his bed and tiredly collapsed onto it. He yawned, his eyes shut and hand clutching his neck, all of a sudden rather thirsty. Sluggishly, he reached over to the bedside table, feeling a glass with his fingers and guessing it to be full of water, putting it to his lips. It was only until he opened his eyes, swallowing the blue liquid, that he realised it was not water.

"What the-" he began in horror, wincing at the taste of the liquid and aware that there were strands of hair falling out of his mouth. He felt sudden uncontrollable churning in his stomach. He staggered to his feet, groaning in pain as he felt his skin bubbling - which he never thought was humanly possible until now. His limbs and face were sore and his clothes seemed to be shrinking – or, more correctly, he was growing. With the abrupt feeling of sickness, he quickly ran to the dorm bathroom and opened the door in need of the toilet.

"Huh?" Remus said confusedly. "My eyes..." His vision was suddenly blurred, though he could make out a person lying on the bathroom floor. He fumbled for his reading glasses in his pocket and put them on; his sight still slightly obscured but enough to make out who the boy was laying in front of him.

"James?" Remus said in disbelief, wondering why or even how James had managed to get himself tied up in the bathroom, strangely covered in toothpaste, when he'd seen him minutes earlier leaving the common room with Peter.

"Mufffhhh," James mumbled with the sock in his mouth, glaring at him, and Remus wondered what on earth he'd done wrong to be glowered at. Now feeling marginally normal and no signs of being ill, he glanced at the bathroom mirror and then turned back to James.

Remus' eyes then widened in realisation, turning back to the mirror for a second look.

"AAARGH!"

His reflection as James Potter stared back at him.


	5. Seducing all around

**Chapter 5**

"Oh Merlin!" Remus poked his James Potter cheeks he now owned, then ran a hand through his present dark messy hair. "No way," he said under his breath. "Untamed hair."

"Rrhhuh," James mumbled from the corner, signalling to Remus to get his attention back on the real James Potter with a sock in his mouth. However, Remus' attention was much elsewhere.

"How could this have happened?" Remus asked hysterically, examining his arms and hands - arms like runner beans, as Sirius poetically described.

"_Rrhhuh_," James mumbled louder and more impatient. He was choking on a filthy sock and covered in toothpaste - overall, not in the slight bit happy.

In his bewildered state, Remus bent down to his knees and untied James' arms and legs. Feeling he would get gratitude from being rescued, he was a little shocked to have the berserk James spring on him.

"I'm gonna behead you, Sirius!" James exclaimed, grabbing Remus' neck; or oddly, his own neck, as Remus now looked like him. It was a strange feeling to be strangling himself yet he didn't seemed to find himself stopping anytime soon.

"What are you talking about?" Remus yelled, choking. "I'm not Sirius! I'm Remus!" James was still not convinced, assuming he was lying. "You said the word 'gonna' which is grammatically incorrect! Use 'going to'!" he rectified, hoping James would see he was actually Remus Lupin. At his words, James quickly dropped his hands from his neck in realisation.

"Moony? You drank the Polyjuice potion, too?"

"Polyjuice potion?" Remus repeated. "Oh no..." He groaned, now realising what he'd drank from the bedside table. "This is ridiculous. I saw you, James, I think, leaving the common room with Peter."

"That must have been Sirius," James said bitterly, kicking the sink in frustration which led to him howling in pain.

"Why did Sirius even use the potion to turn into you in the first place?" Remus found himself already answering the question himself. "Lily…"

"That girl causes me all kinds of trouble," James commented, wiping toothpaste that somehow gotten onto his face.

"So," Remus started slowly, "I'm you, and Sirius is also you."

"Shit," James groaned, slamming his head against the bathroom wall. "Please don't tell me there are three James Potters currently in Hogwarts."

"Is that what you want to hear?"

"Not particularly." James slammed his head against the wall every two seconds, sounding like a regular drum beat.

"Then, no," Remus lied. "There are not three James Potters in school today. Although, one has gone off to 'seduce' Lily," he remembered 'James' telling him in the common room moments before. "Whilst two James Potters are currently in this bathroom... One contemplating therapy after this is over."

"Two contemplating therapy," corrected James.

"Right." Remus pinched his unfamiliar James Potter arm to try and wake himself from this horrifying nightmare. Unfortunately, it wasn't a dream, and now Remus only had bruises due to too hard finger-pinching.

"Don't do that to yourself—I mean, to me…er..." James stopped, puzzling himself by his words. "I've had a disturbing morning," he explained, noticing Remus' odd look. "Sirius felt his buttocks in front of me—er, I mean my buttocks - well, you know what I mean. And now I'm talking to you who looks like me and I think I'm going insane."

"You think you're going insane? I'm you. I thought I was drinking water, and now I'm you. And my trousers are too tight and my shirt is breaking my ribs."

"Hey, you should find it honour to be James Potter," James said, oddly cheerful considering the circumstances. "Great, now I'm hysterical." He realised he shouldn't be feeling uplifting considering Sirius Black was walking around Hogwarts in his body, saying stuff in his body, and doing stuff in his body. "We have to go find Sirius." James grabbed for his robe.

"What?" Remus paled. "James, you can't go running after Sirius because he looks exactly like you! What are people going to say if they see both of you at the same time! Everyone will go crazy!"

"I don't care," James said shortly.

"Look, James," Remus tried to remain calm, "I'll come help you look for Sirius but we have to wear some sort of disguises so we won't be recognised, okay?"

Stubbornly, James remained silent and crossed his arms.

"Please, James?" he begged.

"You don't know how strange it is to see myself look so pathetic," James grumbled. Remus raised his eyebrows. "Alright, alright! We'll wear your bloody disguises," he gave in, pulled along by the boy who looked like him towards Sirius' wooden chest beside his bed.

-------

"Well… this is mental."

James was now wearing a red sparkly dress with the tassels, the _exact _dress he wore when he was hammered on his sixteenth party. Why? This was his disguise so he would not be recognised.

"Why women's clothing, Moony? Why, why, _why_?"

"We'll have more of a chance of not being identified," Remus explained, uncomfortably lowering the skirt on waist. He was not wearing a dress, but more of a sophisticated number of a skirt and a flowery lace shirt.

"But this is mental!" James repeated, looking at his body in revulsion. One, because he was wearing a red dress, and two, because it seemed to suit him. "Why does it appear as if I've seen this dress before?"

"One word: alcohol," Remus said simply, repositioning the wig on his head. He now owned black hair that cascaded past his shoulders, and he did not like having long hair due to the fact that it kept irritating him by covering his eyes and also kept getting dangled around his neck. He was certainly glad he was not a girl... or Sirius Black.

"Why do I feel like you're enjoying this?" James asked bitterly. He straightened the wig on his head, light blonde wavy tresses that were a drastic colour change from his dark messy brown.

"Trust me, cross-dressing was not on my list of Things To Do Today."

"Cross-dressing was not on my list of Things To Do _Ever_," James retorted. "Merlin knows why Sirius owns all this fancy dress stuff," he said with disgust.

"You know Sirius. He protests his girlfriends thought the costumes were 'kinky'." Remus examined a pair of tight leather trousers from arm's length and tossed it back into the chest.

"Are we done now? Or do you want to put make-up or condition your hair or something?" teased James.

Remus pulled a face at him. "Alright, we can go. I think we've been disguised enough - but you have to wear these." He handed James horrid objects of torture: high heel shoes.

"No! No, no, no!" James cried at once, backing away. He shielded his eyes as though the footwear would blind him. "I am NOT wearing those... _those things_!"

Remus sighed in exasperation. "You can't wear those school shoes with that dress," he pointed out, thrusting the high heels towards him.

James batted his hand away. "Since when have you become the bloody fashion consultant?"

"Just put them on! You're wasting time."

"No way!" James shook his head. "They are practically towers on your feet! They lift you at least five foot off the ground!" he complained.

"I think you mean five inches. Besides, you play Quidditch! You're used to heights." Remus smiled in satisfaction as James failed to find an excuse for his great Quidditch abilities.

"Whatever!" James answered childishly. "I'm not wearing them so you can stick those heel high things up your arse."

"You'll wear them," Remus threatened, sounding oddly like a parent, "or you won't go at all."

"I am going and without wearing those bloody shoes."

"No, seriously, you have to wear them because Sirius took your school shoes."

"What? No he-" James started to argue, then stared down at his _bare_ feet. "Bastard!" He grabbed the disgusting shoes from Remus and swiftly put them on. "They're my new ones as well! Sirius burnt my last ones. I had to walk around with holes in them for two sodding weeks!"

"Okay then." Remus dusted off his girly clothes and put on a pair of _flat _sandals he's found, much to James' annoyance.

"Let's get this over with." James flicked his blonde hair over his shoulder and walked unstably towards the exit of the dorm.

------

"I think James has man boobs," Sirius decided, examining his chest. "What do you think, Wormtail?"

"No comment," replied Peter. Watching Sirius in James' body clutching his chest was rather horrifying. "Shouldn't we get back to the plan?"

"Oh yeah," Sirius remembered. They were walking along the corridor and had just passed the Great hall and got momentarily distracted by the food, now munching on fairy cakes. "Right, finding whatserface," Sirius said, lips plastered with cake crumbs. "We've checked the library and all those bookworm places. Let's check the grounds."

Peter moaned, "But it's cold outside."

"Well, you should have brought a jumper."

"But it would have covered my shirt." Peter readjusted his dark glasses, puffing out his chest.

"Right..." Sirius shot Peter an odd look. "Let's go outside," he said again in the need of fresh air.

------

"Ow, ow, OW!" howled James, stopping in the corridor and leaning against the wall for the twentieth time in the last ten minutes. James and Remus had gotten some curious looks as they walked around the castle. Students had simply thought they were girls visiting from another school that dressed very extravagantly with matching low male voices.

"Bloody girly shoes!" James lifted a leg up and rubbed his foot that was covered in blisters.

"We have to keep moving or we'll never find Sirius in time," Remus pressed, dragging James by the arm. James stumbled as he was balancing on one leg, being literally pulled by himself. He would never get used to be being ordered by someone that looked exactly like him.

"I've never felt like punching myself in the face until now," James said under his breath.

"I don't know where on earth Lily or Sirius is. We'll have to ask someone," Remus suggested.

As if on cue, a passing seventh year Slytherin walking down the corridor spotted them. Coking an eyebrow along with a cheeky smile, the boy approached them.

"Hello there, ladies," the Slytherin growled, cornering James and Remus against a wall. James frowned at the stranger whilst Remus smacked James on the arm for coming across as rude.

"Hello there," Remus greeted the boy politely, changing his voice higher to match a girl's, much too high that it sounded squeaky like a chipmunk.

"Hello," James put in unenthusiastically. Remus glared at him, ordering with his eyes to act more like a girl or they may be found out. "I mean," James feigned a smile and fluttered his eyelashes, twisting a strand of his fake blonde hair around his finger. "Hi!" he said brightly, too brightly then he nearly deafened the Slytherin.

The nameless boy smiled, more relaxed at James' sudden attentiveness. "I've never seen you two here before. What's your names?"

"My name's Re-" Remus abruptly stopped when he realised he was just about to give his real name. "Er, Re-anna! My name's Rhiana!"

"Who's your sister?" The boy asked, figuring Remus and James were related due to their exact faces.

"Ja-" Remus quickly stepped on his foot before he made the same mistake of giving his boy name when he was posing as a girl. "Ja-melia. It's Jamelia," James grunted.

"Are you visiting from another school?" The Slytherin asked with curiosity.

"Um, yeah," Remus agreed uncertainly. "We're from... Beauxbatons?" He remembered the name of the school from a book he'd read.

"Beauxbatons, really?"

James rolled his eyes. "No, we're lying," he replied dryly. Immediately, Remus burst into fake anxious laughter and forced James to join in.

"Ignore my sister!" Remus squeaked. "She's just shy."

James scowled, folding his arms in a blatant mood.

"So you're, like, from France?" The Slytherin questioned.

James barked a laugh. "Beauxbatons isn't in France, you tit."

Remus exasperatingly shook his head in frustration.

"I think you'll find it is," the Slytherin rectified, shooting James an odd look.

"Ignore Jamelia!" Remus faked laughter once more. "We've just been visiting the Astronomy classroom. She's smelled too much of the fumes!"

James sneered at the Slytherin when he wasn't looking.

"Right, so… your accents, they don't sound very French," the boy noticed.

"We're from Scotland," James blurted out. Remus gave him a bizarre look, wondering what on earth possessed James to say that.

"Scotland? But you don't have Scottish accents."

"We were brought up in England," Remus lied hesitantly.

"Then we moved to France." James went on.

"And went to Beauxbatons," Remus finished.

"Wow," the boy said in interest. "You've certainly travelled a lot."

"Yes. We know French," James conjured with arrogance. Remus looked at him furiously for the ridiculous things he was making up; if he was going to lie, then at least make up something remotely believable.

"I know French too," the Slytherin announced. James and Remus' faces dropped in worry. "Vous les deux regard étourdissant magnifiquement. Etes-vous les deux seul?"

The boys turned white. Neither of them knew what the hell he was rambling on about, although they had a feeling he was flirting with them both.

"Wee?" James answered uncertainly, remembering Sirius telling him that either the word 'piss' or 'wee' was 'yes' in French. His lucky guess was right and the Slytherin looked happy at his answer.

"Un baiser dans votre pays n'est-il pas une salutation de bonjour? Est-ce que ça vous ennuierait si je vous ai embrassé les deux?" the Slytherin asked, winking.

"Er...Wee?" James repeated again, wishing this conversation would be over very, very soon. The boy somehow brightened even more at his reply and leaned towards him and Remus with pouted lips and closed eyes.

"Um, we were looking for James Potter!" Remus yelled, putting his hands in front of his face, whilst James had frozen with horror and disgust at what the Slytherin nearly did with his dirty mouth. The boy swiftly opened his eyes and stopped closing towards them.

"James Potter?" he said disappointedly, backing away from them.

"Yeah, that gorgeous hunk," James made a smug smile. "The one who's got the balls to hit on someone in English."

The Slytherin glared at him. "He's tried for sixth years to do that with Lily Evans and has failed." He glowered and James advanced forward.

"So, do you know where he is?" Remus interrupted, pushing James back. The Slytherin smiled at Remus, taking a shine to him and not to his blonde sister.

"I think I saw him going to the lake with Pettigrew," the boy mentioned.

"Thanks! We must get going!" Remus said hurriedly, dragging James by the arm - he looked as if he might remove the high heel from his shoe and stab the boy in the head.

"High heel! More like high hell," James muttered painfully, stumbling as he ran down the corridor and towards the entrance of the school.

The Slytherin watched them retreat down the corridor wearing a puzzled expression. "Weird sisters… French birds are strange," he noted.

------

Lily stood by the lake, inches away from the water as she looked at her reflection. Her mind was distracted, currently doodling initials of a certain 'J' and 'P' in the notebook she was holding loosely in her hand. She had been daydreaming until a sudden shout startled her, nearly making her fall in the water.

"BOOO!" Sirius yelled, poking Lily's back to get an even more scaring effect.

"AARGH!" Lily shouted, holding onto the apparent James' arm as she nearly stumbled into the water. She pulled away from him once she'd regained her balance, recognizing the boy.

"What are you doing here, Potter?" she asked uncomfortably, shutting the notebook away from his suspicious eyes.

"I've been looking for you, Evans," Sirius growled with seductiveness. Lily frowned at the messy haired boy.

"Well, I like to go to the lake to be alone," she emphasized, turning her attention to the squid splashing in the water.

"No, Evans, you misunderstand," Sirius spoke in a deep voice, only making Lily narrow her eyes. "I've been looking for someone like you all my life."

The redhead reddened familiarly with anger. "Will you shut up with your cheesy chat-up lines! Why can't you just be yourself?"

"Don't deny your love for me, Evans."

"My love for you?" Lily gaped at him. "I can't believe how arrogant you are!" she said in disbelief. "It's unsettling!"

"All the things I do, I do for you, Evans!" Sirius said theatrically, grabbing her hand. Furious than ever, she snatched her hand away and hit him with her notebook.

"Get-over-yourself!" she said in between smacks. Sirius shielded his head pathetically.

"C'mon, Evans. I do everything for you! I make you dinner-"

"You have never made me a meal except for that frog spawn soup you gave me in the Hospital Wing once when I was ill!"

Sirius laughed. "That was great prank I did," he said smugly. Of course, Sirius had been the culprit to change James' bowl of chicken soup for a laugh. Sirius grew buck teeth after James found out.

"I do your laundry!" Sirius protested.

"You stole my underwear!" Lily yelled indignantly.

"I needed a bra to fling stones at the birds!" Sirius argued. "They were pooping on the windows!"

Lily cried out in frustration. "When will you ever grow up? A six year old has more maturity than you posses!"

"But I clean your dishes!"

"You licked my plate of remains of gravy with your tongue," she said distastefully. Sirius had to cringe, admitting that the particular James Potter moment of cleaning Lily's plates to get her germs was not one of James' finest hours.

"So what if James is a disgusting pig? Will you just go out with him, so he will stop stalking you and interrupting my busy schedule with beautiful girls by thinking of multiple ways of ending his life?"

"Why are you referring to yourself as a third person?"

"Err..." Sirius winced, realizing he would have to go onto Plan C of the many 'great plans' of winning Evans over. Quickly, Sirius signalled to Peter who'd been hiding behind a nearby bush. Peter nodded in understanding and revealed himself, wailing as he ran up to Lily.

"What on earth is that noise?" she murmured, wondering why she could hear a bloke's deafening animal call. She turned around and was greeted with Peter Pettigrew, shrieking as he pushed her in the lake. Her body hit the water with an almighty splash.

"Ta, Wormtail," Sirius thanked him, because there was an actual plan to Lily being pushed in the water. Somehow putting Lily in danger and 'James' saving her would apparently make the red haired beauty fall in love with him, in only idiot's eyes.

Lily was currently drowning in the lake.

"Oh my goodness!" a boy said from the edge of the water, eyes widening as he saw Lily wailing her arms and legs in panic. A crowd of students had gathered by the lake now, everyone becoming upset; girls screaming unnecessarily, people pretending they knew Lily to get involved and gain sympathy from others.

"Don't worry, I'll save you!" the boy yelled to Lily, throwing off his robes and intending to enter the lake.

Sirius quickly stopped him. "Oi, get your own drowning girl."

The boy frowned confusedly at him, but nonetheless backed off.

Sirius pulled off his robes and graciously took his time whilst he undressed to save Lily's life.

"Er, Sirius, maybe you should hurry up?" Peter suggested, pointing to the lake where Lily was yelping. Her arms were waving in the air as she cried for help, her head slowly going under.

"Alright, don't get your knickers in a twist. I'm coming," Sirius replied nonchalantly. He made a run up and then dived into the water of the lake; Peter was unfortunately splashed from head to foot in the process.

"My shirt!" Peter fell over from the impact of the water.

Sirius landed in the lake, coughing for air as his head surfaced in the water. He could make out Lily by his side, desperately trying to breathe as the water was climbing into her mouth and ears.

This was the moment when Sirius realised that he couldn't swim.

"HELP!" he screamed pathetically, using Lily as some sort of float, which didn't help as he made Lily's head sink further under water. "HELP MEEEEE!"

--------

"What's going on down there?" Remus asked, as he and James wandered across the grounds. Gathered by the lake was a crowd of screaming students in complete chaos.

"Hey, scuse me," James asked a hysterical third year who was running back towards the school. "What's going on?"

The girl looked at 'her' strangely, wondering why 'she' had such a low voice for a girl and what possessed 'her' to wear such a hideous dress.

"Haven't you heard? Apparently some couple are trying to commit some love pact suicide by drowning themselves in the lake," the girl said, before running off. James and Remus wore the same horrified look, sprinting off.

"Move! Let me through," James commanded, pushing past a swarm of second years who were pointing towards the water. "Don't make me stab your eyes out with my high heels!" he yelled threateningly. The second years quickly made space for him to pass.

Finally the boys managed to get themselves through the throng of people and gaped in horror to find Sirius and Lily submerged in the water. Remus looked to Peter who was sitting on the ground, deeply upset and mumbling something about his pink fuchsia t-shirt being ruined.

"HELP MEEE!" Sirius was hollering.

"I thought James Potter could swim?" a girl asked her friend.

"Apparently not."

"Oh God! Lily!" James bawled in horror, watching her struggle to keep her head above the water. The fact that she was not screaming for help, or at least screaming insults at James, was very worrying. James didn't particularly care about Sirius at this time; Sirius had pulled out his hair and was the reason why he was wearing a dress. In James' opinion, he could drown if he wanted.

"LILY! I'll save you!" James bravely called, taking off his 'loved' shoes.

"Who's she?" A boy asked.

"Dunno. She has a very low voice and from what I can see, a slight stubble too," his friend replied.

However, James was too late to be the hero and rescue Lily as the Giant squid living in the lake had finally reacted to the two drowning students in the water. The creature picked the two up by its tentacles and the students gasped as the squid lifted the two from the depths of the murky water and dropped them back on land Everyone burst into applause at the Giant squid's heroics.

"That should be my clapping," Sirius spurted water out of his mouth. Remus swiftly hit him in the back of the head - one, because he was stupid, and two, because he was very, very stupid. In that order.

"Moony, you're ebony haired," Sirius mentioned. Remus tried and failed to look as if he was not bothered that he was turning red as a tomato and standing in a flowery shirt and skirt.

"You're extremely wet," Remus retorted dumbly.

"I'd say that you have more of a right to be embarrassed right now."

"You squealed like a girl."

"You are a girl," Peter pointed out, pushing his dark glasses further up his nose. Remus had no sharp retort to this, so instead took his attention to the real James who looked on the verge of weeping.

"Lily," he whispered, his wig falling off his head and onto the grass. He dropped to his knees and positioned Lily's head on his lap. The girl looked awfully pale and didn't appear to be breathing.

"I think she needs resuscitation," Remus suggested, and regretted his words when he saw the sudden grins on James and the other James' face.

"This is the best day of my life," James announced blissfully, puckering his lips as he tilted his head towards the redhead of his dreams.

Unfortunately, Lily woke up.

Her eyes shot open and she coughed up water into James' face. He squealed as his face was drenched.

"What happened?" she asked groggily, trying to pick her head up but only resulted in falling back down onto James' knees. She focused on the worried James Potter hovering above her wearing a sparkling red dress, then turned to another wet and soggy James Potter that was lying next to her. Her sight finally landed on a James Potter that was standing beside her dressed in a stylish skirt and shirt of roses.

"_Three _James Potters?" she mumbled sluggishly, then blacked out.


	6. One Potter too many

**Chapter 6**

"AAAAAAA—"

"Uh, Lily—"

"AAAAAAA—"

"Oi, Evans—"

"AAAAARGH!"

A James Potter clamped a hand quickly to Lily's mouth, muffling her high-pitched scream.

"Shhh," he hushed her softly.

"Shut your pie-hole," Sirius said, not so softly, "Madam Pomfrey doesn't know we're here."

Lily breathed heavily through her nostrils. She was now in the Hospital wing, lying on one of the uncomfortable beds, and had been sleeping until she was awoken by three James Potter's standing over her bed. The scene was funnily similar to the grim reaper appearing to sentence your inevitable death. After seeing the three James' by the lake, she was not as calm at their appearance because she simply thought that was some kind of delusional illusion. Seeing them again for the second time was not at all comforting.

Sirius finally removed the hand from her mouth. The boys gazed down at her with curious eyes.

"This is just like the nightmare I had," Lily murmured, clutching the bed sheet.

"Nightmare?" Remus repeated. Lily's head turned to look at him with fearful confusion.

"I dreamt there were multiple James Potter's and they took over the world," she whispered, not at all relaxed in the triplet's presence. "And the leader made me strip dance," she added.

"Oh WOW," James moaned pleasurably, "that dream sounds so brilliant." He swiftly went into day-dreaming mode and Remus rolled his eyes, while Lily frowned. Even though she was very bewildered and confused on to what had happened previously, she would still be annoyed with whatever words came out of James Potter's mouth.

"What the hell is going on?" Lily demanded, looking at each James Potter in turn, not sure which one to focus on. The real James and Remus were still dressed in women's clothing, which would have been to Lily's amusement if she wasn't disturbed by what was in front of her.

"Let's just say the boys wanted so desperately to be me, as the handsome God I am," Lily frowned at James familiarly, "So, they took a Polyjuice potion to mimic my body."

"Lily, it really is a complex and puzzling story, involving irrational thinking by Sirius Black and nonsensical contrivances."

Lily looked at the boy oddly. "Remus, is that you?"

He was a little taken aback. "How did you know?"

"You used long and complicated words."

"See, Moony!" Sirius laughed. "Even when you switch to someone else's body, you still have your big brain!"

"Black?" Lily's voice sounded dreading, recognising his choice of words and realising the inner person.

Sirius smiled at her. "Yes, Miss Evans? You rang?" He leaned on the bed and rested his head on the palm of his hand. Lily smiled sweetly in response, and then kicked him in the face with a furious jerk of her foot. He squealed and fell to the floor. James and Remus found this very humorous.

"What was that for?" Sirius whimpered, rubbing his nose from his position on the ground.

"Because you are an idiot, and you hit on me by the lake, for Potter, which was one of the most ridiculous ideas you've ever done," Lily declared, crossing her arms. Her eyes finally landed on the small Peter Pettigrew by the three James Potter's side.

"Pettigrew?" she questioned wearily. The boy's pitiful head looked up, still bummed out from his fuchsia shirt being ruined by the lake water's impact. He was now changed into a school shirt, much to his disappointment.

"I'd like to say that I'm glad you're you," Lily told him, "but frankly, I'm not."

"Er...thanks?" Peter said uncomfortably, as he did around all girls. Girls rarely talked to him but when they did, it only resulted in the highest discomfort ever in the history of time.

"So let me get this straight," Lily said, rubbing her head. "Black took a Polyjuice potion to turn into Potter. And Remus, you...?"

"Took it by accident," he rectified.

"Thank goodness," muttered Lily. "But shouldn't the potion of worn off by now?"

"Ah," James made a sound that signalled disaster. "That's where Sirius messed up," he explained, sitting on the side of Lily's bed, touching a hand 'casually' to her leg. She replied with a booting foot that swiftly knocked him to the floor.

"Quick reflex action," Remus commented. James mumbled a painful "mhmm" and got to his feet, carrying on with his explanation of Sirius' mistake.

"You see, Sirius followed the directions of the potion wrong," James spoke in a sarcastically happy tone. "He made it too strong. Instead of the polyjuice potion lasting an hour, it seems as if it'll probably last-"

"A day," Sirius said helpfully, grinning like a small child answering a difficult question in class. James awarded him with a sardonic clap.

"A day!" Lily spurted in horror. She couldn't handle three James Potter's in Hogwarts; the school couldn't handle three James Potter's in Hogwarts. One way or the other, she would end up killing one of the James' for annoying the hell out of her, or they would kill her by annoying the hell out of her.

"A DAY!" Remus echoed, now only informed by this new information. Sirius laughed nervously. "You told me the potion would only last another hour!"

"He lied," Peter said. Sirius shrugged his shoulders as Remus folded his arms moodily. Lily could handle Remus being a James Potter considering he was a prefect and a 'decent bloke' as she'd described. The problem was: Lily didn't think Remus could handle being a James Potter.

"Where does the 'stylish' women's clothing come into this?" Lily said, pursing her lips.

"They don't," James pulled up the red dress that was showing a lot more cleavage then intended. "Don't ask," he said fixedly, noticing Lily's raised brow. The girl sighed and touched a hand to her damp hair. She then remembered why it was wet.

"You pushed me in the lake!" Lily exclaimed, glaring at Peter wrathfully. The boy gave her an innocent look but it only made him look as if he was sucking on a sour sweet.

"Shhh," Sirius hushed Lily, threatening to clamp his sticky hand to her mouth again. She gave him a glare that stopped the threat in an instant. "Madam Pomfrey doesn't know we're here. She doesn't need to know we're here. She must not know we're-"

"-here," Lily finished. "I get it, Black."

James shook his head at Sirius and promptly hit him on the arm. "You're a twat, you know that? You nearly killed her."

"Hel-lo?" Sirius said, annoyed by a lot of the hitting being directly focused on him. "I wasn't the one who pushed her in the lake. _Peter _did. Stop hitting me." He pouted.

"You _made _Peter push Lily in the lake," Remus pointed out.

Sirius was stumped. "True," he agreed, stroking a hand to his chin.

"I hope you're being punished for this," Lily said. The boys gave her frowns in gratitude. "You'll be in big trouble when the teachers find out you've used a Polyjuice potion."

"They aren't going to find out," Remus said strongly. The boys and Lily gave him a look of confusion.

"What dy'a mean, Moony?"

"I have not got one detention this year," Remus said proudly. Sirius made an obvious, forced cough sounding like the word 'prude'. "If McGonagall finds out, she will sentence us to removing the gum under the tables of her classroom with our hands, again. Or she'll make us clean the trophy cabinet."

"But they will find out," Lily stressed, "there aren't normally three James Potter's walking around."

"Although the world would be a better place if there was," James grinned, ruffling a hand to his hair. Everyone rolled their eyes at James. His comment was completely unnecessary, however, comical.

"Well," Remus breathed a nervous sigh, "me and Sirius will have to disguise ourselves for classes until the spell wears off."

James chuckled excitedly. "This is brilliant!" he rejoiced. No longer would he wear the horrid red dress and the blonde wig.

"Are you telling me that I will have to wear a wig and a skirt?" Sirius spat. Remus nodded, biting his lip and expecting an explosion of arguments from his friend.

"Cool!" Sirius said happily, shocking everyone. "I bugsy the red haired wig, the black skirt and the high heels," he listed, smiling in pleasure.

James stared at him for a few seconds before saying, "You worry me, mate."

"I think we better go," Remus said, worried by where this conversation was drifting off to. "See you tomorrow, Lily." He dragged Sirius by the arm; he was getting distracted by an ill student in bed who was lying next to Lily's, showered with piles of 'get well soon' chocolates and sweets.

"Mmm, cinnamon..." Sirius said, munching on the jellybean he'd stolen from the packet, belonging to the sick student's goodie basket. Peter copied his 'rebellious' attitude and snatched a jellybean also.

"Crap." Peter's faced winced. "Vomit flavoured."

Sirius cackled. "Only I can pull it off, Wormtail," he laughed, dragging him by the elbow.

"Bye," Lily called, closing her eyes and turning on her side, hearing their walking footsteps. "Nutcases," she muttered. She abruptly heard a loud cough and sat up. She groaned when she realised one of the James Potter's had not left the wing yet.

"Uh, hi?" James said nervously, waving a hand.

Lily sighed. "Potter, if that is you….What are you still doing here?"

"I-uh," James fumbled, uncomfortable under Lily's tired gaze. "I got you something." He displayed a single white lily flower on a stalk from behind his back.

Lily was dumbfounded and gave James a very disturbed look as she picked the flower from his offering hand.

"Er...it's really pretty," she whispered surprisingly, holding the flower in her fingers. "Don't you dare say 'like you', because I will rip your face off," she warned him. James shut his mouth from that exact comment he was going to make.

"Thanks," Lily smiled, grateful for the gift.

She then saw two spying James Potter heads and one belonging to Peter Pettigrew, all with smiling faces, popping out from the door of the Hospital wing. Lily looked horrified at what the boy's must have seen: _her thanking Potter_.

"Uh, I mean," Lily botched, trying to correct her mistake. "I mean, thanks, for er, being such a dumb arse, Potter!" She turned on her side away from him and closed her eyes ready for slumber.

"G'night!" she said in what she thought was a casual tone.

It was a few seconds of uncomfortable silence before James answered.

"...Night, Lily."

Lily heard his monotonous footsteps exit the wing and the Marauders voices become more distant.

"You gave her a flower!" Sirius teased James. "You are such a poof!"

----------

"Ugghh," Lily groaned, tumbling awkwardly in her bed. She sat up moodily and wiped the sweat that had sweltered from her forehead. She hadn't gotten a minute of sleep and it was that entire stupid flower's fault. It seemed to be mocking her as it sat innocently in a cup of water beside her bed. Bloody Lily.

Sighing exaggeratingly, she threw her bed sheet off of her and got out of the bed.

"I need a walk," she announced, slightly disturbed she'd said this action to no one. She sneaked a look at her clothes which looked like some sort of old fashioned night gown. "Wow, I look so attractive," she spoke sarcastically.

Quietly, she glanced at Madam Pomfrey's office. Seeing no signs of alert, she tiptoed silently out of the hospital wing. She was seriously wondering where this sudden 'rebellious' streak had come out of her. Sneaking out of the hospital wing and wandering the corridors in the late hours of the night like a Marauder.

"I must be mad," she murmured to herself.

After a lot of soundless walking, a collision with a knight, and a swearing match with a Hogwarts ghost that threatened to expose her to a professor for 'sneaking about like a, er...sneaker', she finally made it to her destination: the Astronomy tower.

Typical it was already occupied.

"Oh, for the love of Merlin!" Lily complained, her hands placed on her hips.

The black shadowed figure turned around and jumped at her sight.

"Lily?" James murmured. He definitely hadn't expected to see the girl at this particular place so late.

"Who are you?" Lily asked warily, wondering which boy was behind the body.

James did some quick thinking in his head. At least, he thought it was quick. To Lily, it was practically half an hour.

"I'm Remus," James lied. He told himself he had to lie to her. He knew if he'd said he was the real James then she would probably have walked away. Or maybe she wouldn't of. He'd never know.

Stupid fool.

"Remus?" Lily said suspiciously.

"Yeah," James reassured her. He turned his head towards the black sky of stars and started rambling off in a way that he knew Remus always did. "You know, the reason why stars twinkle is because the light from a star has to get though the atmosphere, which contains moving layers of air, before it reaches our eyes. And the layers keep on bending the path of starlight a little, making the stars appear to twinkle, when they actually shine steadily."

"Umm..." Lily was lost for words, unsure what to respond to that information.

"It's quite remarkable that the nearest star to the Earth is the Sun. It's one hundred and fifty two million kilometres away, or nearly twelve thousand times the diameter of the Earth. The stars seem so close," James stretched out a hand in the air, as if to catch one in his palm, "yet so far."

"Well, uh..."

"And did you know that the brightest star is actually called Sirius? It actually produces twenty-five times as much light as the sun. It's a shame the human Sirius' brain capacity isn't as mutually bright."

Lily smiled. "You're definitely Remus," she reassured herself, leaning on the wall of the tower.

"What are you doing out of the Hospital wing? And wearing just a...uh," James glimpsed down at her fashionable nightwear. "A curtain?" he said uncertainly.

"A curtain? I think you're being way too kind," Lily retorted. James shook his head in amusement before taking off his school robes and putting them around her.

"I don't want Madam Pomfrey made at me if she finds you back even more ill than before."

Lily stuck her tongue out at him but nonetheless wrapped the robe around her tighter. "Thanks, dad," she teased.

They stood in comfortable silence until James had to burst something out of his mouth.

"I'm sorry, y'know," he spoke in a sombre tone. "I didn't mean to get you nearly drowned in the lake."

"Remus," Lily said in shock, "it wasn't your fault!" James realised his mistake and was getting confused by the person he was suppose to be posing as.

"Um, I mean, _James _is sorry," he rectified, looking at Lily with pleading eyes. "It really wasn't _his _fault."

Lily scoffed, not liking to the new topic change. "It's always his fault."

"No, really, it was actually Sirius' idea. His fault. Nothing to do with me— uh, I mean James." He smiled nervously, aware that he was fumbling but Lily didn't seem to notice. She instead took a sudden interest with her fingernails.

"Don't stick up for him," she mumbled.

James sighed, taking his gaze off her and looking again at the stars and crescent moon. "He really does care about you."

"I'd really like to believe that," her voice sounds strangled, "But I can't."

James was about to run a frustrated hand through his hair but realised that Remus Lupin would not do that. "Why? Why can't you just believe that I—uh, that _he _is falling in love with you?"

"Love?" Lily repeated, her eyes narrowing. "He only wants me because I'm unattainable! Because I'm the only girl who's ever said no to him! Because I don't worship the ground he walks on and haven't licked his bloody shoes clean with my own spit shine!"

"Sirius did that once when he was drunk," James clarified. Lily gave him an odd look. "Seriously, Lily, James doesn't like you because you always say no to him. He hates the fact that you do," he said truthfully, tugging on his jumper sleeves.

"I really don't get him" Lily bit her lip, "I just don't get his infatuation with me, Remus. He knows nothing about me."

James mouth opened in hurt. "He knows that your favourite lip balm is strawberry and you reapply it in classes of History of Magic, Astronomy, and in Transfiguration when Mcgonagall isn't looking."

Lily's eyes widened in surprise, "How did you know—?"

"And that you wear a different pair of coloured socks every day of the week. Each day coordinated to a specific colour. So, today is Sunday, so you should be wearing the purple socks with the white stitching."

Lily glanced down at her feet, toes moving in her current purple socks. "How did you—"

"James knows that your school shoes are one size too big, so you stuff them with tissues to make up for the feet space."

Lily gawked, "No one's suppose to know about that—"

"He knows that you carry around a green notebook that you doodle and write in and that you pass back and forth to friends writing notes. And that you've used it as a door stop, to hit my friends with, to fan your face in that heat wave of July of third year, to kill flies and to protect yourself from the rain," James chuckled.

"I really need a new notebook," Lily realised, getting distracted.

"He knows that you wear the same locket around your neck every day," James pointed to Lily's necklace which was funnily enough worn at this precise moment. "You never take it off. And before exams or tests, you rub on it for good luck."

"Superstitious nut," Lily mumbled absent-mindedly. "But…he can't know all that stuff, it's impossible. …How do _you_ know?"

"James told me," he breathed. They stood in silent thinking.

"I can't believe he knows all that stuff," Lily whispered eventually.

"Neither can I," James admitted, running a hand through his hair, and stopping when he realised Lily was looking at him intensely and quickly changed his action to a head scratch instead.

"He only likes me because I hate him," Lily murmured mulishly.

James bit his lip. "You don't hate him…" He wanted reassurance from her more than anything. Lily turned to look at him and broke into a guilty smile.

"You're right, Remus," Lily said honestly, "I don't. It's weird talking to you when you look like him," she admitted, turning her gaze off him. "Do you want to know what's odd?"

"Besides the fact that we're talking in the Astronomy tower at midnight?"

"Yes."

"Go on."

Lily made a breath of exhaustion. "It's strange, but…I do sometimes _think _I like him, until he opens his mouth. Him talking spoils it."

"He can sometimes not think before he speaks," James admitted with a cringe.

"It's really strange, but some days I just…I just can't get him off my brain," she shook her head in slight frustration. "You know, before I was standing by the lake, doodling in my notebook, just looking at the sky. And before I knew it, I looked down, and what happened to be on the page? The initials J-sodding-P."

"Its fate," James smiled.

"More like it's hysterical," Lily muttered, but eventually smiled.

"Give him a chance, Lily."

She observed him, finding it difficult to be looking at James Potter after all the conversation being about him. "I dunno, Remus."

"Please?" James pleaded, holding on to her arm. Lily had to remind herself that 'Remus' was behind the action before she started to believe that she was actually talking to the real James Potter.

"Okay," Lily finally agreed, shocked by her own words. "Maybe…Maybe I will."

James broke into a grin, and was even happier when Lily pulled him into a friendly and grateful hug. This moment would be going in the 'contacts with Lily' notebook.

"Thanks, Remus," she mumbled into his shoulder. "You're a great friend."

James rubbed her back reassuringly, and had to shake himself before he held on to Lily so tightly that he broke her ribs. She eventually pulled away from him with and gave him a genuine smile.

"I'll see you tomorrow. Better get back before Madam Pom-Poms knows I'm gone." Lily laughed.

"Sirius made up that nickname," James chuckled.

"I know," she said regretfully. "It's catchy. Don't tell him I said that or he'll think I like him or something." She waved a hand then left James to stand in complete bliss and silence.

That was until James decided to some celebratory victory dance, because Lily had hugged him. Lily Evans had hugged him, of all people. And also kind of admitted she like him. This was in need of a definite dance orgy. That was the reason why James Potter was moving his hands jovially in a circular movement whilst doing some fancy pelvic thrusts; complete with some singing of "she hugged me, oh yeah, she hugged me right here-"

"Uh, Remus?"

Oh dear. James had been caught in his dance orgy. He turned around and saw Lily with a look of confusion, wondering what on earth 'Remus Lupin' was doing making pelvic thrusts. James tried inconspicuously to turn the mid pelvic thrust into some odd peculiar stretch and sent Lily a casual look of wonder.

"Um, yes, Lily?"

"I forgot to give your robe back," she said hesitantly, pulling the robe off her shoulders and handing it to James. He batted the hand away.

"No, you keep it."

"Keep it?" Lily repeated wearily.

"Well, not keep it. Because that's my only school robe," James laughed nervously, "just give it back to me tomorrow. It's cold in the corridors."

"Thanks," Lily said gratefully, pulling the robe back on. She waved a slightly disturbed hand and then exited again.

To tell the truth, James was freezing his balls off. But if Lily was cold, he'd even rip off his own skin to her if she had a miniscule feeling of slight coldness.

--------

"Prongsie...?" Sirius said sluggishly, his head popping out from behind his bed cover. James walked into the boy's dorm, practically skipping. Sirius was very worried. "It's past one in the morning. Where the hell've you been?"

"Heaven," James answered blissfully, collapsing onto his bed with an expression of content.

"My God, you sound so queer," Sirius commented, rubbing his eyes with his hands.

"I can't believe I'm looking at myself calling me gay," James paused with amusement. "It's rather odd."

Sirius ignored him. "So, who've you been with to look as if you've been on cloud-bloody-nine?" James replied with a satisfied sigh. "Let me guess, Evans?"

He nodded in his dream like state. Sirius looked suddenly excited. "What you two been up to then, eh?" His face eager on being told the exciting details of his encounter, winking with a smirking face.

"Evans and I," James paused dramatically, "hugged."

Sirius' face dropped with disappointment.

"You...hugged?" Sirius repeated in dissatisfaction. "Oh God, I hope you were using protection!" he said mockingly.

"Shut up," James replied, flinging a pillow at Sirius.

"You know, I'd fling a pillow back at you but my puny James Potter arms wouldn't handle the weight."

James mouth dropped in affront. "Don't make me wake up Moony! He'll kick your arse!"

"He would actually," Sirius agreed. "Because I am currently in your body, and you are lanky."

"I'm going to let that one slide," James tugged the bed cover over him and laid his head on his pillow. "Because I'm tired, and, funnily enough, the whole Polyjuice potion idea has made hugging happening between me and Lily and nothing could ruin this moment."

"One for the 'contacts with Lily' notebook, eh?"

"Hell yeah," James agreed, snuggling into his pillow. "Pads?"

"What?" Sirius called.

"How do you know when you've, um," James paused uncomfortably, "found...the one?"

There was silence. Well, not _complete _silence.

"Stop scratching your crotch, Sirius. I'm trying to have a serious conversation with you."

"A serious conversation with Sirius," Sirius laughed under his bed sheet. James sighed exasperatedly. "Mate, don't talk Maths with me at this time of the morning," he mumbled. James gave up on asking advice from his friend and tried getting some shut eye.

"You just know."

"What?" James said confusedly, sitting up.

Sirius exhaled noisily. "When you've found the one, there's no thinking about it," he said softly. "You just know."

James smiled to himself. "You're surprisingly smart at this time of the morning."

"Shut up, you tit. Get some sleep."

James laughed. "G'night agony aunt."

"Night, bum boy."


	7. The Peenapul Sisters

**Chapter 7**

"Who's gonna break it to him?"

"I'm not. He's already pissed off at me."

"Well, at least wake him up."

The James Potter duplicates were currently standing over the real James Potter's bed, on a Monday morning, watching James drool as he snored. They had some bad news to inform him.

Sirius grabbed a mug from bedside table and quickly threw it over James' head.

"AAARGH!" he screamed, sitting up instantly and clutching at his face that he felt was melting.

"That was my hot coffee," Remus pointed out.

Sirius cringed. "Woops..."

"_Oh_, so much pain," James moaned. Using his wand, he conjured up a bag of peas and pressed them to his cheeks.

"We have a problem, Prongs." Sirius said nervously.

"You better put some glasses on," Remus advised him.

"Wha…?" James replied groggily. Blinking and rubbing his eyes, he grabbed for his glasses and put them on to view his friends. "Hey guys," he greeted, and then finally realised the scene before him. "What the hell!"

He looked at the front of his bed where three James Potters were standing over him wearing grim expressions. "Wait a minute, one...two…three...four," he pointed to each boy in turn, including himself. "One...two...three...four?" he counted confusedly. The James Potter mimics stared on blankly. "One...two-"

"Yes, Prongs, there are four James Potter's in this room."

"Right-o," James replied with uncertainty. "Unless this is some freaky out of body experience...I don't think there should be this many James' here."

"No shit, Sherlock."

"Shut up, Moony," James snapped.

"I'm Sirius." He waved a hand.

"Sorry," James apologized, looking very bewildered as he gazed at the many boys with messy hair. "What on earth is going on? There should only be _three_ James' here."

"Actually, there should only be _one _James here."

"Shut it, Sirius!"

"I'm Remus," he sighed tiredly.

"Sorry," James apologized again. "For Christ's sake, you need name tags! Arghh..." He breathed out to try and calm himself. It didn't work. "Right. Moony, raise your hand," he commanded.

The middle James Potter put up a palm whilst rolling his eyes.

"Okay. Padfoot, raise your hand," James ordered next.

The James Potter on the left raised two hands, just to outdo Remus, and completed the hand-raising with a bow and cheesy wink.

"I said raise a hand, Sirius, not do a trashy commercial."

Sirius stuck his tongue out in response.

"So, if you're Moony, and you're Padfoot," James concluded, looking at the left and middle multiples of him. "Then who the hell are you?" He directed the question to the right James Potter who was looking a little on edge.

"Um...It's Peter."

"Wormtail!" James yelled. "How did you turn into me?"

"Um..." Peter looked down at his feet. "You see, I uh, took the Polyjuice potion."

"Well, I know that, don't I!" James barked. He was not taking the bad news very well. "How did you take the potion? Did someone force it down your throat?"

"I took a goblet, then I scooped a cup full of Polyjuice potion into it, then I drank it." Peter explained, pleased with himself that he'd remembered all the details.

"You drank it!" Peter cowered. "You just drank it_ willingly_!" James yelled in disbelief. "_Just like that_! But _why_?"

A look of pity crept upon Peter's face. "Well, everyone was turning into a James Potter, and I felt left out."

Sirius and Remus couldn't help but chuckle at the situation.

"_You felt left out?_"James repeated in anger. "What the hell is wrong with you people? I swear to God everyone just wants to turn into me! Let's have a party, shall we? Hand out sodding Polyjuice potions for everyone so _everybody_ and _anybody_ can turn into me! Let's dance and get rat-arsed looking like James-bloody-Potter!"

"I like that idea."

"Shut up, Peter!"

"I'm _Sirius_. Christ, we pointed out which people we were and you still can't remember barely two minutes after being told?" he laughed. James collapsed back on his bed.

"Why is the world against me?"

"Because you're a bad person." Sirius patted him on the head. James frowned; watching him pat himself on the head was not a pretty sight. "You are being punished for not giving your friend's good enough Christmas presents."

"I got you ten galleons worth of chocolate for Christmas!" James reminded him.

"Yes, you did. But it was all gone in an hour."

"Because you ate it all."

"Yes..." Sirius agreed, looking puzzled. "I did. Um, what was the point I was trying to make?"

"That you have the stomach capacity of a cow?" Remus suggested.

"Oi, you're saying I'm as fat as a cow?"

"Oh for the love of Merlin, never mind!" Remus dismissed, seeing the conversation going way off topic. "We better get ready for class. We've got no time for breakfast."

"Ah, yes," James rubbed his hands together in a sinister way, looking suddenly happy. "Time to play dress up."

---------------

"I don't think this going to work..." Remus said, quickening his pace in the corridor to Transfiguration. They were late for their first class, unfortunately with Professor McGonagall.

"What do you mean you don't think it's going to work?" James repeated anxiously. "It was your idea!"

"_Wow_." Sirius stopped to look at his reflection in a passing window. He looked at himself, who was James, posing as a girl (it could get rather confusing if he thought about it too much). "Oh…Merlin," he uttered in awe of himself. "If I were a guy, I'd totally shag me." He smiled, pulling up his short skirt, so high that you could see his knickers.

"Shut up, Sirius!" James said madly. He winced as he witnessed his friend who looked like him wearing a school uniform a size too small and horrifically tight, making _certain things _stick out. "Are you trying to look like some kind of tart?"

"Jealousy is a fickle thing, my friend," Sirius retorted. He rubbed his lips together which were covered in a bright pink lipstick, flicking a strand of his fake red hair out of the way of his James Potter glasses.

"What is with these shoes?" Remus barked, stumbling as he walked.

"Hah, now you know how I felt." James smiled evilly, watching as Remus swatted his long black hair out of his sweating face.

"I'm so hot I feel like I'm in hell," Remus complained. His face was even reddening with the heat of his wig. It felt like a sauna on his head.

"Wormtail, hurry up!" James pressed.

Peter was straggling behind, currently tying his hair blonde haired wig into a ponytail. "Wait a second; I've got to do my hair." He produced a brush and was now using that to detangle his wig.

James was livid.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" he shrieked. "No one gives a _rat's arse_ about your bloody hair!"

"I'm rather fetching," Sirius announced, ignoring James' furious shouts and admiring his reflection in a window for the umpteenth time.

"I'd call you shallow but that would be an insult to a puddle," Remus remarked.

"Just look at me, guys." The boys looked at Sirius with exasperation. James' mouth eventually opened in indignation. "Look at my puddings." Sirius placed his two James Potter' hands on his fake bosoms.

"_How_ on _earth_ did you get _those_?" Remus demanded, shifting his gaze from Sirius who was squashing his 'breasts' together in a very inhumane way.

"_How_ did you suddenly just grow boobs?" James questioned in horror.

"A bra and tissues can go a long way." Sirius tapped his nose. "You never know, all the girls in our class could be doing it!"

Both James and Peter gasped in horror.

"You lie!" Peter said, not wanting to believe Sirius' theory.

"It's possible, my minion."

"No way," James dismissed.

"I refuse to believe it!" Peter crossed his arms stubbornly and flicked his blonde hair over his shoulder.

"Yeah," James agreed. "Besides, Lily's are definitely real."

The boys instantly looked at James at that comment.

"How'd you know?" Sirius raised his eyebrows with curiosity.

"When we hugged, I felt her boobs press up against me and they were definitely harder than tissue."

"You are sadistically perverted," Remus acknowledged.

"One of my many, _many_ great traits, Moony. Now, let's get a move on!" James dragged his friends to McGonagall's classroom. Once they'd finally reached the classroom doors, Remus stopped his friends before they entered.

"Hold up a second. Let's be a little organised, shall we?"

The boys looked at Remus blankly. Organization wasn't one of their main priorities. They were more of the 'think and do stupid things now, think about the consequences later!' people.

"Okay_, I_ will try and be organised _for us_," Remus corrected. The boys nodded happily along. "We have to make some sort of plan to tell McGonagall, unlike the conversation we had with that Slytherin. Remember, Prongs?" He shot a look at James who suddenly looked horrified, remembering being seduced by the seventh year.

"What Slytherin?" Sirius and Peter asked in unison.

"There was this arse Slytherin flirting with us," James explained briefly, trying to speak over Sirius' bursts of laughter. "He didn't like me much. He had more of a thing for Moony-"

"He did not having a thing for me!" Remus argued. "Stop distracting me! We need to make something up and tell McGonagall we're…let's say, students, students visiting for the day from-"

"JAMAICA!"

"NO, SIRIUS! We've been over this. We're not saying we're from bloody Jamaica!"

Sirius pouted, "Why not?"

"Because I said so," Remus answered lamely.

James laughed. "Your Jamaican accent sounds Irish, Padfoot."

"No it doesn't!" Sirius protested. "You've got some weird ear deficiency." He suddenly pulled on James' ear, causing much affliction.

"Let go of me, you tart!"

"Don't call me a tart!" Sirius hollered. "Just because I wear a short skirt and have great boobs-"

"Made of tissue," Peter cut in.

"But the important thing is that they look real!"

"Unless you open your shirt, then a bomb of tissues falls out like confetti at a wedding."

Remus looked impressed at James' inspiring imagery.

"I bet being a girl is brilliant," Peter mused.

"I don't think so," Remus disagreed. "Apparently the menstruation is horrific."

"_Uuurgh_," Sirius squealed immaturely. "You mean that period thing?" He spoke the word _period_ as if it were a forbidden word- which it was, by a boy anyway. "You mean, when blood comes out of their vagi-"

"Don't you dare say the word 'vagina' out of my mouth!" James warned him threateningly.

"Hah!" Sirius laughed. "You already did!"

"Shit."

A sudden forced cough made the Marauders turn to face Professor McGonagall, the doors opened to her classroom as she stood with a more displeased face than usual. Her black hair, as always, tied back so tightly it made her forehead look abnormally large. She pushed her glasses further up her nose and threw James a frown.

"Potter, I sincerely hope my ears were deceiving me," the professor warned.

James turned white. A few nosey classmates tried poking their heads back to see what the commotion was outside the classroom.

"I didn't say shit!" James tried to defend himself. "Except for then...but I didn't say shit before!"

Remus gave him a tired look that said "you are digging yourself into a deeper hole, mate..."

"I definitely didn't swear," James continuedto justify as McGonagall continuedto frown. "I said sh..." he pondered for any word that started with the letters 'sh'. Funnily enough, his mind was completely blank and it seemed as if his whole vocabulary Remus had taught him had gone through one ear and out the other. "Sh..." he repeated. "Okay, I've got no backup word."

"Shalalalalabamba?" Sirius suggested.

"What?" James hissed out of the corner of his mouth.

"You know what I'm talkin' about!_ Shalalalalabamba_!" Sirius sang as the boys stared at him, bewildered. "Shala-

"Excuse me," McGonagall interrupted tiredly. "Are you quite finished? Because I have a class to teach." She turned to James. "Mr. Potter, you are already ten minutes late to my lesson."

"Ah, sorry, professor," he apologized. "I was busy looking after the visiting foreign students." He waved his hand to the three similarly faced 'girls' standing beside him. The boys shot her innocent smiles.

"Hmm…I suggest you go inside and sit down," McGonagall advised James, who gladly rushed inside the classroom and took a seat. "I do apologize. I haven't been informed of your arrival," she said suspiciously, eyeing the 'girls'. "Come inside and introduce yourselves."

The professor beckoned them to follow and the shut the classroom doors with the flick of her wand. The boys walked unstably in their high heels as they followed McGonagall to the front of the classroom. All the students' eyes were on them, the class whispering with excitement and curiosity.

"Oh no," Lily whispered in disbelief. "You have got to be kidding me." She shot a disturbed look at James from her seat, and he simply shrugged his shoulders, not willing to elaborate.

"Who exactly are you?" McGonagall questioned, folding her arms as she stared with intimidation at the 'foreign students' who stood in a line up.

Remus spoke first in his practised feminine tone. "We're sisters," he explained in a high voice. "I'm Rhiana," he used the same name which the Slytherin had been charmed by. Remus nudged Peter to talk.

"I'm. P-" he stopped when he realised that he was about to reveal his boy name. "I'm P...Pipi?" he squeaked.

"Pipi?" Mcgonagall repeated skeptically. She turned to Sirius the redhead. "And you are?"

"I'm Penelope," Sirius smiled, fluttering his eyelashes and curling a strand of his hair around his finger. Remus smacked a hand to his forehead.

"And what is your surname?" The professor interrogated.

"Surname?" Peter yelped.

"P-" Sirius restrained himself. He was about to say 'Potter', as he'd rehearsed many times after turning into James after drinking the Polyjuice potion. Telling the professor their surname was Potter wouldn't be a wise move. "Er..." Sirius stammered. "P...p-pineapple?"

Yes, Sirius had just declared that their surname was a tropical fruit because that was the only word that had come to his head beginning with the letter 'p'. Although, there are many surnames beginning with 'p' that _aren't pineapple, _such as Patterson, Parker, Phillips...

"Pineapple?"

Remus was busy trying to make Sirius explode with the power of his mind.

"Er, well..." Sirius stuttered. "It looks like the word pineapple, but, uh, it's actually pronounced _Peen-a-pul_."

James was busy slamming his head against his desk.

"So," the professor began, almost amused. "Your name is Penelope...Peenapul?"

"Yes," Remus gritted through his teeth.

Peter was busy chewing a hole through his lip with anxiety. So far, he was around three quarters of the way.

"It's rather strange, isn't it" Sirius laughed nervously. "It sounds exotic, because we're from Jamaica."

Yep, Peter was all the way through now. In fact, his lip was bleeding severely. Remus was busy shaking with anger at what Sirius had done after he had _specifically told him not to_.

"Jamaica?" McGonagall repeated with surprise.

"Howareya?" Sirius asked the professor, suddenly taking on his Irish brogue which he perceived as a Jamaican accent in his head. Of course, he was unaware to the fact that he was getting the accents completely wrong. "I'm grand! You're grand! Everyone's grand!"

Professor McGonagall was purely lost for words, not sure what to make of Penelope Peenapul and his two quiet sisters.

"Professor Dumbledore never informed me that you were visiting."

"That wee lad James Potter was supposed to tell ya," Sirius explained, pointing to James who tried to change his look of bewilderment to understanding once McGonagall was looking at him. "Bloody eejit," Sirius insulted him. James glared fully.

"Why don't you take a seat?" McGonagall thought the best possible solution was to sit the three girls down and as far away from her as possible.

"Cheers!" Sirius said gratefully, skipping over to a seat next to James. Remus and Peter exchanged a wary look and then followed. However, just as the Peenapul sisters were about to sit down, McGonagall stopped them.

"I don't think so."

"Sorry?" Remus said confusedly.

"I don't think your choice of seats is particularly wise," McGonagall said in her nicest tone, casting a look at James who was looking extremely insulted. "Let's see, Miss Pipi? You take a seat next to Dorris over there," the professor ordered, pointing to a disgruntled Gryffindor sitting at the back. Peter grumbled to himself as he took his new seat. "Miss Rhiana? Why don't you take a seat next to Mr. Snape."

Remus' jaw dropped to the floor. Out of all the people in the classroom, McGonagall had chosen a Slytherin who despised him, and who he also despised. Of course, Severus would probably never recognise it was Remus, evidently by the fact he was in a copy of James body - unless Snape smelt Remus Odour with that big nose of his.

"Some time today please, Miss Peenapul," McGonagall pressed.

Remus beamed a fake smile of gratitude and took his seat over to Snape who looked as if he was sitting on a beehive.

"And finally, Miss Penelope?" Sirius looked up at the sound of his false name. "Why don't you sit by…" The professor glanced around the room and saw Lily. "Miss Evans over there."

Lily's mouth opened in indignation as McGonagall's finger pointed at her. Sirius looked elated at the seating plan, skipped over and sat down next to Lily with no complaints. James' jealousy was so noticeable that steam was coming out of his ears, clouding up the room.

"I'm guessing that is you, Black," Lily murmured to Sirius. He flicked his hair over his shoulder and replied with a wink. "Penelope?" Lily echoed in disgust as she glanced at his tight fitted uniform. "What's the matter with you? If you want to be caught by the teachers, you're going the right way about it," she hissed as the professor turned her back.

"I don't know whatya talkin' about," Sirius replied, his accent now mixed from all countries.

"Jamaica?" Lily repeated, and couldn't help but chuckle. "You are so going to get caught," she smiled with evil satisfaction.

"Me don't tink so," Sirius argued, turning to face Lily as McGonagall was fully distracted by a student who'd blown up a rabbit whilst trying to transfigure it into a cushion.

Lily sighed. "Black, you are aware you are not speaking a Jamaican accent. In fact, I don't fully recognise the accent you are speaking since you've ruined it so greatly."

"Ya rasicst!" Sirius accused, poking Lily in the arm.

"What? What are you even talking about?"

"You insult me and me country!"

"Will you shut up?" Lily hissed, aware that he was causing a scene and many students were staring at them. "I think you've been drinking too much pumpkin juice."

"You insult me and me country! Ya racist!"

Lily frowned at him. "What are you on about?" she snapped. "You need psychiatric help."

Sirius boldly stuck his hand in the air and called for the Professor. "Professor! Professor Meegoneegall!"

Lily tried to tug his hand down. "What are you doing, you idiot!"

McGonagall finally took notice and walked over to the pair as she had been walking around the classroom helping students.

"What seems to be the problem?" McGonagall asked.

"She is being racist! She insult me and me country!" Sirius echoed, pointing to Lily who was gaping at him.

"I did no such thing!" Lily protested. "He's lying, professor! He-"

"_She_, Miss Evans," the professor corrected, looking at her with disappointment. "Please try to sort out your differences. I expect you to welcome the visitors to Hogwarts, Miss Evans." She gave her a stern look and then returned to examining the other students transfiguring.

Lily huffed, mumbling obscene references to causing Sirius as much pain as possible and tried to get her attention to changing her rabbit to a cushion. However, Sirius holding on to his breasts was distracting her.

"You have boobs?" Lily gasped. "You have boobs _since when_? And they're bigger than mine!" she spoke in horror.

"What can I say?" Sirius spoke arrogantly. "I am blessed." He made another prod of his faux bosoms, but accidentally poked too hard, causing tissue to fall out of his shirt and land in all directions.

"Oh my goodness!" Lily shrieked in laughter, losing all feelings of anger. She found it hysterically funny that Sirius, in James' body, was stuffing his chest with tissues. "And you're wearing a bra!" she realised, cackling. "Oh, if you don't kill me now, I will die of laughter!"

"Shut yee bastard mouth!" Sirius picked up the remains of his boobs from the floor and stuffing them quickly back under his shirt. "S'not funny!"

Lily was clutching her stomach with painful laughter, slightly hyperventilating. Once she'd managed to calm down, she turned to face Sirius who had crossed arms over his dilated bosoms.

"So," Sirius smirked. Lily looked at him suspiciously. "My boobs aren't real, but are yours?"

Without any warning, he poked Lily's right breast to confirm for himself if James was indeed telling the truth. Lily immediately shrieked and punched him in the nose.

"Miss Evans, what on earth possessed you?" McGonagall shouted, only spotting Lily's action of hitting the Peenapul sister and not Penelope's boob poking. "Physical violence to one of Hogwarts guests! I am disgusted!"

"But, professor!" Lily's mouth opened in shock and humiliation for getting caught, arms wrapped protectively over her chest. "He, I mean, she, she…she touched my-"

"That's enough," Mcgonagall cut in. "A month's detention for you."

Lily gaped in horror. She'd never once got detention. It was such a _Marauder thing_.

------------------

Remus was feeling_ very_ uncomfortable sitting next to Snape. He tried to interrupt the silence with foot tapping, finger clicking, and also head scratching, but all actions seemed to make Snape's eye twitch.

"Is there something on my face?" Remus asked bluntly in his girly voice, wondering why Snape had been staring at him for the whole hour. Remus sincerely hoped Snape didn't fancy Rhiana. That would be very unsettling.

"You look...familiar," Snape said suspiciously, peeking behind his black and greasy hair.

"Familiar?" Remus squeaked. Sweat noticeably dripped down his forehead.

"Yes," Snape answered as he examined him. "Have I seen you in Hogsmeade before?" His voice was laced with curiosity as he looked at him with an expression of interest.

"Hogsmeade?" Remus echoed, fidgeting nervously with his ebony hair.

Remus was panicking - he _knew_ eventually someone would have the common sense to realise he was not a foreign student from Jamaica, and was actually a James Potter wannabe. Snape would tell McGonagall and sentence the Marauders to a lifetime imprisonment in Azkaban and-

"Sorry," Snape apologized, blushing with embarrassment. Blushing was not a common thing to see on Severus Snape. "I just get a little uncomfortable around beautiful girls."

That comment hit Remus like a smack in the face. Yes, it was a compliment, but by _Snape_. The minute Remus got out of the classroom he would try and suffocate himself with his school bag.

"Beautiful?" Remus squeaked, trying to move away discreetly. His bottom was now barely an inch on his seat as he was trying to scrape away.

"Yes, beautiful."

Snape suddenly grabbed Remus' hand with a look of desire and kissed his lips to it. Remus had to stop himself from screaming.

"Is it hot in here?" Remus snatched his hand away and pressed it to his collar, fanning his face that was a beetroot red. "Is it just me, or is really, _really_ hot in this room?"

"I'll open a window for you," Snape suggested, jumping to his feet and walking over to one of the classroom windows. Remus took this opportunity to look over at James with a pleading look.

"HELP ME!" he mimed over to him. James replied with a cheerful thumb up and turned his attention back to the rabbit he was turning simultaneously to a cushion and back into a rabbit again with ease.

"Why you little..." Remus muttered, smiling falsely as Snape returned with an unusual happy face.

"Is that better?" Snape questioned, sitting back down.

"Lovely," Remus gritted through his teeth, wondering when the madness would end. "Simply spiffy."

---------------------

"Mr. Potter," McGonagall began, standing at the front of his desk. "Where are your friends, Black, Lupin and Pettigrew?"

James looked surprised; he hadn't thought about the professor questioning where his friends were. He was hoping the arrival of the foreign guests would distract her.

"Um..." James realised the whole class was now looking at him, waiting for an answer. "They're in the Hospital wing," he lied.

"Hospital wing? What is wrong with them?"

James glanced over at the Peenapul sisters for help on the illness they could have. Remus mimed with a sensible "stomach bug!" Peter mouthed the pathetic "headache!" And finally Sirius whispered "vomiting!"

"Piles," James blurted out.

The class interrupted with sniggers and chuckling.

"My goodness," McGonagall commented with distaste. "That is terrible."

"No, no, _no_!" Sirius argued, raising his hand to the professor. "That is incorrect, Professor Meegoneegal!" He glared at James. "Mister Black _does not have _piles! Mister Black does not _do_ piles!"

"Miss Peenapul," James started in a cheerful voice, "I think you'll find Sirius does have piles."

"I think you'll find," Sirius retaliated, "he does not."

"He does."

"He does not."

"_He does_!"

"_He does not_!"

"HE DOES NOT!"

Fortunately, it was the end of class; much to the professor's wishes, feeling a sudden headache as she always did with this particular group of sixth years.

"Do give my regards to your friends, Potter," McGonagall patted James on the shoulder and returned to her desk.

"_He does not_!" Sirius shrieked again, thoroughly annoyed by the fact that he was shouting to a minimal audience, considering the classroom was empty as most of the students had exited already.

"I've got one month of detention because of you," Lily growled, grabbing Sirius by the close-fitting shirt.

"Oh yeah," Sirius remembered, cowering at the sight of the wrathful girl. "Sorry 'bout that."

"I'm gonna-"

Sirius sneakily got out of Lily's grip and sprinted out of the classroom.

"Why you little….get back here, you arse face! Get back here, Black—I mean, _Penelope_!" Lily shouted, running after him.

James, Peter and Remus watched as the two blurred figures run past them and out into the corridor.

"How can you like that girl?" Peter asked on the subject of Lily.

"She's feisty," James grinned. "She's even attractive when she's angry." He finally took notice of Remus who seemed to be stunned with silence, looking extremely ill. "Moony, you okay?"

Remus grunted and tried to strangle himself with his wig.

"What happened with Snape? Did he grease attack you?" Peter joked and burst into unrequited, hysterical laughter.

Remus stared on blankly.

"Moony, what did he-"

"I don't want to talk about it." Remus butted in.

"But-"

"I don't want to talk about _it_." Remus dismissed, blocking his ears with his fingers and loudly bursting into the Greek alphabet to block his hearing from his friends' persistent questions. "Alpha, Beta, Gamma…" he mumbled as he exited the room.

"Weird bloke, that one," James commented, then dragged Peter out of the classroom by his blonde ponytail.


	8. The wonders of medicine

**Chapter 8**

Three of the Marauders; Sirius, Remus and Peter, otherwise known as Penelope, Rhiana and Pipi, were currently sitting in the corner of the Gryffindor common room after an exhausting day of classes.

"Penelope, can I touch your-"

"No."

"Penelope? Can I grope your-"

"No."

"Penelope, can I carry your-"

"No," Sirius repeated sternly, frowning at the fifth years which he did have a mild respect for until they drooled over him in his new feminine body. The three nameless and highly perverted boys gave Sirius a look of disappointment. "No-one," Sirius hissed, "is touching my breasts. Groping my breasts. Or 'carrying' my breasts." He made an especially disturbed look at the third boy.

"I was going to ask to carry your _books_ to your classes tomorrow," the boy rectified.

"Oh," Sirius said embarrassingly. "Well, um, no thanks. I am capable of carrying my own books."

The three Penelope-obsessed boys sighed before trudging up the stairs to their dormitory.

"If one more guy tries to seduce you, I will vomit on your face," Remus clarified, trying not to disgorge over the book he was reading.

Sirius sighed miserably. "You know, it was fun being a girl at first. Now it's just sickening." He moved a piece of the wizard chess, winning the tenth game in a row against Peter.

"Don't you like your tissue bosoms?" Peter asked.

"No, it's not that. I've just been thinking, and I've discovered that all men are perverts, aren't they!" Sirius looked at his friends for a reaction. They stared on blankly.

"Are you admitting to your perversity?" Remus asked in surprise.

"No," Sirius dismissed. Remus rolled his eyes and turned his attention back to his book. "What I mean is, if you've got breasts, you're like shit surrounded by flies!"

"That's such an intellectual phrase," Remus commented monotonously.

"So," Peter began, mouth open if thoughtful confusion. "You're saying...you are...faeces?"

"No, you moron, I'm just saying, I feel pity for all the beautiful girls who get hit on all the time by disgusting pigs."

"Again, are you admitting your perversity?" Remus repeated.

"Shut up, Moony," Sirius said miserably, "you still haven't told us about your sitting with Snivellus."

Remus quickly went white and avoided eye contact. "You're an honest gentleman, Sirius Black," he made a false compliment; hoping flattery would distract his friend.

"Thanks, Moony! That's nice of you to sa-…hey!" he paused in realisation. "You're using that flatulence thing, aren't you!" he said crossly.

"I think you mean flattery," Remus corrected. "Flatulence is the gas in your intestines."

"I can definitely smell gas." Peter covered his nose, instinctively knowing that Sirius had probably passed wind.

"Well, you're definitely using that flattery thing to distract me!" Sirius said, annoyed.

"No I'm not," Remus denied. "You have pretty eyes, Padfoot."

"I know, I'm blessed aren't I, Moony. Um, what was I talking about again?"

Remus chuckled as his plan of changing the subject worked perfectly. He didn't even have to resort to sidetracking using every flavour jelly beans.

"So, Sirius, are you trying to say that when you do return to your body, you will be more of an English gentleman and stop being a pervert?" Remus asked hopefully.

"No way, mate." Remus rolled his eyes again. "I'd rather have that flatulence thing than stop being my charming self."

"Hey guys."

The boys looked up and saw Lily standing hesitantly before them, holding a school robe in her hand. Sirius cowered at her presence and swiftly cupped a hand over his crotch area.

"I'm not going to kick you again, Black," Lily mentioned. Sirius sighed with a relief. "But you better keep one eye open when you're sleeping," she warned him, smiling evilly. The startled boy whimpered in response. "Uh, Remus?" she called, looking in turn at the three boys as she waited for a confirmation on which boy was Remus Lupin.

"Yeah, Lily?" Remus answered, raising a hand to signify he was the bookworm on the left.

"Can I talk to you? In private," she emphasized.

Remus' mouth opened in a confounded 'o' shape. "Uh, sure."

He was confused, but nonetheless got to his feet and followed Lily a few feet away from the corner they had been sitting at. Sirius watched suspiciously, whilst Peter tried to eavesdrop in the conversation, trying to disguise himself by looking at the 'fascinating' ceiling.

"Uh, I just wanted to talk about last night," Lily explained, fidgeting nervously with her hair.

"Last...night?" Remus echoed.

"Yeah, at the Astronomy tower." Remus started on blankly. "Can you try and not discuss the conversation we had with anyone, especially you-know-who."

"Astronomy tower?" Remus repeated in bewilderment.

"Yes," Lily frowned at his lack of understanding what the hell she was on about. "I was going to give your robe back," she displayed the clothing in her hand, "but you're already wearing one," she said sceptically, examining Remus wearing his school robe. "I thought you said you only had one?"

"I'm sorry, what?" Remus said, clearly dazed.

"This is your robe, right?" She handed the clothing roughly into Remus' hand. He made another look of confusion and handed the robe back to her.

"Lily, I have no idea what you're talking about." He looked at her worriedly, wondering about her lack of sanity. "And that robe isn't mine."

Lily laughed. "But it has to-" she paused suddenly, then looked down at the school robe in her hand, finally spotting the name label on the inside collar. It read boldly: _Property of James Potter_.

"No…"

She dropped the robe to the floor and covered her gaping mouth with her hands.

Remus looked at her with slight distraught. "Lily, are you alright?"

"He lied to me," she whispered madly to herself. "He bloody lied to me!"

She roughly pushed past Remus and marched over to where Sirius and Peter sat. Not knowing which one was the real James Potter; she made a random hit and slapped the nearest one in the face.

"I'm Sirius," he murmured in pain, clutching his sore cheek.

"Oh," Lily said disappointedly, "sorry, Black."

She quickly swung and thumped the next James Potter look-a-like.

"I'm Peter," he squeaked, falling to his knees, holding two fingers to his bleeding nose.

"Sorry, Pettigrew," Lily apologized. She quickly ran over to the next Polyjuice-d boy and punched him in the eye.

"Third time unlucky, I'm afraid. You hit a Remus," he said sorely, clutching his bruised eye.

"Crap! Sorry Remus!" Lily swore.

"Hey, what's going on?" The real James said much too cheerfully in the sombre atmosphere. He stood at the front of the stairs with a curious expression, wondering why his friends seemed to be all injured, and also why Lily looked wrathfully angry.

"James?" Lily whispered, clenching her fists.

James' face brightened with delight. Lily Evans had called him by his first name and they would soon get married, have children and live in a mansion where they would do continuous violent shagging and-

"OW!" James shrieked, clutching his jaw that had abruptly been hit by Lily's fist. "Christ, give a guy some warning," he said bitterly. His anger then disappeared when he focused on Lily's upset face.

"You're a liar," Lily spoke fiercely, her eyes tear-filled. "And I hate you."

She pushed past James, colliding shoulders, and ran up the common room stairs. James stood, paralysed to the spot, his mouth gaping. He finally turned around to scream his apologies.

"Lily, I'm sorry!" He realised his pleading shouts were to no one.

"Yeah, say you're sorry after she's left the room. Idiot," Sirius smacked him on the back of the head. James was about to retaliate with swearing but gave up, falling to the common floor in a sitting position. He sighed, put a hand through his messy hair with his head in his hands.

"James, what did you do?" Remus demanded, thoroughly annoyed that James had somehow messed up the situation again.

"Mate, I thought you two were doing well! You said you hugged! Why is she annoyed at you again?" Sirius questioned.

Remus and Peter's mouths opened in surprise on the mention of hugging. "You hugged?" Peter spoke in awe.

"Not exactly," James mumbled, banging his head against the floor.

Sirius frowned. "What do you mean 'not exactly'?"

James sat in depressed silence and found his eyes wandering to the abandoned school robe on the floor. He reached over and picked the robe in his hand. He swore loudly when he read over the name label of, funnily enough, his name.

"Damn it! Stupid mother labelling clothes!" Angrily, James threw the robe in the air.

"Oof," Peter breathed, head attacked by the clothing. James made an unenthusiastic apology.

Sirius sat on the floor next to James, dragging a startling Remus with him. "C'mon, Prongs, tell us how you buggered things up."

"You're not being very sympathetic," Remus whispered to Sirius, lying uncomfortably on the floor. "You do know there are chairs in the common room?"

"I am feeling low, so I will be sitting low," James said. His friends inclined him to carry on. "Okay, I went to the Astronomy tower to-"

"Wallow in your self pity," Peter finished.

"Because you got Lily a flower which was totally poof-like!" Sirius added.

James glared at them both. "Alright, I'm not telling you guys." He folded his arms. "Piss off."

"We're only teasing you, Prongsie!" Sirius punched him lightly in the arm. "Do carry on."

James looked to Remus who was giving him an apologetic look for their immature behaviour; although, he knew that sympathetic look wouldn't last after he explained about his lying to Lily.

"Well, I was alone in the tower, and before I knew it, Lily came," James said, his face suddenly blissful as he remembered the moment she somehow beautifully startled him.

"What was she wearing, eh? Sexy lingerie? Something see through or more velvety?" Sirius questioned with excitement.

"Actually, she was wearing...a curtain, I think," James said, puzzled.

"Well, that's ruined my sexual fantasy-"

"Twat," James immediately shut him up, smacking him on the arm.

Remus made a loud cough. "Can we not discuss Lily's undergarments and focus on what exactly happened?"

James cringed and took on a grave face as he explained more. "Then she asked me...who I was..."

"Yeah, and you said you were James Potter. Then what?" Peter pressed.

James made a nervous chuckle. "Well, if I were intelligent, like you Moony," he inclined a head towards his werewolf friend, "then I would have said who I really was..."

"Oh you didn't," Remus scowled, shaking his head as he got to his feet, already knowing the answer from the clues of the conversation with Lily earlier. "Please say you didn't lie and told her you were me."

James smiled guiltily. "Twenty points to the werewolf." He pointed a finger at him on each hand.

Sirius suddenly burst into unexpected hysterical laughter, clutching his stomach with cackles. "Let me get this straight," he said in between breaths as James glowered at him. "You lied and said you were Moony. Then you and Lily hugged. But she wasn't actually hugging you; she was hugging Moony because that's who she thought you were? Blimey. Just when I thought The You and Lily Situation couldn't get any more messed up, it somehow did."

"You're being inconsiderate," James mentioned, banging his head at the floor, slightly causing a bump to his head.

"I am being honest and telling you the truth, not giving you false hopes - or even, false names. Or even, not lying and saying I'm Moony just to get a little snog-"

"Alright, I get your point!" James yelled.

"How did you convince Lily you were Remus anyway?" Peter asked curiously, currently stuffing a tissue up his nose which had stopped his nose bleeding predicament.

"I rambled on about that scientific bollocks," James explained, "y'know, that stuff Remus taught us on stars and stuff."

"To get birds to think you're intelligent," Sirius added. "Works every time," he tapped his nose mysteriously.

Remus sighed. "I taught you the knowledge on the development of stars and scientific facts as general knowledge and to broaden your minds, not to pick up girls."

"I'm sorry; I lost you on the words 'knowledge' blah blah 'development'."

Remus shook his head at Sirius, and then turned to James who looked like he'd been physically beaten to a pulp; which was partly true as Lily had hit his jaw, but Remus guessed he was suffering emotionally from Lily's hateful words.

"James, it's going to take a long time for her to forgive you," Remus predicted. James' face crumbled. "But _she will_ forgive you."

"She has to," Sirius added supportively.

James nodded and stood to his feet by using Sirius as a frame to push himself up.

"I'm going to bed," James announced in a depressed tone. He dragged himself up to his dorm making pitiful groans every five seconds. The remaining Marauders watched in pity.

"Do you really think Lily will forgive him?"

"No hope in hell," Sirius answered Peter, walking back to his original seat next to a game of Wizard chess, intending to win eleven games in a row against his rat friend.

"Teen angst is nauseating," Remus declared.

-----------------

"_La la la..._"

Peter paused outside the door of the dormitory and pressed his ear to the wooden surface. He could distinctively hear the sound of sluggish singing from inside.

"_La la.._ "

It had been a full ten minutes after James had retired to 'bed', so Peter ignored Remus' annoyed protests of leaving James alone and had come to give James some moral support, oherwise known as complimenting his physical and characteristic features, and kissing his arse in metaphorical terms.

"_La la la, la la..._"

Peter finally opened the door slowly, peeking behind the door to see James sitting on a blow up chair, wearing only his boxers.

"Prongs...?" Peter called with caution, still remaining at the door.

James looked up from staring at his glass cup of thick liquid and turned to Peter with a puzzled face. "Who'a you again?" He yawned, gesturing a finger at Peter.

"It's Wormtail."

James brightened. "Oh," he said with realisation, "it's you mister leprechaun!" He giggled girlishly and carried on sipping his drink, some of it dripping down his chin.

"You're sitting on Padfoot's blow up chair," Peter said fearfully, in fear because nobody except the oh-so-mighty-Sirius-Black sat in the blow up chair because Sirius was the King Of All Blow Up Chairs and also King Of The World, as so Sirius claimed.

"Oh yes," James replied again with realisation, looking down at the furniture he was sitting on as if he'd just seen it for the first time. "I do believe I am."

Peter cracked a nervous smile and hesitantly walked into the dorm, joining James on the floor by sitting on a mountain of dirty clothes.

"Er, have you been drinking Firewhiskey?" Peter asked, gazing at the liquid in his glass.

"Firewhiskey," James scoffed, "no, no, Mister leprechaun." Peter looked to his left and right, still confused on whether James was actually addressing to him. "Firewhiskey is for celebratory moments. This is not one of those moments."

"Celebratory moments?" Peter echoed.

"Yes, Mister leprechaun." Again, Peter looked around the room confusedly. "An example of a celebratory moment is a dance orgy to McGonagall getting it on with Dumbledy-dore."

"So, what would be this moment be?" Peter enquired.

James turned to look at him and fidgeted in his chair, nearly causing him to fall out of the blow up dingy in the process. "This would be a cough medicine moment." He smiled and raised his glass.

"Cough medicine moment?"

"Yes," James smiled. "I have discovered that if _you _drink _too _much cough medicine, you kind of get a little _high _and start seeing things." He stuck out his hand in front of his eyes and watched it distort in his vision. "Pretty colours," he commented.

"No way," Peter dismissed, but found the information truer as he watched James make odd faces and having conversations with the thin air. "You're lying. I don't believe you," he paused, "...can I have some?"

James grinned. "Yes, Mister Leprechaun. You may." He sluggishly handed his glass to Peter who eagerly drank the pink liquid, causing some to drip conveniently onto his trousers.

-------------

Sirius walked up the common room stairs and knocked on the dorm door. "What are you guys doing in there?" he whined, banging on the wooden surface. "You've been like half an hour. If I were anybody, I'd think you two were shagging, or something!"

He finally burst open the door and frowned at the scene before him.

"Get off my you chair, you wanker." Sirius said automatically, sulking at the sight of James sitting on his chair, which surface would only inhabit Sirius Black's bottom.

James shone a similarly drunken smile and put his hands in the air as if he were cheering. "Another Mister leprechaun!" he said jovially. Sirius frowned at him. "Mister Leprechaun, where is your pot of gold? And your rainbow?" James questioned, then pointed to the corner of the room with thrilled surprise. "Oh there it is! What pretty colours!"

"You've lost it, mate," Sirius replied in a slow tone for James to understand. He made a clear swirling singer pointing to his head.

Peter slothfully got to his feet and walked towards Sirius with his arms outstretched. Sirius not only minded this greatly, but the fact that Peter had a wet stain around his crotch was very unnerving.

"Hello little bunny!" Peter cooed, stumbling towards Sirius with bright eyes. "Aren't you cute and fluffy! Can I touch you tail?" Peter tried to make a grab for Sirius' arse but Sirius quickly pushed him away with much distaste.

"Get away from!" Sirius brushed off his clothes and then focused back on James who was giggling continuously. "Oi, Prongs, get off my chair," he ordered again.

James scowled. "I will get off your chair," he pointed a finger at him in a 'threatening' manner, "when I am finished!" he cried, and accidentally fell out of the chair with a mighty painful squeak of the material.

"Are you finished now?" Sirius smiled, looking at his friend flat against the floor.

"Yes. Yes, I am," James tried to muster with dignity.

Peter clutched his pillow, thinking it was a 'fluffy bunny' as he petted it.

"Okay," Sirius made a strange glance at Peter, "have you been drinking Firewhiskey?" he assumed.

"No, Mister Leprechaun, you are wrong! We drink cough medicine," James said, taking another gulp of the liquid.

Sirius laughed mockingly, "Cough medicine?"

"Yes," Peter answered. "If you drink lots, you see things. Pretty things. The bunnies are my friends."

Sirius ignored the bunnies comment and focused on the cough medicine. "Are you saying you can get high on medicine? That can't be true," he said in denial. "I think you're lying berks," he paused, "...can I have some?"

James nodded at the eager Sirius. "Yes, Mister Leprechaun...er, junior! You may drink the blessed potion."

----------------

"Guys?" Remus called, knocking on the dorm door lightly. "You aren't naked in there, are you?" He winced. "I tried to distract myself with reading but I missed all of your inconsistent whining," he spoke miserably.

His ear pressed against the door, hearing the sound of undying laughter, most probably due to one of his friends in pain after accidentally hurting themselves. Remus finally pushed open the door, discovering his fellow Marauders all dressed in their underwear.

"And then I said," Sirius wheezed with laughter at the near end of his joke, "you are a tangerine!" He started applauding himself whilst chuckling at the punch line, which only he understood as James and Peter gave him a puzzled look.

Remus forced a cough to get their attention. "Must you always wear minimal clothing? Is this another one of your underwear parties?" he said with distaste.

"Muh-hoony!" Sirius cheered, examining his friend from afar. "You are wearing too many clothes," he shook his disappointedly at him. "No nakedness, no dorm entry."

Remus stood in silence and glared, a full I-Will-Kick-Your-Arse-At-Full-moon Glare.

Sirius noticed the frightening glare.

"But, hey, since you're my Muh-hoony pal, you can be an exception!"

Remus did not make any gratitude for being an abnormality.

Sirius waved an encouraging hand to join him in his sitting. Remus narrowed his eyes at the sight of Sirius wearing some sort of cheesy and extremely tacky crown, similarly belonging to a six year olds dress up kit.

"I, King Of All Blow Up Chairs, request your company!"

Sirius patted the smallest minute space on the side of his chair which could occupy an ant.

"No thank you." Remus turned him down and then turned his gaze on James who was in deep conversation with his Quidditch broom.

"Lily? What are you doing here?" James murmured with a tone of passion, while he walked towards his broom which leant against the side of his bed. Of course, he was unaware that he was actually speaking to a broom, in his mind hallucinating he was in company with Lily Evans.

"You're sorry and you forgive me?" James carried on talking, eyes full of desire.

Remus looked deeply confused. "Prongs? What are you doi-"

"Oh, Lily! I knew you'd see sense one day! I love you too!" James cried, grabbing the Quidditch broom and squeezing it against his chest.

"I'm afraid to ask." Remus looked at Sirius for some sort of an explanation and frowned when he saw him making squeezing hands in the air.

"Muh-hoony," Sirius called, squeezing his hands at different points of the air. "All I see are boobs," Sirius made another pinch in the atmosphere, "boobs everywhere," he whispered with delight.

"What?"

"Oh my God!" Sirius shrieked suddenly, pointing at Remus' head. "Even your head is one! Your head is a breast! A _breast_!"

Remus didn't like to be pointed at. Pointing is rude. He also disliked his head being described as a bosom.

"I'll have you know, that my head is not-"

Sirius interrupted him with ecstatic laughter. "The breast is talking! _Talking_!" He snorted, collapsing back on his blow up chair.

Remus decided that Sirius was a hopeless case, so instead tried to talk to Peter who looked the most normal, if you called normal stroking a pillow whilst soothing it like a loving pet.

"Have you been drinking alcohol?" Remus asked bluntly, trying to pry the pillow away from Peter's fingers. Peter made a possessive squeak and clutched the pillow closer to himself. "I thought I hid the last stash of Firewhiskey."

Sirius giggled. "If you're talking about the secret," he said the word 'secret' with obnoxious air quotes, "stash of Firewhiskey that was hidden under your bed, hidden by an illusion charm and inside a small, wooden chest, locked by the password 'chocolate frogs', then I'd like to mention that particular alcohol was drunk two months ago."

Remus gaped and was somewhat annoyed that his precautions in hiding his alcohol from his friends had been discovered two months ago when he stashed it away rather securely.

"Al-co-hol?" James echoed slowly, finally paying attention, still holding his quidditch broom in his arms as if it were a real person. "No, no. We have drunk cough medicine."

"Cough...medicine?" Remus repeated, confused yet a little amused. "You mean to say you're acting all delusional because you drank _cough medicine_?"

Peter confirmed with a nodding head, bulging eyes and a manic smile.

"That's absurd," said Remus. "You cannot get deliriously high on cough medicine. It's unorthodox."

James walked towards him and patted him on the back, holding his broom 'Lily Evans' and patting with his hand currently full of the glass of liquid, causing a lot of spilling and mess.

"Muh-hoony," James had caught on Sirius' abbreviation of the nickname, "you're a smarty pants. You should know what potions and medicines do. But," James paused, smiling wickedly. "If you don't think it makes you high, prove it. Drink some."

James shook the drink animatedly in front of Remus' un-amused eyes before Remus finally snapped and grabbed the glass from him.

"Fine," Remus said shortly, "I will drink the medicine and I will be right," he smiled smugly, "and you will be proven wrong."

Ten minutes later, Remus sat on his bed, feeling heavy and slothful.

"I hate it when you're right, Prongs," Remus said bitterly, wiping the remains of cough medicine around his mouth. He had drunk the right amount of medicine to be come delusional and was now seeing ungodly things.

"Ha, you must be hateful all the time, then." James replied grinning, his arm wrapped around the invisible shoulder of Lily Evans whilst lying on the floor.

"So many boobs, so little time," Sirius spoke blissfully, still squeezing the imaginary bosoms that floated in the air.

"I see dead people," Remus said suddenly, looking very disturbed by what he was seeing and also by how odd the words he spoke must have sounded.

James looked worried, although still in his euphoric state. "What?"

Remus squinted and rubbed his eyes. "Seriously, I see dead people - dead historical figures, to be exact."

Remus sat in minor amusement, watching his illusions of dead figures pondering around the room. "King Henry the eighth is currently testing how firm your mattress is, Padfoot." Remus explained, pointing to his image of the fat Henry bouncing on Sirius' bed whilst chewing openly on Droobles Best Blowing Gum, making permanent bubbles fill up the room.

"That obese bloke with the six wives?" Sirius questioned.

"Yes," Remus confirmed. "And Gandhi is going through your wardrobe, Wormtail," he clarified, tilting his head towards his delusion of the diseased leader Ghandi wearing not much clothing, but humorously searching through Peter's garments for something suitable to cover himself up. So far, he liked one of Peter's knitted bobble hats which was snugly resting on his head.

"And also, Cleopatra is making fun of your pyjamas, Prongs." Remus waved to the beautiful Egyptian queen who was laughing as she held an embarrassing pair of teddy bear pyjamas in her hands.

"Not the one with the teddies?"

"Yes," Remus answered James.

"Even the dead mock me…."

"Well, isn't that typical," Sirius remarked, rolling his eyes. Remus shone a look of confusion. "Even when you're high, Moony, you see intelligent things." He wagged a finger. "Prongs see's Lily-silly-billy. Wormtail sees bunnies. I see boobs. And what do you see? _Historical figures_."

"Cleopatra says you need a haircut," Remus informed Sirius, waving again at the black-haired queen.

Sirius looked highly affronted, stroking his ebony hair that did seem to be getting ridiculously long these days. "The more hair you have, the more of a man you are!" he tried to excuse himself.

"Does that include your hairy arse, Padfoot?" James laughed.

"Shut up, you broom humper."

James' mouth opened in indignation. "We'll have none of that in front of Lily, thank you very much!" He closed his hands over the ears of his imaginary Lily girlfriend.

"Cleopatra also says hairy arses are very unattractive. Especially in Summer," Remus mentioned. Sirius was getting very annoyed by Remus insulting him through comments of people who weren't even alive and were conjured in his high and intelligent mind.

"Well, er, I," Sirius fumbled, trying to conjure up a snappy retort. "Uh...King Henry the eighth says you need to lose weight!" He smiled with satisfaction at his comeback, then realised what he'd just said. "Well, not that he's one to give advice on weight issues..."

The boys sat in silence before each bursting into laughter.

"You realise we are laughing at you, not with you, right Padfoot?" James asked.

"Yeah," Sirius carried on chuckling on the verge of tears, "but it's still funny," he sniffed.

James would have carried on laughing but he abruptly blacked out with his head in his own lap, a very uncomfortable position that would definitely hurt in the morning.

----------

At daybreak, James woke up in his own bed with his glasses still perched on his nose and his arm wrapped possessively around his quidditch broom. Cringing confusedly at why he slept in his bed with his broom, he realised that Lily Evans hadn't really apologized for being a bitchy, stubborn redhead and hadn't declared his love for him.

"Bollocks."

As he found the rest of the dormitory to be empty, he made a quick check over his body to see if he had all his body parts and physical features, just in case his Marauders had decided to do some early pranking for his lie-in.

"Two eyebrows, ten fingers, ten toes," James listed in counting. He felt over his backside. "No tail," he spoke in surprise. "Wow, that's lucky."

Then suddenly a naked James Potter look-a-like jumped out from the bottom of his bed on all fours.

"AAARGH!" James screamed, jumping out of bed and knocking his head on one of the bedposts. Clutching his painful forehead, he tried shielding his eyes from the naked boy, although he'd seen pretty much everything on him considering that it was his exact body.

"PADFOOT!" James yelled, assuming the naked boy was Sirius Black underneath being a stupid prick as usual. "I don't want to see myself naked in the morning, you bloody turd! Put some clothes in!"

The duplicate stared at him, slightly startled at the shouting and was standing with his head tilting to one side in bewilderment. This only made James madder.

"Sirius! Cover me—I mean, _yourself_ up!" James grabbed his school robe and threw it at him for the boy to catch. The robe hit the nude boy in the stomach and simply fell at his feet. The duplicate stared on confusedly.

"Are you bloody smashed or something?" James asked savagely and marched over to the supposed Sirius, picking up the robe and putting his arms through the sleeve arms.

"Stop fidgeting!" James yelled, frowning at his wannabe that was jerking his elbows and making a strange hiss whilst trying to claw him with his paws -which would have worked if he had sharp nails, which he did not. James finally managed to get the robe on him and tied the belt around his stomach.

"I thought the Polyjuice potion was only supposed to last twenty four hours? Bugger! I can't believe it hasn't worn off already, Sirius." James made a glance at his friend who was following with crossed eyes a fly that was buzzing circles in the air.

"Okay..." James pushed his weird behavior aside. "I'm just gonna have a shower. I won't be long, just wait for me here. Then I suppose we'll have to go see Madam Pomfrey to get you back to your own body. She must have a cure, or something."

The James Potter duplicate scratched behind his ear.

"Oh yeah, do Moony and Wormtail still look like me?" James questioned.

The James Potter duplicate blinked and scratched his other ear.

"Sirius! Are you even listening to me?" The look-a-like stared on, oblivious. "Padfoot! Oi, sleepy head!" James suddenly clapped his hands to get his friend's attention.

The James Potter copy jumped in fear at the sudden sound of the clap, made an odd squeal that sounded a lot like the sound "mrrreeeooow" and scrambled on all fours, hiding in the corner of the room for safety.

"Christ, Padfoot!" James shrieked at him. "What the hell is wrong with you this morning? You're acting more retarded then usual."

The identical Potter tried to make another grab for the buzzing fly with his hand.

James sighed, rolling his eyes. "I need a wash," he announced tiredly. He spotted his friend licking his hands clean with his tongue. "You better have a wash after too, Padfoot," he frowned.

Ten minutes later after some heavy hair conditioning, as James hair thoroughly needed it due to his recently gum tresses, he walked out of the bathroom with a towel around his waist. He was not only annoyed that his Potter look-a-like had not waited for him and had disappeared, but was also startled by a boy storming into the dorm, shaking his shoulders hysterically.

"SHIT!" The boy screamed in James' face.

"Nice to see you too, Frank," James replied, trying to remain calm whilst holding the towel around his waist that was slowly slipping, not wanting to suddenly strip in front of the Longbottom boy who looked distressed enough. James made a glance at Frank's appearance, noticing his hair in disarray and that his clothes that were unusually untidy, missing a few buttons whilst doing up his shirt and his trousers that were back to front.

"What's up, Frank?" James asked politely once Frank stopped with the shaking.

"Have you seen a cat?"

"A cat?" James echoed. "No. Why? Should I be seeing a cat?"

Frank groaned, clearly disappointedly by James' answer. "Shit, arse, bugger, crap." He noticed James' confused look. "I've lost my girlfriend's cat," he clarified.

"Your girlfriend's...cat? You mean Alice's?" James remembered the girl that had took a shine for him recently.

"Yeah," Frank confirmed. "She's going to crucify me."

"I don't think crucifying is allowed in Hogwarts-" James began to say. "How did you lose the cat anyways?"

Frank sighed in preparation for the story-telling. "Well, I was snogging Alice in the tower-"

"Spare me the details on that," James interrupted miserably, not wanting to hear about the couple's love-shacking when his love life was non-existent.

"Yeah, sorry," Frank apologized, knowing James' infamous failing relationship. "Anyway, before I knew it, the fur ball attacked me and scratched my face." He pointed to the deep, blooded cat scratches that were scarred on his cheek.

"Yeah, was gonna ask about that," James mentioned.

"So," Frank said, getting angrier by the second the more he retold the story, remembering the evil cat which was like a girl on permanent PMS. "I was well angry - fuming, in fact! So I told the cat to bugger off, and now it's gone." He threw up his hands.

James pressed a finger to his chin in thought. "Well, it's not really your thought," he defended him. "Merely a coincidence it decided to go bugger off. It just took your heeding advice - or wishful thinking, shall I say," he smiled.

Frank gave him a slight grin, but still remained in his panicked state. "Alice is going to kill me. Stupid animals," he referred to cats. "I hate cats; they give me the shivers. Pointy ears, the tail - doesn't that make you think of the devil?"

James chuckled. "A feline devil? Uh…sure. Why don't you check the Owlery? Maybe it's looking for breakfast." he suggested, guessing the cat might have an appetite for the birds, and sincerely hoped his owl wasn't on the cat's menu.

"Good thinking!" Frank congratulated him, patting him on the shoulder in gratitude. "See you later, James."

"Oh yeah," James remembered, stopping Frank before he exited. "Have you seen Si-, I mean, Penelope? She was supposed to wait for me."

"Er," Frank paused in thinking. "You mean that foreign student with the big breasts?" James nodded grudgingly. "Nope, sorry, can't say I have."

"Never mind," James sighed. "See you, Frank," he waved goodbye to the boy who sprinted down the stairs.

James ran a hand through his messy hair and walked over to his bed, not before walking in a slippery liquid and falling with a slam to the floor.

"Christ!" James swore loudly, looking at the Polyjuice potion that had been knocked over from the small caldron, the mess which his foot had slipped in. "I thought I told Padfoot to clean that up already..."

He pointed his wand at the potion, muttering an _evanesco_, and kicked the empty cauldron under his bed, along with six years worth of junk that had already fossilised underneath.


	9. Whiskers the Feline Devil

**Chapter 9**

After cleaning up the Polyjuice potion, James exited the boys' dorm and strolled into the Great hall, joining a seat at the bench of the Gryffindor table. He was in utter astonishment that his fellow Marauders were all back to their own bodies.

"Padfoot! You're you again," James spoke in delighted bewilderment, poking Sirius in the arm.

Sirius gave him a disturbed look in return. "Well, duh," he said lamely.

"I thought the potion effects were still going…Did the Polyjuice potion wear off whilst I was in the shower?"

Sirius furrowed his eyebrows at James. "Well, I woke up like this. It must've worn off eventually."

James looked confused at Sirius' words, but simply thought it was just Sirius getting his information wrong as usual and must have banged his head on something.

James nudged Remus with his elbow. "Glad to be back in your own body, Moony?"

"I cannot contain my excitement," Remus spoke tonelessly, chewing on a bagel while he kept his eyes down reading the Daily Prophet.

James turned his gaze on Peter who was eating porridge. "Hey, Wormtail," James patted him on the back, causing Peter's spoonful of porridge to miss his mouth and land in his eye. "Oops, sorry." He quickly changed the subject. "The Polyjuice potion didn't last long on you. Bet you're glad, right?"

Peter squinted with his painful eye and gave him the thumbs up confirmation, although really inside he was seething because he was now Peter Pettigrew and not James Potter who everybody loved.

"By the way, it seems as if cough medicine is on Filch's list of forbidden objects," Remus mentioned, glancing over his paper.

Sirius spat out his pumpkin juice - sadly over Remus' reading material.

"_What?_"

"Don't ask me how. Word must have got around about our antics last night." Remus wiped the droplets of juice that was staining and blurring the words of a possible interesting article that could have occupied him for the next five minutes.

"What happens if somebody has a cough, then?" Peter said worriedly, clutching his neck which suddenly felt tight and scratchy. "What will we do? Where will we go? What will happen?" he shrieked.

A boy sitting to the right of Peter suddenly made a spitting cough, making him squeal in horror.

"Then Hogwarts will be filled with rabid coughing spitters," Sirius said cheerfully. "Stupid Filch. He really needs a woman." He munched on a piece of toast, purposely not eating the crusts and flinging them at James who regrettably had sat across him.

"I take it you're back to your usual self, Padfoot," James commented, flinching as a piece of crust was flung at his nose. "You were acting really weird this morning. How come you didn't wait for me?"

Sirius stopped his crust throwing and smiled in amusement. "Well, considering you _didn't_ tell me to wait for you - that might be a great factor on the not waiting for you."

"What?" James looked puzzled. "I told you before I had a shower, you pillock, before you were giving yourself a saliva licking." He shuddered, remembering Sirius licking his hands.

"That's unhygienic," Remus commented, still keeping his eyes on his paper.

Sirius' mouth opened in confusion. "What are you on about, mate? I never even saw you this morning!"

James didn't understand the conversation at all; he knew he hadn't hallucinated seeing the stripped James Potter look-a-like in front of his bed because all the cough medicine had gone. Plus, he had a bump on his head to prove his reaction to seeing a duplicate of him completely stalkers.

"But-"

"Hey, what's Frank doing?" Peter interrupted James, pointing to the Longbottom boy disturbing people eating breakfast. Frank was busy interrogating them about his girlfriend's still missing devil cat. A frightened second year was sobbing as Frank seemed furious at her for not knowing where the feline was.

"Oh, Frank," James sighed, unfortunately forgetting the subject on whether he saw Sirius or not in their dorm. "I talked to him earlier. Poor bloke. He's only gone and lost Alice's cat."

Sirius grimaced, also forgetting the argument with James. "Oh, not that fur ball that wanders off around the dorms. I'm sure that cat ate the last of my ice mice," he complained bitterly.

Remus also sighed. "He's been going round screaming that cat's name all morning."

"What's its name-?"

"WHISKERS!" Frank yelled, running out of the Great hall with his arms wailing in the air. "WHERE ARE YOU, YOU BLOODY FELINE DEVIL! WHISKERS!"

The Marauders laughed, shaking their heads at such a scene.

--------------------

"Well, this day has been ridiculously bland."

The four boys were on their way back to their common room after having dinner. Sirius was now sulking at the lack of abnormal events happening and was declaring the day as The Most Boring Day Ever.

"I thought Frank strangling Snape because he thought he'd stolen Whiskers was amusing." Remus couldn't help but chuckle. He especially liked Snape going through any type of torture or pain after Severus's sudden flirting disease.

"That was amusing for around five minutes," Sirius commented.

James smiled as he remembered his Longbottom friend's fingers around the greasy haired Snape's neck. "Why did Frank think Snivellus stole Whiskers?" he asked curiously.

"Frank thought he smelt like cat hair," Peter explained, making a sniff of the air.

James snorted, "Cat hair smells?"

Sirius nodded his head eagerly in response. "Of course it does!" he protested. "It smells kind of musky, a bit like the dust you get in old books," Sirius looked at Remus who he thought knew the smell of books especially, "with a tint of freshly mown grass," he added, very oddly.

James grimaced at him. "What have you been doing? Sniffing cat's butts?"

"That cat pounced on me, alright!" Sirius yelled frenziedly, putting his hands up in defence. The boys sent him strange looks.

"What are you talking about, Padfoot?" Remus queried.

Sirius gave a nervous chuckle and tucked his black hair behind his ears. "Uh, nothing! I didn't say anything." He turned a noticeable red tint.

"Really though, this day has been so uneventful. I'm actually quite worried," Remus looked around in a paranoid state, expecting something to pounce out behind a corner. He jumped when Sirius tugged his collar from behind, making him jump at least six foot in the air.

"Sorry, couldn't resist." Sirius laughed, noticing Remus' on edge state. "Nothing weird has happened, though, except for people pointing at Prongs, whispering and laughing about him behind his back…"

James stopped in his tracks and looked at Sirius with indignation. "People have been laughing at me behind my back?" He repeated madly. "Why was I not informed of this? How come I didn't know?"

"Great emphasis on the words 'behind your back', James," Remus pointed out.

James pulled a childish face at him, including crossed eyes, a sticking out tongue and a pushed up pigs nose.

"I never saw anyone pointing, whispering, or laughing behind your back," Peter told James loyally, although he was lying and had even made a count of the number of classmates who had mocked him without his notice. "But if I had seen one, then I would have knocked them out!" Peter shadowboxed, punching the air at the imaginary person.

James collapsed into hysterical laughter and Peter looked a little hurt at his reaction. "Sure you would've, Wormtail," James patted Peter on the shoulder, "I appreciate the support, though."

The boys finally finished their teasing banter as they stopped outside the portrait of the Fat Lady. She raised an eyebrow as she smirked at James.

"Glad to see you've got more clothes on, young man," she tilted her head in a sly manner.

The boys instantly looked at James who had a look of flustered horror. "W-what?" James quivered.

The Fat Lady was about to reply but shut her mouth, gasping as she looked at something behind the boys. The portrait looked at James, then at the person behind him, again gasping dramatically. The boys knew whatever was behind them would not be good.

"I don't want to turn around," Remus said bitterly, but nonetheless swivelled around, with the boys doing the same.

"Meeow?" The James Potter duplicate growled, standing with its hand crooked in a defensive pose.

"Huh?"

James was extremely glad the twin was not naked, but squirmed when he noticed the robe around the wannabe was loose and looked as if it would fall of within a few steps.

"Hey!" Sirius waved to the James Potter twin, then stopped abruptly when he realised there was also a James Potter standing next to him as well. "Hey, what the-" Sirius paused confusedly, pointing to the real James Potter next to him. He pointed back and forth between the James Potter's, arms outstretched and fingers sticking out wildly, until it made him dizzy and collapsed in heap to the floor. "My brain hurts…"

"Who are you?" Peter asked the Potter twin in confusion, but didn't want to seem intimidating in case the person underneath the body was somebody who could beat him to a pulp.

The boy in the robe, unfortunately naked underneath, gave Peter a blank look, and then stared licking his hands with his tongue.

"Who the hell are y-" James began to echo furiously but was interrupted by a distant shout along the corridors.

"WHISKERS! WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU? When I get a hold of you, I'm going to rip off all your fur and use it to cover my cushions!"

The eyes on the Potter copy widened in fear.

This was finally the point when James realised where Whiskers was.

James gaped. "_Oh, no_..."

Whiskers in James' body made an exiting hiss. Falling to the floor on all fours, Whiskers sprinted down the corridor in the opposite direction of Frank's shrieks; most horrifically flashing his James Potter arse as the robe lifted in the air as he ran.

"That was strange...on so many levels," Remus commented.

Sirius, who was sitting on the floor in bemusement, suddenly stood to his feet with a face of realisation. "Hey! There were two James'! And one of them wasn't one of us!" He pointed to himself, Remus and Peter.

Remus rolled his eyes. "Bit of a delayed reaction there, Padfoot," he said humorously. He turned his attention to James who looked as if he were stupefied in a standing position; his face blank and unreadable. "You're taking this surprisingly well."

After a few minutes, James finally answered with a whispering "Inside...I'm screaming."

"Oh," Peter joined in the conversation unhelpfully. "That's not good," he noted on James' inner horror.

Sirius gasped excitedly, shaking with thrill because he'd figured what was going on. "Whiskers is-" he began with eager.

"In a James Potter body," Remus finished for him. "Yes. We know."

James groaned - a groan of most probably teen angst. "Oh, _hell no_! This is not happening!" He tugged at his hair. "We have to go after that bloody cat!" He suddenly took leader mode; funnily enough, making a pose of a super hero addressing his sidekicks.

"I need a cape..." James added the mutter thoughtfully. Remus gave him an exasperated look.

"Ooo," Sirius cooed. "A cat hunt! This shall be fun. We can have t-shirts!"

"Fushia t-shirts!" Peter added, smiling eagerly.

"And nets!-"

"There will be no shirts or nets," James said sternly. Sirius and Peter sulked.

Remus raised a hand to his chin in thought. "It all makes sense now…the people pointing and laughing at you, Prongs. They probably saw Whiskers moments before." James gave him an annoyed look that told him that he did not need anymore explaining on how much people has been making fun of him behind his back. Of course, Remus was unnaturally oblivious to it. "And you said before, Prongs, that you'd seen Sirius in your dorm before breakfast when Sirius has no recollection of it."

"Have you finished unearthing clues, Sherlock Holmes?" Sirius yawned. "I'm not getting any younger, y'know."

The others couldn't really comprehend why Sirius was complaining that he was getting old since he was such an aggravating sixteen year old.

James groaned with frustration. "C'mon!" he shouted urgently, trying to motivate his friends. "We've got to find that bloody cat before he makes even more of an arse of me!"

"Shouldn't be too hard of a job... "

James head snapped and turned to glare at the Gryffindor Tower entrance. The Portrait of the Fat Lady gave an innocent smile and blamed the remark on the painting next to her.

"Look, Prongs," Remus said steadily, trying to calm his rational friend down. "Sirius, Peter and I will go and look for Whiskers. You should stay in the dorm so nobody sees you. It's bad enough that there's been two James Potter's going around Hogwarts."

James gritted his teeth furiously at being told what to do. "No way!" He refused. "I am not being not being involved." He paused confusedly as he mixed up his words. "I'm being not involved." He tried to correct himself, but failed again. "I'm not...involved...being..."

"You don't want to be uninvolved?" Remus assumed.

James raised a finger in confirmation. "That's the one!"

"But-"

"I know!" James said triumphantly. "I'll go get my invisibility cloak! Then I won't be seen whilst I try find the fur ball, will I?" He raised his eyebrows suggestively at Remus. Remus finally nodded, not seeing how he could get his way out of this one. "You guys go ahead," James shooed them, pushing them down the corridor. "I'll go get the cloak and catch you guys up!"

"But James," Peter started, but sighed when the boy had already ran off, muttering the password quickly to the confused Fat Lady and storming into the common room without a hence thought.

"C'mon Wormtail," Sirius pressed, dragging him by the ear. "When that cat's away," he smiled, "the mice will play."

Peter took interest at his use of a cat proverb and countered it by saying:

"Curiosity killed the cat."

"A cat in gloves catches no mice." Sirius tapped his nose mysteriously.

"There are more ways of killing a cat than choking it with cream," Peter replied in proverb.

"The cat would eat fish, but would not wet her feet!"

"Keep no more cats than will-"

"ALRIGHT!" Remus screamed. "I get the point. There are A LOT of bloody cat proverbs! Now shut up," he ordered, warning his friends with a frightful gaze to not open their mouths. "One of you talks and I curse you," he said drastically.

The three boys carried walked on in silence.

"Grinning like a Cheshire-"

"_Silencio_."

----------------

James sprinted down the common room stairs, his hand clutched tightly around his cloak and his mind unfortunately working with stubborn recklessness. Jogging across the common room, in his utter clumsiness, he accidentally tumbled into a mountain of red hair. Finally focusing his eyes, he discovered an annoyed Lily Evans standing before him with her hands on her hips.

"L-lily?" James stammered, instantly feeling his stomach entering a gymnastics competition, highly unskilled.

"Look, Potter," Lily spoke dangerously, her face just about steaming. "I don't know what your problem is, but I don't like to be hissed at!"

James cringed; realising that Whiskers must had unhappily bumped into her earlier.

"Look, I'm really sorry, Lily," James said hurriedly, already stepping around her and making his way towards the exit. He wished it was closer as Lily's raging eyes were glaring a hole in his head. "I've got to go! I'll see you later!" he called, waving a hand nervously as he made his departure.

Lily gaped at him as he exited.

"Potter!" She screamed after him. "Potter, get back here!" Completely furious that she was being pushed aside, she determinedly raced out of the common room to follow him. Unluckily, she bumped into an agitated Frank Longottom.

"Sorry, Frank," she apologized, looking down the corridor. She cursed to herself when she couldn't see James, although he had already marched off and was hidden under the cloak invisible for her to notice anyway. "Have you seen Ja—Potter?" she quickly corrected herself.

"Uh, no, no..." Frank shook his head, and then looked suddenly delighted that he was seeing her for the first time that day. "Have you seen a cat?" he asked predictably, hoping the answer to be a yes and possibly a fixed destination on its whereabouts.

Lily frowned at the odd question. "Er, no. Why? Should I be seeing a cat?" She echoed James' words.

Frank somehow looked even more pathetically mournful, clutching at his neck as if to strangle himself and endure a public suicide.

"I lost Alice's cat," Frank whimpered. Lily winced, knowing Alice would throw a hissy-fit once she discovered her cat was missing. If the cat was lost for good, this conversation with Frank would probably be her last as she would certainly read an article in the Daily Prophet the next morning on Frank's shocking homicide.

"You look stressed," Lily pointed out the obvious, aware that the boy's appearance looked a little shabby. Frank's eyes had a hellish fire at the mention of the deadly word 'stressed'.

"STRESSED? I AM NOT STRESSED!" Frank shrieked, words spitting. "If I weren't STRESSED, I'd get STRESSED by everyone telling me that I'm STRESSED!"

Lily cowered and replied with an uncertain, "uhuh". Frank gave her an apologetic look before cradling his head in his hands, but almost suddenly, he peeked between his fingers.

"Lily?" Frank chuckled nervously. "You wouldn't do me the teensiest of favours, would you?" Lily remained blank. "Help me find Whiskers…please?"

Sadly, Lily couldn't help but feel sympathy for Frank and knew she had to help the bloke, and basically, she was a pushover. Not being able to stand Frank's puppy dog eyes any longer, she sighed.

"Alright, alright. I'll help you—_aaah_!" Lily shrieked suddenly. She was being pulled along by Frank who was already sprinting down the corridor, searching around wildly for the lost pet.

"Just keep your eyes open and shout his name!" Frank recommended, cupping his hands over his mouth. "WHISKERS!" he shouted. He made silly kissy noises with his mouth, the sound made by all cat owners that apparently captivated cats to come towards them. "C'mon, Lily, join in," he encouraged her.

Lily gave him a frown, but eventually pouted her lips, making a slight puckering noise sounding oddly like a fish. A third year asked her if she needed to go the Hospital wing, making her abandon her attempts of the cat luring sound.

"Lily, you have to keep shouting the cat's name so it knows where we are and it can come back to us," Frank explained. Lily couldn't help but feel that the cat must be running away from the name-shrieking.

"WHISKERS!" Frank shouted, making Lily cover her bursting ear drum. He gave her a pressing look to take part in the uproar.

Lily looked nervous, glimpsing around the corridor; noticing students had stopped and were standing in silence as if waiting for her to shout her heart out. She made a furious glare at a girl who had started an encouraging clap, slowly getting faster, as if she were at Glastonbury and about to perform to thousands of people.

"W-whiskers!" Lily called embarrassingly, slightly higher than the normal speaking pitch. Frank gave her a parental disappointed look, forcing guilt upon her. "Whiskers!" Lily called more strongly, cupping her hands around her mouth so far that she had hid her face in them.

"That'll do, I suppose," Frank said. "But you need practice."

------------------

"This is bloody ridiculous!" Sirius shrieked, collapsing against a corridor wall to regain his breath. Remus had eventually taken off the silencing spell as he'd been annoying him by mouthing swear words mutely; not that Remus could hear the swearing, but he could guess from Sirius' blazing face.

"That cat is too fast!" Sirius complained. "Even in James' body he runs fast!" he said, as though running in James' lanky body was simply incomprehensible.

"We don't seem to making any progress," Remus added.

"And we still...haven't met up with James," Peter said, clutching his stomach as he wheezed.

Sirius had a sudden dangerous glint in his eye. "I say," he growled, "we just a gun and shoot the damn thing!" He made a shooting gun gesture with the fingers of his hands.

Remus rolled his eyes and tiredly pressed a hand to his forehead. "Oh yes, Padfoot," he started dryly, "let's just get a shotgun, something that we don't have by the way, and shoot Whiskers that looks like James, in front of the entire school body."

Sirius didn't find anything wrong with the plan. "Hell yeah!"

"Which way did Whiskers go?" Peter said, looking around. Remus joined him in the frantic gazing and swore.

"We lost him." Remus stomped a foot to the floor.

"No we haven't, Moony," Sirius reassured him calmly. "All we have to do is follow the—"

"_AAAAH_!" A distant scream cut in.

"—screaming," Sirius finished, following Remus and Peter as they speeded towards the shouting.

--------------------

Wildly, James stormed down another corridor, his invisibility cloak tugged over him as he searched for his friends and the devil feline; so far he had not bumped into either one of those but very confused people instead.

"Bugger," James swore, colliding with a first year who flew in the air once he'd bumped into James, as if he were shot out of a cannon. Hurriedly, James placed the boy to his feet, who by now was so frightened that he'd been picked up by the thin air that he was wailing as if he were in a horror film. James rolled his eyes, leaving the small boy to be comforted by a busty seventh year.

"Crapcrapcrapcrap," James cursed under his breath, running in his distressed state.

The more he ran the more he was getting panicked about Whisker's antics. It was bad enough that his three friends had turned in to him, but a cat running around in his body? James could hear the alarm in his head ringing for _Mental Overload_.

As James was lost in his thoughts as he was jogging down a staircase, his foot got lodged in the trick step that had tricked so many before him, and so many in the future. Yelping at the unexpected fortune of his foot being caught, he couldn't keep his balance and landed forward on the staircase with his head smacked painfully against a step.

"Bloody...typical," mumbled James.

Unfortunately in his fall, his cloak had slightly tugged up and was revealing his feet.

"Oh MERLIN! Feet….FEET!"

James eyes' widened in horror. He tugged the cloak quickly over his feet and breathed a sigh of relief as his trainers disappeared from sight. Watching silently, he grimaced as a couple were in the middle of climbing up the staircase; the girl's face full of confusion as her boyfriend was worried of her sanity.

"Feet! I saw feet!" the girl repeated, pointing at the steps where James lay. The boy looked at her girlfriend with an odd gaze and couldn't help but laugh.

"Yeah, sure Bella," the boy teased. "There were feet suspending in mid air!" he said dramatically as he raised his hands above him. "Floating feet from The Gods! In fact, dancing floating feet! There were just these hovering feet and—Bella? Bella, where are you going?" the boy asked, watching his girlfriend turn on her heel in a definite huff.

"This is tragic," James declared, his voice echoing in the silence. "A handsome, stubborn, glory-filled hero dies on the staircase after being cheated by the dastardly trick step! Oh woe is me...woe is me..."

As James was about to abandon fidgeting as he tried helplessly to tug his foot from the step that had eaten his foot, his eyes widened as he heard the familiar voices of his friends.

"I told you already, Moony. This is a shortcut. It skips at least two floors."

"Yes, yes, I know. Stop bragging that you know about it," Remus snapped as he lead his friends, jumping down the steps; fortunately missing James as he made a perfect leap on purpose to avoid the trick step.

James brightened at their appearance. "Guys, help me!" he yelped, his voice slightly muffled by the step that was plumped against his cheek.

Remus paused, his head moving to the complete opposite direction where the voice was coming from.

"Prongs?" Sirius called in bewilderment. "Prongsie-"

"Sirius, watch out for the trick step," Peter warned, unfortunately too late.

Sirius yelped as he tripped over James' lolled out body, tumbling down the staircase and knocking into Remus and Peter in the process.

With slight amusement, James watched his friends tumble into each other, now laying in a mess of limbs and hair at the bottom of the staircase.

"What. The. Hell." Sirius tried to detangle himself from Peter's legs. "I know that was probably all you fault, Prongsie!" He searched around, expecting James to suddenly reveal himself behind a secret door or shining knight of armour. "Where are you, you tosser!"

"I'm guessing that you tripped over him," Remus assumed, getting to his feet.

"We tripped over James?" Peter said confusedly. "But I don't see him."

Sirius smacked him on the back of the head. "The cloak, you twat," he reminded Peter, not so subtly.

The boys trudged up the staircase to where the trick step was, where Sirius' foot promptly connected with James' head. They both swore loudly as they equally endured pain. Remus, in a swift motion, felt for where the invisibility cloak was and pulled it off James.

"Hello there," James waved a hand, sprawled on the tilt of the stairs like a rug. Remus glances at James' foot that was locked in the trick step and sighed. "When I remember and get a hold of moving my legs again, I'm going to kick you," James warned Sirius, consequently for smacking him in the face moments before.

"Honestly, Prongs, falling for the trick step? I'm disappointed in you."

"You fell in it too, Padfoot," Peter reminded him. Sirius smiled ludicrously.

"At least we bumped into you." Remus added, "Literally."

James tried nodding along but couldn't as he was currently suffering foot pain.

"Little help, please?"

The boys pulled him by the arms -Sirius amusedly by James' hair- and tugged his foot out of the step with much great moans of strength.

"Right!" James dusted himself off, taking the cloak from Remus' hands. He made a breath of determination before pulling the cloak over him as the boys walked down the staircase. The boys looked at James warily, watching as he broke into a slightly frightening face.

"Let's go make kitty litter," he announced, continuing running down the corridor with his friends loyally jogging to keep up; funnily enough, looking like the Fantastic Four, except they weren't strange with odd superhuman powers evolved from a random cosmic radiation exposure.

…They were just strange.


	10. The cat who got more than cream

**Chapter 10**

"Dun-dun dahna! Dun-dun dahna!-"

"Quit it-"

"Dun-dun dahna! Dun-dun dahna!-"

"_Quit it_-"

"Dun-nah-na! Dun-nah-na! Da-na!"

Sirius dived to the ground, making a very impressive role.

Peter hid himself behind the knights of armour along the corridor, peeking behind them to see the enemy...that wasn't there.

James slid against the wall, inconspicuously trying to blend in with the surrounds - which was unnecessary because he was invisible anyway.

"Will you guys just quit it!" Remus complained. He had watched for the past ten minutes his friends made extreme fools of themselves. "You're not bloody secret agents!"

Unfortunately, in Sirius' impressive role to the floor, he had collided into a gigantic menacing seventh year.

Peter in his haste to conceal himself, tumbled into one of the knights of armour, setting off a very loud crash.

James' sly sliding against the wall caused some furious portraits to shout and scream because they had been smudged and nearly suffocated by an invisible weight.

"Woops," Sirius cringed, looking at the tree trunks that were the seventh year's legs. The giant stepped over him as if he were a dirty puddle. Sirius was very much relieved and got back to Secret-Agent-Mode. He jumped to his feet and stuck his hands together making a gun sign with his fingers, pointing it to the first person who regrettably got in the way of Double Agent Padfoot, or James' more appropriate nickname: Double Agent Pervert.

"Black, do not point that finger gun at me!" Professor McGonagall said menacingly, the unlucky woman to be Sirius' first target.

He instantly dropped his hands to his front and bowed his head. "Sorry, Professor," he mumbled. McGonagall gave Sirius and the boys a strange look before walking hurriedly to her office.

"Oi, Double Agent Pervert," James hissed.

"I told you, it's Double Agent Padfoot," Sirius corrected him, "Or Double Agent Sirius-Black-the-Mighty-King-of-blow-Up-Chairs-and-King-of-the-World."

"I think we'll pass on the latter," Remus said. "Can we please quit the secret agent thing? It's completely pointless and I doubt it'll help us find Whiskers quicker."

"So, back to running around the corridors aimlessly?" Peter suggested. The others nodded before all breaking into a run again.

Five minutes later, the Fantastic Four—I mean, The Marauders, had stopped again in an unknown corridor to catch their breath; each boy was wheezing from running and clutching their stomachs painfully.

"I think I've got a stitch," Peter said.

"Okay, this whole running thing I do not like," Sirius mentioned, stabling himself as he leaned against a wall.

"God, you're so...unfit...Padfoot. I don't know what...you're complaining about," James managed to muster in between breaths.

"It's the best thing we can do," Remus told him, but was unsure where he was supposed to be addressing to as James was currently invisible. He looked at Sirius and where he thought James was standing. "Besides, you both play Quidditch. You should be fit enough."

Mutually, James and Sirius barked a laugh; which unnerved Remus especially when James' laughing appeared to be coming from nowhere. "C'mon, Quidditch is ea-sy!" James insisted.

Remus and Peter gave replied with equally unconvinced looks. They'd never been near a broom ever since their first flying lesson, where Peter's broom was determined to be glued to the grass and not move on command, whilst Remus' broom had flown him on a wild assault course of the forbidden forest where he'd been hung upside down and Sirius had to save him from a high tree branch.

"It's easy as pie," James continued. "All you have to do is sit on a broom, bang a couple of balls-"

"You do that _a lot_-"

"And score a few things-"

"You _don't_ do that a lot."

"Shut up, Sirius!" James snapped, not liking his added commentary.

"But with running," Sirius continued, "you actually have to...?"

"Move your legs?" Peter suggested.

Sirius pointed a finger of confirmation. "Yeah! Like, what's up with that?"

Remus rolled his eyes. "Yes...moving your legs. The lazy Sirius Black actually doing something strenuous," he pressed a hand to his dramatic gaping mouth, "that is a surprise!"

Sirius was mildly insulted. "I can't help but feel you're making fun of me," he pouted, "and that's-"

"WHISKERS!" James screamed suddenly, pointing to the cat that had currently inhabited a copy of his body. Whiskers had made a wrong turning, unfortunately trampling down the corridor of where the Marauders were presently resting.

"Get him!" James commanded. The four boys stampeded forwards, each making a high pitched animal call, all except Remus who was giving them a ridiculous look and thought it was completely superfluous. They followed Whiskers who hissed and bolted down the corridor once more.

James gritted his teeth under the invisibility cloak as he passed the gossiping students.

"Oh my God, is that James Potter?"

"What's he doing? He's running on all fours like a _wild animal_."

"I heard that _exact_ same rumour, but it was about what he was like in bed."

"Is he wearing just a robe? Oh Merlin, I just saw his—his privates!"

Sirius tried to contain his amusement as James mouth opened in horror. Indeed, Whiskers was running very fast and the robe that was covering could not keep up with him.

"Where is that bloody cat going?" James yelled, pushing himself through a crowd of corridor passers, which again disturbed many people that an invisible entity was pushing passed them. They watched as Whiskers propelled past the Entrance Hall and shot through Hogwarts oak doors, escaping into the grounds.

"It's outside!" James said hysterically, pointing his finger. "_Outside!_"

"Yes, James, we can see that…We have to get that cat before it goes near the Whomping Willow or the lake." Remus realised.

"Cat's can't swim," Peter added.

As James' face fell in to one of even more despair, he sprinted through the main doors and outside into the grounds, tugging off his invisibility cloak that he felt was weighing him down.

The boys wobbled in their running as they trampled over the bumpy grass and stones. Peter tripped over a boulder, falling with his face in a mound of grass.

"C'mon, Wormtail!" Sirius pulled him to his feet. "We can do this! Don't give up! We're nearly there, Wormtail! Keep at it! Yes, my minion, keep going!" He carried on encouraging Peter who was running along with a limp.

"Please, stop talking, Padfoot," James said with distaste. "It sounds like you're blowing each other's brains out."

Remus was busy trying to run as one of Sirius' running elbows nearly punctured his arm. "Sirius, will you stop banging your elbows into me!"

"I can't help it! It's the way I run!"

James, Remus and Peter stopped in their running, pausing to watch Sirius run ahead looking oddly like a chicken; his arms stretched out as if he was preparing for flight, and his legs running wildly as if they weren't attached to his body.

They burst into laughter.

Sirius finally stopped his demented running and realised he was sprinting alone. He spun around to see his friends snorting at his expense.

Sirius stuck out his tongue. "I'll have you know that the greatest sprinters run like this. It gives you more speed."

"More like it gives you permanent blinding to anyone who watches you," James muttered. "Right, what were we doing again?"

Remus rolled his eyes. "Chasing the cat that has given you a reputation for liking to streak whilst hissing offensively," he reminded him.

"Oh yeah." James' amused face went back to the devil feline reality.

"This is crap," Sirius stated, walking back over to his friends. "I can't keep running like this. Let's transform!" He concocted suddenly, eyes alive with adrenalin and irrational thinking. "I can probably catch up to him as Padfoot."

"Don't be stupid, Sirius," Remus said, "People could be watching." He looked around the grounds, which to his disappointment, was pretty much deserted.

"Prongs, you better stay as yourself under the cloak, though," Sirius advised him, ignoring Remus' furious looks that transforming into their Animagus forms was absurd. "Wormtail, you might as well help and transform, too."

"_What_!" Remus hissed. "Peter can't transform into a rat! Whiskers is a _cat_, for Christ's sake! Don't-"

But before Remus could yell anymore ignored disagreements, Sirius had had shut his eyes, and as his limbs rearranged, he malformed into his dog self. And more to Remus' horror, Peter had swiftly joined his side and turned into his rat form.

"Why do I think this is a bad idea?" James muttered, nonetheless patting Sirius' shaggy head and noting a worried look at his rat friend who was looking around in a paranoid state.

Then, out of the blue, Whiskers had funnily enough appeared, approaching the odd group of the invisible James, annoyed Remus, a hyper dog and highly concerned rat. The James duplicate was covered in mud and grass, sticks matted in his more than messy hair. Padfoot looked excited, jumping around eagerly in anticipation - not only did Sirius love chasing, he _loved_ chasing cats.

"Wow, the plan's actually working," James said in surprise, not expecting Whiskers to come anywhere near them.

Remus knew what was about to happen. "Oh no," he muttered.

Whiskers' eyes suddenly landed on Wormtail, the rat twitching as it curled up on the ground with terrified fear. The cat hissed, clawing out his James Potter hands in threatening paws before running at Peter with its feline instincts.

"Oh dear," James said quietly.

Running as fast as his little rat feet could take him, Peter made his way back inside Hogwarts castle. Barking instinctively, Sirius ran after them both, looking happy at the chasing adventure.

Silently, James and Remus watched them flee.

"Why am I the only intelligent one of the Marauders?" Remus asked aloud, breaking the muteness.

James couldn't help but chuckle. "It's complimentary. There's always a ridiculously smart one in a group of friends that scold the others for being stupidly...er, stupid."

"Why on earth did Peter run back inside? Is he insane?" Remus yelled in bewilderment. "What are people going to think when they see a rat, chased by a half naked you," he pointed at James, "chased by a dog of ineptitude!"

James rubbed a hand to his chin. "They'll think, 'hmm, that James Potter maybe the sexiest thing I've ever seen in just a robe and... and..." He noticed Remus' exasperated look aimed at him. "Following them?" he asked Remus knowingly.

"Following them," Remus confirmed.

James sighed and put his cloak back on, sending his body into invisibility.

"Stop tapping my shoulder, James. You may be invisible, but I'm not dense."

James chuckled embarrassingly, abandoning attempts of tapping Remus' shoulder and hiding - which again, was unnecessary because he was imperceptible.

------------------

_Must chase cat. Must chase Whiskers. Must help friend Prongs out and—ooo, look! People! Lots of people! Pet me! My fur is so soft!_

Sirius was currently trying to chase Whiskers down an unnamed corridor, but predictably got distracted by a girl group girl fifth years, and was now nudging the hand of a raven haired girl who looked down at him with elated surprise.

"LOOK AT THE CUTE DOG!" The girl shrieked, extremely loudly. She bent to her knees and hugged Sirius tightly, not caring or checking if Sirius had fleas (a definite possibility).

_Lots of people! So happy to see me! Who are you? Who's she? Who's that person!_

Sirius was bounding up and down energetically, turning his head and licking the many stranger hands that reached out to stroke him.

"Why's a dog here? Do you think it belongs to someone?" Another girl asked. She rubbed a finger soothingly behind Sirius' ear.

_That feels nice! Do it again! I'm hungry! I want food! Who's going to feed me? My head itches, scratch it for me!_

"Aw, isn't he adorable," a ginger haired girl cooed, nuzzling her nose against Sirius'.

_I'm adorable! They all think I'm adorable! AAAAH, the dog thoughts are taking over my mind! I should be doing something...chasing Whiskers! Damn it…What's for dinner? AAARGH! Stop thinking of food, stupid dog mind!_

Quickly, Sirius got out of the grasp another hugging girl and escaped the disappointed cries of the group of fifth years. He ran down the corridor, using his good dog nose to trace the smell of Whiskers and Peter.

"Hey? Doggie? Where are you going? Come back! COME BACK!"

----------------

"Frank...Frank, please. You'll be fine. Calm down. I'm sure Alice will understand."

Frank broke into another hysterical sob as he wailed uncontrollably, resting his head on Lily's shoulder. Her school shirt was now damp and dripping with snot.

"No...she's gonna...crucify me," Frank mumbled in between sniffs.

They had searched endlessly for Whiskers the feline devil but couldn't find the cat; of course, because Whiskers was disguised as a half naked James Potter. Luckily they hadn't run into Whiskers in his present form.

"I'm not sure crucifying is allowed in Hogwarts," Lily said thoughtfully, again echoing James' words. "But, er, I'm sure it won't come to that!"

"She's the only girlfriend I've ever had," Frank made another sniff, wiping his nose on the back of his hand in a very unhygienic way. "She's gonna dump me. She loves that cat more than she loves me..."

Lily patted his back in comfort. "I'm sure she doesn't!" She reassured. "You could, er…always buy her another cat?"

The suggestion of buying another cat only made the sobbing boy somehow cry louder. Lily was getting very wet and many people in the corridor were looking at them. She was starting to get desperate; she had to find that cat so she could unhinge Frank off her shoulder.

"WHISKERS!" Lily cried, not caring if she was being stared at with very amused yet bemused looks. "Whiskers, please come here!" she begged, nearly on the edge of tears as she again patted Frank's back in sympathy.

Just when Lily began to lose all hope, she squinted as a few blurry figures were coming towards her. As the unknown figures got closer, she made a horrified scream as she recognised the first physique to be a rat; she hated vermin of all kind.

As Lily squealed, a startled Frank broke away from her, which she was incredibly grateful for.

"Ugh! A rat!" Frank yelled, trying to stomp on Peter. Peter squeaked and ran faster, sprinting past under Lily's legs.

As Lily's eyes followed the rat pass under her, she tilted her head upwards to find a half naked James Potter pounce and push her to the floor. Padfoot sat to one side looking very curious - at least, as curious as a hyperactive dog could be.

"POTTER! What the HELL are you doing?" Lily screamed, pinned down as Whiskers was on top of her on all fours.

Perfectly on time, an out of breath James and Remus had caught up them, their mouth's dropping in horror at the scene before them.

"Shit," James muttered, invisible under his cloak and completely helpless.

"Oh my God, Potter! Why are you half naked? Get off-" Lily broke off as Whiskers looked down at her, his eyes curious and warm. Then suddenly, Whiskers stretched out his tongue and licked Lily's cheeks as if they were a very nice delicacy. Lily was frozen with confused shock, peeking at the saliva that was trailing from her face to his mouth.

"Shit," James repeated again.

"That's rather unhygienic," Frank noted, standing next to Remus observing. Slowly, Remus nodded.

"Why...did you...just-" Lily began to murmur, wiping a hand over her saliva-covered cheek, but was interrupted when the James Potter's mouth brushed with Lily's lips.

Whiskers, of course, had no idea what he was doing, merely think he was doing normal cat affection, brushing his nose with her face; not intending to kiss Lily Evans, or any person, considering he was a cat and didn't even know what kissing was.

Of course, James knew what kissing was and it looked pretty plain to him.

"Well, that's just _typical_! Even the cat kisses her! _Arghhh_!"

Remus quickly shot a hand over James' mouth -in his very disturbed state- to stop any more of his loud cursing that was scaring people, mainly Frank as he didn't know where on earth the shrieking was coming from.

Meanwhile, Lily was trembling as she touched her lips, gazing into the eyes of what she thought was James Potter currently sitting on her. Remus decided that this might be the opportune moment to get Whiskers away when Lily seemed so stupefied.

"James, there you are!" Remus walked over to Whiskers and Lily, noticeably sweating. "I've been looking for you everywhere, mate!" He grabbed Whiskers so he couldn't escape and pulled him to his feet. Lily watched in confusion as Remus struggled to get a hissing 'James Potter' in a headlock as Whiskers tried to scratch him with blunt fingernails.

"You're ill, aren't you, James? You're very, very ill," Remus stated, jerking as Whiskers tried to escape. James -who was trying to recover from his coronary attack- helped Remus with Whiskers whilst he was under his cloak, but couldn't help looking back at Lily who was still frozen to the floor.

"C'mon, James!" Remus tried to say enthusiastically. "Let's go to the Hospital Wing! Since you're so very ill! _Very ill_!" He repeated again, finally managing to control Whiskers as he muttered a sleeping spell using his wand, making James' body limp and Whiskers go into a nap.

"Is he alright?" Frank asked politely, moving toward Whiskers as he examined him. "Do you need any help?"

"No, no, no!" Remus replied, putting his hands in front of him, accidentally dropping Whiskers to the floor. "Bugger." He picked the James Potter copy up by the shoulders. "No, no! I'm fine! Me and Ja—no, just me, nobody else helping me! I'll be fine carrying him!" He assured Frank who looked worried, forgetting the fact he'd been sobbing moments earlier about the lost pet.

"Sorry if James has been rude to you or anything, Lily," Remus apologized.

Lily was _still _lying on the floor, _still _holding her fingers to her lips. Sirius was busy trying to nudge her in the stomach for some soothing petting but Lily didn't seem to notice, her eyes glazing over in pure shock.

"That's my dog," Remus clarified to Frank and Lily, pointing to Sirius. Lily stared on, mouth still open in a surprised expression. "C'mon, dog, let's go. _Get here, Sirius_," Remus ordered more viciously as Padfoot spaced out. Sirius finally realised who was talking to him and sat up, wagging his tail happily as he trailed behind Remus' legs.

Frank held a slightly amused smile. "You called your dog 'Sirius'?"

Remus' eyes widened, realising his mistake. "Er….yes…..sure. Sirius is such a great guy," he gritted through his teeth. Padfoot was now drooling dog slobber over his shoe. "I just had to name...my dog...after Sirius..." he said quietly, regretting every word.

Gradually, Frank nodded, and then turned his attention to the sound of squeaking. Lying against the corridor wall making small rat wheezing breaths was Wormtail looking very tired and ill. Lily turned to Remus with an even more confused expression; Frank, to Remus' horror, made his way towards the rat and raised his leg high in the air to stomp him dead. Luckily, Remus jumped in and scooped Peter up and away from the foot that would have caused murder.

"And that's my rat too! Haha!" Remus laughed tensely, grabbing the rat in his hands and stuffing him into Padfoot's mouth. Remus turned back to Lily who looked even more disturbed, still laying on the floor in silence.

"He won't eat him or anything. Don't worry. They're friends…not that they're humans or actual people! Haha! I just mean, they are animal pals! Definitely animals! Haha!" Remus was aware that he shouldn't be laughing this much or in the particular way he was doing it because it was _scary _and _inhumane_.

"Well, er, bye Frank! Bye Lily!" Remus waved, before breaking into a run as he tugged the slumbering Whiskers by the arm and down the corridor. A still horrified James followed behind while an energetic Padfoot made random jumps in the air with Peter nestled in between his molars; wet and saliva-ridden.

"Better go back to our dorm," Remus told the others. Pulling Whiskers around a corner, he accidentally knocked into a wall. James did not reply, remaining still and frozen with horror; not even reacting when Padfoot, as a joke to cheer his Marauder friend up, tried to hump his leg - at least, James hoped it was a joke.

After Remus managed to pass through the portrait of the Fat Lady, who was seriously suspicious to why there was a half naked James Potter sleeping, he quickly attempted to make it across the common room without any interrogations.

_As if_ that would happen.

Instantly, Remus and the invisible stopped in their tracks, looking at the fifth year girl who was surrounded by her friends, and then back at Padfoot who looked highly on edge.

"Hey! It's that cute dog!" one of the girls cried, the same hysteric girl who was in the group of fifth years that had pet and hugged Padfoot to the point of nearly squeezing his internal organs.

"Aw, you've come back to mummy, haven't you," the girl cooed, running over to Padoot and hugging him to her chest. The girl's friends followed and made loving noises about how adorable he was. Padfoot looked extremely happy as his head was thrust into the girl's bosoms.

"Ugh, you've got a rat in your mouth," the girl said distastefully. She wrestled the rat out of Padfoot's mouth and chucked him on the floor. Wormtail made a squeak, slightly swaying as he was dripping with saliva, and ran up the common room stairs to their dorm for safety.

"Excuse me?" Remus frowned.

The girl looked up from petting Padfoot to face Remus with a puzzled expression, which greatly matched Remus'. "Were you the one who found my dog?" she guessed. "Thanks a lot!"

"What? What do you mean _your _dog?"

The girl's friendly gratitude turned to glaring at Remus' words. "_My dog_," she repeated. "I found him earlier. Didn't I, girls?" She inclined to her army of friends who made obedient nods. "He's mine."

Remus tried to contain his anger, dropping Whiskers to the common room floor. A few of the Padfoot-obsessed girls made 'wahey' noises and raised eyebrows when Whisker's robe showed a particular something down below. The real James quickly turned red and repositioned the robe over the particular area on show.

"I'm sorry to disappoint you, but he's _my_ dog," Remus explained sternly.

Padfoot attempted to bark but a girl had currently wrapped an arm around his stomach as if he was a handbag. He whimpered painfully when her sharp, manicured fingernails dug in his fur.

"Look here, Mister," the girl tried to keep her tone in a happy tone, "I don't see a collar on him, so _finders keepers_."

On cue, James waved his wand under his invisibility cloak and made a spiked collar appear around his neck. The girls made gasps of surprise.

One of the girls pointed at Padfoot. "Did you see that? He must be a magic dog! He made a collar appear around his neck!" The girls shrieked with delight and amazement. Remus massaged the bridge of his nose; surely these girls couldn't be in this house?

"There you go, there's a collar round his neck. He's my dog, so I appreciate it if you'd hand him over," Remus ordered.

"No way! You can't be his owner! He's too cute-" Padfoot instantly made a jovial bark "-to have a guy owner! What are you, gay or something?"

By now, Remus was not amused. He was not having a good day, and being accused of being camp was not lightening his mood. Just when Remus was considering whether to physically wrestle Sirius away from the girl's arms, a loud 'BANG!' was heard as the common room instantly filled up with smoke and the smell of dung. Instantly, the fifth year girls started screaming at a high pitched frequency.

Remus blocked his nose from the harmful smell and made a feel for Whiskers, tugging him by his robe as he felt his hands for the dormitory staircase. Padfoot had quickly made it out of the girl's arms by a mechanism of biting and was holding onto Remus' legs as they ambled round in the smoke.

"Christ, James! I knew we had to get away, but using a dungbomb! Not one of your best ideas!" Remus yelled, coughing in the smoke. "Where are you?"

As Remus started coughing again, he was quickly tugged by the collar and pulled towards the stairs. Remus waved the fog away from his face and was quickly blinded by James who shone a lit wand at him.

"C'mon! Quick, upstairs!" James shouted over the girls' shrieking. Remus nodded and pulled Whiskers up, feeling with his stumbling feet for the steps.

After much falling and slips due to the heavy mist and overpowering smell of dung, they managed to find their dormitory door and heaved inside, quickly slamming the door shut.

"The Gyffindors are going to be extremely cranky tomorrow," Remus noted, spluttering a few coughs. He dragged Whiskers over to a bed and managed to heave him on top of it. Whiskers curled into a cat-like ball and purred in his sleep.

Remus sat on his bed, rubbing a hand to his forehead, feeling a painful headache, not just due to the dungbomb fumes.

"_Ooo_, that was rather horrifying," Sirius said, transforming back to the annoying but loveable teen. "Don't you think this spiked collar suits me, Moony?" He admired the collar James had made appear on his neck.

Remus was about to answer but Sirius had already carried on talking, obviously making up for the talking he'd missed out on whilst he was in animal form.

"Those girls were scary. They wanted me _so bad_." Sirius shivered. "You know, being a dog really makes you think of what it's like being in their position. We shouldn't keep dogs on all fours because it gives them bad backs," he rubbed his own back that creaked; "we should let them stand on their hinds legs! Like, when we dance with them." He demonstrated a dog dancing as he waved his hands in the air like dog paws.

Remus gave him the most disturbed look he'd given him all day and ignored Sirius' compassion for dogs and his apparent fetish for dog-dancing. "What were you doing earlier?" he asked with annoyance. "God knows how many people -besides those hysterical girls- saw you as Padfoot."

Sirius pouted. "I couldn't help it! The girls were there and the dog part of my mind took over and started thinking-"

"Ooo! Look! People! Lots of people! Pet and fondle me!" Remus finished, making a scarily perfect impression of Sirius as his Animagus form.

"Funnily enough, yes," Sirius said narrowing his eyes. "Don't do that again, Moony. It's frightening."

They focused on the sound of squeaking and looked over at Peter who had transformed back into human form and was now lying on his bed; his hair bedraggled and looking very soggy and pale. It was clear he was still recovering from being chased by the dangerous cat. He seemed to be making squeaking noises as he was snoozing, possibly having a never-ending nightmare to do with being pursued by devil felines.

"Poor lad," Sirius said in pity, "he's had a tough day."

"Speaking of a tough day…" Remus winced, forgetting about the boy who had suffered the most.

Together, Sirius and Remus turned to look at the real James Potter who was standing in the middle of the dorm, frozen and clutching his chest.

"You alright, Prongs?" Sirius asked, walking over to him and giving a hearty pat on the shoulder.

"I think I'm having a heart attack," James mumbled. A noticeable squirm was seen on his face; the image of Whiskers kissing Lily replaying in his mind again and again.

"Oh, I had one of those," Sirius said casually. "Not nice."

Remus rolled his eyes and went over to James, sitting him down on a bed as he appeared faint.

"It wasn't _that_ bad, James," Remus said, but didn't sound very encouraging with the forced smile and twitching eyes. "I'm sure Lily will forget about it," he said dismissively and gave James a pat on the back – he fell forward on to his bed duvet.

"C'mon, Prongs," Sirius said. "Stop being all bent. It wasn't even a proper kiss."

"His lips touched hers. That's enough to say it's a kiss," James said bitterly.

"Look on the bright side! Maybe Whiskers did you a favour."

James turned to face Sirius with utter annoyance. "How exactly did that bloody cat do me a favour by _jumping _on Lily _half naked _and...and..." he trailed off, not feeling he could carry on as it was too painful.

"Well…the licking thing we won't discuss," Sirius waved offhandedly, knowing Whiskers licking Lily's face could not have brightened James' chances of Lily liking him. "But the kind-of-kiss, that's a positive thing! She might have even liked it!"

"Or she might hate you even more for trying to physically accost her..." Remus added unhelpfully.

James made a strangled cry and broke into whimpering.

"Don't worry, Prongs. We'll talk to Lily tomorrow and try to convince her you were ill or something," Sirius told him, forcing a smile.

"We will?" Remus said dreadfully.

"We will," Sirius confirmed.

"We have to?"

"We have to."

The boys sat in silence, watching James make unnecessary mournful sighs every five seconds.

"So, um...what do we do about Whiskers?" Sirius asked, trying to make conversation.

Remus pondered an answer. "I suppose we just keep him until the spell wears off. He's sleeping anyway so he can't do any more harm." He suddenly heard the sound of liquid escaping. "Do you hear that?" James looked up curiously.

Collectively, the boys stared at Whiskers snoozing peacefully on the bed….and also the large puddle of pee on the bed duvet. Sirius burst into laughter while Remus looked away with revulsion.

"I don't know what you're laughing about," James said shortly, not appearing to be out of his bad mood anytime soon. "That's your bed, Padfoot."

Sirius quickly stopped laughing and swore.


	11. Oho, Potions with The Slug

**Chapter 11**

The next morning, James was not amused. Not only did he have Potions with an obese perverted professor, but his friends had been acting unusually edgy and kept their eyes on him at all times - which was mainly because they were worried that James would have a sudden spontaneous suicide attack. But James told them he was past that 'suicidal phase', as if he would try doing that again-

"James, back away from the window," Remus commanded.

James glowered, put his hands in the air and backed away.

"Good Prongsie," Sirius patted him on the head, and then dragged him to the middle of the corridor away from windows and any sharp objects.

"I was just admiring the scenery," James fibbed.

"I don't think you're supposed to stretch your head that far out of the window," Peter said. "Or put your leg out either."

The Marauders trudged along to the dungeons very unenthusiastically.

"Potions," Sirius said with a scowl. "God, how I hate Potions."

"She hates me," James said miserably, his mind totally focused on the girl with red hair who shall not be named because everyone knows who he's on about. "She hates-"

"Yeah, yeah," Sirius interrupted, waving a hand to dismiss any more miserable mutterings that were contagious. Sirius was not feeling his cheery self and Remus and Peter had faces full of displeasure. "We know, Prongs. Evans hates you, blah blah blah," he gestured a yapping hand, "We'll sort it out later. As I was saying: Potions...God, how I hate Potions."

Remus was a little confused at Sirius despising the subject. "What are you talking about, Padfoot? Slughorn likes you. He invites you to his dinners, which you don't attend by the way." His tone suggested annoyance in Sirius purposely ignoring the professor's persistent invitations.

"You know me, Moony," Sirius said, "Things to do...Friends to see..."

"You have _other_ friends?" Peter questioned - a little hurt that Sirius possibly had a bigger social circle of companions.

James scoffed. "Padfoot's lying. He has no other friends except us. Everyone else finds him annoying."

Remus and James exchanged a look that said they both found Sirius annoying but were still his friend anyway.

"Well, I have _opportunities_ of making much better friends," he stuck his tongue out boldly. "Anyway, I don't exactly like being in the _'Slug Club'_." He made air quotes with distaste.

"Same here," James agreed, frowning at the name of the clique.

"You've never been to one of his suppers either," Remus pointed out.

"Much too busy with Quidditch practices." James made an athletic stretch to prove his point. Remus threw him a suspicious look at how James conveniently had Quidditch at the exact time and day of the Slug Club gatherings. "I dunno why you go, Moony. It must be boring surrounded by all those snobs and freakishly studious people."

"You must fit in with the latter though," Sirius added thoughtfully.

"I'm being sociable," Remus said, ignoring Sirius' comment. "The company's not too bad. Sometimes Lily comes-"

"Evans?" James said, his head snapping at the sound of her name. He grabbed Remus by the shoulders. "Why didn't you tell me _she _came?" He made a strangled cry. "If I'd have know _she _came, _I _would have come!"

"Sorry, James," Remus apologized, dusting off his shoulders. "I go because the suppers are interesting. Not because of the specific company."

"With company like The Slug, I don't blame you," Sirius said.

"The food is good too, isn't it?" Peter asked, thoroughly depressed by the fact that he was currently failing Potions and had never received a violet-ribbon invitation, or was even acknowledged by the professor correctly who continuously mistook him for 'Paul'.

Remus was about to protest that the suppers were interesting because of the conversations, not the food, but he eventually gave in to the fact that Peter was quite right.

"Well, there are nice pumpkin pastries," Remus said feebly.

"Ha!" Sirius pointed a finger disapprovingly at him. "I _knew_ food was involved somehow!"

"Yes, Padfoot," James said in a patronizing tone. "Food is normally involved in supper."

"I don't like it when you're depressed, you get all witty," Sirius frowned at James. "Anyway, it's alright for you, Moony, you got in the Slug Cub for being intelligent and all. I got in for being in my famous, Pureblood, Muggle hating family of inbreeds."

Remus winced, knowing not to evaluate on the subject of the Black family before Sirius started ranting and cursing everyone to Bulgaria. "Well, that's understandable why you don't go," he told him sympathetically.

"What about me?" James asked. "I got in also for being in a famous Wizarding family. I don't exactly want to be interrogated by The Slug about why I am quite well known and also who I know is well known so he can meet them."

"Don't you just dislike him because he has a particular interest with Lily?" Remus said sceptically.

"That has nothing to do with it!" James protested, glaring at his friends who tried to hide their chuckles. "Perverted old man," he muttered.

"I wouldn't mind going to one of The Slug's suppers," Peter mumbled.

"Well, Pete, all you have to do is become famous, or be in a repulsive family of Muggle haters who despise anyone with less than a hundred percent magical blood," Sirius said.

Peter was somehow glad that he was his usual pathetic self.

"Hey guys!"

The Marauders whipped round at the call and were faced with Frank with an unusual elated grin, his arm wrapped around the waist of Alice who was nuzzling his neck.

"Hi," the boys greeted the couple.

"I'll see you later, Allie," Frank told Alice, beckoning for her to leave him for 'man talk'. She gave Frank a seductive smile and a goodbye departure of tongue waggling that lasted at least five minutes -a very squirming and painful five minutes for the Marauders- until the girl finally left.

"Everything alright with the misses, then?" James assumed, not hiding his dejected mood.

Frank looked a little taken aback by James' bitter face, but nonetheless smiled that shit-eating grin.

"I found Whiskers this morning!" Frank announced. The boys gasped falsely to the news which they'd been practising for at least ten minutes in their dorm after discovering Whiskers back to his cat body and delivered him to Frank's bed.

"He was by the bottom of my bed!" Frank carried on explaining. "Can you bloody believe it?"

"I'm simply astounded," Remus said.

"Amazing," Peter squeaked.

"It's like Father Christmas delivering early!" Sirius rejoiced.

James was too down-beat to fib a surprised reaction.

"Alice and I are fine now. Actually, more than fine, if you know what I mean..." Frank raised his eyebrows mischievously. "Y'know what I mean? Right? Ri-"

"Yes," James cut in, grimacing. "We guessed from the tongue waggling."

Again, Frank looked confused at James' sombre mood. "What's up with you, James? You seemed to be doing your own 'tongue waggling' yesterday." James felt himself start to crumble. "Are you feeling better?"

"I hate life," James declared, then walked off in a huff to the dungeons, whilst his friends watched him drag his feet with extra pathetic demeanour.

"Merlin, _so _bent," Sirius emphasised.

"You're being inconsiderate again," Remus told him off.

Frank scratched his head in bewilderment. "Er…was it something I said?"

The boys rolled their eyes at him, confirming the answer to be a definite yes.

"Oops," Frank cringed. "Well, I better get going." He hurried off to his first lesson, luckily not with the Marauders, and more specifically not with James, who was not in the particular mood to be around people who were in happy relationships.

On that note, the remaining Marauders walked to Slughorn's classroom, entering with the rest of the sixth years. James was already inside, his forehead pathetically resting on his desk.

"Quickly now, sit down and settle!" Professor Slughorn called over the murmurings. His moustache fluttered and stomach jiggled as he spoke.

The second Sirius and Remus arrived; Slughorn spotted them and strode forwards, grinning from ear to ear. Unfortunately, Peter was pushed aside as Slughorn's stomach flung him away without the professor's awareness.

"Oho! M'boys!" Slughorn greeted them.

Remus forced a smile. "Hello, Professor."

"Hel-lo professor!" Sirius sang and pressed a hand to his mouth in fake surprise. "Have you lost weight, sir?" A few classmates snorted. "You're looking _buff_, sir!"

Remus and Peter looked horrified; James still sat with his head on his desk, looking on the verge of heaving his guts out.

"I had thought I've been slimming down lately." Slughorn proudly smiled and rubbed his stomach, making the class slightly heave.

"Oh, Professor! With a figure like yours, you don't need to!"

Slughorn made an ear-splitting laugh that was a cross between Father Christmas' ho-ho's and a stampede of wailing elephants.

"Such a charmer, Sirius. I was like that at your age," Slughorn insisted.

Remus finally took notice that Peter was on the floor and helped him to his feet. Peter wanted to be involved so tried to engage in the conversation.

"That must have been a _long time ago_, right, sir?" Peter said, which wasn't the wisest thing to say - his words seeming to be blatantly reminding the professor that he was not young in years.

"Yes," Slughorn said sceptically. "Yes, Paul." He turned his attention to Remus.

"It's Peter," he mumbled painfully, then took a seat next to James, who's face was so depressed that it looked like his seat was stuck to his arse...no wait, it was. Sirius had stuck Wizard Icky Sticky Glue to his stool.

"Remus, I trust you will be attending another one of my suppers tomorrow?" Slughorn assumed.

Remus forced another smile. "Yes professor."

"And Sirius, you have not had the _pleasure_-" Sirius coughed "-of being present at one of my suppers," he said with a hurt expression.

Sirius looked abruptly nervous. "Oh, er, I am otherwise engaged in...Detention with...Professor McGonagall," he lied.

"Oho, that is unlucky," Slughorn said. "I'm sure the detention could be revoked once I inform Minerva of the circumstances!"

Sirius did not like the sound of this. He did not want any more trouble with McGonagall who was still annoyed after being pounced on in the corridor by Double Agent Padfoot and his pointing finger Gun of Doom. She was especially displeased when she heard Sirius pretend to shoot people in the Great Hall that morning and had forbidden Sirius and the rest of the Marauders from playing the 'Secret Agent' game ever again.

"Oh no, no need to bother, professor! Her decision cannot be budged! You cannot argue with Minerva, after all. She gets highly stressed. She surely needs a holiday. All she ever thinks is 'Work! Work! Work!' Such a focused witch." Sirius spoke with such a grace that made him sound like another teacher having a casual chat at lunch.

"Yes, yes," Slughorn agreed, "Minerva does work too hard." He nodded thoughtfully and turned his attention to James. "James, m'boy? I haven't seen you at one of my suppers either."

"Quidditch," he grunted, then replaced his head back on his desk with no other explanations.

Slughorn peeked at James worriedly. "Is he ill?"

"No, sir," Sirius scowled with disapprove at James. "Woman problems, sir. Puppy love. I bet you have no problems in that department, right, sir? I bet you have to fight back the woman after you, sir!" He shadow boxed.

"If only that were true, m'boy," Slughorn sighed and glanced around the classroom at his students. "Oho! Lily!" He rejoiced, spotting the red hared girl chatting with a friend as they took their bags off their shoulders.

"And then Potter just—" Lily paused in the middle of talking, cringing at the sound of her name called from the professor's lips. "Oh no, he's coming," she whispered to her friend, and then to her horror, discovered her friend had disappeared.

"Nicole!" Lily hissed, glaring at her comrade who had suddenly abandoned her and was sitting on the opposite side of the classroom, waving apologetically. "You bitch! Don't leave me with _him_! When I get a hold of you I'm gonna fuc—_professor_!" She broke off, smiling at Slughorn who petted his moustache. "Good morning!"

"Good morning! How's my favourite Potions student?" The professor asked with bulging eyes.

A couple of seats away, Severus Snape grumbled to himself about Slughorn's favouritism, writing notes furiously into his book of _Advanced Potion Making_.

"Simply spiffy," Lily gritted through her teeth.

After at least ten minutes of the professor chatting to specific Slug Club members, the class finally settled onto making their sleeping potions assigned by Slughorn.

"Now's your chance to talk to Evans," Sirius murmured to Remus, elbowing him in the side, which nearly caused Remus to topple over.

"You have the most _unusual_ pointy elbows," Remus said, rubbing his hip.

"C'mon, Moony, James is getting deprived by the second." Sirius tilted his head to James who was adding his ingredients to his cauldron, looking highly low-spirited; not only by what happened to Whiskers and Lily, but by the fact that his stool was stuck to his arse.

"Did you have to do that prank now, Padfoot?" Remus sighed. "It wasn't one of the most appropriate times."

Sirius shrugged his shoulders. "Jokes normally cheer people up. Not Prongs, though."

Remus looked at him with indignation. "How on earth does sticking a _stool_ to someone's _arse_ cheer them up?"

Sirius tried to make a guilty face but eventually erupted into giggles, of course making Remus roll his eyes and return back to his potion.

"C'mon, Moony. All you have to is convince Lily to go out with James. We'll take it in turns," Sirius compromised.

Remus gave him a ridiculous look. "Padfoot, if you haven't noticed already, this is a Potions lesson. And I am busy trying to make a po—"

But Sirius had already grabbed him by his collar and pushed him into the aisle between the desks where everyone stared at him. Nobody normally ventured out to aisle between the desks because it was Forbidden Land and you had an army of eyes on you. Those people who ventured only went to make necessary trips to the potions cupboard, which Remus quickly did and grabbed a few random ingredients to make it look like he was busy.

Casually he made his way back from the cupboard and stopped at Lily's desk, making a clear cough to show he was there as her head was busy down and mesmerized in her Potions book.

"Remus," she greeted him. Said boy smiled with caution. "Or is that _really_ you, Remus?" He inwardly groaned. "Or are you _really_ James? Or even _Madam Pomfrey_? I don't know _what_ to believe anymore." She slammed her cutting knife into her board, making Remus flinch and take a step back.

"So, you haven't forgiven James for that, then?" he asked dreadfully.

"Oh, I'm dealing with it," she gritted through her teeth, making another harsh cut with her knife. "I don't know why you aren't mad, Remus. He lied and said he was you; you should be a little annoyed. And after what he did to me yesterday...just jumping on me like that and...k-ki...y'know." She broke off, reddening a noticeable tint.

"He was just being stupid."

"Was he born that way or did he just inherit it off Sirius?"

Remus winced at the harsh remark, but couldn't help but say: "A bit of both actually."

Lily snorted and continued back to stirring her potion.

"Look, Lily, will you please-"

"Three, four, five..." She carried on counting in her stirring.

"Just give James a-"

"Six, seven, eight, nine..."

"Chance, because he really-

"Ten, eleven, twelve..."

"Likes you and-"

"_I don't_, thirteen, fourteen, _want to_, fifteen, sixteen, _hear it, Remus_." She said in between counts.

Remus cursed. "But Lily-"

"_I don't_, seventeen, eighteen, _want to_, nineteen, _hear it_, TWENTY!"

Remus knew not to push it, and this was one of those times. He knew when girls were pissed off that you basically had to leave them alone – he was an intelligent guy.

"Well, this doesn't look like a good time..." He cowered under Lily's glare. "Bye then!" He hurried off back to his seat. Sirius gave him an inclining look but Remus simply just shook his head. Sirius grimaced, knowing that one Marauder was down and only two remained.

"How's your potion, Sirius?" Peter asked, mainly because he wanted anything to compare to his potion which was spitting and giving him sunburn.

"Not good, Wormtail," Sirius replied. He scooped a spoon into his cauldron which broke, leaving the bottom of the utensil stuck in his potion of sludge.

"When it does that, it is a clear sign that you are not supposed to drink it," Remus acknowledged.

"You may be right," Sirius wagged a finger at him. "I call it," he suddenly took on an impressive French accent, "Potion a La Crap!" He raised his hands in the air. Knowing he was doing exceptionally poor at the class, he quickly made another comment to Professor Slughorn.

"If only I were twenty years older and a woman, sir!"

Slughorn laughed.

"Will you stop sucking up to The Slug." James scowled for the hundredth time that morning. "Major vomiting-ness."

"Prongs, you know how much I suck at Potions. This is the only way I can get my grades up," Sirius murmured to him. "Oh, Professor," he turned to Slughorn again, "You are the _best_ teacher _ever_, _Horace_!"

Slughorn heightened his stance, which didn't make him any taller. "Well, I do have great knowledge in the Wizarding field of Potions making, and my teaching techniques are rather envied by others."

"Maybe I should try sucking up to The Slug," Peter said, prodding his potion that had oddly turned solid.

"Sorry, Wormtail," Sirius patted him on the back, "Only I can pull it off."

"Instead of sucking up, why don't you just study more?" Remus suggested, and then regretted the suggestion when Sirius barked a laugh and remembered that Sirius and endless hours of studying would only be something he would see in a parallel universe - which was also too bad because he didn't believe in them as he thought they were scientifically incorrect.

"Okay, your turn, Pete," Sirius informed the boy.

"W-what? W-what's my turn?"

Sirius rolled his eyes, "Your turn to talk to Evans."

"What?" Peter said shrilly. "M-me t-talk to a...g-g-g-g-"

"Girl, yes, Pete." Sirius finished and pushed him away from his desk and into the deadly aisle. He walked over to Lily's desk, head bowed as he concentrated on looking at his shoes, which was pretty stupid as he only realised he was at Lily's desk when he knocked into it, causing her to go into hysterics.

Lily gave Peter a quick glance and returned back to reading her Potions book, hoping the boy to simply be a horrible mirage. She was not best pleased to see Peter there when she took a second peek.

"What do you want?" she demanded.

Peter turned an abnormal white. "Er...Uh...um," he fumbled, saying all the words that were ever acknowledged when a person tries to make words with their mouths but only bits of it come out. "WillyougooutwithJames?" He said in one breath.

Lily gave him a disturbed look, before saying a toneless "no..."

"Okaysorryforbotheringyou!" Peter squeaked, and then sprinted back to his seat, his head still bowed as he counted his shoelaces.

"Blimey, that was quick, Pete!" Sirius said with mild awe, watching as Peter collapsed on his stool, hyperventilating. He noticed Peter looked a very odd white colour. "Oi, Wormtail, you look like you've seen a—"

Sirius stopped, realising the next word 'ghost' would not match the sentence because seeing a ghost was a daily occurrence in Hogwarts. "Er, like you've seen Snape naked!" He corrected himself, applauding himself in his mind.

"Padfoot, why are you clapping?" James asked him, glancing from his potion.

Sirius looked down from his happy thoughts and realised he'd been physically clapping, instead of mentally.

"Crap, not again," Sirius said embarrassingly, folding his arms.

"Were you applauding yourself out loud again?" Remus asked knowingly.

"Har-sodding-har. You know me too well, Moony…Anyway," Sirius turned to Peter. "So Evans said…?"

Peter shook his head grimly.

"Bollocks," Sirius cursed, looking displeased. "Looks like it's my turn, then." He rubbed his hands together as if he were about to do a common household chore.

"Sirius," Remus spoke with caution. "Try and not make Lily more hysterically enraged. She has a knife," he warned.

"Yeah, yeah, like she'd use it," he laughed, skipping over to Lily's desk.

Remus watched and did a mental countdown of: "Three...two...one."

"JESUS!" Sirius screamed, wrapping his hands together in a ball as he looked at the place where they had been milliseconds before; a silver cutting knife was now speared into the desk. "You nearly IMPALED that into my HAND!"

"Oh," Lily smiled without concern. "I'm sorry. I didn't realise." She grabbed the knife, taking it out of the desk with ease. She tilted her head down and continued back to reading her Potions book. After thirty three seconds of Sirius' foot tapping, waiting for Lily to come out of her trance of reading, she finally snapped. She flinched, her wand knocking against her desk and causing a slight sparkling fire that singed Sirius' hair.

"Bloody hell," Sirius swore, blowing on a strand of his black tresses.

"What is this?" Lily demanded. "Some sort of recruiting act? Calling in the reinforcements one by one?" She glared at the boy who was the third to interrupt her potion making. "Can I have _one hour_ without seeing a bloody Marauder!"

Sirius was slightly hurt at Lily's lack of welcoming. "All this attention on you! You should see it as privilege, you know."

"More like a nuisance," she muttered. "What exactly do you want, Sirius?"

He brightened with surprise, "Since when were we on the first name basis?"

"Since I had detention from McGonagall for _apparently _being racist! Now I have to be careful what I say!"

"Oh yeah!" Sirius laughed. "My surnames Black...and the colour black! What a weird coincidence. Haha. Ha."

"You're insane," Lily declared.

"We'll all do respect, Lily, but I'm not the one threatening with a knife."

"I am _not_ threatening," she said menacingly, making another slam of her knife into her cutting board. "I am purely _warning_ you. _There is a difference_." Sirius was about to interrupt but Lily had hushed him. "I would just like to, _again_, _warn _you, that whatever you say next is something I _don't _want to hear, then I can consequently _slice _something off." She cut the air with her knife, which made an impressive "whoosh" sound. "Understand?

"Er, you mean...no Sirius babies?"

"No Sirius babies," Lily confirmed.

He winced but nonetheless carried on bothering her with the risk of losing his manhood.

"Lily, you can't keep turning James down. It's like this," Sirius grabbed the knife from Lily's hands. "You are the knife," he said, then snatched a root from her ingredients, "And James is the root." He started to stab the root with the silver knife until only miniscule root crumbs were left.

"Will you stop destroying my ingredients!?" Lily grabbed the knife back and blew the root crumbs into Sirius' face, blinding him. "YOU-you...ingredient-destroyer!" She shrieked.

"C'mon, Lily-silly-billy." Lily deeply frowned at the ridiculous nickname. "Just go out on one _little_ date with James? Please?" Sirius pinched with his thumb and little finger to signify how 'little' going out with James was.

"How many times do I have to BLOODY SAY?" Lily yelled, causing Professor Slughorn to look over from his desk. "I'm fine, Professor!" She reassured him. "Just getting the creative, er, potion juices flowing!" She turned back to Sirius with an indignant look and said a simple but effective "no."

"But, Lily," he decided against using the nickname as it only got the girl more aggressive, "You have to go out with him! Do you have any idea what you're doing to him?"

"I'm not doing anything to him!" She said furiously.

Impishly, Sirius winked. "Exactly."

"Must you always talk like a sadistic pervert?"

"It's the only language I know, but back to the point: just go out with James! You're killing the guy!"

Lily couldn't believe the nonsensical words that came out of Sirius' mouth and went back to reading her Potions instructions. "He's not dying from some sort of life threatening disease, for Christ's sake."

"Yes he is!" Sirius said, grabbing her Potions book and slamming it to the floor, just to get Lily's attention. She tilted her head up with deadly malevolence. "You're the disease!" He pointed his finger at her as she frowned with confusion. "You're slowly killing him!"

Lily scoffed. "Now that is an exaggeration."

"_Lemme go_!"

Lily and Sirius turned to the sound of the shout which predictably came from James' desk, where he was currently trying to dunk his head in his boiling potion whilst being restrained by Remus and Peter. Once James finally calmed down and reassured his friends he was 'fine', he quickly snatched for his silver knife he'd used to cut his ingredients. Remus and James were now caught in a scrambling wrestling match on the floor as James tried to grab the knife and stab it in his eyes.

"Wow, sn example couldn't have come at a better time," Sirius commented. He turned his attention back to Lily who was staring over at James, eyes full of guilt and sadness.

"Every time you say 'no' to him he loses a part of himself."

Lily carried on staring.

"What harm can one _measly_ 'yes' do?"

A lot.

"Okay, Sirius, I'll think about it." Lily eventually answered, slightly regretting the words that were coming out of her mouth.

Sirius was dumbfounded.

"Who would have thought, out of _all_ the Marauders, _you_ would be the one to make me consider," Lily said in amazement.

"Well," Sirius arrogantly laughed, "There wasn't much competition, was there."

"There was Remus," Lily reminded him.

"Shit yeah," Sirius realised, his mouth agape. "How the hell did this happen?"

Lily shrugged her shoulders and returned back to examining her potion, expecting Sirius to make his departure. She sighed when she looked up to see Sirius still there.

"Was there something else you wanted?"

"Actually, yes." Sirius sniffed Lily's sleeping potion which was the exact colour and perfectly mixed, as every other potion she had created. "Would you swap cauldrons with me? I twatted my potion. Exchange so ol'Sluggy can kiss my arse for a change."

"Hey," Lily said, insulted, "I don't particularly like _my arse_ kissed by _obese perverts_, thank you very much."

"So swap?"

"No," Lily shook her head, "I like his suppers. They have the most gorgeous pumpkin pastries."

"Yes, I've heard," Sirius said. "Oh well. Food over thought, every time, I say."

"Most definitely," Lily agreed, then bent down to pick up her Potions book that'd been thrown selfishly to the floor. Feeling as if she had abandoned a loving pet, she gave the book a soothing stroke and then returned it back to her desk. As she brought out her wand out to carry on stirring her potion, she discovered-

"Gimme back my cauldron, Black!"

-------------

"Lily!" James called across the Gryffindor common room, chasing after the girl who was apparently deaf to his loud shouting.

It was the end of the classes and Lily had been pointedly avoiding him, including hurrying off to the girls bathroom to escape him when he wanted to talk to her. James told himself he wouldn't go back to Myrtle's bathroom after the whole I-tried-to-drown-myself-in-my-dirty-loo-water-sorrows. And also, Myrtle had took a particular shine to him and tried to snog him when he was emotionally upset over Lily. He most certainly did _not _want to be taken advantage by an ugly ghost - or any ghost, in fact.

"Lily, will you wait up," James said, managing to grab on to her arm as she was about to take a step up the common room stairs. Lily whipped round.

"Oh, it's you," she said in fake surprise, when of course she knew exactly who'd been calling her name and had been purposely ignoring them. "Are you aware that a stool is stuck to your arse?"

James sighed and slowly nodded. Sirius was most definitely in his bad books as he hadn't managed to detach the stool from his trousers and _was_ going to change in to another pair, but had then spotted Lily in the common room.

"Long story," James said vaguely.

He pulled her over to a corner of the common room beside a table and fixed Lily with a questioning expression.

"I can't help but feel you've been avoiding me," James said.

"Me? Avoiding you?" Lily forced laugh which did not match the serious atmosphere. "I don't know what makes you say that! I have to go wash my hair now," she fibbed hurriedly and stepped back to hurry to the stairs leading to the dormitories. James, however, had other ideas, and grabbed her hand to stop her.

Lily's eyes widened. "You're holding my hand," she said tensely. "My hand. Your hand. Much holding happening."

"Sorry," James immediately apologized, dropping her hand in an instant as he recognised the tension. "I suppose you don't really want to be anywhere near me ever since yesterday when I...er, well, y'know...I-"

"Sexually molested me?"

"WHAT?" James spat in horror, turning red. "Well, er, I wouldn't say it was like _that_ exactly..."

"Potter," Lily began fiercely, "You jumped on me. Licked my face," James cringed, "And then you...you k-kissed me." She flushed an unimaginable red and avoided James' eye contact.

"Yeah," he ran a hand through his hair in humiliation. "I would just like to mention that if my kissing standards were...er, sloppy? Then they aren't normally that bad."

Lily gave him a ridiculous look. "After everything that happened yesterday, you're worried that your _kissing standards were sloppy_?"

"I'm really, _really _sorry about that. I'm sorry about lying and saying I was Remus before because that was just a _Complete Twat Moment_. It's just, uh, you make me so nervous, and I er, get so tongue-tied. And nonsensical...and er, illogical...and uh, other words with the definition of insane-"

"Hysterical?" Lily suggested.

"Yeah, sure," James pointed a finger, "See, you're amazing! You can think of the perfect word just like that. And I am a _twat_ and I'm sorry. Especially about the thing yesterday. It was a stupid mistake-"

"Mistake?" Lily echoed, mouth tilting downwards. "You think it was a...mistake?"

James was very confused. Looking at Lily, he could somehow recognise the feelings of hurt and disappointment at his words of saying Whisker's kiss was an error.

"Not if you don't want it to be," James murmured, bewildered at how Lily's mind worked.

She looked away, obviously caught on the spot and flustered. "I dunno," she shrugged her shoulders.

"Look, Lily, you know how I feel about you. Just give me a chance," he pleaded. "Just let me take you on one date so I can show you I'm not really an insensitive prick."

Lily stared on in silence.

"You're going to say 'no' again, aren't you?" James assumed, annoyed. "Well, I won't give up!" He said stubbornly. "I won't give up on you. I'll keep asking you again and again. Like those annoying kids in those Muggle cars, and also Sirius, who keep asking "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?" in those whiny voices-"

"Okay."

"-Until their parents, or in Sirius' case, me, are really pissed off, and shout at them to shut the hell up and—w-what?" James broke off, realising what Lily had answered.

"Okay," she said louder, face unreadable.

"Okay what? Okay you're going to…massacre me?" he asked in fear.

"You must be acting because you cannot be this clueless," Lily sighed. "_Okay_ I will go on a date with you."

James narrowed his eyes. "Are you taking the piss?"

"If you ask me one more time if I am joking, I will most certainly be taking the piss," Lily warned him. "When will the date be?" James was still frozen with shock and was contemplating whether he had been cursed with a 'Stupefy' spell. "Please stop gaping at me," she said feebly.

He picked his jaw up from the floor, pinched each arm and finally realised that this wasn't a dream - besides, his dreams involving Lily included _a lot_ less clothing and _a lot_ less talking.

"There's a Hogsmeade trip this Saturday," he remembered.

Lily nodded coyly. "Okay."

"_O-kay_," James echoed, in a way a person says 'okay' when they are very, very confused. He wondered at which point of the conversation Lily had lost her mind.

"Well, I better get going," she interrupted the silence.

"Oh, right, yes." James realized he should probably do something to signify his goodbye and her departure - a goodbye hug, maybe? Or how about a goodbye kiss to make up for the sloppy one that Whiskers did?

Again, James seized her hand.

"You're holding my hand again," Lily stated, trembling. "My hand. Your hand. Much holding happening."

Before James had time to comprehend what he was doing, he started _shaking_ her hand, as if he were at some sort of business meeting. Lily opened her mouth in confusion as she watched him shake her hand eagerly and with much enthusiasm.

"So...I'll see you on _our date_...that's happening...between you...and _me_? Yes..." He dropped Lily's hand finally, realising it'd been at least three minutes of the handshaking and Lily was loosing the blood circulation in her fingers.

"Right, er, bye then...James." She smiled in embarrassment and hurried up the common room stairs two at a time.

James was funnily enough not thinking about the fact that Lily had called him by his first name for the first time, but how much teasing he was going to get from Sirius for shaking a girl's hand, as if he were getting votes for an election.

He sat back on his stool, which he thanked gratefully was stuck to his backside, as he felt dizzy with Lily-ness.


	12. Romantic notions will try to kill you

**Chapter 12**

James sat back on his stool, conveniently placed on his arse for sudden perching due to sudden Lily Evans encounters where she has a sudden change of heart, added with sudden flusters of sudden redness.

"You're going to die..."

James shot to his feet at the sound of the harsh whisper, his stool lifting bizarrely with him as he whirled round the common room which was strangely empty.

"Who's there?" he quavered. He grabbed for his behind, trying to rip the stool of his arse and use it as some kind of weapon. Sure, it wasn't a sword, but he'd left his wand his in his dorm and it was either the stool or the common room cushions.

"You're going to die..." the voice whispered again, making a manic evil snicker after.

"Shut up, you idiot," another voice murmured.

"Who's there?" James demanded more confidently. "I'll kick your arse!" he warned the voice, but was undermined by the fact that he was trying to rip a stool of his trousers, and it wasn't working. As he wandered over to the clothed common room table, he was about to make another warning to do with more "arses" and insults including phrases such as "your mum", until something grabbed his leg from under the table.

He tilted his head down and discovered a hand gripping his foot.

He did not react well to this. Hands didn't normally latch on to your foot. Especially with chewed nails.

"AAARGH!"

James kicked his foot out manically. He wailed as loudly as possible as if to deafen the hand, and cursed when he realised that plan wouldn't work because the obviously severed hand did not have ears to listen. He knew the hand was chopped off, obviously from some crazy homicidal murderer, like he'd heard in those Muggle stories where the hand ran around strangling people and attached itself to Muggle car roofs. Of course, the hand was obviously possessed by the spirit of the crazy homicidal murderer, and was obviously jealous of James' good looks, thus, wanting to murder him, then rip out his dashing, messy hair and his dreamy hazel eyes and somehow plant them on himself. _Obviously_.

"Alright, you severed hand!" he yelled, still jerking his foot. "I may be too handsome for words, but I will not let you rip out my hair or spork out my eyes and-"

"Prongsie, you loony!" James immediately stopped kicking. "It's meee!" The hand quickly unfastened off his foot and disappeared under the table.

James frowned at the 'me' who was talking and bent down to his knees, lifting the tablecloth up with a sharp tug.

"Sirius, you...you...you're more bloody annoying than a septic testicle!" James glowered at Sirius who was sitting in a yoga-like position with his hand in his mouth. A habit which he'd inherited from hurting his paw whilst he was in Padfoot form.

"That's a new insult," Sirius mumbled over his saliva covered fingers.

"And you, Wormtail," James shook his head disapprovingly at Peter who was crouched and waving to him. "Though I'm not surprised considering you'll follow Padfoot anywhere. Including toilet cubicles."

Peter was about to argue but didn't feel he was in the position to tell James that he was in the wrong.

"Moony!" James said disappointedly, gawking as he watched Remus reading a book very closely to his face. "I thought better of you."

"Well," Remus fumbled as he began to defend himself, "Sirius threatened to burn another one of my books."

Sirius barked a laugh. "You're such a liar, Moony!"

"Excuse me?" Remus pressed a hand to his chest. "I'll have you know that I am the most honest of the Marauders." James was busy tapping his foot impatiently as Remus and Sirius continued to chat. "You are the one telling a cock and bull story."

"I'm bullshitting am I? Telling a bull and...cock...or however the bloody 'cock' comes into it!" Sirius said confusedly.

Peter was busy humming as he blocked his ears, a habit he'd learned from when his parents argued - in this situation, Sirius and Remus being the arguing couple.

"Do any of you know the meaning of the word 'privacy?'" James asked, thoroughly annoyed that his friends had been spying on his conversation with Lily— if you could even call it a conversation.

Remus raised his hand, "I tried to teach Sirius the meaning of the word 'privacy'. But he keeps getting it mixed up with the word 'privy'."

"What's that?" Peter questioned, unblocking an ear.

"A shrub used for hedges," Sirius said.

James sighed, rubbing his forehead. "Can you guys get out from under there?" He straightened. "I'm getting a bad back and people might think I like talking to table legs," he frowned.

"The common room's empty, doofus," Sirius pointed out, making a roll from under the table and jumping to his feet, his fingers tempting into Secret Agent mode and those well-known gun fingers.

"Yes, I know," James said, "but there might be another group of weirdo's hiding under a common room chair, or something."

"When you mention weirdoes, I hope you're referring to Sirius and his imaginary friend," Remus raised an eyebrow, smoothing his clothes as he got to his feet more gracefully and without any energetic rolls.

"Oh, me too, Sirius!" Peter said.

Sirius sent him a disturbed look. "Moony was joking," he clarified.

"I knew that," Peter said feebly.

The boys took their seats in front of the common room fire. James was about to sit down on one of the comfortable chairs but then remembered that a stool was stuck to his backside, so that action would be denied. He gave Sirius a mighty glare.

"You've got your own personal stool, Prongs," Sirius tried to lighten the mood. "Just think: no one will ever steal your seat again."

James grumbled moodily and sat on his stool.

"God, if you're gonna be such an arse about it, I'll get it off." Sirius slightly snickered at his bad use of the word 'arse' at this inappropriate time.

"What do you mean you'll get it off?" James said with a puzzled look. "I thought you said there was no way to get it off!"

"No I didn't." Sirius rolled his eyes. He got to his feet, revealing his wand from his back pocket and pointed it at the place of where James' trouser stuck to the classroom furniture. He said an unrecognisable spell which made the stool fall off in an instant, unfortunately as James was sitting it on it, and he stumbled and fell to the floor with a loud slam.

Sirius smiled with satisfaction, dusted off his hands and sat back down. James was livid.

"You said there wasn't a way of getting the stool off! I've been going round with that stool on my arse all day! Why didn't you tell me there was a spell to unhinge that thing off my buttocks?"

"You never asked," Sirius said simply.

James made another grumble, restraining his hands from gripping Sirius' neck by folding them under his arms.

After James had calmed down after many "breathe in...and out..." utterances to get him in a collected state of mind, Sirius immediately started teasing James as the good friend he was and would always be.

"You shook her hand!" he sniggered, making unflattering snorts. "You...shook her...hand." He giggled girlishly.

"I know." James put his head in between his knees as if he would suddenly vomit all over himself.

Remus smiled sympathetically. "Not one of your wisest moves," he commented.

"Maybe Evans thought it was..." Peter paused, trying to think of a word that wouldn't cause offence to James and end up with him being smacked upside the head. "Er, cute? Maybe?"

Sirius shook his head in disagreement. "I know cute," he pressed a hand to his chest. "For example: I'm cute," he made a charming smile whilst Remus muttered,"Oh God".

"And..." Sirius pondered for another object that made girls coo and bright-eyed. "Um...Prongs' pyjamas!" Sirius said. "The one with the teddies. They're kinda cute."

"Cleopatra made fun of them," Remus reminded him, remembering back to his cough medicine memories. "She laughed and pointed."

"Well," Sirius floundered, "she was some dead girl that you made appear from your unbelievably high, and brainy mind, Moony." Remus couldn't help but nod. "And what does she know about pyjamas, eh? I bet they weren't even invented back then!"

"Right, Sirius. They just slept in the nude," Remus said sarcastically.

"Oh yeah, me too!" Peter said again.

Sirius sent him another disturbed look. "Again, Wormtail, Moony was joking."

"And again...I knew that," Peter said feebly.

"Why are you bringing my pyjamas into this conversation?" James asked, confused.

Sirius batted a hand, dismissing him. "Anyway, back to the whole 'cute' thing. Another thing that is cute is..." Sirius glanced around the room and came across Remus. Remus immediately gave him a worried look.

"No, not you Moony, you berk," Sirius remarked as Remus pulled an ugly face. "Your Christmas socks. They're...um...rather disturbing. But you could call them embarrassingly cute."

Remus swiftly tugged on his trouser legs, trying to hide his green and red socks that had stitched holly and Christmas trees on them. "Damn short trousers," he cursed as his trouser leg refused to pull down. "All my other socks have holes in them," he explained bitterly.

"Was there a point to this conversation?" James asked.

"Yes," Sirius said. "I'm saying; I'm cute, your PJ's are cutee, Moony's socks are...cute-ish." Remus generated another tug on his trousers. "But you shaking Evans' hand?" He grimaced. "_Not cute at all_."

Peter sighed disappointedly - he hadn't been used as an example for cuteness.

"How about... adorable?" James suggested.

"Okay, not cute, or any other word with the same definition as cute," Sirius rectified.

Remus suddenly took on his thought provoking face as he ran through the mental dictionary in his mind. "Actually, the definition of the word 'adorable' means something that is worthy to be adored. And the word 'adore' meaning to love intensely or worship, which has no implications on hinting that the object, or such thing, is cute. Therefore, the words 'cute' and 'adorable' cannot be justified as having the same-"

"Shut up, Moony."

Remus was about to continue but had forgotten his place and what exactly he was talking about.

"So…you must be happy...right, Prongs?" Peter said positively.

James gave him a blank look. "'Bout what?"

"Your date with Evans, dimwit," Sirius smacked him upside the head.

As the slap hit James, reality also hit him. It finally dawned on him again that he had a date with Lily Evans. Metal Overload time.

"Oh God," James murmured, pressing a hand to his mouth. "Oh God...oh God, oh God..."

"You're panicking, James," Remus said, trying to focus on his fidgeting friend that was walking back and forth with an expression of horror. "Stop panicking."

"Easier said than done!" James ran both hands through his hair to take out his frustration. Those poor James Potter tresses.

"But why exactly are you panicking?" Remus asked.

"I have a date with Evans," James said, mouth slightly agape. "I'm going to mess it up! I know I am!"

"I'm sure you won't," Peter said helpfully.

"Just be yourself, James," Remus patted him on the back.

Sirius snorted. "Be himself?" he said mockingly. "He lied and said he was you, Moony, just to talk to Evans. Remember?"

Remus inwardly groaned, forgetting that particular James Potter mistake.

"If he can't even tell her who he really is, he is most definitely screwed."

"Not helping, Padfoot!" James cried, covering his ears with his hands. Sirius apologetically cringed.

"Okay then," Remus paused trying to use his ingenious mind to conjure another plan for his doomed friend. "Er, don't be yourself, then. Just try and do three things for me; first of all, be polite."

As if on cue, James made a very impolite cough in Remus' face, splattering him with spit.

"Okay then." Remus wiped his face with the corner of his shirt collar, mentally making a cross on the box under the word polite on the list of James Potter characteristics.

"Try and be mature," Remus told him secondly.

"There's a bogey hanging off your nose." James pointed directly at Remus' face, as if to flick the bogey off himself. "It's MASSIVE." In addition, Sirius and Peter nodded with agreement.

Remus sighed. "How about being an English gentleman?"

"Sod off. Your advice is well crap. You're talking out of your arse."

Remus smacked his head against his knees and muttered, "I'm sorry, I cannot help you," abandoning his student and declaring him as a hopeless case when it came to manners.

"Sir Padfoot has brainwaves." Sirius made a mischievous smile that warned trouble was ahead and ridiculous plans were forming in his mind.

"Are you sure you're not just constipated?" James asked.

"Har-sodding-har. Although my stomach didn't really agree with those cockroach clusters...But back to what I was saying," Sirius tried to redirect himself, "Moony?" Remus looked up with sudden dread. "Have you got those Muggle fairytale books?"

Remus looked at him sceptically. "Why...?"

"I need that book I read before, the one with the blonde girl and the shoe."

"The old woman who lived in a shoe?" James frowned.

"No," Sirius scoffed. "The one with the mice," he explained, as if the additional information would explain everything.

"Oh!" Peter said. "That one. Cindy...Cindy-fella?"

"Cinderella," Remus corrected.

"That's the one."

Remus raised another sceptic eyebrow, but nonetheless walked over to his book collection and searched for the sophisticated reading material Sirius had ordered. After a few minutes he finally managed to find the fairytale book and was about to hand it over to Sirius but hesitated, bringing the book to his chest.

"Will you please try not to get any crumbs on it or spill anything on the pages? Unlike last time when you returned one of my books with a gracious amount of white stuff on it."

James snorted at the mention of 'white stuff', whilst Peter erupted into giggles.

"I told you before, that was milk." Sirius snatched the book off Remus and stuck his tongue out at him. "Dirty minded werewolf."

"Milk's your codeword for it then?" James smirked.

Sirius scowled at him. "Shut up, I'm trying to help you. So be a good boy and stop yapping."

"Helping? How exactly does a Muggle fairytale help me?"

"These Muggle books are the answer to all your problems, mate!" Sirius flicked through the pages of Cinderella before shoving it in James' face and tapping the cover. "This is what all girls want," he pointed to the front of the book, showing the picture of Cinderella in the arms of her Prince. "They want to be her."

"They want to be a girl who has two ugly sisters and an ugly stepmother who treat her like a maid and slave?" Peter said confusedly.

"No, dimwit. They want the fairytale story."

James seemed to somehow understand Sirius' theory. "I think you've got a point, Padfoot. Girls do want all that romantic fancy-pants stuff." Remus frowned at the sophisticated wording of "fancy-pants."

"Evans is probably like all them girls," James reassured himself.

"Don't you think Lily would prefer a simple date?" Remus began to say, but was hushed by James who was deep in thought.

"I know!" James cried, jumping to his feet. "I have a vision!" He posed his hands together to make a square frame as if he were a film director or artist in the middle of creative inspiration. "You know in this book Cindy...Cindyfella-"

"Cinderella," Remus tried to correct again.

"Whatever," James said. "Anyway, in the book she has that carriage, right?" Slowly, Remus nodded in bewilderment. "Well, like that fairy grandmother, I could transfigure a pumpkin into a carriage for us to go to, and through, Hogsmeade!"

"Groovy," Sirius commented. "And I could be the carriage driver!"

"That's such a great idea, Prongs," Peter said loyally.

"That is one of the most ridiculous ideas I have ever heard," Remus said, his mouth slightly twisting at the corners because of how ludicrous it was. "Although I congratulate you on your creative imagination. You are quite the visionary."

James furrowed his brow. "I can't tell if you're being sarcastic or not."

"Do you know how to transfigure a pumpkin into a carriage, Prongs?" Peter questioned.

"Er," James fumbled, "not exactly." Remus snorted and rolled his eyes. "But I'm sure it's easy. You know I rock at Transfiguration." Peter nodded his head eagerly. "I'm sure it can't be much harder than transfiguring...say, a cat, into a er...kitten," he suggested.

Remus laughed with disbelief. "How on earth is transfiguring a cat into a kitten similar to transfiguring a pumpkin into a carriage?"

"Ooo! I have another vision!" James announced, putting his hands again into a square frame. Remus shot Sirius a foreboding look that blamed James' lunacy on Sirius who started the Muggle fairytale story theory.

"Evans and I could be walking to the carriage, and there could be Lily flower petals falling from the sky!"

"That is so romantic!" Peter said. "You have the best ideas, James."

"Sounds good, my Prongsnated friend," Sirius stuck a thumb in the air.

"And how exactly would you make Lily flower petals fall from the sky?" Remus asked with a hand on his hip.

"Uh..." James tapped a finger to his chin in thought. "There could be...someone flying on a broom under my Invisibility Cloak! And they could be holding a bowl of the lily flowers and could drop them on us!"

"Ingenious," Remus breathed with definite satire.

"I've got an idea!" Sirius jumped from his bed and bounced on his feet. "We could display her a message on er...t-shirts!"

"Fuchsia t-shirts!" Peter added with much enthusiasm.

"And they could spell out the words 'You rock my wizarding world', or 'Your beauty stupefies me' or... 'Shag me senseless-"

"That's enough, Sirius," Remus pleaded.

"I have another vision!" James raised his hands in the air once more.

"Oh no..." Remus put his head in his lap and covered his ears by bending his ear lobes over in a way which makes your ears very warm and very red. "The date is going to be a disaster," he muttered knowingly.

"Balloons! Lots of balloons!"

------------------

There were much agonising days; agonising for Remus as he prolonged the agony of listening to James and Sirius' ideas which he couldn't comprehend how were thought up, and agonising for James as he counted the days, hours, minutes, seconds; which were then nicknamed as 'Lilyseconds' because it sounded more appropriate, until his date with the red headed girl of his dreams.

Then Saturday came.

It was clearly a day that would be marked down in history. It would possibly be made a national holiday.

The day everyone would be in awe of the-boy-who-lived-through-a-date-with-Lily-Evans-the-permanant-PMS-monster.

James could imagine it all now...it would be like Christmas, everyone giving presents. Except they would all be for him. And people would dress up in some sort of costume, but he would decide on that later. He would have to think of a shorter name for the day, something snappier and to the point. The day the-boy-who-lived-through-a-date-with-Lily-Evans-the-permanant-PMS-monster would not fit on your usual greeting card.

"Prongs..." Peter stood over James' bed, shaking James who was in a deep sleep with a happy sappy smile on his face.

"Breathe on him, Wormtail," Sirius advised him, observing his slumbering friend. "That'll wake him up."

Peter got millimetres to James' face, sucking a large breath before blowing it into his face, making James' hair flicker.

"Mmm...Lily..." James mumbled, breathing contently out of his nose, eyelids still closed.

"I was sure that would have worked," Sirius frowned with confusion.

"Will you just get him up," Remus said, making a grab for his robe. "He's got fifteen minutes to meet Lily in the entrance hall."

As Peter peeked closely again at James' face, nudging him to awake, James suddenly sprung out his hand and snatched Peter's hair as he was snoozing.

"Prongs, can you let go of my—owowow..." Peter whined as James' fingers tightened around his tresses, inhaling the scent as he carried on sleeping, eyes shut with innocence.

"Mmm Lily...your hair smells like the stuff my mum puts in the bathroom...Pou...Pou something..." James mumbled.

"You're so gifted with your words, James," Remus said. "Such a romantic."

"Moony? Why are you in my dream?" James spoke sluggishly, finally opening his eyes a fraction. He made a horrified scream as he discovered his fingers in Peter's hair - Peter on the verge of tears as his hair was closely dropping out from how tight James had secured it. He thrust Peter away, clearly disappointed that he had not been running his fingers through Lily's hair, or even a girl's.

"W-what time is it?" James yawned, making a stretch with no signs of concern.

Remus was annoyed at his poor time keeping. "James, you've got exactly thirteen minutes and thirty two," he paused, noticing James' raised eyebrow before he said the next word which had been 'seconds'. "Thirty two," he carried on, making a sigh, "Lilyseconds."

James inclined an impressed nod towards him. "A little bit of hesitance but you got it in the end. Well done, Moony." He congratulated him, making another stretch but stopped in between. "Wait, I've got thirteen minutes until my date with Evans?" he said in horror.

"And forty Lilyseconds."

"Shit!" James raced out of his bed, crawling in just his underwear as he searched for a pair of jeans from the dormitory floor. He grimaced as found a decent looking pair, but unfortunately had a lollypop stuck to the backside. He finally settled for a pair of black jeans and a blue shirt, which Sirius described as 'banging', which James guessed to be a compliment.

"Maybe you should do something about your hair, James." Remus advised, pointing to his hair, but not too close incase it suddenly sprung alive and ate his finger.

"Like what?" James frowned, examining his reflection in the bathroom dorm mirror.

"Here, have some of my gel," Sirius said, as more of an order, producing a tub of thick disgusting goo. James was about to protest with a definite no, but Sirius had already scooped a hand in and dropped the goo onto his head looking similar to some sort of bobble hat.

"Ahh! What are you doing, you mongrel!" James shouted, watching the goo wobble on top of his head like jelly.

"Don't use dog insults at me, Prongsie."

James apologized, smoothing the gloop over his untidy hair which flattened in an instant, but now looked as greasy as-

"Snape. Your hair looks like Snape's," Peter stated, wincing as he got a handful of goo splatter forcefully in the face.

"The gel shouldn't do that. It's supposed to make it soft, like mine," Sirius petted his hair in front of James, which to his annoyance was shiny and under control.

James watched as the gel had disintegrated and poked a finger to his own hair. It was rock solid.

"It's about as soft as concrete, Padfoot," James said bitterly.

Sirius narrowed his eyes and picked up the tub the gel came out of. He examined the label, and suddenly cringed. "Oh dear." He tried to hide to tub away from James' eyes.

"What?" James said worriedly. "What've you done?"

Sirius shone a pitiful face and widened his puppy dog eyes so hoping he would not get a beating by James. "Well, I kinda mixed up the gel with my moisturiser mud cream."

"You have moisturiser?" Remus said with slight amusement. "That's rather feminine, isn't it?"

Sirius punched him in the arm.

"How do I get it off?" James cried, tapping his hair which created a solid echoed sound.

"There's no time," Remus told him. "You'll be late to meet Lily. Just wear a hat."

"A what?" James spat. He did not wear any type of object on his head. Things didn't belong on his head. They were just irritation or gave him headaches. He didn't want anything suffocating his head or giving him brain damage, which he assumed you would get for wearing too tight hats.

Peter ambled up to him, displaying a badly tasted hat from behind his back and plopping it on James' head with a beaming face of what he thought would be praise in return.

"What the hell is that?" James spat.

"It's my favourite hat," Peter pouted, a little insulted by James' reaction.

"Looks like a tea cosy," Sirius commented, poking the material. It was definitely the colour of a mouldy tea bag, a murky brown which forced your stomach to unsettle. It was rather tight on James' head but was long enough that it covered his ears, solid flicks of his fringe sticking out in all directions.

"Let's hope Evans has lowered her expectations and makes do with you," Sirius teased.

"Har-sodding-har."

Remus peeked at his watch, finding there was hardly any time but a few of the castle shortcuts would help them.

"You've got the mirror, right, Prongs?" Sirius asked.

"Oh yeah," James reassured him, slipping out their Marauder created mirror from under his arm sleeve. James made a middle finger at the mirror, where Sirius pulled a face in the reflection.

"Try and be a discreet with the mirror, James," Remus advised. "If you look at it too much, Lily might think you're shallow."

"_'Think'_?"

James automatically smacked the back of Sirius' head.

"Don't worry, Moony." James pocketed the mirror back under his arm sleeve. He turned around and found Sirius making an ugly face to his half of the mirror.

"Finished?" James asked Sirius whilst he was in the middle of a sticking up pig nose. Sirius nodded, his finger still positioned on his nose.

Five minutes later following James' manic running to the Entrance hall, he finally spotted Lily waiting alone looking impatient.

"There she is, Prongsie," Sirius said in his ear, a few feet away from Lily who hadn't noticed their arrival. "Go get her, tiger! Grrrr-"

Remus smacked a hand to Sirius' mouth, silencing his growling.

"Just...don't do anything Sirius would do," Remus said. "Please."

James barked a nervous laugh. "Don't worry, I'm James Potter. Nothing can faze me!" He pointed his fist in the air for the added tasteless effect.

"James? There you are," Lily said, finally spotting him as she called from across the room. She waved and gestured for him to come over.

James squeaked and hid behind Remus.

"Smooth... Very smooth," Sirius observed.

"What are you doing, James?" Remus asked him, trying to tug his friend behind his back. "Stop being gormless."

Sirius pushed him forward. "Get over there and stop being a prat."

"She'll love the hat!" Peter said supportively.

James walked over to Lily, making a glance over his shoulder at his friends who gave him encouraging thumbs up, and an odd "Grrrrr!" from Sirius, before they hurried outside through the oak doors.

"Were you trying to hide from me behind Remus?" Lily asked immediately, instead of the usual greeting of 'hello'.

"Hullo," said James, not answering the question. "Sorry, I think I have something on my face!" He quickly removed his two-way mirror from the inside of his sleeve and put it in front of his face. Lily watched in annoyance as James held the mirror in front of him and started mumbling things in between gritting his teeth and casting Lily apologetic looks.

"What are you doing? It's been TEN SECONDS and you've got the mirror out!" Remus hissed in the reflection of the mirror. "Put it away! _Put it away_!" He looked simply enraged as James did not carry the action out. "PUT IT-"

Remus was roughly pushed aside as Sirius came into frame. "You rang?"

"What do I say to her?" James murmured, very impressively as his teeth were jammed together.

"Say she looks pretty," Sirius told him. "And that's true as well! It's not even a lie! I mean, that skirt...mhmm," he trailed off.

"Are you having dirty thoughts about Lily?" James said angrily. "You are so getting a beating later! When I get a hold of you I-"

"Er, James?" Lily's head appeared at the side of the mirror, looking at him inquisitively.

"WAAH!" James cried, quickly dropping his arm and slipping back the mirror under his arm shirt sleeve.

Lily's eyes widened with shock as James screamed in her face. "Um..." she started uncomfortably, "were you… threatening the mirror?"

"No!" James said, pushing down his tea cosy hat agitatedly. "Me, talking to a mirror? That would be totally unbelievable. As if there were actual people talking in the mirror...which there are not. Definitely not." He smiled to confirm he was well and not ill, which she must have been thinking he was, and more of the mental side.

"Right..." Lily tucked a strand of red hair behind her ear. "There are no real people in the mirror. Have you considered seeing a psychiatrist for professional help?" She joked, making a hearty laugh.

"Yes," James quipped, joining in her laughter. "Especially after this date." He meant it to sound like a joke, though he meant every word.

After the laughter had stopped, there was uncomfortable silence and much looking-down-at-shoes nature. James quickly thought back to what Sirius had advised him to say.

"Say she looks pretty," James told Lily, then realised his mistake as he wasn't supposed to mention the 'say' and 'she' parts of that sentence. And unfortunately as James had said the comment, a girl had passed the couple, making Lily presume he was talking about her.

"What?" she hissed, hoping her ears were deceiving her.

James tugged at the collar of his shirt, feeling very hot and anxious, especially with his tea cosy suffocating his head and possible blocking of intellectual brain waves. "I...er...I said, 'say, she looks pretty...ugly!' Yes, extremely ugly," he fibbed.

Lily fixed him with a suspicious look but simply nodded, looking satisfied. She glimpsed at James' hat which he had been pulling down every five seconds.

"Why are you wearing a hat? You never wear hats," she stated.

James sighed and was about to explain the gel-moisturiser mix up, but Lily had already started talking.

"Did you wear it for me?" She smiled. "Because I always say you play with your hair. So you wore a hat for our date?"

"Uhuh?" James tried to confirm as a yes.

"That's so...sweet."

"Uhuh."

"I mean, somebody going out on a date looking ugly, just for me!" She pressed a hand to her chest, clearly flattered.

James frowned at the word 'ugly' but nonetheless forced a smile and said, predictably, "Uhuh..."

Trying to change the subject, James said, "We better get going," following behind the queue of students signed out by Filch. As the groups of students started walking down the path to Hogsmeade, James held Lily back as everyone trudged ahead.

"What's going on?" Lily raised an eyebrow as he held on to her arm. She was about to state "My arm. Your hand. Much holding happening," but James had interrupted her.

"Just wait a sec," he told her. "Er….Oh, look! A squirrel!" He pointed to a random bush of the Hogwarts ground.

"What?" Lily's head turned to the pointing; balancing on her tiptoes as if to spot the animal would be more probable if she were a few inches higher.

As James had distracted her with the non-existent squirrel, he shouted loudly to the clouds, "If anything were to fall from the sky, I hope it would fall… _Now_!"

Lily turned back round, purely miffed that James had lied to her about the furry animal and wondering what on earth he was shouting about. As her mouth opened in indignation to give him a telling off, a light and white something had fluttered past her, dropping to the floor.

"What the-" She dropped to her knees, picking up the lily flower petal and examining it closely. "Where the heck did that come from?" She turned to James who smiled mischeviously and pointed to the sky, where more Lily flower petals were falling over them.

"Wow," she said in amazement, watching the petals twirl around them and fall to the ground. "It's as if they're falling from the heavens."

"Yeah, the heavens..." James echoed, when really they were falling from a chubby boy who was currently flying on a Quidditch broom, which was swaying as if trying to push him off, holding a bowl of petals.

Peter sat on the broom, hyperventilating as the broom started to jerk, nearly causing him to fall off.

"Ooooh dear! Woah, woah!"

"Did you hear that?" Lily asked James, turning her head wildly, but still in awe of the petals as they fell through her fingers.

"No," James said, making a hiss in the air of "Shut up, Wormtail!"

"Aaaaaargh!"

"I definitely heard it that time," Lily said, now a little annoyed by the fact that a lot of petals were falling and were getting caught in her hair and plastering her face. James was also a little aggravated, waving his hand as the petals began to suffocate them.

"Why won't it stop?" Lily cried, now coughing.

"That's enough," James hissed again. "Enough, Wormtail!"

"WAAAH!" Peter screamed, the broom jerking with so much force that it forced him to drop the bowl of remaining lily flower petals. He squealed as the bowl fell out of his hands and started falling to the ground.

"That's enough bloody petals!" James hissed again to the mirror down the inside of his arm sleeve.

"Why are you talking to your sleeve?" Lily asked in between coughs, trying to find her way out of the petal tornado as she covered her eyes.

"No!" James said quickly, making fists as he started making slight Kung Fu moves, punching and kicking the petals that got dangerously close to him. "Me, talking to a sleeve? That would be totally unbelievable. As if there were actual people talking in my sleeve...which there are not. Definitely not."

"Watch out!" A shout was heard from above.

"What?" James and Lily said unison, tilting their heads upwards. Together, they frowned in confusion as a circular object closed down towards them. As Lily was more intelligent, she quickly jumped out of the way. However, James was less intelligent, staying still as he watched bowl get closer until it was so close that it smacked him in the head, making him unconscious. He slumped to the ground and the bowl landed next to him with a loud clunk.

"Thank God I have quick reflexes," Lily muttered, grateful that the petals had stopped falling and very confused on _what exactly was happening _and _what exactly had just happened_. As she was about to drop to James' side and check if he was alright, she was suddenly forced to the ground and also knocked unconscious by an invisible weight, otherwise known as Peter Pettigrew, James' broom and his extremely poor Quidditch abilities.

"Wow, they didn't even make it to Hogsmeade," Sirius said from the reflection of the mirror.

"Ooo! I have another vision!" Remus mocked from the mirror inside James' sleeve, taking on a perfect James Potter tone in his hysteric state. "Evans and I could be walking to the carriage and there could be flower petals falling from the sky!"

"Great impression, Moony." Sirius complimented. "I'm full of admiration."

"You're definitely full of it."

Sirius could tell there were two ways of reading that sentence and wasn't sure which way to interpret it.

"And," Sirius joined in the James Potter mocking, "there could be t-shirts, with crappy messages which make you want to gag. That was such a lame idea."

"That was your idea."

"Maybe we should stop pointing the finger accusingly in error and come out from behind this tree and help Prongs and Evans."

"In error?" Remus snorted, pocketing the mirror and walking with Sirius from behind a tree of the Hogwarts grounds they'd been concealed behind, over to the couple enshrouded in flower petals. "Another cock and bull story," he said simply.

"Bullshitting am I?" Sirius repeated again. "Telling a...bull...cock...oh, I hate that saying."


	13. A carriage, Hippo and top hats?

**Chapter 13**

"_First I was afraid, I was stupefied!"_

"Sirius, _please_. Not the singing-"

_"Kept thinking I could blah blah blah dah-nah dahnanana..._

_But then I spent so many nights blah blah blah doodoodoo..._

_Dah-na nah...strong! And I learned blah blah...along!_

_OH NOT I! I WILL SURVIVE!_

_OH, as long as I know how to SNOG, I KNOW I'LL STAY ALIVE!_

_I've got all my tongue to give,_

_I'll use it as long as I live,_

_I'LL SURVIVE! I WILL SURVIVE! HEY, HEE-"_

"Oh for the love of Merlin, SHUT UP!" Lily screamed, opening her eyes and discovering a dark roof over her, and in her surroundings, an odd sound of travelling in some sort of mode of transport. "Where am I?"

Vaguely, she remembered being knocked out by some large invisible weight. She expected to be in the Hospital wing right about now, definitely not in the seats of an unknown enclosed space. She was about to lift her head from the comfy pillow which she assumed was a cushion of some sort, until she realised it was actually a lap, or to be more specific; the crotch of James Potter.

"Who's bloody singing?" James snapped, finally awakening from his unconscious state. His eyes widened when he discovered Lily's head placed delicately in his...groin—oh dear, he had to stop those teenage hormones before he made himself out as an even more embarrassing, perverted arse.

"Hullo," he greeted her, trying to control his male anatomy before it flung Lily's head a fair distance.

"Hi..." She blushed furiously. She quickly lifted her head whilst trying to get in to a sitting position opposite him. "Am I some sort of victim of a date rape?"

"I don't think so," James shook his head, "I don't remember any alcohol... Where are we?"

Their head's turned around confusedly as they focused on where exactly they were situated. They were sitting on the seats of what appeared to be a carriage which was plodding along slowly to Hogsmeade, passing the Quidditch pitch.

"Isn't this one of the carriages that takes us up to the castle at the beginning of the year?" Lily asked.

"I think you may be right," replied James. He and Lily moved their heads in unison to pop outside the window of the side of the carriage, unfortunately colliding heads in the process.

"_Ooow_," James rubbed his head through his peculiar tea cosy hat.

"You'd think with a hat like that your head would be protected from pain," Lily stated. "Is your head made of concrete or something?" James cringed, knowing Lily's painful bump was probably due to his rock solid Snape hair.

"You look first," James offered, holding on to his head as he backed up for Lily to look outside the window.

"No, you go," she replied modestly.

"No, you."

"Go, I insist."

"I insist more."

"One of you bloody go!" A voice was heard from outside.

James and Lily exchanged a disturbed look.

"Who was that?" queried Lily.

"Probably the same guy who was singing was like a strangled Hippogriff."

"How dare you!" Sirius yelled, his head appearing upside down at the window looking oddly like a bat.

"AAAAARGH!"

Lily backed up against her seat, startled and pale.

"Christ! Can I go one day without screaming?" James yelled, clutching his chest.

"I have the voice of an _angel_, you bastard." Sirius hit James in the arm, which was a pretty impressive thing to do upside down. "Moony, say hello."

Remus' head also appeared upside down for five seconds of waving before oddly disappearing again.

"Er, Sirius? No matter how much I don't really care for your well-being, I don't think you should be upside down for that long," Lily observed him. "Your head is turning many colours."

"Ah," Sirius squeaked, turning a definite blue in the face. "We can stop - I think the Hippogriff needs a bathroom break anyway."

"The Hipogriff?" James said with dread.

Lily shrieked as the carriage came to an abrupt halt, making her suddenly fling across the seat opposite into James' crotch yet once again. Her mouth made a muffled squeal as her head landed into James' private area, which was extremely painful for James to have a particular heavy object bash into his particular delicate area so forcefully.

"Glad you kiddies are awake. So wha—" Sirius stopped, smirking in surpise as he had opened the carriage door and discovered James and Lily in rather rude positions. "Sorry, am I interrupting something?"

"Piss off," James hissed.

"Sorry." Lily finally managed to remove her head from his now familiar area.

"S'not your fault," James winced. "Blame it on the unexpected breaking."

"Sorry about that," Remus apologized, appearing at Sirius' side with a thoroughly displeased face.

"The Hippogriff's a bit hard to handle," Sirius explained.

"The Hippogriff?" James echoed again.

"What are you—" Lily paused, about to ask what exactly this carriage predicament was all about, but then burst into laughter as she took in Sirius and Remus' appearance. "What are you _wearing_?"

Remus scowled. "I'd like to clarify that I did not agree to this ludicrous clothing," he said, raising his hand in protest. "Sirius is the one who picked these ridiculous clothes."

"I think we look rather becoming actually," Sirius said, tilting his black top hat over one side of his face, shooting them a seductive wink. Lily--along with James who had recovered from his heart failure and pain in the male anatomy--broke into more laughter.

"What look were you going for?" Lily tried to keep a straight face and act as if she were serious about knowing their opinions on fashion. "I mean, what was your influence?" She bit on her tongue as she hid back a giggle, taking in their rather smart black suits complete with top hats - and what she could see from the corner of eye, Sirius twirling a walking cane.

"Well," Sirius formed a flattering laugh, "I thought we'd try and go for the a-"

"Arse look," James finished for him, exchanging a chuckle with Lily. Remus turned a bright red and scowled.

"I was going to say 'aristocrat' actually," Sirius continued.

"Where's Peter?" James asked, noticing his fourth comrade not to be present.

"Hospital wing… He's not a good flier." Remus shot James a look.

Lily held a puzzled expression. "Pettigrew was flying?"

"Unnecessary topic," Sirius said loudly, waving a dismissive hand.

"Er, not that I don't love your costumes," Lily smiled in amusement. "But what is with the carriage?"

"Ahh, glad you brought it up! It was all James' idea." Sirius patted his friend heartily on the back.

James gulped. "It...was?"

"Don't be so modest!" Sirius patted him on the back harder.

"It was James' ingenious idea to do this romantic gesture," Remus said in a clearly miffed tone, mostly due to the clothes department of the plan. "He thought it would be simply amorous to take a utopian stroll in the carriage to Hogsmeade and through the village."

"Not in those exact words obviously," Sirius said, slightly confused by Remus' descriptive diction. "'Cos Prongs probably doesn't even know what 'amorous' means."

"Neither do you," James pointed out.

"Amorous is a tiny creature composed of one cell only," Sirius replied matter-of-factly.

"That's an amoeba, dimwit," Remus rolled his eyes.

Sirius cringed, "Easy mistake to make..."

"Right," Lily tried to brush aside the boys neverending bantering. "So, what exactly is controlling this thing?"

"Not a Hippogriff?" James repeated for the third time in a dreading, knowing voice.

"Might as well introduce you to Hippo," Sirius grinned.

"I told you already, don't call the creature that, Sirius," Remus said sternly. "She might be offended. And we _do not _want to offend her."

James and Lily exchanged a wary look before popping their heads out of the window to the front of the carriage, where a Hippogriff stood proudly in a bad temper as reins had been attached to her like a horse.

"She's beautiful," Lily admired from _afar_. Basically because she had read that Hippogriffs were dangerous and preferably wanted to keep her arms and legs attached to her body.

"We found her in the forest," Sirius mentioned. He looked a little taken aback that he had not received any type of praise, congratulations, well dones, medals or _even_ trophies for finding the magical creature. "I've got a feeling I'll be flying on Hippogriff's when I'm older."

"Whatever, Sirius," James made a whistling sound as he twirled his finger towards his head, illustrating Sirius' blatant insanity. "And you named her Hippo," he said slowly. "She must feel honoured."

"Aw, Hippo loves me, don't ya?" Sirius went up to the Hippogriff without bowing, which instantly made Remus make a warning cry - but Hippo simply squawked, making a soothing cooing sound as she was petted at the neck.

"Even creatures are attracted to you," Remus frowned as Hippo rubbed her head playfully into Sirius' shoulder. "It's rather horrifying."

"Jealous, are ya, Moony?" Sirius winked. "I'll give you loves and cuddles later," he teased.

"Don't even joke about that."

"Um, guys? Maybe we should get going," James suggested. They were attracting quite the attention, James spotting a group of students approaching them whilst pointing at them from a distance away.

"Sure, Hippo's done her bathroom break anyway," Sirius informed.

The boys peeped down at the ground, immediately looking away as they spotted a large heap of what they guessed was Hippogriff dung which had started to attract flies and cast a ghastly smell. Lily saw no point to contradict Sirius so didn't bother to even look.

"You better feed her," Remus advised.

Sirius revealed a bag which smelled of rotting and pulled out a dead rat without any signs of being appalled. He tossed the rat to Hippo who impressively caught it in the air and chomped it down with minimal chewing.

"I'm not even going to ask," Lily said, suddenly feeling sick in the stomach.

James looked a little worried, glancing at the bag of rats. "You _did _check Peter was in the Hospital wing... right?"

"Of course we did!" Sirius reassured them, but then made a quite nervous cough afterwards, and James thought maybe they hadn't after all. Lily watched on in bewilderment.

"Let's get going, then!" Sirius said eagerly. He jumped back on the driving seat of the carriage, helping Remus who had clear signs that he really, _really_ didn't want to get back on but would have to anyway. James and Lily started to get comfortable inside and decided to sit on the same seat instead of opposite ones, so no more embarrassing 'My head-your crotch' situations would happen.

"We better split before-" Sirius started, but was interrupted by an incoming scream.

Sirius and Remus turned round to discover Professor McGonagall speeding towards them from the main oak doors of Hogwarts, her wand raised threateningly as she held her robes higher above her feet so she could run.

"MR. BLACK!"

"Oh bollocks," Sirius cursed. He pulled on the reins of Hippo who had annoyingly chosen this moment to stand still as possible.

"Bugger! McGonagall's coming!" James shrieked, popping his head out the carriage window. "C'mon Padfoot, get moving!"

"Oh we're in so much trouble," Lily put her face in her hands.

"Don't worry, Lily," James rubbed her arm reassuringly. "_Sirius_ will get _all_ the blame."

"Oi, sod you!" Sirius appeared at the carriage window upside down again, a heated frown upon his face.

"Sirius, this isn't the time!" Remus pulled him from the window and back in to the driver's seat. "Why isn't the Hippogriff moving?"

Sirius pulled on the reins once more but Hippo refused to move, only squawked in bad temper - apparently she hadn't finished resting. "Come on, Hippo!" He tightened again on the reins. "Come on, love! Move for me! Please?"

"MR. BLACK!" McGonagall's scream came louder.

"Oh Jesus," James muttered in horror. "This exactly like this Muggle film I saw where these kids are in these dark woods in one of those Muggle cars, and the car won't star—-"

"_Oh yeah_," Sirius popped his head at the window again. "And the guy keeps turning that ignidi...ig...ig-"

"Ignition?" Lily guessed.

"Yes! And the car still wont start-"

"Were they out of petrol?" Remus questioned.

Sirius pulled an ugly face, "I dunno. I dunno even know what petrol is. Anyway, there's this-"

"What exactly was wrong with the car? Why wasn't it starting?" Remus interrogated. "Why were the kids alone in the dark woods? Did they have the wrong directions? Where exactly were they going? You say 'kids' but how old were they? Were there an adults-"

"You're ruining my story, Moony."

"I do apologize."

Sirius sighed and muttered the word "butt munch" which none of the others recognised as an everyday saying, assuming the name as another one of his laughable made-up insults.

"Anyway, the kids are in the car, and they can hear these pounding footsteps outside." Sirius knocked his hand on the carriage for a dramatic way of story-telling. "And he turns the ignition thing but the car still won't start, and the monster moves closer in the darkness, and he turns the key again, and it comes closer, and closer, and closer..."

"Then what happens?" Lily whispered tensely.

"The monster smashes through the window-" Sirius created an explosive sound of a window smashing which sounded oddly like the emphasised word of 'pow!' "-And the monster grabs the kids by their necks, and..."

"And what?" Lily murmured, clearly traumatized by the story.

"It..." He paused dramatically. "Eats them."

Lily paled and started hyperventilating, whilst James to fan her with his hands.

"I sincerely doubt McGonagall will eat us," Remus said, grabbing Sirius' top hat to get his attention.

"My top hat!" Sirius cried, removing his head from the window and scrambling his hands to reach the hat that Remus' was dangling away from him.

"I will give it back when you stop getting distracted!" Remus said. "No more Muggle television."

"Give it back, Moony!"

"MR. BLACK!" McGonagall screamed for the third time, now barely feet away from them. "All of you: get out of this carriage _this second_!"

"For goodness sake! Why won't the hippogriff move?" Remus complained. He tried for himself to tighten on the reins of Hippo but she stubbornly remained frozen, even yawning in a bored fashion.

Lily suddenly had an idea. "Insult it!"

"What?"

Lily poked her head out of the window to look at Sirius and Remus. "They don't like to be insulted, remember?"

"I don't think insulting Hippo will help the situation, Lily!"

Lily groaned. "Just try it! Maybe the Hippogriff will move if you aggravate it, like you're aggravating me."

Sirius clutched his chest. "Merlin, that was harsh."

"Just do it, Padfoot!" James urged him.

"But I don't want to insult my lovely Hippo-"

"Sirius," Remus growled, sending him a deadly glare.

"You werewolves are so bossy," Sirius muttered to Remus quietly. "Fine." He turned to Hippo. "Er," he fumbled for a particular insult.

"You don't need to be picky, Padfoot. Any one will do."

"Ooo," Sirius made a noise of delight. "I got one! Hippo, your mother is so fat, the only thing that is attracted to her is gravity!" He burst into unrequited laughter.

"Not 'your mother' insults, you imbecile," Lily smacked her head.

"But I've got so many good ones!" Sirius protested. "For example: your mother is so fat, she needs a map to find her own butt. Hehe..." Remus glowered at him. "Alright, Moony!" He turned back to Hippo. "Uh, Hippo? This whole 'not moving thing' is really boring. You suck. And er, your feathers are all...overlapping!"

"That was pathetic, Sirius," James remarked.

"And you're ugly!" Sirius added.

Hippo screeched indignantly and kicked back on her hind legs.

"I think that hit the spot," Remus squeaked, holding on the carriage for dear life as it nearly tipped over.

"Go, Hippo!" Sirius called mightily. The creature grinded her hooves to the ground and started galloping towards Hosgmeade, squawking and holding its head high.

"Come back here!" McGonagall coughed as Hippo left a cloud of dust behind her in such a fast getaway.

"Sorry, can't hear you, Minerva!" Sirius shouted, putting a hand to his ear. "Talk to you later, bye bye now!"

Lily pressed a hand to her mouth, trying not to disgorge her last meal as the carriage moved. "Isn't there some sort of speed control?" She gripped the carriage walls with her fingernails.

"I don't think Hippogriffs are meant to pull along carriages," James said, feeling as if his face was pulled back from the amazing speed.

"They probably don't like it," Lily said.

"Which is why they aren't used for pulling carriages."

"A group of third years at two o'clock!" Remus warned, keeping a look out for all obstacles which included people, rocks and trees. Sirius quickly swerved right at Remus' news.

"What are you doing? You're going to bash right into them!"

"I'm not at good at time! That's why I wear a digital watch!" Sirius shrieked, dropping the reins and covering his eyes so he wouldn't see the destruction of Hippo mowing down a group of Hogwarts students.

"Don't close your eyes, you imbecile!" Remus grabbed for the reins.

"Yeah, that's what she told me. And then I said," the third year paused as she chatted to her friends, her back facing the oncoming carriage and deadly Hippogriff coming her way, "I'd believe _that_ when I saw a Hippogriff." She laughed. "Like _that _would ever happen."

"Er... Amber?" Her friend pointed behind her.

At the sound of galloping and a tremendously loud squawk, the girl turned around and screamed, diving out of the way as the carriage nearly ran over. Her friends wailed their arms as they watched the wrathful creature pass, blaring their lungs dry.

"Sorry, ladies!" Sirius apologized. "Don't sue us! Bye!" The carriage zoomed away.

"Did you see that?" One of the girls asked, gaping.

"I know," the girl named Amber replied. "Sirius Black and Remus Lupin in _top hats_. _So hot_."

Back in the carriage, James and Lily squealed as it swerved to right, pushing them both against a wall, fatefully making Lily stumble and fall onto James'—

"Lap. You're in my lap," he stated. "Not that I'm complaining or anything..." He noticed Lily's deadly raised eyebrows and smiled with mischief. "You're becoming rather familiar with my lap, you know."

They both made another squeal as the carriage swerved to the right, pushing them both against a wall. This time, making James fall on to Lily's—

"Lap. Now you're in _my_ lap." Lily said, smiling at how the tables had turned. "What do you have to say about that, Potter?" she teased.

"You fell headfirst into my crotch _twice_," he reminded her.

Lily's smile disappeared. "Touché," she mumbled, folding her arms.

"Watch the tree, Sirius," Remus said simply, not making any elaborations because the obstacle was close and bold enough to see. When Sirius didn't seem to be making any signs of turning, Remus started to worry.

"Tree at twelve o'clock, Sirius."

Still no signs of swerving.

"SIRIUS, THE TREE!"

"Alright, keep your hair on," he said, making a tug on the reins and luckily scraping past the tree by inches, but unfortunately thwacking Remus with a tree branch and many, many leaves.

After much Hippogriff galloping, they'd finally entered the Hogsmeade village with a very might entrance of... _screaming_.

"It seems we've caught a lot of attention..." Remus pulled down his top hat as much as he could over his face.

"I really don't know why," Sirius replied, clueless.

"Uh, James, I've really...um, enjoyed this romantic carriage journey-" Lily said, "but I'd appreciate if we got out of this thing. I feel really nauseous..."

"That's a shame, I've really enjoyed it," James fibbed. "Christ!" His head connected with the roof as the carriage bumped over something. "_Did we just run over someone?_"

"Don't worry," Sirius replied. "Won't be missed."

James looked horrified.

"We ran over a bench, James," Remus rectified. James breathed a sigh of relief.

"That's right, folks!" A salesman with a particular surname of Fletcher stood next to his stall of stacked delicate plates of china. He gestured to his merchandise and waved to the colourful sign that displayed the words: 'Your heart can break but not this plate!'

"These genuine plates 'ere-" the ginger haired man picked up a plate and displayed it next to his face with a cheesy smile "-are unbreakable! Wiv a special permanent charm inside the plates, even if they're dropped and smashed to the floor, the pieces instantly stick back together. Without y'even lifting yer wand to mutter a fixing spell!"

"Hmm," a witch observed, interested as she looked at a plate, front and back.

"And a special deal for only today, five galleons for a complete set of twelve! What a bargain, I hear you say! Here you go." He handed another set of plates to an eager customer as the galleons poured in. "Who else would like to purchase this once in a life time offer?" He looked among the crowd. "How about you?" He pointed his finger at a woman.

The witch had only been passing the stall and was fully aware the crowd was looking at her.

"Er...sorry?" she spoke, unaware of the question.

"Tally ho, Hippo!" Sirius shouted, the carriage barging down the street and towards the crowd of onlooking plate purchasers. "Oo, that rhymed," he noted with delight.

Fletcher spotted Hippo and waved his hands back and forth in distress. "No, no! Not the plates!" he cried.

The crowd wailed, fleeing as the carriage charged into the stall, destroying every plate which smashed to the floor in minuscule pieces.

"Sorry!" Sirius apologized. "Don't sue us! Bye!"

The carriage plodded along, trampling over the broken plates and down along the street of Hogsmeade, where more people screamed about a Hipogriff leaving its trails of dung in its wake.

"Oh dear, that man's stock is ruined," a woman said.

"Don't worry, the plates are unbreakable!" her partner reassured her with a grin, a bag of the set of plates held proudly in his hand.

The crowd watched in anticipation as they waited for the plates to spring alive and repair themselves.

They did not.

Fletcher laughed nervously. "Oh, well, er, who wants their money back 'en?" He asked the crowd.

Everyone raised their hands.

"Well...tough! No refunds!" Fletcher said, before Disapparating with a crack.

"COME BACK, YOU THEIVING LIAR!" The scammed buyers shouted.

--------------

Meanwhile, the carriage was still hurtling through the street of Hogsmeade, Hippo clearly not stopping anytime soon.

"Guys?" James thumped the roof with his hands. "Can we make a stop somewhere please?"

"We've been trying to make a stop for the last five minutes," Remus clarified, bouncing in his seat as Hippo ran over yet another Hogsmeade bench.

"Well, what are we going to do then?" Lily questioned.

"We'll have to jump it," Sirius said.

The others burst into laughter.

"Jump? Don't be illogical," Remus said.

Sirius kept a straight face. "There's no other way, mate. Hippo's not going to stop so we'll just have to jump off."

"The pavement is hard, Sirius," Remus pointed out. "Although your head seems to be immune to heavy collisions, I'd like to keep the brain cells I have taken my life to produce."

"I think Padfoot's got a point," James said regretfully, drooling ever so slightly when they passed Honeydukes for the second time in two minutes (Hippo seemed to be circling the village for fun). "I'm getting hungry anyway."

"You're risking your head being impaled into the ground because of food?" Remus said indignantly.

James shrugged his shoulders, "Sure."

Lily laughed in disbelief. "No way am I jumping!" She shook her head at once. "No _bloody_ way am I—JAMES!"

She yelped as James picked her up by the waist and slung her over his shoulder.

"What are you doing?" She kicked her legs manically. "Potter!" she resolved back to use of his surname to get her anger across.

"Ah, the surname thing won't work on me. Only turns me on," James clarified, pushing open the carriage door. He tried to block his ears as Lily's cursing shook through him. "See you outside, Padfoot?" He thumped on the roof again.

"Yep," Sirius rolled back his sleeves, stretching to prepare himself for the hurling. "Just jump and roll, Prongs. It'll hurt less."

"That sounds like the same guidelines for when you're on fire," James said, squirming as Lily kicked him in the shin.

Sirius addressed Remus, "So… come on then, Moony."

"I am _not_ jumping!" Remus asserted firmly. "There is _no way_ I am jumping off this carriage."

"Remus, Remus, Remus," Sirius sighed, then quickly grabbed for Remus' top hat and pulled it down over his eyes.

"What the—_I can't see!_" Remus shrieked. He tried to pull the top hat upwards but it was stuck over haf his face.

"Perfect," Sirius smirked.

"What do you mean perf—_AAH_!"

Sirius picked Remus up and hurled him over his shoulder, with much struggling as Remus was not particularly light as Lily's frame was.

"Christ, Moony. What have you been eating lately?" Sirius tried to stable himself as he nearly toppled over.

"Right, on the count of three, then?" James suggested. He formed a steady breath out to calm his nerves as he watched the ground zoom past below him - perhaps this wasn't such a good idea...

"Okay," Sirius agreed. "One-"

Lily screamed as James jumped from the carriage and dived to the ground.

"You cheater!" Sirius shouted after him. "You're such a... mork!"

"What's a 'mork'?" Remus asked, though still annoyed that he was currently carried by his so-called friend who was also the reason for being temporarily blind.

"It's a concoction of 'moron' and 'dork'."

"That's rather clever."

"I know."

"Well, since I complimented you... why don't we _not_ jump and-"

"Nice try, Moony."

"Bugger."

Sirius took a deep breath before hurling himself off the carriage and onto the pavement; Remus was even more frightened as he was blind and couldn't see what was going.

In the meantime, James and Lily lay very uncomfortably on the street, finally making a stop after much revolving.

"Thanks for breaking my fall, James," Lily said, poking her elbows deliberately into his stomach she was on top of.

"I thought you broke my fall," he said with confusion.

"No...that's why you're currently used as my cushion," she gestured to her position on top of him.

"But if you're on top of me, who am I on top of?" He said in horror, realising he was indeed lying on a particular lump.

Lily pulled James to his feet, both gasping as they spotted the crippled old witch they had landed on.

"Sorry, miss," James apologized. "Er, don't sue us?" Lily rolled her eyes at the overused line that day.

"I can't move my legs..." the old biddy whispered.

"Um, good for you! Bye!" James quickly grabbed Lily's hand and ran down the street towards where Sirius and Remus had painfully landed.

"You know," Remus said in a strangled voice, "the person who forces the other to jump is normally the one to protect the other's fall."

"Really?" Sirius said with curiosity. "Never heard of that." He yawned, slowly getting to his feet as he'd been sitting on Remus' face.

"You guys okay?" asked James.

"Oh, I'm fine. Sirius just sat on my face, that's all," Remus responded dripping with sarcasm, wiping his cheeks.

"Hippo's gone," Sirius said in a hollow voice. He wiped a tear from his eye as he watched the Hippogriff stampede away, the carriage bumping along with her.

"I'm sure you'll have other opportunities to hump magical creatures."

Sirius gave Remus a Chinese burn.

"We'll see you guys later," James told his friends. "I booked a table for me and Lily at the new restaurant opened up."

Lily beamed a smile of surprise at such news, flattered that James had made such an effort.

"What restaurant? Where is it?" Sirius asked.

"I'm not telling you, you'll just follow us," James said, smirking. "Bye." He and Lily waved as they strolled down the street, surprisingly in close approximates of each other.

"So...what do we do now?" Remus broke the silence, watching the couple wander off.

"Spy on them under the cloak," Sirius revealed the invisibility cloak from the inside of his suit and shook it in front of Remus' disapproving face.

"You stole James' cloak _again_?"

"He really shouldn't hide it in his underwear drawer," Sirius shook the cloak animatedly in front of him once more.

"Fine," Remus gave in. "But we're not wearing the top hats because they won't fit under it."

"Spoilsport," muttered Sirius.

------------

"What do you mean my name isn't on the list?" James said, glaring at the burly man who stood in smart robes, holding a parchment on a clipboard tapping impatiently with his wand.

"Your name ain't on the list, mate," the man repeated, tapping the parchment of surnames. "No booking, no entry," he said simply.

"Check again, will you?" James pleaded, "A table for two. The name is Potter. P-o-t-"

"I know how to spell, _mate_," the man interrupted, pushing up his glasses. He glanced over the list and shook his head.

James tried to remain calm. "But I came here yesterday! Remember? The guy with the dark messy hair," he tried to trigger the man's mind, poking to his hair which was unfortunately covered by his tea cosy hat. "Glasses? You called me 'four eyes'?"

"Maybe if ya take yer hat off I might recognise you," the man compromised.

James paled. "Er, I'd rather not actually," not wanting to show his Snape hair in public. "Please, you don't want to disappoint my date now, do you?" He tilted his head towards the discomfited redhead beside him.

"I know your type," the man growled, closing on him. "Try and blab that your name is on the list when you aren't booked. Tryin' to get yourself in a fancy restaurant with your fancy bird."

Lily said a rather unsettled, "Excuse me?"

The rude man pointed his wand at them both. "Get out of here before I hex you!"

-------------

"Wow... A date in the Hog's head," Lily finally broke the silence a few minutes later. She glimpsed around the pub and sipped on her Butterbeer brewing in a filthy glass. "How... imaginative."

James reddened, "Sorry about the restaurant mix up. That guy at the door was a total mork."

Lily gave him a blank look.

"Oh, sorry," he chuckled. "It's one of Sirius' insults. A combination of the insults 'moron' and 'dork'," he explained.

"That's rather clever," Lily said with surprise.

"Don't make him catch you saying that."

She smiled, "So, do you come here often?"

James' eyes widened. "Lily Evans, are you hitting on me?"

She laughed. "No, James," she rolled her eyes. "I'm just asking if you always come to this pub. The Three Broomsticks seems to be more popular."

A loud shout of, "And I told him he was an anal buccaneer!" came from a corner of the room, followed by roars of laughter.

James bowed his head embarrassingly as Lily raised an eyebrow. "There's more...er, _real_ people here, I suppose. Different kinds of company, if you catch my drift."

Lily nodded understandingly, and then made a grimace as a drunken wizard came over to their table and leaned over her.

"You lookin' for a good time?" the badly shaved young man licked his lips at her.

"Not with you," she made clear.

"Do you come here often?" He began to slur, leaning closer to Lily, but James had stood up and dragged him by the arm, rolling his eyes.

"Sorry, Fletcher, she's with me," he clarified, pushing him on his away back to his table.

"Oh, sorry, James, mate," he apologized, wiping the back of his mouth. "Didn't see yer 'ere."

"That's because you're shit-faced, Fletcher," James laughed.

"Yes," he pointed a finger. "Very..._very _shit-faced."

"Lay off the whiskey, mate." James slapped his back, before leaving him to wallow in his alcohol and self-pity. He went back over to Lily shaking his head with a sheepish grin.

"Friend of yours?" she asked.

"Sleazy regular. Sorry 'bout that."

"You can stop apologizing, James," she told him. "I'm just gonna get another drink," she gestured to her empty glass and stood up, walking over to the bar.

"So, how's the date going?"

James jumped out of his skin as Sirius and Remus revealed themselves behind _his_ invisibilty cloak. Sirius gladly dragged up a chair for him and Remus, both sitting down whilst Sirius took generous gulps of James' Firewhiskey.

"Great until you guys showed up," James mumbled.

Sirius scoffed. "No it hasn't. We've been under the cloak for ten minutes watching and the most exciting thing that has happened is Fletchy hitting on Lily. You could cut the sexual tension between you and Evans with a spork."

James frowned, "Don't you mean a knife?"

"Spork is funnier to say, don't you think? _Spork_, a combination of a—"

"Spoon and fork," Remus finished. "Yes, we know."

James rolled his eyes, sneaking a look back at the bar to check if Lily had been molested by a drunken bum yet. "Why don't you guys go...er, follow Snape or something?" He attempted to lure them away.

"We did that," Sirius said.

_FLASHBACK_

"Ooo, look! A shop!" Sirius pointed, skipping under the invisibility cloak.

"Yes," Remus responded slowly. "There are many shops in Hogsmeade, Sirius."

"Ooo, look! A bird!" Sirius pointed to the sky where a bird was flying overhead.

"Yes, there are many birds in the Wizarding world," Remus gritted through his teeth.

"Ooo, look! A Snape!"

Remus looked up with mild interest at Sirius' mention that Severus Snape was a passing object. The moody boy walked gloomily past The Three Broomsticks, his head down as he hid behind his black hair.

"Um, can we go in the opposite direction?" Remus pleaded, not wanting to be anywhere near Snape since his exchange student from Jamaica persona: Rhiana Peenapul.

"BUT WE MUST FIND HIS NEST AND DESTROY THE EGGS!" Sirius cried, shaking Remus by the shoulders.

_END OF FLASHBACK_

"Then what happened?" James asked, not really paying attention as he kept his eyes on Lily.

"We followed him to many," Remus sighed, "_many_ bookshops. Sirius poked his back a few times under the cloak," he added.

Sirius giggled. "And he bought a few Potions and Dark Arts books. Then he went over to a Hogsmeade bench and started wanking-"

"He did not do that, Padfoot," Remus interrupted, disgusted by his imagination.

"Well, he was breathing a _bit too heavily _in my opinion."

"He always breathes like that. It's his big nose. He has some sort of permanent asthma. Anyway, Lily's coming back soon," James mentioned, hoping this would be a clear message to his friends to GO AWAY.

"Yes, we better go, Sirius," Remus realized. He pulled Sirius by the ear but his bottom was glued to his seat.

"But we haven't seen you all day, Prongs!" Sirius complained.

"You saw me an_ hour ago_."

"Well, who keeps track of time these days, eh?"

James smacked his head against the table. "You are such a pain in my arse, Padfoot," he mumbled against the wood.

"I think he's a pain in everyone's arse actually," Remus corrected, whistling and turning away as if he hadn't said the remark.

"Well, why don't we let the arse speak for itself, shall we?" James said.

There was confused silence.

Sirius looked on blankly. "What do you—?"

"Oh!" James sounded delighted. "Listen, do you hear that? The arse speaks now!"

Sirius finally got the joke and mumbled, "Butt much."

"Can you please refrain from using my arse in this conversation?" Remus asked politely.

"No," Sirius folded his arms. "You cannot excuse your arse. You can excuse the whole of your body, like excusing 'yourself' when you burp or fart. But you can't excuse one particular part of your body, like an ear. Or in this case: your arse."

Remus scoffed. "Was there some sort of logic behind that sentence? Because if there was, I did not understand it."

James stroked his chin, "I wonder how many times the word 'arse' has been used in this converation?"

"Eight times," Remus answered automatically. James nodded thoughtfully, then brightened as Lily joined the table again, returning with her glass of Butterbeer.

"I see the guys have joined us," Lily noted as she sat down next to James.

"They were just leaving," James said.

"After I finish my Firewhiskey," Sirius added, raising his glass for a toast.

"Well, drink slow and safely," James gritted through his teeth. "I wouldn't want you to _choke_ or anything." His eyes noticeably bulged.

"So, what were you guys talking about?" Lily asked curiously.

"Arses," Sirius said.

"Nine times," Remus said counting.

Lily raised her eyebrows. "Arses?" she repeated.

"Ten."

"What intellectual conversations you have," Lily said dryly, her knee knocking against James' and making him spill the entire contents of his Butterbeer down his front and on Remus' right cheek. "I mean, with subjects such as a dark wizard rising in the world, politics and global warming; you choose to talk about arses."

"Eleven."

"You have one mighty fine arse by the way," James purred in Lily's ear, somehow finding a new confidence in himself because Lily's knee had touched his, which could have been considered as an accident. "_Mrs Potter_," he added.

There was complete and utter silence and everyone in the Hog's head seemed to stop what they were doing, turning their heads to stare at James because of his, albiet, very stupid words.

"Er," Lily blushed furiously. "What did you just call me?"

James whitened, looking at his two friends across him who were not helping with their wide open mouths. "I said you had one mighty fine arse and then I just _STOPPED TALKING_." He grabbed Remus' Butterbeer and hit behind it, which only magnified his fearful eyes in the curve of the glass, purely horrified by his slip of the tongue.

"Right, I'm just going to the bathroom," Lily squeaked, jumping to her feet and hurrying off to the barman for directions.

"Mate," Sirius had another gulp of his Firewhiskey and slammed it back on the table, the alcohol affects only _slightly_ effecting him. "You're ability to scare off women is," he slurred, pausing for the perfect words to describe that horrifying moment, "sodding unbelievable."

"I hate you." James slammed his head on the table again.

Remus massaged his head. "Why did you just call Lily your future wife?"

"I dunno," James groaned dramatically. "It slipped out of my mouth before I could process it in my brain..."

"Butt munch," Sirius snickered into his glass.

"I mean, I can understand a female making the same mistake, because women are stereotyped to having dreams of a 'big white wedding' since they were a young age," Remus said in theory. "But you're a guy, James."

"Hmm, I noticed definite uncertainty in your voice then, Moony." He feigned a glare at Remus. "Maybe I should go check on Lily..."

"Prongs," Remus sighed. "If you sit and wait eventually everything will sort out by itself." It was clear he was hinting to James that he should just leave Lily in the bathroom to compose herself for a moment, not make everything worse like he always did.

"Yeah, sure, Moony." James patted him on the shoulder. In barely seconds, he'd ran off towards the girls bathroom.

"Mork," Remus couldn't help but mutter.


	14. A 'dodgy' door and a drunken Sirius

**Chapter 14**

Lily hurried her way around the tables of the Hog's head and straight up to the barman with long hair and a very grumpy face.

"Um, 'scuse me?"

"What?" he grunted.

Lily tried not to lose her nerve and considered going back over to James and the boys, but frankly she needed to pee and didn't want to redden even more as she overanalyzed why, when, and how James had figured her as wife potential.

"Is there a bathroom in here?"

The surly man pointed over to a battered door of a bathroom, displaying the barely readable words of 'Witch'.

"Watch the door though," he warned her.

"Sure," Lily said slowly, not quite understanding the caution and just the teensiest bit freaked out. She quickly went over to the 'Witch' bathroom and was met with a piece of parchment stuck with spellotape glued to the door. It read, in barely readable writing, _Don't_ _close completely. Door's dodgy_.

"Right..." She said again slowly, but nonetheless pushed the door open, leaving a gap as the wise parchment had said.

As she pushed open the door, she was swiftly met with the aroma of urine and a smell so horrible that it reminded her of Hippo the Hippogriff's bag of rat munchies. The bathroom was pretty much the same condition as the rest of the pub: covered in dirt and grime.

Without making any hesitations, she rushed in to one of the cubicles to relieve herself. She frowned as she read the 'cryptic' messages on the cubicle walls of 'SIRIUS WAS HERE BEFORE U!' And another written note of 'JAMES POTTER WANTS LILY EVANS' BABIES' scribbled out and written to the side, 'PADFOOT, STOP WRITING STUFF ABOUT ME', and then another message underneath of 'I CAN WRITE WOTEVA I WANT MATE. I AM THE KING OF CUBICLE WALL WRITING'. With many, _many_ more scribbling lines and insults of Sirius and James' conversation, ending with the line "YOUR MOTHER. HAR HAR!"

"God, I'm in a girl's bathroom..."

"James?" Lily screeched, from sitting on the toilet; it wasn't one of the most romantic moments.

"Hey," James tried to say in a casual tone. He ambled his way over to one of the bathroom mirrors and rubbed at it, trying to find his reflection. "You alright?"

"Well," Lily began in a slightly hysterical tone, "I'm down to my last tampon if you wanted to know considering you're in a girl's bathroom...Which I believe is not the first time," she referred to the cubicle wall scribbling.

"What?" James paled. "I-I've never been in here before...nope. Nada."

"Did you just say '_nada_'?" Lily laughed. "So, what exactly are you doing in here?"

James fumbled with his tea cosy hat self-consciously and sat on one of the sinks. "I, er, just wanted to check if you'd ditched me for calling you my future wife." He flushed. "Sorry 'bout that. I was joking...Haha...ha..." His laughs trailed off into a sigh and a slap to his forehead.

"It was such a _funny_ joke," Lily said feebly, although inside she thought the joke was so bad it may have given her cancer. "_So funny _I nearly wet myself laughing so I had to go to the toilet."

James gave her an unconvinced look as she came out of the cubicle, forcing laughter to show she was still recovering.

"Seriously, James." She turned to him as she washed her hands, though the water was so dirty it seemed to make them more unclean. "Let's just forget you said it, alright?"

James nodded eagerly which made Lily laugh.

"Just as long as you don't start naming our kids-"

"Harry," James blurted out, instantly clamping a hand over his mouth.

Lily's eyes widened. "W-what?"

"EVERYTHING ALRIGHT?" Remus said loudly, making a hard knock from the doorway of the bathroom. James exchanged a very thankful look with Remus for interrupting at the appropriate time.

"Come in, Moony," James waved from the sink. "Welcome to our humble abode."

Remus made a glance at the parchment cautionary note and turned to the couple. "Should I be worried by this?"

"Nah," James batted a hand, "just leave a gap."

Remus shrugged his shoulders and stepped inside the bathroom in cautious steps, leaving the door slightly open and shutting away the raucous laugher from the bar outside.

"I've always wondered what a women's bathroom is like," Remus said thoughtfully. He gazed around the room and made a definite grimace. "I suppose I'll still be wondering." The bathroom was clearly too disgusting to be fit for humans.

"You guys are either very brave for coming in here, or incredibly stupid," Lily acknowledged.

Remus cringed, "Maybe we should be getting back." He looked at James who was getting strangely comfortable sitting in a sink. "Er…We left Sirius with our drinks and...well, do I need to elaborate?"

James made a knowing nod. The three of them walked towards the exit when suddenly-

"HEY! Where's the par-taaaay?" Sirius cheered, storming in the bathroom and slamming the door shut behind him.

"NOO!" Remus and Lily cried.

"God, who says 'partaay' anymore," James gave Sirius a 'you're-so-not-in-the-times' look. Remus and Lily eyed him with disbelief. "I mean...No!" He made his late attempt to join in their shouting.

"What?" Sirius quickly put his hands in the air and backed up. "I didn't do it," he quickly dismissed, but didn't know exactly what he was dismissing.

"Didn't you read the sign, moron?" Lily yelled, waving her hands which she seemed to have no control over as they threatened to slaughter him.

Sirius held a face of usual confusion. "Sign?"

"There was a sign on the door that said '_Don't close completely. Door's dodgy_'," Remus explained with glaring.

"What? You mean _this _door?" Sirius said in a voice with total disbelief and pointed at it. "But I don't see it." He looked the door up and down and trailed his hands over it.

"That's because it was at the _front_ of the door and you _closed_ it," James hissed.

"Oh," Sirius said. "That's just _silly_ though! _So silly_! I mean, the sign should have been put in a _better_ place for _me_ to see it." He held a hand to his chest with extra importance.

"What? On the inside of your eyelids?" James said sharply. Remus, nor the others, could understand a better place to put the sign about a door then _on the door itself_.

"Well, what did the sign mean by dodgy anyway? What, it would lock us in here or something?" Sirius turned the door handle and to his dismay, but not the others surprise, it did not budge.

Remus massaged his head and murmured, "Precisely."

Sirius shook the door handle again.

"We're trapped in here, aren't we?" James asked for a confirmation.

Sirius tugged the door handle until he pulled it so hard it came off and made a clunk to the floor.

Glaring was very much focused on him.

"Minor setback!" Sirius chuckled nervously and grasped the door handle again, sticking the piece of Droobles chewing gum in his mouth to the back of it. He spent a few minutes forcing the door handle back with much pounding, but only concluded in a few bathroom ceiling tiles somehow dropping from the impact. The group screamed as they dodged the tiles, leaving the ceiling pretty much destroyed and the room clouded up with dust. The boys decided this was a definite sign that escape was hopeless.

"Come on, guys," Lily said, trying to lift their spirits. "Are you forgetting we do magic? Nothing is impossible with our wands." She waved her wand in front of her with a smug smile.

Five minutes later and after many unsuccessful spells...

"What's the point of having magic when it won't help you to get out of a BLOODY LOCKED BATHROOM!" Lily shouted, making another kick at the door.

Instead of James calming her down, he admired the slight dent she had made. "Keep doing that kicking thing, Lils," he said, leaning back on the dirty mirror as he had returned back to his seat of the sink. "You can kick the door down for us."

Lily made a huff of annoyance. "You're men, aren't you?" she directed the question to the three boys who were moping in different parts of the bathroom. "You're supposed to be strong. Manly." She gestured a posed manly arm with a tough face. The boys looked at her blankly. "For God's sake, use your apparent _manly_ muscles and _punch the door down_!"

The boys broke into laughter, which quickly died when Lily gave them a stern look.

"Remus?" she looked at him, waving a hand to the door, signalling his chance to punch the door with his Remus Lupin fists of...steel?

"Lily, you're talking to the bookworm here," Remus reminded her. He drew another line on the dirty mirror, signalling seven minutes of being locked in the bathroom. "These hands," he displayed his palms in front of him, "are only used to turn the pages of books...And smack Sirius upside the head."

Sirius made an eager nod of the head.

"How about you?" Lily turned to him.

Sirius held his fists up to her, "These fists," he quickly opened them, "are used for fondling and groping." He smiled roguishly and made squeezing actions in the air with his perverted fingers.

"Whatever, Mr. Verbal Diarrhoea," Lily turned away from Sirius and met James's eyes. "How about you?" She made one of her most attractive smiles which she used to her advantage to try and get James to pound the door down.

He picked up his jaw from the floor and stopped thinking of how her teeth reminded him of pearly white gravestones. "I'm sorry, what?"

"Punch the door down," Lily repeated clearly.

James cringed, "Well, my hands are really only used for-"

"Wanking," Sirius suggested.

"Putting in you hair?" Remus also helped.

Lily looked at James inquisitively.

"_Quidditch_ was what I was going to say."

Lily sighed and muttered, "You boys are weaklings," then returned back to kicking the door.

Another five minutes later...

"_Sooooo_," Sirius banged on knees for a drum beat, "_Bye-bye, miss American pie! Drove my chevy to the levee but the levee was dry_!"

James grabbed Remus by the shoulders with near tears in his eyes. "It's because he listens to that Muggle radio…and also he's drunk. Make him stop, Moony! Making him stop..." He broke into whimpers.

"_And them good old boys were drinkin' Firewhiskey and rye, singin', this'll be the day that I die!_"

"Die!" James shouted.

"Oo, joining in the singing, Prongs?" Sirius said with delight, thinking James was doing backup singing when he was actually shouting death threats. "_This'll be the day that I die!_"

"DIE!" James screamed again.

Sirius made a final slam into his knees to signal the end of the song. Making a bow from the bathroom floor, he asked energetically, "So, any requests?"

"Request to _shut up_," Remus muttered. He slumped against the bathroom wall in a sitting position and found a worn cigarette next to his foot. He picked it up and examined it with interest.

Lily looked at him strangely. "Do you smoke?" She asked him, assuming he did as he was admiring the cigarette intently.

"No-"

"_Dun dun duh-nah, dun dun duh-na_-"

"But I'm considering," Remus gritted through his teeth, smacking Sirius again for the umpteenth time.

After fifteen minutes of the bathroom lock-in, James was complaining of hunger, so Sirius -as the considerate friend he was- searched food for him...from the floor.

"What have you got, Padfoot?" James asked, picking up something brown from the sink that resembled chocolate. He popped it into his mouth and started chewing.

It wasn't chocolate.

He quickly spat it out and started scraping his tongue.

Sirius' arse stuck boldly in the air as he examined the floor closely, making the sound of scraping with his fingernails as he tried to unglue a possible object of food from the dirty tiles. "Er, a melted chocolate frog!" he announced elatedly.

"Great!"

"_Not _great, actually," Sirius disappointed James. "It has files on it. Not so much of the chocolate. Much of the fly," he explained.

"So basically, it's a chocolate sticky fly?" Remus guessed, making another line of the passing minutes on the mirror.

"Yep."

"What else?" asked James.

"A used piece of gum," Sirius said. "And oh," he made a squeamish sound. "I don't think _that's_ edible...even if it is strawberry flavoured."

Lily scrunched up her face. "What is it?" She asked from the opposite side of the room.

Sirius picked up the red elastic object with his wand. "A used-"

"Never mind," Lily interrupted, blocking her young ears.

Remus groaned in annoyance as he sat in front of the door, trying to slide his hand under the door and stretch out his fingers for help.

"Moony, there is no gap under the door. You do realise that, right?" James said uncertainly, slightly worried for Remus' lack of usual wisdom.

Remus made another groan and continued to slam his sliding hand into the door, even though the door was touching the ground and there wasn't even the _slightest_ space in between.

A hurl of vomit was made.

"You alright, Padfoot?" James asked warily, glancing over at Sirius who'd just emptied his stomach…on a cubicle wall.

"He's not a good drunk," Remus explained.

"I am a good drunk!" Sirius argued, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. "I can handle my alchoolio." However, he was undermined by the fact that he'd just been sick and missed the toilet and his hair was plastered to his face.

"Return back to your post, Sirius," Lily ordered, chucking a loo roll at his head.

"What?" Sirius said blankly. He picked up the toilet roll and tore off a strip, depositing it in to his mouth without any hesitation.

"Toilet roll isn't edible, Sirius," Remus said from the floor. "James, will you please keep an eye on him? He's a child; he'll put anything in his mouth. Last time he was stuck in the hospital wing for a week for swallowing a chew toy."

"Oh yeah!" James giggled in reminiscing. "That chewy bone!"

Lily opened her mouth with much disturbance but decided not to converse on Sirius' stomach control. "Sirius, go back to your post," she ordered again.

"What post?" He slurred.

Lily rolled her eyes. "Go back to screaming for help at the door," she said in words that a dog would understand.

"Ooo, I can do that!" he said, proud of being given the responsibility. He scrambled up to the door, unfortunately stepping on Remus who had still been slamming his hand under the nonexistent gap.

Sirius took in a deep breath, sucking in his chest.

"Oh no," James muttered, covering his hands over Lily's ears for safety. For a second there was deep eye contact between them which could be considered as a rather romantic moment, but was ruined by Sirius' ear-piercing scream of 'HELP!'

His mouth opened wide, his nose scrunched up and eyes frighteningly bulgy as he opened his jaw, spit trailing from the top of his teeth to the bottom. He bent his head in a slightly unnatural way with clawed hands in the air for the added affect.

"HELP, WE'RE STUCK IN HERE!" Sirius screamed against the door. "HELLO!"

"That is alarming," Remus commented, hands over his ears. Sirius very much resembled some sort of disfigured, saliva spitting demon, and the top hat didn't even hinder the fact.

"HELP!" Sirius screamed again. "HELLO?"

"Hello?" A voice on the other side of the door called. The sixth years instantly got to their feet.

"HELLO?" Sirius repeated again.

"Hello?"

"HELLO?"

"Hello?"

"HELLOOOO?"

"I will not repeat myself again," the voice said sternly.

Sirius brightened and bounced on his feet. "Someone's answering!" He identified the obvious, pointing at the door. "We're saved-"

James pressed a hand to Sirius' mouth, his eyes wide accompanied with a face full of fear. The others looked at him tensely; this could have been considered as a serious moment for once.

"No," James trembled. "That's...that's-"

"BLACK!"

The group made inserts of gasps.

"Are you in there?" McGonagall demanded an answer. "You and your Gryffindor housemates!"

The group tried to hold their breath, as if breathing would give them away to the professor. They gave up when certain members turned red after only five seconds or turned the odd colour of fuchsia.

"What are we going to do?" James hissed, lowering his voice.

Remus sighed, "Maybe we should just say we're in here so she can get us out?"

James and Sirius snorted, and even Lily couldn't help but agree with them, but didn't want to snort because it was a little unattractive and didn't want to show her self to have the same opinion as Sirius Black.

"We're in deep cack, Moony!" James reminded him. "If she finds us in here, she'll yap her head off about the whole carriage thing."

"You do realise that McGonagall will punish us the second we return back to school," Remus pointed out.

"_Yes_, but we want to delay the punishment as long as we can."

"Your theories are mind boggling."

"OPEN THIS DOOR, NOW!"

"This is so foobed," Sirius said. Lily made yet another frown at the unrecognisable word.

"Maybe we can hide or something," Lily suggested, "In the cubicle!"

"What?"

"You know," Lily said in a tone which wants people to know what you're talking about when they really don't and never will. "Just hide in the cubicle, shut the door and stand on the toilet so they don't see your feet!" The boys gave her unconvinced looks. "It works in the Muggle films, alright!"

"That's normally when the serial killer stabs a knife into the cubicle wall and through your head," Sirius said with a wince.

"Well, I don't see you thinking up anything good, wanker!"

"Hel-lo?" Sirius said with deliberation. "The 'not breathing' thing was a good plan!"

Remus shook his head and muttered something very similar to the words of, "Bloody kids..."

"Isn't there anywhere else to hide?" James queried, hitting a few wall tiles for a nonexistent secret panel out of the smelly bathroom.

Lily smirked. "Someone could always fit in the sanitary towel disposal bin."

"Ooo, Prongs is stretchy!" Sirius said jovially. James made a hiss of "shut up" because Lily was wondering exactly how he knew James' stretchiness. "We can try and bend him into it."

"Wouldn't it smell?" James made a sniff of the air. "And be occupied by...er, feminine nappies-"

"Sanitary towels," Lily corrected.

"Whatever," James said, wanting to keep the subject away from feminine parts.

Their head's turned to the sound of a bang and unsuccessful curse behind the door, someone trying to enter but failing terribly.

Lily ran a hand through her hair, wondering if she could possibly claim innocence to McGonagall by blaming it all on the boys who had kidnapped her- which was partly true. Wondering if the added lies of them obliterating her mind would be necessary, the single bathroom window caught her eye.

Sirius followed her gaze and made a triumphant cheer. "The window, of course!" He made an arrogant laugh which turned into coughing up phlegm, still feeling slightly nauseous from the Firewhiskey. "How amazing am I to think of that amazing plan of amazingness."

"You cannot use the word 'amazing' that many times," Remus said, "It's unethical. You are abusing the English language."

Lily made a cry of outburst, pushing aside Remus' correction, which was not heard much to his annoyance. "Your idea? What do you mean 'your idea', wanker?" Sirius quirked his eyebrow at Lily's nickname which she had adopted for him.

"I don't jerk off all the time, y'know," Sirius said, thinking this shared information would be appreciated.

It was not.

"What did I say about disturbing conversations, Padfoot?" Remus smacked him upside the head. "What did I say, huh? What did I bloody say?" He grabbed the abandoned toilet roll and started ripping strips off, stuffing them in his gob to shut him up.

"I was just saying she doesn't have to keep calling me 'wanker' all the time," Sirius pouted and more tissue was stuffed into his mouth. "Redheads are incredibly rude," he rambled on, whilst James winced and shook his head, begging him to shut up as Lily got more annoyed.

"Oh, you're so funny, Sirius," she said sarcastically. "Is it because of your celibacy?"

Sirius opened his mouth in indignation. "Oi, I'll have you know," he wagged his finger at her, "that I snogged Marlene Simmons in the broom closet just last night!"

James put a hand to his shoulder and said, "And we have the outmost respect for you for doing that."

"Oh, that's nice, Sirius. _Real nice_," Lily said dryly. "And how long exactly have you been going out?"

Sirius frowned. "Who said we were going out?"

Remus put his head in his hands as Lily's laughter broke into the air.

"Oh, _that is it_," Sirius said, rolling up his sleeves in what he thought was an aggressive manner. Unfortunately, in the sleeve rolling he had pulled it up a little too forcefully, causing the sleeve to rip off. "I meant to do that. It was my raging muscles bulging out!"

James and Lily tried to hold back a snigger.

"Bring it," Sirius said, and blinked; his vision was getting slightly blurry from the amount of alcohol he'd consumed.

Lily cocked her head to one side. "What?"

"Bring it."

Remus made a familiar embarrassed shake of the head.

"Bring _what_ exactly?" Lily said confusedly.

"Bring it ON!" Sirius swished his hands in the air in what he thought were karate-like moves, though to Lily it looked like he was doing some sort of odd dance or peculiar swimming in air.

"Oh lord, you are a making an utter fool of yourself, Sirius. _Please stop_," Remus begged.

"Don't get involved, Moony," Sirius said dramatically, and turned back to Lily, making 'HIYAH!' noises with chopping hands. This would have looked impressive if he didn't have toilet roll dribbling from his mouth, making him appear he had rabies.

"I am going to wound you now," Lily said with odd delight, cracking a knuckle. "I don't know when I'll stop."

James felt himself melt - he should have felt sympathy for Sirius, or at least jump in to save the person who was of real importance in his life -Lily Evans, of course- because she won over many best-friend-or-very-attractive-girl situations.

"I'm going to kick your redhead arse," Sirius warned her. He made another kick in the air but unfortunately lost balance and tumbled into Remus, who pushed him into some sort of standing position.

"_I_ am going to remove your testicles," Lily said in a deadly tone. "One at a time to prolong the agony of one going without the other."

Remus stepped in between them, placing a hand on both of their heads, shoving them away. "Alright children, that's enough."

"Lily, remove his testicles later," James suggested, as if it were an everyday chore. "That's if he has any," he said in a cough, making Lily instantly shine to him. "Now back to the window plan. I'll give Lily boost up and push her through the window first."

The group looked at the small window; much emphasis on the word 'small'.

"James, that window is the size of your head," Lily pointed out.

"Abnormally large, then?" Sirius assumed.

"_What are you doing_?" James hissed at him. "It's like you want me to let go of Lily so she'll rip off your balls!"

Another explosion was heard outside the door and frustrated shout of "Oh for Merlin's sake!" from Professor McGonagall.

"We can use a spell," Remus suggested quickly, "An enlargement spell of some sort that'll last a few minutes until we escape."

Sirius made an amused smile at Remus' quick thinking. "Spoken like a true prankster, my Marauder."

"Or a convicted villain," Lily muttered.

"Right," James rubbed his hands together and revealed his wand from his back pocket. Pointing it at the window, he made a swish and incantation, making the window slightly larger.

"The window is very high up. Very high indeed," Lily acknowledged, and feeling as if the window got higher with every passing word.

James put out his hands together for Lily to hoist her foot on to and pushed her up on to his shoulders - this was very uncomfortable. Not only was Lily wearing a skirt but her thighs were pressed very warmly to James' cheeks making him flush a thousand reds.

"Take your time, Lily," James gritted through his teeth sarcastically, sweat dripping off his brow from not only being so close to her limbs but by the weight of the girl on his shoulders.

"Well, move closer to the window, then!" she said crossly.

She reached out her arms again for the window ledge that was at least a couple of feet away because James was stumbling back, tripping over toilet roll.

"Christ, James, you're making a career out of this," Sirius said. "Wait a second; I know what's going on. You're purposely slipping on toilet rolls so you'll stumble and make Lily thrust against your head and touch her thighs on your face!" He made an audible disgusted gasp. "DIRTY MINDED BOY!"

"You placed that toilet roll there, Padfoot," Remus reminded him.

Sirius gave him yet another Chinese burn, the second of that day.

"Do you think our friendship is mostly based on scolding each other?" Remus asked him, rubbing his arm.

"No," Sirius patted his shoulder in a reassuring way. "It's also based on teasing, bantering and babbling. Oh, and physical violence."

"A little closer, James," Lily said, stretching her arm out for the window. James made a _giant_ step forward, and Lily's head smacked against the window pane. "Not that close, ignoramus!"

"Bugger, sorry," James apologized, now sweating buckets off his face. He made a sigh of relief as Lily pushed the window open and climbed through, getting off James' shoulders. As Lily crouched through the gap she made a slight shriek as she jumped off the window to the other side, landing in the alley outside of the Hog's head.

"You okay?" James called.

She waved a hand from the other side of the window and yelled a, "Yeah."

"Okay, I'm next." James faced his friends and eyed them both, eventually settling on Remus. "Can you boost me up, Moony?"

Remus nodded and put out his hands out as James had done with Lily. James, however, had other ideas. Snorting, he pushed Remus forward so he was bent over. As the boy tried to shout protest, James quickly stepped on to his flat back and hoisted himself on to the window.

"Hey, how come you chose Moony over me?" Sirius pouted. "I'm strong too, you know."

"Sorry, drunken rabid boy." James made a frown at Sirius' toilet roll filled mouth. "Moony's an undercover werewolf," he reminded him out of Lily's earshot.

"Well, I'm an..." Sirius fumbled for an impressive occupation. "An...er, undercover...Sex God! That's right!"

James scoffed, and unfortunately as he tried to balance himself on the window ledge, fell forward with a high-pitched scream, flat face on to the pavement of the alley.

Lily stood over him, and noted, "Your sense of counterbalance is amazing, James."

He tilted his head up to look at her, but her position had been badly chosen as she stood over him where his eyes peeked in a direct line of under her skirt. He made a goofy face and murmured, "Nice angle..."

Lily stomped on his face.

"Ooo, I heard foot stomping!" Sirius said as he bounced on his feet, making dog-like jumps at the window so he could see what was going on outside. "What's going on?"

"James probably looked up Lily's skirt or something," Remus muttered knowingly.

"Har-bastard-bloody-har," James' voice called outside.

Remus straightened. "Okay, I'm next," he decided.

Sirius narrowed his eyes. "How come you get to go next?"

"Because we're going in alphabetical order."

"But Lily went before James and the letter 'L' is after 'J'."

"Alphabetical order starting from _now_," Remus stated, surprised at how Sirius knew the alphabet, especially when he'd just drank Firewhiskey.

"But 'S' is before 'R' isn't it? No, wait, let me check. A, b, c..."

Or maybe not.

"Sirius, just bend over," Remus said, then instantly regretted his words as his childish friend erupted into immature giggles.

"Who's bending over?" James called from inside. "Poofs!"

"Sorry, Moony. I don't bend in that way," Sirius teased.

Remus made a hellish glare. "_Bend over before I bite you_."

"Yes, sir," Sirius cowered, flattening his back. Remus made a grumble and stepped on to him, stabling himself and using Sirius as an odd sort of surfboard.

"Ow, you're digging your bloody heels into my back!" Sirius complained. "Muh-oony!"

Remus made a stomp into his back. "Sorry didn't realise!" He made another kick, making Sirius mumble, "Bloody werewolves and their bad tempers." Remus latched his hands onto the window ledge and managed to crouch on his knees.

"I don't think we thought this plan through, Padfoot."

"I know. I only just realised."

"You don't know what I'm talking about, do you."

"No bloody idea."

Remus rolled his eyes. "How are we going to get _you_ through now?" Another pound at the door was heard. "Although, I could just leave you to McGonagall."

Sirius burst into fake sobbing and cried, "Take me with you, Moony! Don't leave me!"

Remus squirmed. "Alright, calm down. I'll somehow pull you up," he told him, but knew this plan would dubiously fail in a matter of seconds.

Remus bent down his arms which Sirius jumped and held on to and managed to pull him up. Unfortunately, there not being enough window ledge for the both of them and the impact of the pulling causing Remus to fall back on to the pavement.

"_Oh,_ that'll hurt in the morning," Remus muttered from the ground. As he brushed himself off and got to his feet, he looked up at the window and burst into hysterical laughter.

"S'not funny, Moony!"

"Oh, it is," Remus insisted. He took in every aspect of the picture in front of him so it would be preserved in his brain for ever: Sirius stuck in a window with a highly peeved face and a scowl larger than Snape's.

Remus snickered. "What happened, Padfoot? Is your butt too big to fit through the window?"

Sirius wagged a finger at him. "You bloody well know what happened! James' bloody charm wore off! Where the hell is he? Where's Evans?"

Remus looked around, noticing the couple to have disappeared. He spotted the two running off down the alley laughing.

"They left," Remus smiled.

Sirius looked comically enraged. "Oh, I'll get that twonk! Mark my words!"

"I doubt you'll be able to 'get him', Remus quoted, "considering you're stuck in a window."

"Get me out of here!" Sirius shrieked, waving his arms and legs.

Remus scratched his chin and comfortably leaned against the alley wall. "Hmm, I don't know..."

"What do you mean you don't know?"

"I think you'd be rather useful just stuck in a window."

"How so?" Sirius said hysterically. "So people can point and laugh at me?"

As if on cue, a small wizard passed the alley, and then doubled back spotting Sirius stuck in the window. He came over, made a very rude point of the finger with an audible "HAR HAR," and ran off.

"C'mon," Remus laughed. "You've got to admit that was funny."

Sirius determinedly kept his mouth in a downwards position and forced himself not to chuckle. "I don't know where this..._evil_..._torture-loving_ self from within you suddenly came from," he said with horror. "If you were stuck in a window, I would help you straight away!"

Remus barked a laugh.

"Okay, so maybe," Sirius gave in, "_maybe, _I would pull down your pants, smear bird food to your buttocks with peanut butter -to make it sticky, of course- and watch pigeons peck at your arse and rape you from the behind." Remus gaped at him in horror. "But I would definitely help you after five minutes."

Remus checked his watch and shrugged. "Well, it has been roughly five minutes of babbling." He grabbed his wand from his suit pocket and was about to mutter an incantation, until the sound of a bursting door opening made him freeze.

"Ha! There you are!" McGonagall shouted, making a grab of Sirius' legs, trying to stop his escape.

"NO! SHE'S GOT ME, MOONY! SHE'S GOT MEEE!" Sirius yelled. "HELP!" He resolved back to his earlier insane, bulging eyes, wide mouth and spit trailing demeanour. "HELP!"

Remus quickly fumbled with his wand and waved it at the window, making it instantly enlarge and deposit Sirius to the floor. He scrambled to his feet, making a horrifying look along with Remus at the beady eyes of the professor, popping up every few seconds at the window as she jumped to see them.

"Get back here!" McGonagall screamed in frustration.

Sirius grabbed Remus by the neck and dragged him down the alley, both sprinting as fast as possible to the main street of Hogsmeade, leaving the furious professor's shouts behind them.

---------------

James and Lily sat on the bench, surrounded by darkness apart from a few twinkling stars that reminded you of Dumbledore's eyes or one of the brightest stars named 'Sirius' which made James feel like he was being mocked by a burning ball of gas. Their breaths clouded white in the chilly air, both watching the Shrieking Shack with comfortable silence.

"Do you want to move a bit closer?" Lily asked.

James' eyes widened. "To the Shrieking shack?" he assumed.

"No, to me, stupid. You're so far off the edge of the bench you'll fall off in a second," Lily laughed.

"What? No I-"

He suddenly slipped off the side of the bench and on to the grass, unfortunately leaving James with a dirty patch on his jeans that many people would question later to how it had been caused.

He chuckled, "I see your point," sitting back on to the bench closer to Lily where their shoulders touched and kept each other company.

"So...have you enjoyed the date?" James asked casually, yet her answer meant everything to him.

"It's definitely been...unusual," Lily stated.

_Unusual_. He wasn't sure whether to interpret that answer as a good or bad comment.

"I have to admit, all that hiding and running away from Professor McGonagall was fun," Lily smiled surprisingly. "You know, kind of dangerous and exhilarating."

"That's what it's like everyday for a Marauder," James sighed. "I'll be surprised if I don't have grey hair by the time I'm twenty from all this stress."

"So," Lily said in odd shyness. "Uh...maybe we should-"

James' heart leapt. Was Lily Evans going to actually ask to kiss-

"Get back to Hogwarts," she finished.

James wondered if it was possible to die of disappointment, but nonetheless, forced a smile and said warmly, "Yeah, sure."

Just as he was about to straighten his knees and seize Lily's hand to hold as he walked her back to school, a sudden explosion was heard from the Shrieking Shack making the couple jump back in surprise. They watched as fireworks erupted from the dilapidated building; blinding colours shooting and swirling into the sky leaving glittering trails behind.

"Wow, it's beautiful," Lily said, her eyes following the fireworks bursting in all directions. She turned to James who was just as startled by how the fireworks quickly appeared out of nowhere. "Did you do this?"

"Er..." James contemplated whether to accept the glory of this fireworks plan that was probably conjured by his fellow Marauders. "Well-"

Another bang was heard, making them both turn to the sky again. In a shoot of fireworks, the sparkles of light had started to move and form the words in the sky: _James Potter did this for you, Lily Evans!_

"I, er, do believe I did," James tried to mask his surprise, reading the message in the sky before making a lopsided grin to Lily that he was a genius to have done such advanced magic. Another boom was heard where glittery letters broke into the air as the words, _You rock my wizarding world _thattrailed across the heavens before disappearing in the black.

"You rock my wizarding world?" Lily read aloud, pursing her lips together.

"Yeah...that was a bad one," James commented, about to run a hand embarrassingly through his hair but cursed when his tea cosy hat prevented it.

Yet another bang exploded in the sky and they watched once more, gleaming letters crystallizing into the sentence, _Your beauty stupefies me_.

James really wished that the firework messages would stop because it was getting a little humiliating and he knew other classmates could probably see these 'private' bulletins.

He winced, preparing himself for the possible shouting he would get from Lily or tormenting at how cheesy this romantic notion had been. But when he looked at her, she made a bashful smile and was _blushing_.

"That's the sweetest thing anyone's ever done for me..." Lily's lips curled into a definite smile.

And for once, James thanked his unlucky stars that he had three odd and unhelpful friends who had possibly done the best deed for him in sixth years of Hogwarts, which he would have to make up with never-ending galleons and probably doing their homework essays.

James licked his lips in anticipation -which looked a bit peculiar as if he were about to devour a succulent meal- and reached a trembling hand to the back of Lily's neck, inching towards her lips.

_BANG!_

Lily's head turned sharply towards the firework, making James miss her mouth and give a delectable peck to her ear. He made an unsatisfied whimper.

"There's another message forming in the fireworks," Lily murmured, her eyes mesmerised by the blinding colours.

"Really?" James said absentmindedly. "I'm not really interesting in the fireworks anymore..." He tried to redirect his mouth around her cheek and onto her lips.

"Pervert!"

"W-what?" James broke off, slightly taken aback.

Before he could comprehend what was happening, Lily pushed his hand roughly away from him and got to her feet. As he tried to understand what was going on, the redhead had stomped away. He watched with bewilderment as her figure got smaller and smaller in the distance.

"_Lily?_ _Lily, where are you going_?" He shouted after her, annoyed that she did not reply.

"What the...I...she...EH?" James tried to form a sentence but was too confounded by what had just happened. He made a deep frown and finally turned his eyes to the sky above the Shrieking Shack where the last words of a flickering message were slowly disappearing.

'_SHAG_ _ME_ _SENSELESS'_ flickered in the air.

"Oh bugger it all," James muttered miserably, in need of a spontaneous suicide attack.


	15. A Piggyback adventure!

**Chapter 15**

James sighed, massaging his head before jumping to his feet in the direction of where Lily ran off. He ran through the darkness, pushing past tree branches and manoeuvring over bushes, completely at a loss to where exactly he was, especially when it was a gloomy black. Smacking himself in the head for his stupidity, he grabbed his wand out of his back pocket and muttered a '_lumos_.'

It wasn't any comforting to illuminate the dark forest he had somehow got himself into.

"Lily?" He called, still running the trail. "Lily, where are y—WAAAH!"

James felt something push on both his legs, making him fall forwards and onto his stomach. "Bugger it," he grunted, especially not in a good mood to have landed in a mound of leaves.

"Oh. So you fell over the same thing I did."

James jumped, instantly recognising the voice. "Lily?" He grasped for his wand that had fallen out of his hand and pointed it to the side of him. "There you are," he greeted her with a sigh of relief, then made a frown as he realised she was lying on the ground with her ankle in an odd position. "What are you doing on the floor?"

"I enjoy lying on the floor for amusement, James," she rolled her eyes, "My ankle's hurt, idiot!"

James cringed and got to his feet, luckily not having any injuries. "Wait, what thing did we both fall over?"

Lily pointed her finger and he followed his gaze with his wand over to a piece of string which was tied between two trees. Abruptly, James turned white - he knew that exact piece of string was a Marauder prank speciality; it was an old Muggle joke but it worked wonders in Hogwarts corridors on people like Snape or innocent bystanders.

"I wonder what twat put that up," Lily grumbled.

Like hell would James tell her it was one of the Marauders - however, he had to thank them. This had probably been their Plan B if the fireworks idea was unsuccessful, stopping Lily by any force, so much force that it tripped her up and sprawled her on the floor.

Lily made a painful hiss as she clutched her ankle.

"Can you walk?" James asked, kneeling next to her.

She shrugged her shoulders. "I dunno. I haven't tried yet." She put her hands flat to the ground to bend on her tiptoes, trying to slowly stand with weight off her left foot, but she flinched as James grasped her arm to help her.

She flicked her finger at his face.

"_Ow!_" James clutched his cheek. "What the hell was that for?"

"I don't need your help," she said stubbornly and elbowed his arm away.

"Fine," James backed up and smiled in amusement. He folded his arms in a parental way and watched Lily grumble painfully as she struggled to her feet. As her left leg was lifted, she slowly touched it to the ground and made a cry of agony, making another cry as she faltered and fell again.

But she wasn't worried. Because James Potter would be a gentleman and _obviously_ catch her in his arms.

Too bad he didn't.

"Um..." James watched Lily lie on the ground making a sort of peculiar whimper. "Was that my cue to, er-"

"Help me up, you prat!"

James quickly hurried over to her and Lily tried for a second time to stand, which was successful but only with the help of James supporting her.

"We better get you to the Hospital wing."

"Great," Lily muttered, hobbling along with a limp. "Another night of Madam Pom Poms, another chance for her to drug me."

James laughed and they shuffled their way back through the path they had ambled into, until they suddenly fell over again.

"You didn't cut the string!" Lily shrieked, looking back to see the string still tied in between the trees.

James reddened. "Yeah...didn't think of that."

"God, how do you survive, James?"

"Merlin knows." He stood up again, raising a hand to ruffle his hair but remembered his tea cosy hat would prevent it. However, he felt his rock solid Snape tresses through his fingers.

That hat...had _fallen_.

"Oh my goodness," Lily spurted in between wheezing breaths of laughter. "You have Snape hair!" She pointed at him, cackling.

James folded his arms again. "You know," he observed her with a smirk, "You're awfully attractive when you mock me."

Immediately, Lily shut up and reddened. "Help me up," she ordered, reaching out her hand for him to pull, but to her horror, he had started walking away, leaving her in the darkness.

"Where are you going?" she said with a hint of worry.

James spun around. "Well, I don't really want to walk back to school with someone who's going to tease me." He made an evil smile and said a simple, "Ta-ta," exiting.

Lily's jaw dropped in indignation. "James, get back here!" She scrambled in her pockets for her wand but couldn't find it. She looked up again and was surrounded by gloom, not even seeing an outline of James or the light of his wand. His abrupt disappearance unsettled her.

_Snap._

Her head flinched as she heard the sound of a twig breaking behind her. She sat up, clutching her ankle that throbbed.

"Who's there?" Lily demanded.

Suddenly a pair of hands grabbed her waist.

"AAAARGH!" she yelled, punching out her fists in all directions, her only means of defence. The smack of her hand into something solid was a sign that she'd hit whatever the creature was- extremely pleased with herself when it made a painful wail.

As a lit wand shone in her face and illuminated their own, she made a breath of anger.

"You _arse face!_" Lily smacked James in the chest, who didn't appreciate the hit when he was already injured.

James clutched at his bleeding nose as he tilted his head back. "You _punched _me!"

"I thought you were a _rapist!_" Lily yelled, but softened slightly when she spotted his bleeding nose that was trailing down his face. "Don't you ever do that again!" she warned him, trying to calm her quickening heartbeat.

"C'mon," James smiled, a hand still on her waist. "You didn't really think I'd leave you here, did you?"

"I didn't think you'd actually leave that string still tied between the trees but you somehow proved me wrong…" Lily eyed his hand with suspicion. She ignored the fact that it felt kind of nice and merely blamed it on the near concussion she had from two falls and a possible twisted ankle.

"Ah, Christ," James muttered in a squeaky voice, as his finger was held over his nose.

"You sound like a chipmunk," Lily stated. "Give me your wand," she said as more of a statement, grabbing his wand from his pocket. She pointed at James' nose, speaking a simple incantation that stopped the bleeding and left no traces of blood.

James admired her handiwork and touched his clean face. "Hey, you could be a good healer when you grow up."

"That's if you don't kill me first," Lily muttered dryly.

James moved his hand to under her arm to help her. "Shall we try this again, then?"

She mumbled a stubborn, "Whatever," and let him pull her along. "You know, if my ankle wasn't hurt I'd kick you one."

"You could always use the other leg."

"Good point."

"_Ow_! I was kidding," James clarified, wincing. "We can't have two people with bad feet. Don't make me leave you here."

Lily laughed, recognising the false threat.

James suddenly stopped in his tracks, feeling he need to justify something to Lily about the fireworks mix up, which was a bad move because Lily tumbled forward wailing her arms as she fell flat on her face for the third time.

James cringed again and quickly helped her to her feet.

"If I fall one more time, I will be using unforgivable curses," she declared, brushing herself off.

"I just wanted to say that the last message in the fireworks was not by me," James said seriously, looking her in the eye.

Lily kept her face unreadable and said a toneless, "I should hope so."

James raised his eyebrows, confused by her reaction. "It was Sirius who probably wrote it. _Not_ me," he repeated again to get his point across.

"I should hope so," she echoed.

"Right." James opened his mouth in fluster. "Glad I...cleared that up, then."

Lily made a sigh as she noticed his obvious perplexity. "Look, I'm letting it go," she told him. "Do you want me to be mad at you?"

James shook his head vigorously, regretting it as his neck clicked. "No, of course not."

"Then stop complaining!"

"Um...okay!" James smiled at how well the situation was going; Lily not being mad at him was something he was not use to.

As they hobbled along pathetically, managing to reach the main street of the Hogsmeade village, James formed a smirk as he glanced at Lily next to him.

"What?" she demanded, noticing his giddiness.

He quirked an eyebrow and twisted his mouth to one side in an amused expression. "I'm growing on you, aren't I?" he said in a delighted, surprised tone.

Lily latched a hand on to his hair and gripped it hard.

At first, James thought this was a sign of lust and passion, but it _hurt his head_, and he realised she was actually causing him an inordinate amount of pain and trying to rip his hair off.

"Listen here, buddy," Lily hissed, thrusting his head towards her.

"Ow ow ow…"

"You get me back to Hogwarts soon or I will _kick your arse!_ Do you understand me?"

"Yeah yeah yeah," James reassured her quickly, making a sigh of relief as she unlocked her hand. Lily replied with a satisfied expression at his fearful gasps of breath and carried on hopping along.

After a few minutes of more pathetic hobbling, they were starting to get impatient.

"This is ridiculous," Lily complained. "At this rate it'll take forever to back to school. Let's ask someone to help us," she pointed to the occasional witch or wizard that passed them on their late night shopping.

James hesitated but gave in because he was a pushover for Lily. "You stay here," he told her, propping her down on the ground. She was slightly annoyed by the way he had put her down like a rag-doll, but by this time was so tired from pain and walking that she didn't object and lay on her back.

James jogged over to a middle aged wizard in rather expensive robes who seemed to be walking in a hurry. The second James took in his appearance he thought maybe Lily's idea wasn't so intelligent.

"Um, excuse me?" James asked politely. The man took one glance at him and stepped around him. Annoyed at how rude the man was being, James caught up to the man again and stood in front of him so he could not pass.

"Excuse me," James asked again more forcefully. The man instantly started emptying his pockets, taking out galleons from his wallet. "No, I'm _not_ going to mug you," James said with annoyance. The man looked at him with suspicion. "I was wondering if you could help-"

"_Jaaaames_," Lily drawled from the floor. He chose to ignore her and didn't turn around.

The wizard spotted her lying on the ground and made a deep frown. "Why is that young witch lying there?"

"Because a Hippogriff ran over the benches," he explained vaguely. "Anyway, can you-"

"_Jaaaames_!" Lily bawled with a tinge of impatience.

He finally turned around in confusion, wondering why she was calling him and interrupting their conversation.

"I'm hungry!" she complained, rubbing her stomach.

"Lily, can't you see I'm talking here?" James hissed.

Unfortunately, as James had spun around, he revealed his trousers with an extremely muddy stain to his bottom. To say the stranger looked disturbed was an understatement.

"Have you got any food?" she continued to drawl.

"I'll be over in a sec, okay? Just let me-" James turned around and found the man had disapparated. "Damn it! Now look what you did, Lily!" He stomped his foot and went back over to the famished redhead. "You calling my name in a seductive voice distracted me!"

"Sorry," Lily mumbled, making hungered whimpers. "Wait a minute, 'seductive'?"

James laughed nervously and decided to use this opportune moment to jog after another passing pedestrian; there weren't many to pick from considering it was late so he couldn't exactly be fussy.

"Hello, miss?" James tapped the shoulder of a small figure. Slowly, the woman spun around and James gasped.

"YOU!" The elderly witch pointed at him, wrinkles magnified as her teeth clenched.

James paled. "Um, sorry! I thought you were someone I knew! I have to go now," he made to run off but the old woman grabbed on to his shirt collar in quite surprising strength for someone who looked so frail.

"You're the boy who fell on me earlier! Do you know how many bones you may have broken?"

James eyed her up and down. "Well, considering you're healthy and standing, and have a mighty grip," he tried to pick off the fingers wrapped on his collar, "I'd say no bones were broken."

"That's not the point!" she scrunched her nose at him. "You younglings these days. No respect for your elders!"

"Can you please let me go," James pleaded, "I have to get over to my, er, girlfriend! She's DYING-" he decided not to mention with hunger, "over there!" He was about to point to where Lily was but the woman had hushed him.

"I have the right mind to report you to the Ministry of Magic for your behaviour!" She breathed a foul stench over him. Unfortunately, James could not block the aroma.

"You smell like PRUNES!" he cried, near tears in his eyes.

"How _dare _you! You _rude_ little boy!"

James had no other options, as the woman's fingers wrapped around his collar were the only thing preventing his escape; he had to do something. He couldn't exactly beat the woman up, so, he just bit her hand instead.

"AAARGH!"

James mentally cheered as the woman released him and put her hand to her chest, inspecting the bite marks. Slightly gagging, James ran over to where Lily was lying, who was oblivious to the whole scene.

"C'mon, we have to run," James pulled her to feet. He glimpsed over to the old woman who was slowly coming over, waving her wand in the air. "Crap, c'mon, Lily!"

"What's going on?" she said confusedly. She made a hiss of pain as he tried to quickly. "My ankle, you tosser! I can't hop that fast!" She glanced behind her. "Oh no, it's that old woman we fell on!"

James nodded. "I bit her hand, now let's go!" He pulled her along.

Lily took a step back. "You _bit_ her _hand!_" She gave him a look that asked, 'since when have you become a cannibal?'. "_Why_?"

"Because she was trying to kill me! Can't you hop any faster?"

Lily narrowed her eyes. "Do you want me to grab your hair again, James?"

He looked again to the old woman who was barely feet away. "Come back here, boy!" the old biddy yelled.

"Old people like that should be locked up in homes," James said, "or just _die already_." He glanced at Lily whose steps were so slow that she seemed to _stop time_. "I'll have to carry you," he decided.

"I think I've had enough of the whole sling-Lily-over-your-shoulder thing."

James looked at her impatiently. "I'll give you a piggyback then!" he compromised. "C'mon." He lowered to his knees and waited for to get on his back.

Lily looked down at her clothes. "James, I'm not exactly dressed for piggyback rides." She made a mental note to never wear a skirt again, no matter how pretty they looked.

"Lily, I'm bending over for you, DAMN IT! NOW RIDE ME!" James yelled, and regretted his words as they sounded extremely dirty.

She made an uncomfortable cough. "Er, _ride_ you?"

"Just get on."

Lily sighed, brushing off her hands, and was about to climb a leg over James' back when she froze.

"Er, James?"

"WHAT!"

"Are you aware that there's a brown patch on your jeans?" she asked, slightly traumatized.

James straightened, trying to look at his behind whilst feeling his bottom. He attempted to sniff it, but to everyone who knows and has tried sniffing their own butt; it's rather difficult. "I think it's mud," he reddened.

"Mud," Lily abbreviated with air quotes. "_Muuud_."

"It is!" James insisted. "I swear it—aah!" he broke off into a shriek as the old woman's spell shot passed his hair and slightly singed it.

"Please, Lily?" He bent over again.

"I did not picture this when I decided to go on a date with you," she grumbled. Tensely, she climbed onto his back, wrapping her legs around his waist and her arms around his neck. This would have been fun if she were six, not sixteen. Now it just felt embarrassing.

"Let's go, piggy," Lily smirked nonetheless, patting a hand softly on his Snape hair. James tried to ignore the fact that her fingers felt so smooth when they brushed against his skin, and focused on the old lady that was shooting curses at them both.

----------------------

Lily rested her head on top of James' shoulder and made a defiant 'hmph'.

"How much longer?" she whined.

Dragging his feet, James glanced at the Quidditch pitch they were passing. "Not long," he answered.

Lily squirmed. "Can you not make such giant steps? When you do that, you, uh, kind of thrust me into your back..." she trailed off, too embarrassed to explain any further.

James promptly made his steps smoother.

"Stop tapping my head."

Lily had been continuously tapping James' head for the past fifteen minutes, mesmerised by the severity of it, and the way her hand seemed to bounce off in impact.

"I can't help it." Lily's breath tingled on James' shoulder without her notice, though James felt like he was going to collapse. She made another violent smack at his hair. "It's just so damn HARD."

James made an entangled choking sound. "Please don't say that word in front of me," he murmured.

Lily was oblivious to his thriving hormones. "But it's _so hard_ though," she repeated. "I mean," she tried to grip her fingers into his hair, but to James, her sharp nails massaging his head were making him extremely turned on. "It's like cement! What did you use?"

James tried to concentrate on what she was talking about. "Sirius' stuff."

Lily made a snort into his neck and he wobbled like jelly. "I wouldn't touch anything he owned with a barge poll," she laughed. "I don't know how you'll get this stuff to COME off."

"I can't do this," James stopped in his tracks, panting.

"What? What do you mean? We're nearly there!" Lily pointed to Hogwarts oak doors feet away.

"Okay," James tried to calm himself. "Just a little further," he whispered, taking a few hurried and stumbling steps forward.

"COME on. We're nearly there," Lily cheered him on; clueless to how her words were affecting them.

With a few more desperate sprinting steps from James, the couple finally got to the oak doors. James breathed a sigh of relief, letting Lily drop from his back to support her again as they walked over to the entrance.

The oak doors were shut.

"Crap!" James tried to push the door open with the tips of his fingers. "There's no way of getting in without a professor seeing us. And then we'll be in deep cack."

Suddenly, he made a delighted squeal as he felt something touch his buttocks. "Did you just touch my arse?" he asked Lily, raising an eyebrow.

She smacked him upside the head.

"I got your wand from you back pocket," Lily rectified, waving his wand in front of him. "You really shouldn't put it there. One day your arse could blow up."

"That'd be messy," James commented, pondering an image of Sirius' arse exploding in his mind.

"_Alohomora_," Lily muttered, pointing at the door.

"Um, Lily, I don't think-"

"_Aloh_-bloody-_omora_, stupid door!" she shouted, swishing the wand again. As the door predictably did nothing, she groaned and rested her forehead on the oak door which forbade entry.

James rubbed his chin and said, "I think I've got a plan."

Lily lifted her head from the door and put her hands on her hips. "Let me guess: you want to go into the Forbidden forest and find Hippo the Hippogriff who escaped back into there earlier, and mount the magical creature where it will fly us to the Astronomy Tower, which we will then be able to depart and get into the school without any professors knowing a thing."

James nodded, "Pretty much."

Lily's jaw dropped. "I was joking!"

"Well, I'm not."

Lily shook her head. "But...but," she shrugged her shoulders, "Okay, 'but' was pretty much all I had," she said, defeated.

"Let's go then!" James said jovially, turning from the oak door and marching in the direction of the Forbidden forest. He took a few steps forward before a rock was thrown at his head.

"Ow," he muttered in confusion.

"Forgetting someone, piggy?"

James whirled round with a wince. Lily waved her hand to her ankle and her lack of moving fast.

"Right." He jogged back over to her, bending over as she climbed on to his back once more.

"Well, let's get going, piggy," she commanded, continuing back to hitting James' hair for amusement.

James grumbled, "_Must_ you call me 'piggy'?"

"It's compulsory," Lily insisted. "This is a piggy back ride, so therefore you are the piggy."

"Wait," James stopped again, "Aren't _you_ the piggy? Because I'm giving you the ride and-"

"Don't make me pull your hair again."

"Yes, miss."

------------------

Lily gulped, holding James' wand in front of them, as James' hands were preoccupied by carrying her in the piggy back ride. She flinched again as she heard another sound of a rustle, tightening her arm grip around James' neck.

"Lily, you're choking me," he coughed.

"Sorry," she whispered, but did not lessen her grip. "I don't think this was such a good idea. I wouldn't even go in here in daylight. But I assume that it's probably still this dark here in daytime anyway."

"If it helps, I've been in here plenty of times and only got hurt about...twice."

Lily gave him an exasperated look. "How was telling me that helpful in any way?" she hissed.

James looked at her apologetically. "Don't worry," he reassured her in a whisper. "All we have to do is be quiet, find the Hippogriff, and we'll be out of here in no time."

Another rustle was heard.

Lily moved the wand of light around wildly. "There is too much rustling in here. It's not even windy," she said shrilly. "James? James, are you listening to me?" She nudged his neck.

He held a hand in the air to signal her to stop talking. "Shh," he hushed her. "Do you hear voices?"

Lily listened hard and could hear the faint sound of talking and hooves stomping the ground. "Hippogriff's don't talk," she murmured.

James formed a fearful nod of the head and squinted as he looked forward, seeing something in the distance of the trees. "Lily, put the wand light out."

She did not need telling twice, quickly flicking it off. She kept silent as James carefully took a few quiet steps forward; the faint voices slowly getting louder. Once James thought it would be risky to go any closer forward, he stopped behind the trunk of a tree.

They slowly poked their heads from behind it to see where the voices had come from.

"I've never seen them in the forest before," James murmured to Lily, her eyes fixed on the many horse-like creatures between the branches. "What are they?"

Lily gasped, half-impressed and half in fear. "Centaurs," she breathed.

Just as James was about to ask more, something twisted them around and clamped their mouths shut. The couple made a muffled squeal as they were faced with the astonishingly blue of eyes of a centaur.

"Do not speak," he whispered, "I will not harm you." He held his hands over their mouths for a few more seconds until he lifted them once he was satisfied they would not scream their lungs dry with hysterics.

James clutched his chest. "Bloody hell, I think I just pissed myself."

Lily pulled on his ear, "What did he just say _not_ to do, idiot!"

The centaur hushed them again, peeping from behind the tree at his pack in the distance. "Please quiet your voices," he murmured again. He looked back at the couple and said a simple, "Follow me," walking in the opposite direction of the group of centaurs.

James and Lily watched with gaping mouths as the centaur walked away.

James tilted his head up to look at Lily. "I say we run for it," he whispered.

"What?" Lily hissed. "We can't run! We have to follow him! They are extremely intelligent creatures. I've read about them in the book-"

"Please don't get all Remus Lupin on me," James cut it, not wanting to hear any recited descriptions of the creature. "Look, if we just run-"

"Please follow me now," the centaur cut in, turning around to face them, "I do not want to use force," he warned.

James made a defeated sigh, hesitantly following the centaur whilst Lily clung to his back nervously. After at least five minutes of following the stranger through the forest, the centaur finally came to a stop.

"Mars gets brighter by the day," he said, tilting his head skywards.

James and Lily followed his gaze, squinting as they tried to see what he saw; it just looked like a bundle of stars to them.

The centaur finally remembered the couple was there after a few minutes of deluded stargazing. "Who are you?"

"Er," James fumbled, obviously still in shock that there was a talking 'horse' in front of him, and whether he wanted a character biography from them.

"I'm Lily Evans," she greeted him, "and this is James Potter. We're pupils from the Hogwarts School. I'd shake hands but I'd fall off his back."

The centaur's eyes seemed to widen at their names. "Potters," he murmured.

Lily furrowed her brow. "Er, no. Just one here," she said, noticing the duplicate.

"Right," he nodded, making a knowing smile to himself as if he knew something they didn't. He tilted his head to the sky again and said, much annoyingly to James and Lily, "Mars gets brighter by the day."

Again, the couple tried to focus on what he was looking at.

"Do you think he's talking about the Muggle chocolate bar?" James murmured to Lily.

All of a sudden the centaur looked at them with a sober expression. "You must not be here; your lives are too precious. This forest is dangerous, its hides many dark things." He looked again to the sky. "Your time...is not now."

Lily frowned; James looked back and forth between the centaur and the sky. "Er, can you not do that looking-up-at-the-sky-saying-something-mysteriously-incoherent thing," he asked.

The centaur tried not to look thoroughly insulted. "Why are you here?"

"Look, mate," James said, "all we have to do is find this Hippogriff and we'll be out of here."

"You must leave this forest," the centaur said once again. He tilted his head upwards yet again. "Mars is-"

"Brightening. Yes, we know," James cut in.

Lily dug her nails into his shoulder, nearly making him drop her to the floor. "Don't be so rude," she rebuked him. "Maybe we should just leave-"

"No," he cut her off. "We're not leaving until we've found that Hippogriff." He turned to look at the centaur pleadingly. "Have you seen it?"

He hesitated to answer, even looking up at the sky as if for a confirmation to speak, and just when James was about to swear at him if he was going to talk more about bloody Mars, the centaur nodded.

He turned to his left and held out his arm in front of him. "I saw the creature resting back there. Keep walking north for around fifteen minutes. But I beg you," he looked them deeply in the eyes, "once you find the creature. Leave at once."

James nodded and said a grateful, "Thank you."

"I must go. My pack will wonder where I am," he said, inclining a head before walking away.

"Wait," Lily called out, "What is your name?"

The centaur turned around, white hair shining reflecting in the starlight. "Firenze," he said, before disappearing into the forest.

"Fire...enze?" James echoed with confusion, breaking the silence.

"What were you expecting, _Bob?_"

"Well," James turned in the direction the centaur had pointed to and started walking. "Do you think he's an arsonist in any way?

Lily rested her head back on James' shoulder. "My name's Lily and I am not a flower, am I."

James avoided a low tree branch. "Yes, but you have the characteristics of a flower."

Lily decided not to elaborate on that. "Maybe Firenze has the characteristics of fire," she shrugged.

"What, he melts skin?"

"This conversation is over," Lily declared with a sigh. "Now," she rubbed her hands together, "Back to your hair!" She whacked her hand at his tresses again. "It's just so damn HARD."

"I'll tell you what else is hard..." James muttered.

"What?"

He reddened, cursing his lack of lowering his voice in mutterings. "Um..rocks! Rocks...hard...rock hardness..."

After much walking and following Firenze's directions, they heard the sound of a squawk before them. Lily shone the wand in front of them as James climbed through the trees.

"Hippo," James breathed, spotting the Hippogriff resting on the ground resignedly. "Thank Merlin," he praised.

"She's still got the reins on her," Lily dropped off James' back, holding on to his shoulder to support herself.

"Let's ride her, then!" James said excitedly, dragging Lily as he bounded up to the magical creature without a hence thought.

Lily latched on to his hair again.

"_Ow! What_ now?" James wailed, making a wince at how loud his voice had projected. If they wanted to live, they had to stay quiet.

"You're supposed to bow, remember!" Lily hissed, her gaze fixed on the Hippogriff that was eying them suspiciously. "You're not Sirius Black who is attracted by all animals."

"Right," James frowned, forgetting the bowing rule for Hippogriffs, and also by the fact that magical creatures could be thinking Sirius was handsome. In unison, the pair both bowed in front of Hippo, though their eyes looked up in caution. Hippo did not react.

"Lower," Lily whispered, kneeling.

James nodded, stopping himself from straightening and looking at her behind which would have the perfect position of her bottom. Hippo still did not react, looking even bored.

"Bend lower, James."

"Lily, my nose is touching the floor, for Merlin's sake!"

"Keep your voice down!"

The sounds of thundering footsteps made their hearts stop

Hippo finally seemed to react, tilting her head into a bow.

"Oh, _now_ she bows," James said shortly.

The menacing thuds got louder.

James frowned. "What is that?"

Lily gripped on to his shoulder. "They're coming," she murmured. "The centaurs are coming."

James didn't seem to be too fazed by the news. "What's there to worry about? If those other creatures are anything like that Firenze bloke, then we'll be fine."

"But don't you see?" Lily said. "Firenze led us away from his pack for a purpose. They can't be the mostly cuddliest creatures in the forest!"

"This is the Forbidden forest, Lily. Nothing in here is cuddly...Oh, I see your point," James realized. He hurried over to the Hippogriff.

"Okay, Hippo. Um, we're going to climb on your back now. Don't buck us off or anything," he told the creature. Hippo remained flat on the ground, apparently in a daze and not at all bothered by the loud hoof pounding.

"Nice Hippo," Lily squeaked, climbing on the Hippogriff behind James, which she knew she would later regret because she would have to hold on to James' waist at one point and cursed herself for falling for that trick. They both sat down and expected some kind of movement from the bird-like creature.

There was none.

"Um, Hippo? Fly to the Astronomy tower!" James cried heroically, patting the feathers on her back.

Hippo squawked, nestling her head into the ground.

"Time is short, Hippo." He patted her again. "We'd like to go some time today, please."

"Oh no. We're going to die," Lily whispered, now covering her ears from how loud the centaurs pounding was ringing in her head.

"C'mon, Hippo!" James patted her feathers again. "Oh, I know! The insulting thing." He tapped his head, trying to think of an insult. "Er, your mother is so fat, the circus uses her as a trampoline."

Lily made an inward groan, completely infuriated at how he was using one of Sirius' 'your mother' jokes when it was proved not to affect her.

"And you're ugly, Hippo!" Lily cried, hoping the creature would react as she did last time. Thankfully, Hippo got to her feet and made a kick on her front legs. Lily grabbed on to James' ribs, holding on for dear life.

"To the Astronomy tower!" James ordered once again, patting at her feathers. "Uh oh," he mumbled suddenly.

"What?"

James held out the Hippogriff's feathers that fell from his fingers - apparently he had patted a bit too hard.

"You didn't," Lily hissed.

"I did."

Hippo made an enraged squawk, and started breaking into a run, spreading out her wings in an I-have-nice-wings-and-you-don't fashion.

"I'd be admiring those wings if I weren't cacking myself right now," James squeaked.

They both made an intake of breath as the Hippogriff lifted into the air, leaving the pack of centaurs that gazed at them from the forest floor.

The centaur Bane looked on and returned to star gazing. "Mars is bright-"

"Oh we sodding know," another snapped.

----------------

Sirius giggled as he stabled himself on the Astronomy tower wall. "Your tongue is round," he gazed at her mouth, "Can I touch it?"

The dark haired girl slightly frowned, but merely thought he was just being his usual kinky self. "Er, not with your fingers." She pushed his hand away from her mouth. "You can touch it with something else though…" She licked her lips.

"My foot?"

The girl raised her eyebrows. "How drunk are you, Sirius?"

"Aren't hands strange? They're like...feet! But on your arms!"

The girl hushed him. "You shouldn't talk so much," she stated, pressing her lips to his.

"Mmdhfundhk," Sirius mumbled, still trying to talk as she kissed him. The girl suddenly broke away from him as she picked something out from her teeth.

"Ew, is the toilet roll?" She said in disgust, holding up the white piece of mush.

_Squark!_

They both turned their heads to the sound of flapping, their eyes widened as they saw a Hippogriff, straddled by two sixth years: Lily unbelievably pale as she looked like she was about to vomit and James incredibly windswept and hair more unkempt than usual. The Hippogriff landed onto the tower, closing her wings and kneeling down for them to jump off.

"Sirius?" James said, helping Lily off Hippo. "What are you doing here?"

Sirius' snogging partner took one look at the magical creature and screamed, running out of the tower with her arms wailing in the air.

"Hey, come back...you...you..." Sirius trailed off, placing a finger to his chin. "What _is _her name?"

James shrugged off Sirius' lack of remembering names and inability to keep his mouth away from girls -which he insisted that _they_ kept on coming on to _him_ and not the other way round- and said, "Padfoot, aren't you supposed to be at the SS?"

Sirius looked at him blankly - 'SS' were the simple initials for the Shrieking Shack and weren't too difficult to figure out. Lily could work it in a matter of seconds if she wasn't trying to control herself from emptying her stomach from the Hippogriff ride.

"S...S?" Sirius echoed. "_Ssss_...something sugary? _Ssss_...sexy Sirius? _Ssss_...sentimental sock?" He kept his mouth open, trying to think up of any other random words that weren't remotely close to the Shrieking Shack, until his eyes landed on the Hippogriff.

"Hippo!" He cried, ambling towards the creature with outstretched arms.

"What about me?" James said, quite offended that Sirius valued the creature's appearance then one of his best friends.

"You're an anal buccaneer," Sirius told him, then focused back on Hippo. The hippogriff instantly cooed as Sirius petted her feathers. "I've missed you, dear."

Lily gave him a disturbed look, about to insult him with the ending note of 'wanker', but asked instead, "Where is Remus?"

As if on cue, Remus tumbled in the Astronomy tower, doubled over as he leant on his knees as he gasped for air. He looked up, spotting James and Lily.

"Oh, hey guys. You're here. You haven't seen Sirius, have you? I lost him, but his trails of spit led here."

James instantly made a grimace at the too-much-information, pointing to Sirius and his future magical creature wife.

"_Muh-hoony!_" Sirius cheered, putting Remus in a 'friendly' headlock.

"Take him away, Remus," James ordered, "before he starts humping her. And before I castrate him for doing that bloody firework."

Remus gave him an apologetic look. "Sorry about that. I had my back turned for one second and he starts making erotic fireworks of seductiveness. Did you see the one about Professor McGonagall a few minutes later?"

Lily raised her eyebrows, "There was one about Professor McGonagall?"

Remus shut his eyes, purely too tired or horrified to explain the details. "Let's just say it involves McGonagall, Professor Dumbledore, and chocolate mud body paints."

"They're _yummy_ on your _tummy_," Sirius mumbled sluggishly.

Remus managed to struggle free out of the head lock and said to Sirius, "Let's get you back to the dorm."

Sirius did not disagree and let Remus pull him along to the exit. "Sirius feels dizzy," he announced.

"You must be drunk if you're referring to yourself as a third person. Have more girls taken advantage of your drunken stability? Or should I say: _lack _of stability."

"I _love_ being drunk. Do you _love me_ being drunk?" Sirius slurred.

"Oh how I cherish the morning-afters where I hold back your hair whilst you try to vomit into the Toilet Bowl of Adolescence, yet you still manage to disgorge over my best trousers."

"The ones with so..._so many _pockets," Sirius murmured, his brain throbbing as he tried to remember the counting pockets on the Best Trousers of Remus Lupin.

"You know what's good about being drunk, Moony?"

"The possibility of being run over by a Knight Bus?"

"That Ernie should drive slower in Hogsmeade streets. _Anywho's_, a good think about being drunk is you think about things you wouldn't normally think about. Like how hard it is to spell the fruit banana. I mean, when do you stop? B-a-n-a-n-a...n-a...n...a...n...a-"

"_Stop_."

"And how you smell of books: musky with a tint of chocolate aroma."

"Stop smelling my arm, it's grotesque."

"Your tongue is pointy like a lizard's. Can I touch it?"

"No-get your fingers away from my mouth, Sirius! _Aargh! Mmdfhdcmn!_"

They finally left the tower, leaving James and Lily to slightly ogle after them.

"I don't know how Remus puts up with him," Lily said.

James shrugged his shoulders. "He kind of grows on you...Like a disgusting verruca."

Lily glanced at him," You can remove those, you know."

"A _permanent_ disgusting verruca."

They went over to Hippo who was getting ready to take flight off the tower. "Thanks for the hugely accelerated and woozy ride, Hippo," Lily patted her neck, "Let's _not_ do it again sometime."

"And Lily didn't really mean the whole 'and you're ugly' thing," James told the creature. Hippo made a squawk, pecking at his hair in what he thought must have been a playful way.

"What do you think she's really saying?" James asked Lily, wondering what her squawks actually meant.

"To step off her hooves."

James glanced down, realising his foot was standing on hers. "Crap! Sorry!" He quickly stepped away before Hippo tried to head-butt him.

Hippo made a departing screech and broke into a gallop as she opened her wings. The pair watched as the Hippogriff circled in the air before returning back to the Forbidden forest.

----------------

"So, here we are, then," James announced to Lily, who was still on his back for the whole duration of the walk to the Hospital Wing.

"Yep. Here we are."

They both stared at the double doors with silence.

"Maybe you should get off my back now, Lily."

"Oh, yeah." She tried to hide her flushing behind her red hair as she climbed off his back for the last time.

"Well," James said, facing her closely. "I guess this is good night?"

"Right. Er, g'night."

All James could think about was how Lily's head upturned head looked so angelic.

All Lily could think about was how James could have found that tea cosy hat because his Snape hair was distracting her.

Suddenly, they both got the aggressive urges in them to kiss each other and lunged towards one another.

And collided heads.

"PAIN," Lily wailed, clutching both hands at her head.

"You cause me so many afflictions in many ways!" James cried back, checking if his forehead was still in tact.

After recovering from the soreness, they both tried to hide their humiliation.

"Well, that was embarrassing," Lily admitted.

"Much awkwardness," James nodded. "So...want to try again?"

She shrugged, "Sure."

Again, they both got the dynamic urges inside them and -again- plunged their heads towards each other.

And bumped noses.

"AGONY," Lily wailed again. She crossed her eyes, trying to look at her nose to see if it hadn't flown off in impact.

"I think you squashed my nose INTO my FACE!" James cried again, tapping his nose to see if the nerves were still working.

Furthermore, there was much hiding of humiliation.

"Maybe we _shouldn't_ try again," Lily said weakly.

"Yep," James said.

More silence.

"You want to try again, don't you?"

"Yep."

"Me too."

For the third time, they closed in one another. But this time, had the common sense to do it slowly.

Thirty seconds of the head moving and still not reaching each other's lips...

"Maybe we should quicken it a bit," Lily suggested.

James nodded, "_That_ we should do."

Finally, going at a speed that wouldn't cause head butting and repositioning noses so they wouldn't collide: they kissed. As expected, James melted and felt his legs go numb, and strangely, Lily couldn't stop her arms hooking round his neck to deepen the kissing. Eventually after much of stroking hands, they broke apart for air with startled eyes and ruffled hair - except James' was rock solid so Lily's hair was uncharacteristically messy for once.

"Woah."

"_Woah_."

"I was hoping it wouldn't be that good," Lily murmured.

"Your _saliva _is on _my lips_." James puckered his mouth in perplexity. He blushed as Lily looked at him oddly. "Er, pretend I didn't say that."

"I was really, _really_ hoping it wouldn't be that good," she murmured again.

James grinned, "Well," he brushed off his chest, "My kissing technique is rather envied by others. Mainly Sirius. He said to prove it but we couldn't find a way of proving it without us..._y'know_. And I am NOT going there."

"Thank goodness," Lily muttered. She looked at him deeply in the eye and gasped. "You were _right!_ You _are_ growing on me!" She pressed a hand to her gawking mouth.

James smiled roguishly. "I don't think it really had ever _grown_. It's _always_ been there."

Lily crossed her arms stubbornly.

"Come on, it was pretty amazing for our _first kiss_."

"What did you say?"

James felt his windpipe tighten. He did not say those deadly words, he did not say 'first kiss', it was just too much of a perfect moment to be ruined by his slip of tongue again.

"I said, come on it was pretty amazing and then I just STOPPED TALKING." James panicked and looked around for anything to hide his face of deceit but there were no hovering objects so just settled for his hands.

"What do you mean, _'first kiss'_?" Lily interrogated.

James gulped. "You know," he emphasised, and begged in his mind that Lily would indeed 'know'. "The first kiss that was er, proper? _You know_. You do..._know_, right? _Right?_" He leaned in for more smooching but Lily smacked him upside the head.

"What are you hiding from me? There's something you're not telling me."

James' eyes shifted uneasily. "I'm not hiding anything."

"You just did it _again!_" Lily yelled. "You're lying to me."

"No I'm not."

"Yes you are."

"_No, I'm not_."

"_Yes, you are_."

"No, I'm not."

"No you aren't."

"Yes I am—DAMN IT!" James cursed. "I hate that trick!"

Lily smiled evilly, "Works every time. Now, I want an explanation," she ordered.

James bit on his lip, "Okay, I'll tell you," he said hesitantly, "But you have to promise you won't hit me."

Instantaneously, Lily punched him in the arm. "Just tell me!"

"So much for the _not_ hitting," James muttered. "Okay," he took a deep breath, "Have you ever wondered why I was naked under the robe when _I_, er, kissed you."

"Come to think of it," Lily frowned, "I never really asked about that. _Why_ exactly were you wearing no clothes?"

James cringed, "I can't really answer that question because...that wasn't me."

Lily's eyes widened. "It _wasn't _you? But it _had _to be you," she tried to convince herself, "I'm sure I saw the guys earlier that morning and they'd turned back to their normal bodies...Oh my God, It wasn't Sirius was it? Oh, _hell!_ Ew, ew, _ew!_"

"No, it wasn't Sirius."

"Oh, thank goodness," Lily breathed a sigh of relief. "Oh no, it must of been Peter! _Eurgh! Euuuuurgh!_" She started rubbing at her mouth.

"It wasn't Peter, Lily."

"Phew," she breathed another sigh of relief. "But there's only Remus left, and I definitely saw him because he carted you away. But you said that wasn't you...I am so confused," she declared.

"It was Whiskers," James said finally.

Lily grimaced. "Whose nickname is that? I mean, I know you guys have that weird nickname thing. Prongs and Padfoot and whatever. But Whiskers? I've never heard any of you call each other that. That's actually quite funny, because Alice's cat is called—_no!_" She gasped in realisation.

"Yes..." James said weakly.

"_No!_"

"I'm afraid, yes."

"But..._No no no!_" Lily shook her head furiously. "The only way of that happening would be if Whiskers drank the Polyjuice potion."

James trembled. "Well, the potion was spilled on the dormitory floor and-"

"You just leave POLYJUICE POTION on the FLOOR?"

"Our dorm is pretty messy," James tried to defend himself. "Guys don't know how to clean. It's not in out genes. We live in our own filth. It's true."

"I _kissed_ a cat..." Lily murmured, pointing to her mouth. "A _cat_ kissed me...and I _liked_ it! Oh, _God!_" She started pulling at her hair, trying to rip it off her scalp.

"You _liked_ it?" James said, trying to stop his mouth curving upwards. "Well, I'm sure Whiskers would be pleased with that information."

"WHY are you making JOKES? THIS is NOT FUNNY!"

And James predictably burst into chuckling.

"_Stop laughing!_"

"Oh, c'mon, Lils," James said lightly. "You have to admit, it is a _little_ funny. Don't make this out to be a big deal."

"_A BIG DEAL!_" James winced. "I _thought_ I'd kissed you but I'd kissed a cat! A _cat!_ Oh, _God!_" She continued back to trying to claw at her own scalp. "Were you there? When Whiskers was lying on top of me?"

"Well," James said, "Er, _technically_, um...yes, but-"

"Why didn't you get him off me, then?" she continued to scream.

James raised a hand in the air, "I have three very thorough and detailed explanations for that."

Lily folded her arms. "Do tell."

"Okay," James held up a finger, "One: I am an idiot." Lily rolled her eyes. "Two: we were both in pretty much shocked states of mind. I mean, you were shocked because you saw me on you naked, and I was shocked because I saw me on you naked. And I was recovering from a heart attack, and you looked like you were going to get sent off to St. Mungo's-"

"_Excuse_ me?"

"I mean, you looked radiantly surprised but as pretty as always," James feigned a smile. "And thirdly: I wanted to...see how you would react..."

"WHAT!"

James winced again. "Well, personally I've never had the guts to just jump on you and kiss you. So when I saw Whiskers do it, I just held back and wanted to see what your reaction would be if you actually thought it was me doing it."

"You made a _cat_ do your dirty work!"

"I suppose you could kind of say that. You're pretty," he added, hoping flattery would get him somewhere.

"I hate adulation," Lily stated.

Too bad James didn't know the definition of the word. "Er, you're still pretty?" He made a cheesy smile which was not returned. "Let's just forget the whole cat-kiss thing, okay? Please...? You're _so pretty_."

Lily shook her head. "I can't just forget it, James."

"Was it _that_ good?"

Lily burst in anger. "You're an idiot!"

"A loveable idiot?" James suggested.

"_No_, _just_ an idiot."

James squirmed, "Please, I don't want us to go to bed angry."

"_WHAT!_ You think I'm going to go to BED with you now, _do you!_ You PERVERT!"

James blanched. "Oh, Merlin, no! I didn't mean that! I don't mean one bed together! I meant sleeping separately, I swear! You're pretty?"

"I cannot believe this is happening," Lily muttered.

"Lily." James took her hands in his. "Please, just promise me that tomorrow you won't ignore me or hate me and we'll be doing this again," he pointed to his and her mouths, "because our lives depend on it."

Lily's eyes blazed and she was about to erupt into a wave of curses and insults, but the Hospital Wing doors opened.

"Madam Pomfrey," Lily greeted her in embarassment, snatching her hand away from James' with a glare.

The witch looked sceptically between the two teens, eventually making a comforting smile to Lily. "Miss Evans, an injured ankle I see," she diagnosed, focusing on Lily's foot; she was surprised by how quickly her injury was identified.

"Come in, dear," Madam Pomfrey ushered her inside. James was about to follow but the woman stopped her.

"You're not injured, are you, Potter?"

"I've got a broken heart..." James mumbled.

Madam Pomfrey smiled sadly. "I'm afraid I cannot mend those." She put a hand to his shoulder. "I suggest you go back to your dormitory and sleep. You can see Miss Evans tomorrow morning-"

"I _DO NOT_ WANT TO SEE ANY VISITORS TOMORROW!" Lily's voice cut in from behind the door. "_ESPECIALLY NOT_ JAMES _BLOODY_ POTTER!"

Madam Pomfrey winced. "Well, maybe visit her when she's asleep….or maybe just not turn up at all?"

"Thanks, Madam Pomfrey," James grunted, before dragging his feet to Gryffindor Tower.

"Hmm, tomorrow's plans," he talked to himself. "Jumping off the astronomy tower, or maybe drowning in the lake?

He'd always liked water.


	16. Nipple crippling? Please, no

**Chapter 16**

In the late hours of Sunday morning, following the disastrous date (or slightly insightful, depending who you were) of James and Lily, Peter trudged up the common room stairs and pushed open the door to his dorm.

"Hey guys!" Peter chorused, expecting a welcome party of ecstatic, "We missed you SO MUCH," and, "DONT EVER leave us again, Wormtail! Oh so help me GOD, I will hunt you down and smother you with hugs."

Peter stood at the doorway, awaiting the pleasant cries of acknowledgement.

There were none.

Peter squinted. "Why is it so dark in here? Did someone block up the windows?" he asked.

"Light hurts eyes. So we must be bathed in darkness. Like vampires," a voice mumbled.

Peter frowned confusedly and ambled into the gloom, ripping off the sheets of the Daily Prophet that blocked the morning's sun light. The second luminosity entered the room a strangled cry broke out.

"OH, MINE EYES! They BURN! What shmuck let in light! WHAT_ SHMUCK!_"

Peter took one look at the two Marauders, Sirius and Remus, sprawled out on their beds and asked, "What _happened_ last night?"

Sirius formed an exaggerated moan as his head tipped upside down at the foot of his bed. "I'm too hungover to talk." He gazed at the upside-down Peter. "Since when have there been two Peters?"

"One Peter is a special Peter that only drunk or hungover people can see," Remus explained, his arms and legs sprawled out in a starfish position.

Peter glanced over at Remus and made a grimace. "Remus, you appear to have had...an accident," he said weakly.

"What?" Remus grumbled, and then looked down at his trousers.

"Oh, Moony," Sirius laughed. "That is rather revolting."

"Sirius!" Remus moaned. "You vomited on my pyjama bottoms!"

Sirius snorted. "Do not blame your toilet problems on me, fellow partisan. And besides, _pyjama bottoms_? Why don't you just wear boxers to bed like everyone else?"

"Because I do not like to strip down to boxers every night before bed quavering the Full Monty tune, whilst thrusting my pelvic area in an ungodly fashion."

Sirius pouted. "Prongs finds it funny..."

Peter showed a hurt expression as Remus and Sirius continued to argue how a liquid patch had gotten on Remus' crotch. "Er, guys?" He cut in. "Aren't you going to say how glad you are that I'm back?"

Sirius gave him a blank look. "Back from where?"

"The Hospital wing, negligent," Remus reminded him.

"Oh," Sirius yawned, "Whatever." He batted a hand and closed his eyes, trying to get back to sleep whilst Remus tried to doze off in unison.

Peter forced a cough. "Um, aren't you going to ask how I am?"

Remus smiled nicely, "How are you, Peter?"

"Well," Peter began, now feeling rather chirpy that he was getting the attention he thought he deserved; although Sirius had nodded off and was mumbling something about 'chocolate body paints'. "I'm feeling better now. Madam Pomfrey managed to fix my bones in a jiffy." Remus gave him an odd glance, wondering who said 'jiffy' these days.

"That's fascinating, Peter," he commented in what he thought was an enthusiastic tone.

"Oh, and I saw Evans in the Hospital Wing, too," Peter added.

"Lily was there?" Remus raised his brow. "Speaking of Lily, where's James?" He looked around the dorm and found James' bed empty. "Must have gone for breakfast early," he shrugged. "So why was Lily in there?"

"I think she had a bad foot," Peter guessed. "I asked her how she got it and she threatened to rip out a kidney."

"Oh." Remus was not surprised.

"And then I asked her about James," Peter carried on, "And she actually _tried _to rip out a kidney." He rubbed his stomach.

Remus winced, "I was going to ask about those rips on the front of your shirt."

"Oh, don't worry, Madam Pomfrey got rid of the blood."

"_What_!" Sirius tried sitting up in bed but only tumbled back down with a painful moan. He was awake from his chocolate body paints dream now the conversation was starting to get interesting. "Did she actually rip out a kidney?"

"Of course she didn't," Remus scolded him, then glanced at Peter, "Er, did she? Though it is possible to survive on one kidney, so if she only tore out one, you'd still be alive."

"No, she just got rid of the blood from the scram marks on my stomach," Peter explained, "Both babies are still here." He patted his hands at his chest, which was the wrong part to indicate where his kidneys were, unless his kidneys were hovering somewhere near his collar bone.

"You are referring to your kidneys, aren't you?" Remus asked. "Not _actual_ babies? Because it's physically impossible for a male to have infants born inside him."

"Not to mention the world would be a better place without mini Peter papooses running around."

"Sirius," Remus sighed, "A papoose is a Native American Indian baby. Peter is not Native American Indian."

Peter made an 'o' shaped mouth, as if he to say a surprised, "I'm not?"

"A papoose can be whatever I bloody want it to be," Sirius said. "I could even call _you_ a papoose." He pointed a finger at Remus. "_Papoose!_"

"Hey, Padfoot?" Peter asked. "How come you were so concerned that Lily might have ripped out one of my kidneys? Do you really value my friendship that much?" he said admirably.

"No," Sirius scoffed, "I was just worried that you'd given a kidney away to her. So when I'm older and might be an alcoholic, you wouldn't be the one to save my life by giving me a kidney. How could you do that to me, Pete? Huh? _Huh!_ You _selfish_ human being!"

"Oh God, you're right!" Peter's eyes began to water in horror. "How could I be so _insensitive?_ I'm so sorry, Sirius!"

Remus rolled his eyes. "Peter, why are you apologizing to him? You didn't give her a kidney, remember?"

He cringed in realisation. "Oh yeah. Oh, and guess what, Padfoot?"

"What?" Sirius grunted.

"I got a lollypop from Madam Pomfrey before I left. It was strawberry."

"Oh woop-de-fucking -doo. Let me shit myself with envy."

Remus rolled his eyes and made his new crucifix position more comfortable. "Now, if this conversation is over, I will be going back to sleep." He shut his eyes but then sniffed the air towards his pyjamas. "Maybe after I take these off."

"Duh nah nah nah, dun nuh-"

"Stop singing the Full Monty, Sirius."

He stuck out his tongue. "If only James was here to appreciate my wit. Where is the mork?"

Remus shrugged, "Maybe he's with Lily."

"Oh yeah, how did the date go?" Peter asked curiously.

"Well," Remus stretched, "Let me sum up the date in a few nonsensical and rather peculiar words." Peter nodded. "A carriage. Hippo. Top hats. Hog's head. Dodgy door. McGonagall. Fireworks."

Peter nodded slowly. "Wow, that is rather non...nonsi...whatever you just said."

Sirius groaned in annoyance. "Will you guys stop talking? I'm trying to sleep and I'm not planning to move for the rest of the day."

"But how will you go to the bathroom?" Peter asked.

"I will simply hold it in," Sirius said. "Or I'll pee in a container. Like, an empty Firewhiskey bottle," he pointed to one on the floor, "Or an old cauldron," he pointed again.

"We need to clean this dormitory," Remus stated.

"And I _need_ to be more rational. But that's not going to happen, is it, Moony," Sirius retorted.

The two exhausted Marauders tried to snooze again, whilst Peter walked over to James' bed to try and find out why he had gotten up so early, especially as he was known as the one who slept so late that he was putting on his trousers in class.

"Guys," Peter addressed his friends. "Prongs left a note." He waved the small piece of parchment he found on James' pillow.

Sirius snorted, "He left a _note_? What are we, _his parents_?"

"Is it a suicide note?" Remus drawled tiredly.

"No."

"Is it Prongs' will?" Sirius asked.

"No."

"Then I'm not interested."

Remus hurled a pillow at Sirius for his insensitivity. "What does the note say, Wormtail?"

_Fellow Marauders,_

_Meet me later at the beech tree by the lake. WEAR BLACK._

_Yours Marauderingly,_

_Prongs_

_No hugs or kisses_

_...Except for Lily Evans_

"Marauderingly isn't a word," Remus commented shrewdly.

Peter shrugged unhelpfully. "I wonder why we have to wear black. Black's not a good colour on me."

Remus and Sirius looked at him oddly at the slightly girlish comment.

"I'm guessing you prefer fuchsia, Peter?" Remus assumed.

"Black is a flattering colour on me," Sirius said matter-of-factly, "It makes me look thinner and brings out my eyes."

Remus and Peter looked at him oddly at the slightly girlish comment.

"Not to mention," Sirius carried on, "It's the same as-"

"Your surname," Remus finished. "Yes, we knew that."

Sirius again tried to prop himself up but lay back down again as any upright position made him feel nauseous. "I wonder why Prongs wants us to meet him at the Marauder Lookout."

Remus sighed, "You do realise you're the only one who calls the shade by the beech tree the 'Marauder Lookout', or shall I say: the spot where peeping toms otherwise known as Sirius Black spy over at the girls on the other side of the lake."

Sirius gasped, "I do not spy! I merely observe."

"Whilst holding your crotch?"

Sirius reddened. "Wow, it wasn't as dark as I thought under the shade of that beech tree..."

"Why do you think James wants us to meet him by the lake, though?" Peter asked, folding up James' parchment note into a small hat. He propped it on his head and made a cheesy grin.

"If you wear that in public I will cause some serious hurt on you."

Peter sulked and took the hat off on Sirius' orders.

"It is rather strange though," Sirius said thoughtfully. "We haven't met up at the lake since those Marauder Meetings we did in second year."

Remus grimaced, "I remember those. You made me correspondent and I had to write every word down of the conversations we had, including the Chocolate Frogs or Sugar quills debate, and how many times Dumbledore can wrap his beard around his own neck."

"Chocolate frogs," Sirius commented, "And 28 times. I was chairman. I had a badge and everything with the initials CM, but Prongs kept calling me-"

"Contaminated Molester," Peter smiled, "Good times, eh. Good times. Why did we ever stop the meetings?"

"Because they were lame," Sirius said simply. "Now," he yawned, "Stop with the early Hogwarts reminiscing and leave me to hibernate in my own filth. I am not moving from this bed," he declared.

Peter tried to disguise his disappointment. "Well, I'll just go for breakfast by myself, then." He showed a sulky expression as he stood by the doorway. Sirius and Remus made unrecognizable mmhmms and waved rather pathetically for his depart. "Oh, and by the way," he added, "I bumped into McGonagall and she said she was on her way here."

"_WHAT_!" Sirius flung off his bed and crawled to his feet. "On second thought, I think I'll join you, Pete!"

Peter eyed him up and down. "Shouldn't you put some clothes on first?"

Sirius looked at his half naked self of boxers. "No time for meaningless materialistic objects," he said, grabbing his robe and putting it on himself loosely.

"I hardly think clothing is a meaningless materialistic object," Remus retorted.

"Moony, you will also accompany us!" Sirius decided. "You can either be a witness to my death, or bodyguard me!"

"Sirius, for _Christ's sake!_" Remus cursed, trying to grab for clothing as Sirius dragged him out of the dorm. "Will you let me put my trousers on? I'm _only_ wearing_ underpants, y_ou _eccentric lunatic_!"

-----------------

"Is McGonagall in there?"

Peter poked his head from the entrance of the Great hall and over to the Professors table where the teachers ate their breakfast and pretended to enjoy each others company. Thankfully, McGonagall's seat at the table was empty.

"Coast is clear," Peter informed.

Sirius strolled into the hall, not at all bothered by his open robe displaying his boxers and the fact that he was walking bare feet without shoes. Peter stuck to Sirius' side because people admired Sirius, if 'admiration' meant 'gossip about him'. And if 'gossip' meant 'worry for his safety'. And if 'worry for his safety' _actually_ meant 'worry for _their_ safety'.

Remus quickly took a seat at the Gryffindor table so people wouldn't think he associated with him, although everyone knew their friendship because the Marauders were well known like an annoying mother-in law; they were constantly in the background and always would be, until they dropped dead or you cut off their air supply first.

Unfortunately, the boys had taken seats next to a disgruntled redhead.

"I thought you were still in the Hospital Wing?" Peter asked the girl.

Lily dropped the croissant she was half way in the middle of eating and fixed him with a glare. Peter instantly held on to his stomach, protecting his internal organs.

"I swear, Pettigrew, talk to me one more time and I will rip off your limbs and use them as Quidditch bats," Lily threatened.

"Wow, a Quidditch related threat. That's new," Sirius commented.

"Why are you wearing just boxers and a robe?" Lily asked, covering her eyes with toast. "I know it is the weekend but you take casual appearances too far."

Sirius snatched her half eaten croissant and munched on it openly. "I am making a point, protesting to people of today how materialistic objects are worthless and it's each others love for one another that counts."

"In other words," Remus said, "Sirius was in too much of a rush to change, hiding from McGonagall."

Sirius scoffed and perched his bare feet on the table as surrounding students made disgusted cries of the smell, especially Lily who chucked her orange juice at him. "Moony," Sirius wiped his wet face, "You make it sound as if I am scared of the woman, which I am most certainly not. I'll hex her to Siberia."

"Oh, look!" Lily yelled. "It's McGonagall!"

Sirius let out a girlish scream and hid under the table, holding on to Remus' legs.

"She was joking, Padfoot."

Sirius grumbled as he got out from under the table and sneered at Lily who was sniggering. "I'm confused, at which part of that girlish scream were you _hexing her to Siberia_?"

"_Nyeh neh nyeh neh_," Sirius mimicked her voice immaturely.

"So," Lily tried to hide her tone of concern, "Where's the fourth urchin?"

Remus eyed her sceptically. "We thought James was with you. Didn't he come see you in the Hospital wing?"

Lily frowned. "No," she said disappointedly. The boys looked at her with raised eyebrows. "Which was a good thing!" she added hastily.

"Why don't you go find him?" Remus suggested, not so subtly.

Lily looked at him indecorously and folded her arms. "I'm not talking to him," she declared.

"Oh _God_," Sirius moaned, legs again perched back on the table. He grabbed a knife and tried using it to clean his nails that had somehow got filth underneath. "Don't tell me you're _still _not going out with him?"

"That's none of your business, wanker."

"_Nyeh neh nyeh neh_..."

"What did James do?" Peter asked, his hands still safely protecting his stomach.

Lily huffed and nibbled on another croissant. "I don't want to talk about it."

"So if you're not talking to James," Sirius said, "then why exactly are you talking to us?"

Lily huffed again. "I sat here first!" she yelled angrily. "_You_ were the ones who took seats next to me!"

"What_ever_."

"Sirius," Lily began in a deadly tone, "Just do me a favour, okay?"

"Sure. Just bend over and I'll remove that stick up your arse any time now."

"Look," she began, grabbing the knife from his hand and pushing it to his throat, "You mention James one more time and I will slit your throat."

"Message understood," Sirius nodded, pushing the knife away, "Lily-cidal maniac," he muttered.

Remus glanced from his paper. "I recommend the fork, Lily. The knives aren't that sharp, they're only good for buttering toast."

The four sat quietly as they continued to eat their breakfast.

"So did you smooch?"

Lily impaled a fork into Sirius' neck.

"Christ, woman!"

Lily stood up from his seat, ready to leave. "You just tell James," she addressed the boys, "To not even bother trying to talk to me again, because I will be ignoring him." She made a final hellish glower and walked away.

A couple of seconds later, she backtracked back to the table and grabbed a croissant, making another final malicious glare, and walked away again.

Another couple of seconds later, she backtracked again to the table, grabbed a knife and cut open the croissant.

"Weren't you making a dignified exit?" Remus asked, quirking an eyebrow as the boys ogled at her.

"I don't like my croissants plain!" she said, buttering the inside.

Finally finishing the buttering, she fixed another glare and stomped away.

For the third time, a couple of seconds later, she jogged back again to where the boys were sitting, biting her lip with a worried look.

"What now? Do you want jam on your croissant?" Sirius teased.

"No," she snapped. "Just," she sighed and her face gradually heated, "Don't tell James that earlier message, because I'm not talking to him. So tell him nothing. _Nothing_. Don't even tell him you saw me. _You saw nothing_. I said _nothing_ about him."

Remus nodded. "Yes, we understand the nullity."

"Good."

For the final time, she glared and stomped away.

"Is she going to come back again?" Peter asked, expecting the redhead to grab another morning pastry.

"I think that was the last time."

The three remaining boys continued eating.

"They _so _smooched," Sirius couldn't help but snigger. Remus and Peter agreed.

----------------

Lily was busy slamming her heels into the floor as she walked with definite rage in her steps. "Nyeh neh nyeh," she mimicked Sirius' voice childishly. "_Did you smooch? _Bloody wanker Sirius Black."

Just as she was about to turn on her way to Gryffindor tower, she bumped into someone as she turned the corner whilst she was mumbling offensively to the Hogwarts floor. For some odd reason, she was hoping the chest she had bounded into to be James.

"Watch where you're going, Evans."

She really wished the body has been James'.

She shivered as she eyed the scowling boy closely before her. "I do apologize," she gritted through her teeth, though it took her a great amount of strength to say it.

Just as she was about to walk away, Snape grabbed her wrist and pulled her dangerously close to him, sneering with hatred behind the locks of his greasy ebony hair.

"Maybe you should look where you're going instead of daydreaming," Snape said, with a distinct hint in his voice that she was daydreaming about a particular messy haired James Potter.

"Let go." Lily tried her wrist away from his grasp.

"Lily!"

Their heads snapped down the corridor to see James hurrying forwards with immense concern plastered across his face.

"There's your daydream now," Snape sneered, glancing at him. "Fools who wear their hearts proudly on their sleeves, who cannot control their emotions...are weak."

Lily frowned, trying to interpret what he was trying to say.

"Goodbye, Evans," Snape scowled familiarly.

Lily puckered brow, but sighed in great relief as Snape let go of her wrist and shoved her away, so hard she faltered backwards. Before Lily could comprehend what had happened, Snape had stridden down the corridor and in direction of the Hogwarts' grounds; too far away for James to catch up as Lily fell backwards into him.

James managed to stable her as she tumbled in to him, instinctively holding on to her wrist, just as Snape had done. But Lily somehow felt content when James did it to her, not shivers and feelings of cutting her own hands off.

"I went to check on you in the Hospital wing but you weren't there," James said with a hurt expression.

"You did?" Lily replied, her stomach jumping.

"What did Snape say to you?"

"I don't know, something mysteriously incoherent," she said confusedly.

"I'm going to…" James trailed off into wheezing angry breaths, looking in the direction where Snape had strutted off to with fume.

"Don't do anything to him, James." Lily warned him. "Just…_don't._"

James eyed her sceptically. "There isn't anything, y'know, going on between you and him..."

His words dropped like a bomb.

"_Excuse me?_"

James winced. "I said another stupid thing, didn't I," he said regrettably.

"I cannot believe you'd even suggest that!" Lily cried, disgusted. "I shouldn't even be talking to you right now. I'm supposed to be ignoring you," she said firmly, as more of a reminder to herself.

She was about to walk away but James held on to her shoulder to stop her from turning around. Without thinking, which James seemed to do a lot whenever Lily was around, or just in general, he kissed her.

Not a good move.

At first, Lily seemed to gasp in his mouth at the sudden action and appeared to like it. That was until she remembered she wasn't supposed to be talking to him, besides exchanging saliva with the guy. She managed to dislodge her lips off and his and did the first thing she felt instinctive: she kicked him in his gonads.

Because violence is always the answer.

Lily had never kicked him in his testicular area, only occasionally hit him upside the head, but that was more of a playful way. _This_ one was in his delicate area - it was a hard kick and the classic sign that you had successfully buggered things up big time.

"You are such a twat," she declared, this time making a dignified exit of flouncing.

James fell to his knees, making a groan, before humming painfully the funeral march as he dragged himself by sliding his hands across the corridor floor towards the exit of Hogwarts grounds.

----------------

"Your favourite book is Hogwarts: A History? That's mine too!" Remus said excitedly, walking across Hogwarts grounds with a brunette and fellow sixth year.

He was on his way to meet at the lake by orders of James' note, after doing some pass-time reading in the library and luckily getting into conversation with a pretty and intelligent witch. Sirius nor Peter wanted to join him on the escapades of reading after breakfast, so abandoned him for hiding out from McGonagall in the Room of Requirement.

"I tried taking it out of the library," Remus carried on, "But it was already out."

The girl blushed. "That's because I've got it."

"Oh," Remus laughed.

The girl quirked an eyebrow, "Maybe we can go back to my dorm and read it together."

Remus somehow guessed that reading wasn't really on the agenda. "Well, er I-"

"MUH-HOONY!"

"Oh, Christ," Remus muttered.

An energetic nutcase with no sense of privacy bounded up to them both with an uncomfortable Peter in tow.

"Wahey," Sirius greeted them, "Who's your lady friend?" He focused on the dark-haired girl next to him.

"Er, Holly, this is Sirius," Remus waved a hand vaguely, "Sirius, this is Holly."

The girl immediately looked daggers, closing in on Sirius. "I know who you are," she snapped at him.

Remus quickly exchanged a look with him. "You do?"

"Yes. He snogged my best friend in the broom closet and never talked to her again," she explained.

"I can't say I'm surprised about that," Remus muttered, shaking his head.

Sirius cringed, unconsciously fiddling with his hair. "Er, was her name Marlene Simmons?" he asked, remembering the name he quoted to Lily in the bathroom lock-in.

"No," she grumbled. Remus shook his head again. "Her name was Elizabeth."

"Oh!" Sirius said, in a way where you try and fake recognition when really you can't remember a damn thing about the person their talking about. "Oh, _her! Eliz-a-beth!_ Elizabeth," he feigned a smile, "Such a great gal."

"You don't know who I'm talking about, do you."

"No sodding idea."

The girl scowled.

"So, what did she look like?" Sirius asked curiously.

"She was my identical twin sister."

The boys winced.

Sirius opened his mouth and closed his mouth in flustering until he finally murmured the word "Shit," the only word he could form from his mouth.

"So..." Sirius broke the tense silence, "Are you two dating?" He asked them both.

"Padfoot! You're being inappropriate!" Remus told him off.

Sirius got a mischievous glint in his eye. "I thought we had something special, Moonykins," he drawled.

There was silence and everyone looked at each other in turn.

"What?" Remus hissed, definite worry written on his face; especially as Holly was looking in between the two, highly unimpressed.

Sirius turned his head away dramatically and raised his chin high as he sniffed. "So last night," he put on an emotional tone, "meant _nothing_ to you?"

Remus' eyes widened in horror. "What do you mean, _'last night!' _What are you even talking about?" he howled.

"Oh, Muh-hoony," Sirius sniveled, "So it is _true_."

Peter was making an occasional concerned squeak, wondering what exactly he missed whilst he spent the night in the Hospital wing.

"Our one night of _passion_," Sirius made pelvic thrusts to indicate to Holly what exactly he was talking about, which was not needed as she had guessed exactly what he was referring to and was covering her gawking mouth in shock, "Was just a silly little fling."

"What night of passion?" Remus echoed. "What _fling?_ I hope you're talking about throwing objects of some sort!"

"I've never came like that before in my life," Sirius ended the trifle, dessert and act, with a cherry on top, making a sigh to greaten the last line.

Remus made choking sounds. "W-WH...WHAT?"

Peter squeaked again and appeared to be turning the odd colour of—yes, you guessed it: fuchsia.

"I'm not quite gagging, and I'm not quite vomiting," Peter shrilled, "I'm gavommiting." And on that note, he made an arm action with his hands that was supposed to be wave, but looked more like pointing back and forth between Remus and Sirius, screaming, and then hobbling along to meet James at the lake.

"I'm leaving," Holly announced, appearing as red as a tomato for being in such an inappropriate conversation. "Er, nice meeting you," she said uncomfortably, and was about to shake the boys' hands but didn't know where exactly they had been, especially since 'last night', and also by the fact that what she has said was a lie and it had NOT nice meeting either of them. "Bye!" she bleated, and ran off back into the castle.

"FALSE FABRICATIONS!" Remus howled after her. "FALSE FAB-RI-CA-TIONS!"

Sirius broke into deafening laughter, lolling back his head so much that he nearly fell backwards and his head nearly dispatched off his own neck. Remus just stood frozen, very, very pale.

"THAT was SO _FUNNY! _" Sirius trailed off into giggles. "Merlin, did you see her face! Completely _floored. _That was such a great prank! Best to date, I'd say. No hard feelings, eh, Moony? Moony? Muh-hoony?"

Remus remained frozen, but instead of looking pale was getting redder by the passing seconds.

"Er...Moony? You're turning red, that's a bad sign in the distinguishing signs of Remus Lupin. You're either embarrassed or you're just getting really mad."

Remus' left eye twitched.

"Eye twitching? What stage are we at now? Isn't it normally the mouth flinching first?"

Remus' mouth flinched repeatedly, as if he were having mouth spasms.

"Ah, there we go. But if you're really, really mad, which can't be now because I'm your _buddy_, there would be nose enlargement following. You're like that Pinocchio - instead of your nose growing when you lie, your nose grows when you're super mad."

Remus' nose appeared to grow at least an inch.

Sirius blanched. "_Holy Merlin_," he murmured, watching Remus close on him dangerously.

Sirius instinctively covered his hands over his man chest. "Not the nipple cripple, Moony. They HURT. You haven't given me one of those since second year!"

"You KILLED my owl!" Remus reminded him.

Sirius put his hands in the air. "How was I supposed to know Snowy would die if he ingested too much gravy?"

"Nobody can survive ingesting two times the amount of body weight in gravy, for Christ's sake!"

Sirius snorted. "Who are you, Frankenstein or something?"

Remus somehow knew that Sirius had meant Einstein.

"Just gimme a dead leg instead, Moony? C'mon, be reasonable!"

"Dead legs don't hurt as much," Remus grumbled.

"_Hel-lo?_ _Dead _leg. A lot of pain happens, hence the name. How about a wedgie?" Sirius suggested.

"We're not in America, Sirius."

"A Wet Willy?"

"There is no pain involved in a Wet Willy! All you do is lick your finger and put it someone's ear!"

"Technically if Snape done it, your face would be like burning and-" Sirius broke off into high-pitched shrieks. "My manly chest! Le'go, le'go, LET GO!"

As the two were now fighting on the floor, Peter ambled up the two, still gavommiting.

"Er, guys?"

"Stop twistin'! STOP TWISTING!"

"Guys!" Peter interrupted. "Look what James is doing!" He pointed over to their friend by the lake a few feet away.

"Oh no," Sirius and Remus said in unison.

They both scrambled to their feet, running with Peter as they hurried over to lake where James was wading in the water.

"Anyone going to hum the funeral march?" James mumbled to himself. "Nobody? Fine, I'll do it- dum dum dumdum, dum dumdum dumdum, dum duuuu-"

"PRONGSIE!"

James turned his head to face his three friends, standing by the shore with horrified expressions. He was presently managing to keep afloat in the water as he kicked out his legs, presently trying to avoid the giant squid's tentacles, and presently quite naked.

"Oh dear God, please say you're wearing trousers below," Remus said; as he could only the see top half of James' bare chest.

"No," he replied, rather smug. "Just boxers."

Sirius burst into disbelieving chuckles. "Chowderhead, what are you doing?"

James took in his friends' appearance and shook his head disappointedly at them. "The invitation specifically said to wear black. And you're late! I mean, I don't even know why I bother to make an effort. You guys don't appreciate me."

"You're acting bent again," Sirius said tonelessly, "I just thought I'd mention that."

Remus backtracked to what James had said. "Invitation? Black? I take it this is another suicidal attempt. And are those handcuffs in your hand?" He asked suddenly, spotting the handcuffs James was trying to unsuccessfully chain to his wrists.

James nodded. "It's to stop me from saving myself when I drown. They're quite hard to put on yourself..."

"Hey, they're _my _handcuffs!" Sirius shouted, examining them from a distance. "Oh, wait. Those are pink and fluffy. Mine are black. I do apologize."

Nobody bothered to give Sirius an odd look because that line was probably the sanest of his today.

"You can't drown in the lake, James!" Peter drawled from the water's edge.

"Why not?" James whined back.

"Because you can swim!"

"So, I'll forget!" he snapped.

"You can't forget! It's from the heart!" Peter patted his chest. "From your sooooul!"

Remus raised his hand. "I have a more plausible reason that you cannot drown in the lake."

"Why, Moony?"

"The squid will save you."

James huffed. "Not if I chain myself to the bottom!"

"The squid can just, er, unchain you!" Sirius said lamely.

James laughed. "They don't have opposable thumbs, Sirius."

"But they have those sucker things," he pointed out. "Sucker things, Prongsie. Suction. Heh, that's a funny word. SUC-"

"Anyway," Remus cut him off with a look of rage. "Just come out of the lake, James. Then we can discuss whatever stupid thing you did this time which involved Lily."

He splashed the water in uproar. "What makes you think this has anything to do with Lily, you berks?"

Remus tried to calm him, "Okay, I apologize for jumping to conclusions. Just come out of the lake, okay?"

James pouted, looking a lot like a sulking housewife. "Alright," he gave in, "the water is kind of cold."

He was about to waddle back to shore but the giant squid had got so impatient that James was bathing in it's water, that he picked up James by the tentacle and flung him on the grass.

James gazed up at the towering heads of his friends as he lay on the ground.

"Ah," Sirius tapped his nose, "Suction."

"So, being curious, what was this all about?" Remus asked, already knowing the answer.

James sighed. "Evans..."

Remus rolled his eyes. "Exactly…"

"Somebody give me my clothes," James grunted.

"Looking for these?"

James leaned up on his elbows as the boys turned their heads to face Severus Snape holding James' beloved clothes as he appeared from behind the shade of the beech tree, or as Sirius called it: The _Marauders _beech tree.

"You did not just touch my beech tree, git-face," Sirius gritted through his teeth, watching Snape's fingers tap the trunk with his spindly fingers.

"Heaven knows what you've been doing with this tree, Black," Snape retorted.

Remus had to hold Sirius back by threatening earlier manly chest twisting again. Peter remained silent, quietly excited on what hell would break loose soon.

James tried to muster his dignity in his nudity and instead focused full on glaring at Snape. "What are you doing, Snivellus? Stealing clothes for a living now? I know you may admire my appearance, but to go as far as stealing my clothes to _be me_?" He sighed. "How pathetic."

"I wouldn't dare talk to me like that in the position you're in, Potter," Snape snapped.

Remus made a worrying glance as he eyed James and Sirius' glowering with the enemy. "Snape," Remus said firmly, "Please-"

"Don't you say 'please' to him, Moony," Sirius cut in shortly. "Dark arts prick."

Snape faked admiration. "You have such a way with words, Black. As do you, _Potter_," James flinched, "I mean, those impressive firework displays in the sky last night." James shook with anger. Snape sneered and quoted with sniping air finger quotes, "Your beauty stupefies me," he made an evil snicker, "You rock my wizarding world."

"If I had my wand right now-" James started.

"Why don't you check your underwear?" Snape suggested.

Remus gritted his teeth and forced James to the ground as he was about leap in hysterics, which was not a good move in nakedness.

"Snape," Remus said steadily again, "Just...return James' clothing."

Snape's eyes widened aback and he laughed mockingly. "The mediator," he sighed, "Rather shocking for someone like you. Knowing...what you _are_."

Sirius' eyes blazed. "OH, that is IT! NOBODY picks on Moony...except ME!" He poked himself squarely in the chest, already bringing out his wand from his pocket.

But it already seemed as if Snape was prepared, getting his wand out faster and already muttering a spell in Sirius' direction.

"_Furnunculus_!" Snape bellowed.

Sirius ducked out the way, pushing James and Remus to the ground out of the spell's reach.

Unfortunately, the spell had skipped past them and hit Peter in the chest instead, making him fall to the ground, squishing many nasty boils.

"I always forget him," Sirius said confusedly. "He's too bloody small and quiet."

Remus hurried over to Peter. "Are you okay?" he asked him, holding him by the shoulders.

"Ay, ay, a scratch," Peter murmured, boils compressing.

"You're covered in boils, that's more than a scratch."

"Ask for me tomorrow and you shall find me a _grave man_."

"Peter-" Remus tried to cut in.

"A plague a' both your houses!" he yelled.

"You have got to stop reading my books of Shakespeare," Remus grumbled.

"_Rictusempra_!" Sirius yelled.

Snape had no time to block the charm as it him, making him burst into uncharacteristically girlish giggles. The sight was gruesome as they watched Snape struggle to contain himself, wailing his arms whilst he snorted with the oddest smile on his face.

"Get it off him! It's weird!" James commanded.

Fortunately, Snape managed to get the tickling charm off himself and sustain his ground again. Shaking himself to think straight again, he pointed his wand once more at the boys.

Remus got to his feet, trying to make a block in between Snape and his friends. "This is completely inane! Stop this!"

As expected, everyone carried on acting foolishly.

"_Tarantellegra_!" Snape yelled again.

"_Protego_!" Sirius blocked the curse.

"I have James' clothes!" Remus announced, holding the bundle of clothing in his arms that was abandoned by Snape as he was now wizard duelling. "Now the duelling can stop, okay?"

As expected, everyone carried on acting foolishly.

As Snape seemed distracted by Sirius, James quickly scrambled over to the frozen Peter who was near the water's edge. Fumbling quickly in his pockets, he rustled around for Peter's wand as some sort of defence.

"_SECTUMSEMPRA_!"

James whirled around, holding Peter's wand in his hand.

"Prongs!"

Though it was too late as Snape's brutal spell slashed him boldly in the chest, splashing blood in all directions. He made a choked coughing sound as his wand hand fell limply, his body arching and falling back into the lake's water. Red coloured water covered everywhere.

"James! _JAMES_!"


	17. Sleep Farts? We've hit an all time low

**Chapter 17**

"PRONGS!" Sirius bellowed the second James' body hit the water with an almighty splash. The terrible scene all seemed to happen in some sort of demented slow motion as the spell had hit him in the chest, making him falter back into the lake water.

"Oh Crap! God! Crap!" Sirius shrieked, each word screamed with the same amount of fear and volume, "God! Crap! God! Crappy! God! Crap! Goddy!"

"Stop with the rambling blasphemy!" Remus howled.

"Sorry!" Sirius quickly apologized. "Don't worry, Prongs, I'll save you!" he cried gallantly. Without a hence thought –which he would really regret later for not doing—he jumped into the lake after James' slowly falling body.

"How many times do we have to go through this, Padfoot?" Remus screamed from the water's edge. "You cannot swim! How many bloody times do you have to jump in to the lake for you to realise that?"

"WAAAH!"

As you can tell, things were pretty disastrous.

Remus Lupin was panicking.

Panic. Panic. Panic.

"Sirius, kick with your feet!" Remus shouted, watching the poor attempts of Sirius Black failing the doggy paddle. "Doggy paddle, Padfoot! DOGGY PADDLE!"

It was rather ironic that Sirius could swim in his animagus form, yet is not able to as a human...or whatever he was classified as.

"WAAAH!"

Luckily the Giant squid noticed the drowning boy polluting his lake water, deafening the creature's ear drums. Scooping impressively with a tentacle, he picked up Sirius and lugged him back to shore in a pretty aggressive temper, showing its annoyance on having to save too many lives lately.

"Doggy paddle," Sirius mumbled, still kicking out his legs and arms as his eyes were closed, obviously unaware that he was now out of water.

One Marauder down, one to go.

Did I mention Remus Lupin was panicking?

Panic. Panic. Panic.

Did I mention James' body had disappeared under water?

Panic. Panic. _Sodding panicking_.

"HEY GIANT SQUID!" Remus yelled, waving his arms outrageously. The squid's tentacles seemed to flap about a bit, so he took this as a greeting and a sign of communication. "FIND BOY UNDERWATER!" He simplified so the instructions were clear enough for a magical creature to understand.

The squid did not react.

Remus wailed in hysteria. "Why aren't you doing anything? You're the saving Giant squid! You're in the lake for a purpose! BE PRODUCTIVE!"

Remus received a rather large wave of lake water at that particular comment.

He looked to Sirius for some support and help, but he was still lying on the ground, looking soggy and clogged up with water; still wet, and still mumbling, "Doggy paddle..." as he kicked out his legs.

"You're colossal!" Remus continued. "You're the prodigious squid! Help my friend, you incompetent, overgrown sea beast!"

Remus received yet another large wave of lake water at that particular comment.

"Stop talking to the squid, Moony," Sirius coughed up spurts of water, struggling to his feet. He managed to stable on his legs and held on to Remus' shoulder with an odd look of despair, which you knew he must have practised in front of a mirror at some point or another. "Help James!" Sirius pleaded. "Hurry, Moony!"

Remus blanched. "Me?"

Remus-MUH-HOONY-Lupin was not the First-To-Jump-To-Heroics type. He stuck in the background, like rather weary and tattered antique wallpaper, which was still rather quirky to have and that you were rather fond of.

Remus Lupin was James' minion.

Remus Lupin was Peter's homework-helper.

Remus Lupin was Sirius' bitch.

...As Sirius so claimed, yet Remus never agreed to.

Remus did not do spontaneous bursts of courageous rescues - Remus knew it, Sirius knew it - heck, even the Giant squid knew it.

"Oh, I see what's going on," snarled Remus, directing his anger still at the squid. "This is some kind of conspiracy, isn't it?" He pointed his finger at a moving tentacle. "I know what's going on. You're trying to make some sort of point, aren't you? Deliberately not saving James! You're trying to make some hidden streak erupt from inside of me so I will have to save him! Aren't you! _Aren't you_! Corruptive," he roared. "_Corruptive_!"

"Moony," Sirius coughed again, "For the love of Merlin, stop talking to the squid."

"Well, I will tell you now, sea creature," Remus spoke curtly with his hands on his waist. "I will not agree to this ridiculous, absurd, simply incomprehensible plan to get me in the water! I refuse! I refuse! I refuse with VIGOUR!"

That's why Remus had just took of his socks and shoes, rolled up his sleeves, and dived into the lake water with extra incentive.

Sirius watched at the lake's edge, panting. Finally remembering the cause to why this had all happened in the first place, he whirled around angrily with his wand arm poised in the air. But, of course, Severus Snape had disappeared, James Potter's clothes dropped to the ground.

"No," Sirius swore loudly. He whipped round, searching for Snape; wishing his face to appear so he could punch it off with his bare hands. "No, damn it! Aaargh, bloody bastardy Snape!" He yelled in frustration. As he was about to follow the trail back inside the castle and catch up to Snape who was probably escaping to his common room, an almighty gasp of breath broke through the lake's surface.

Remus' head appeared as he desperately tried to hold the worsening James from falling deep underwater. Sirius watched as Remus slowly got closer to shore as he dragged James limply along with him.

There was too much blood.

It was like whacking at the bottom of a bottle of ketchup and ending up with a heave of tomato sauce all over your meal.

James was like a plate of chips with too much ketchup on them.

"I don't understand the ketchup theory, Sirius," Remus wheezed, dragging James to the grass as he tried to shake him out of his unconscious state.

"He's like a plate of chips with too much ketchup on it!" Sirius wailed, "Oh God! Crap! God! Crap! God!-"

"Stop talking, Padfoot," Remus interjected. He took focus back on James and shook his shoulders. "James? James?" He tried to wake him, pressing his hands over his chest to try and stop the bleeding cut.

Suddenly James awoke in outcry and thrust to one side.

"Oh God! James is coughing up water! And he's coughing up blood! He's coughing up bloody water! And vomiting! Oh God! Oh, hell!"

"There is no need of the graphic commentary, Sirius!" Remus struggled to hold his hands over James' chest as the boy continually coughed up many things that weren't recognized. He made a struggled moan as he blacked out once more.

"Did he just cough up an organ?" Sirius pointed, purely hysterical, "I swear I see a lung!"

"Sirius, please, just help—"

"I'LL KILL HIM!" Sirius bawled, with eyes ablaze with rather comical wrath. "I'LL KILL SNIVELLUS AND I'LL MAKE THE HOUSE ELVES COOK HIM IN THE KITCHENS AND I'LL MAKE SLUGHORN EAT HIM AT THE BREAKFAST TABLE!"

"PADFOOT!" Remus snapped, but lessened the growling as Sirius was on the near edge of tears and was simply scandalised that Remus had just snapped at _him_, his buddy, 'Sirius Black's bitch'. "Please," Remus pleaded, "Just help me."

Of course, Sirius calmed his outraged state, but only by first kicking at the beech tree and imagining it as Snape's face, and then hurried at Remus' side to help James into an upright position.

The two friends struggled as they heaved James up by the arms, whilst Sirius tried to keep a hand over James' chest to stop the bleeding, as wisely advised by Remus.

"He's not dying is he, Moony?" Sirius murmured. "Please say he isn't! I don't DO dying!"

Remus quietly told him to 'secure his crevice' and move quickly to the Hospital wing -which Sirius of course took the wrong way and misinterpreted what 'crevice' Remus was talking about, which was obviously the mouth.

Once the boys finally made it inside school and through the corridors to the Hospital wing doors –after many gawks and gaping— Sirius cursed loudly.

Remus looked confused at the outburst. "What?"

"We bloody forgot Wormtail again!"

Meanwhile, Peter lay next to lake, forgotten.

"Where is my page?" Peter groaned from the floor, poking a nasty boil. "Go villain, fetch a surgeon!"

Cricket insect silence made Peter finally aware that he had been abandoned alone.

"They have made worms' meat of me! I have it, and soundly too! Your houses! YOUR—"

Peter gurgled as a large wave of lake water splashed over him.

The Giant squid was not amused.

---------------

"Oh sodding flobberworms," Lily mumbled in the candlelight, in between munching on Every Flavour Jelly Beans, popcorn flavoured.

Lily was sitting by James' Hospital wing bed in the late hours of the same day, after she had managed to persuade Madam Pomfrey that visiting the currently permanent slumbering James was more useful than sleeping. Luckily, she had not met up with any of the Marauders that day, turning up to the visit James when they had just left and not seeing each other to converse - which was a particularly good thing for Lily.

Besides, 'the short plump one' known as boil-faced Peter Pettigrew was lying on the next bed to James' anyway. That was enough Marauders as she could manage at a time.

"You're an arse," Lily murmured, directing the statement at the sleeping James as her fingers fidgeted with his bed sheet, "A stupid arse."

She didn't really know much of the details of the 'fight'. All she'd heard from gossiping students was that 'James and Snape had gotten into a fight and James got a major hiding! I heard from that Sirius bloke there was tomato ketchup everywhere. Didn't make much sense. You know him, too much Firewhiskey.'

"Sodding flobberworms," Lily cursed again, tapping her fingers impatiently at the bed sheet. She wouldn't wake him up because he obviously needed the rest, as Madam Pomfrey had insisted.

That was why her hand was drifting over to James' as she was about to prod him awake.

Lily flinched. "What's happening to me?" she asked aloud, stopping herself the second her hand nearly touched his.

She really didn't know what she had felt when she heard the news. Shock?

Yes, because James was rarely the one to be on the receiving end of a fight against Snape.

Pain?

Yes, because she was feeling a little bloated ever since that heavy dinner.

Guilt?

Oh yes, she was feeling that.

She was jumping to conclusions; the one bad trait that people wished weren't inside them.

"You attacked Snape because you saw me with him earlier, didn't you?"

She really didn't know why she was talking to a sleeping James, but that's just what people did, didn't they? They liked having conversations with ill people that couldn't answer back, because then actual communicating would happen. And they wouldn't want that, would they?

"You attacked Snape because of me," Lily carried on, "And you got hurt...because of me." She bowed her head and sighed. "When will you just...move on from me?"

James made an unflattering snore in his sleep and twitched his nose.

"You have to get over this...er..." Lily paused, looking for the right word to describe James' obsession with her, "Crush...with me."

James made another unflattering snore and Lily was starting to think he should see professional help about it.

"Because," Lily tried to find her voice, "I don't want to see you back in here again because of me."

Determindley, she looked at James as if he were awake and looking her deeply in the eye. "If we were together...you'd only get yourself into trouble and get hurt because you care too much about me. Like what happened with Snape," she suggested, unaware that she was completely misunderstanding what had happened, "That's why you should just move on from me. Go find another girl. Someone else, _anyone_ else," she emphasized. "Well, not anyone, as in a man. Because you're straight, aren't you? Oh God, please say you're not gay! Did I kiss a gay guy as well as a cat? Sodding flobberworms!"

Lily took an intake of breath as James flinched in his sleep but gradually soothed back again. She cradled her head in her hands and tried to calm herself down. "Don't let Madam Pomfrey see another reason to send you off to St. Mungo's," she muttered to herself.

She grumbled and took another jellybean from the bombards of sweets that she assumed Sirius had stocked beside James' bed, so much that the smell of candy was slightly overpowering.

She winced, chewing on her onion flavoured jellybean. "I'm glad you were just 'growing on me'," she faked a smile, "Before I actually started falling in..." She stopped herself from carrying on. She somehow found her hand wandering again to close over James' again.

She was terrifying herself.

"Stop it stop it stop it," Lily hissed, ordering the hand. But just as Lily's hand nearly grazed with James', the boy did the most cringe worthy moment of the night.

He did a Sleep Fart.

This was an impressive speciality by Sirius Black, rivalled by Peter Pettigrew, who both somehow farted in the sixth year dormitory unconsciously in their sleep. Meanwhile, Remus scolded them both and told them to 'block up your crevices!', definitely not meaning the mouth in this particular sentence.

James' sleep fart was more of the smelliness than on the noise barometer.

"Eurgh!" Lily squeaked, jumping from her seat with a hand covering her face. "Boys are disgusting," she winced, making a definite choking sound.

"Ah, Miss Evans," Madam Pomfrey greeted her, exiting her office. "Visiting hours really is over now. You really do have to get back to your dormitory and get some sleep for classes tomorrow," she looked at Lily disapprovingly, "I don't want any arguments now—"

"Okay! I'll be going now!"

"And I don't want your stubborn attitude about how you want to stay next to Potter's side and—wait, what?"

Lily was already hurrying towards the exit, her hands still used as a gas mask. "I'll be going now, Madam Pom Poms—I mean, Pomfrey," she corrected herself.

The older witch took a whiff of the air. "Ooo," she winced, "What is that smell?"

"Maybe someone let off a dungbomb?" Lily suggested, "Got to go! Bye!"

Shrugging her shoulders, Madam Pomfrey ambled her way back into her office, whilst Lily hurried out of the Hospital wing and shut the doors quickly behind her.

A couple of minutes after the doors closed, a gap instantly opened as something invisible - or more specifically somebody invisible, or even more specifically; two invisible somebody's slipped inside.

"This is so like what the Muggle secret agents do, you know. Sneaking. Suuuuneeakin'."

"I highly doubt Muggle secret agents have invisibility cloaks."

"Must you always ruin my fun?"

"Keep your voice down, voice projector. Really, it's like you talk into a microphone half the time."

"WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?"

"Stop it!"

"I'm sorry; I did that last one on purpose. It's fun just yelling randomly though. Like...THIS! BOO! Har har! BOO! Ha, you fell for it again! You're so jumpy, it's hilarious. Like a ferret. You should see someone about it y'know, it could turn into some sort of life-threatening phobia...BOO!"

"It wasn't funny the first time you did that, nor was it comical the fifty seventh."

Suddenly, Madam Pomfrey bustled back into the wing and made Sirius and Remus freeze under the cloak.

"This isn't musical statues, Sirius," Remus whispered, trying not to chuckle as Sirius had raised his hands and feet with a frozen shocked expression, looking like a poor undertake of a dinosaur.

"Everybody's doing a brand-new dance, now. Come on, baby, do the loco-motion," Madam Pomfrey hummed as she hovered over the hospital beds, checking James and Peter and straightening out new bed sheets. "I'll know you'll get it to like it if you give it a chance now. Come on, baby, do the loco-motion!"

"Is she humming Grand Funk Railroad?" Sirius whispered. "Groovy!"

The healing witch stopped in her tracks and whirled around, looking for the occupant of the voice.

Sirius and Remus paled, trying not to rustle the cloak. "I am a voice projector!" Sirius hissed in realisation. Remus elbowed him for his loud hissing and made Sirius somehow stumble and falter, making Madam Pomfrey hear the audible shuffling.

Then the witch started walking towards the middle of the room.

"Move, Sirius!" Remus murmured, "Side step, side step!"

Sirius got confused on which direction the side stepping was and bumped into Remus, cursed, then tried side-stepping again but only walked forward, completely confused.

"Side step, fool! Ow, quick, shuffle! Shuffle!"

The two managed to jump out the way as Madam Pomfrey nearly tumbled into them as she'd stridden into the middle of the room, sceptical.

After the two boys managed to crawl hurriedly across the floor, avoiding the witch's legs –but unfortunately not avoiding the big buttocks that threateningly got near to their faces— Madam Pomfrey sighed, blaming her insanity of her late working hours.

"My little baby sister can do it with ease. It's easier than learnin' your A-B-C's. So come on, come on and do the loco-motion with me…" Madam Pomfrey sang, as she exited back into her office.

The second the witch disappeared, the boys lifted the cloak off them.

"Wow, I never knew she liked Grand Funk Railroad."

Remus looked at Sirius indecorously. "Don't you realise how close we were to getting caught?" he hissed.

Sirius clicked his tongue. "Aw, Moony, are you feeling insecure again?"

"What?" Remus said confusedly. "What do my insecurities have to do with this conversation?"

"Do you want a Sirius Hug? C'mon, you know you want one!"

Remus folded his arms. "I am not falling for that trick again!"

"I won't give you a kegging. Truthfully, I don't see what's so bad about giving someone a keg."

"You pulled down my trousers in front of the entire hoard of first years!"

Sirius couldn't understand his annoyance. "It was a Welcome-To-Hogwarts Prank. They were expecting it. Sheesh..."

A loud snore over from James' bed made the two finally realise their purpose for sneaking into the Hospital wing in the first place.

"He's been sleeping all day," Sirius complained, walking over to his bed. "He's pretty boring when he's awake, but he's even more boring when he's asleep."

Once Remus and Sirius joined their injured, sleeping friend by his bedside, they instantly covered their noses as their eyes watered.

"What is that stench?" Remus cried. "It's inhumane!"

"You don't think he's dead already, Moony? Corpses normally smell."

Remus grimaced. "Of course he's not dead. They wouldn't leave his body here to rot out in the open."

Sirius snorted, "They did that with Juliet."

"But she wasn't dead," Remus pointed out tiredly.

"Oh yeah."

"No, Moony, not the nipple crippling," James mumbled, rocking in his sleep. "I promise I'll stop moving the bookmarks in your books for fun and stop charming them into edible chocolate! I didn't know they would melt in the temperature! Aaargh!"

Sirius looked at Remus with raised eyebrows.

"That never happened," Remus muttered.

Sirius –being bored and the good friend he was— wanted James out of his rest so they could chat with him, so using his forefinger and thumb, blocked up James' nose to prevent him from breathing.

"Is that necessary?" Remus murmured, worried as James turned an odd colour in the face. "Okay, stop it now, Sirius. He's not reacting. You may have just smothered him in his sleep."

James finally snapped open his eyes and coughed up for air as Sirius lifted his fingers off his nose.

The boy focused on his friends with squinted eyes. "Is that you, Lily?" James asked, only seeing a blur of colours without his glasses.

With a loud curse of, "of course not, dingleberry, that girl's got you on a leash," a pair of glasses was thrust on his face and his sight came back into focus.

"Oh, hey guys," James greeted his friends, his face showing that he obviously would have preferred a specific redhead then a baboon of a friend and his trainer. "Nice to see you," he feigned a smile involving no teeth, making his jaw look freakishly large and altogether completely false.

James sniffed the air and grimaced. "Eurgh, what died in here?"

"Apparently you," Sirius poked him, "Did you Sleep Fart? It smells like one. I'm particular familiar to them."

James made a scoffing sound. "I DO NOT Sleep Fart, fank you very much."

Sirius gasped. "Did you just thank me with an 'f'? How subtly rude."

There was a deep silence as everyone busied clamping their noses.

"Er...where's Lily?"

"Wow, only thirty seconds until you mentioned her again," Remus commented as he sat down.

Sirius made an ugly face. "It's always about that bird. Lily this," he mimicked a childish voice, "Lily that," he gestured a yapping hand, "Lily spank me..."

"What! I never said that!" James heated in the face.

Sirius wagged a finger at him. "But you were thinking it. I know you were. I was thinking that you were thinking it."

"I was also thinking Sirius was thinking James was thinking that," Peter voiced as he awoke with a yawn from their loud voices.

The boys smiled in surprise. "Hey, Pete, you're up!"

There was silence and everyone expectedly looked at Remus.

"I was not thinking that Peter was thinking that Sirius was thinking that James was thinking that," he scolded them.

"So..." James ruffled his hair, "Has Lily come to see me?"

Remus shrugged his shoulders. "We haven't seen her all afternoon," he indicated to him and Sirius. "Maybe she visited when we weren't here."

Sirius made a cough that sound a lot like the word "unlikely," and Remus elbowed him, making him tumble into a pile of Get Well Soon chocolates and sweets.

"Do you remember what happened, James?" Peter asked quietly.

James clenched a fist. "All I remember is Snape hitting me with that spell and me falling into the lake...Some disgusting Dark arts spell," he cursed, rubbing his painful chest.

"You lost a lot of blood," Remus stated.

Sirius cried dramatically, "You were like a plate of chips with too much ketchup on them..."

James looked at him, puzzled. "You're comparing me to a plate of chips? Are you saying I'm fatty? Are you saying I'm not good for someone? Are you saying I'm not good for Lily? I hate you..."

Remus congratulated James on his quick over-analysing.

"What are you on about, baboon?" Sirius said. "Don't get all Defensive House-wife on me. I saved your life!" He turned his head to the side, looking handsomely heroic.

James looked taken aback and smiled gratefully at his friend. "You saved me, Pad?" He reached out and patted his shoulder. "Thanks, man."

Remus grumbled.

"Well, actually," Sirius cringed, "It was the Moony-man's homophobic spirit in him that saved you," he said proudly.

Remus looked at him indecorously. "Did you just call me homophobic?"

"Oh, sorry. I meant heroic."

James cracked up laughing but only led to outcries of pain and coughing up a little phlegm on his bed sheet.

"Oh, that's lovely," Sirius commented, looking at the spit where his hand had been only seconds before.

Peter yawned, "They mean the same anyway."

The boys looked at him confusedly. "What does?"

"The words heroic and homophobic," Peter explained.

Remus rolled his eyes. "So Superman rescued and helped people because of his homophobic sentiment?"

Peter narrowed his eyes. "Supper man...?"

"Never mind."

Sirius jumped up and down excitedly. "Ooo! Ooo! I have a great Muggle joke to do with Supper man."

"Superman," Remus corrected him.

"Whatever. Anyway, what did the mother say to call Superman for dinner?"

"'Honey, dinner's ready. Come downstairs, pumpkin, before your food gets cold. I baked your favourite mashed potatoes! I know how you love your mash!'" Peter guessed in a high voice. The boys looked at him strangely.

"No," Sirius sent Peter a worried look, "She said, 'Dinnah-dinnah-dinnah-dinnah-Batman! Wait…bugger! Wrong _supper_ hero!"

Remus massaged his eyelids, breathing in through his nose and out of his mouth.

"So," Sirius rubbed his hands together as he sat on James' bed, munching on some Hogsmeade chocolate. "What are you gonna do to get Snivellus back? Get pigeons to rape his buttocks, or something?"

Remus widened his eyes at him. "What is your obsession with that pigeon monstrosity?"

Sirius laughed, "C'mon! It's funny."

James sighed, massaging his neck. "Truthfully, I don't give a toss about Snape. All I care about is Lily."

Sirius made an intake of breath. "What exactly are you saying, Prongsie?"

James stretched. "Instead of trying to kill Snivellus, I'll just concentrate on getting Lily talking to me again."

Sirius' eyes widened. "What!" he cried, pressing hand to James' forehead. "Have you gone mad? You're forehead is hot. Has Madam Pom Poms drugged you? Neglecting prank duties! You must be mentally and physically unstable! Unbalanced, that's what you are!"

James opened his mouth and threatened to cough up phlegm on him.

"Well," Sirius began, in a clearly miffed tone, putting his hands on his waist, "If you're not going to prank him for nearly killing you; me, Pete and Moony will have to instead."

Peter forced a cough. "Well, actually..." Sirius raised his eyebrows and Peter slightly moistened himself. "Madam Pomfrey said I might need a few days in here to recover," he mumbled.

"You spend so much time in the Hospital wing, you might as well get permanent living accommodations," James laughed.

Sirius wagged a finger at Peter, particularly liking to wag fingers at people that night. "What are you Wormtail, a man or a mouse?"

"Actually, I'm a rat," Peter joked, laughing out loud hysterically. "Get it? Get it, a rat? 'Cause I'm a rat? Y'know? Heh heh, heh—"

Sirius interjected, "You have to help us prank Snivellus, Pete! How could you be so selfish to get injured like this?"

Peter reddened in annoyance. "You left me by the lake for _two hours_ until a group of seventh years undressed me and left me in my underwear! Then a group of first years thought I was a dead body so gave me a funeral sending and tried to dig a hole to burry me alive, but gave up half way so just left me in a big hole covered in leaves! And _then_ a group of fifth years came along and also thought I was dead, tried to cremate me, lighting up the leaves with Flagrate spells!"

The boys gawked at him animatedly.

"You just made that last one up," Sirius said, unconvinced.

Peter raised an arm from under his bed sheet to show the burn marks.

"Jesus..." Sirius murmured. "Some of these Hogwarts guys can be really harsh, even worse pranksters than us."

"They were girls..." Peter mumbled, facing away from his friends as he feigned sleeping.

Sirius laughed nervously, "Well then, PP is excused out of the Snivellus massacring."

"Did you just say pee-pee?" James echoed.

Sirius grinned, "Yeah, his initials sound like urine! Isn't it G-REAT?"

Remus again massaged his eyelids, breathing in through his nose and out of his mouth.

"So, it's just you and me, Muh-hoony!" Sirius said excitedly, rubbing his hand on his head, giving him a noogie.

"I will only remind you the dangers of pranking and the extensive precautionary rules to trying to massacre some one, until I eventually bore you death or you give up the idea completely."

Sirius gasped as if he were burned. "Fine!" he said, in a tone which clearly stated he was not, "Fine! I'll prank Snivellus by myself. But you'll be sorry when I have the medal for honouree homophobic-ness...I mean heroicness! HEROICNESS, damn it! Why are those words so bloody similar?"

At the cry of the outburst, it had seemed that Sirius' loudness had just got the teensiest too loud as they heard the sound of incoming footsteps. Remus quickly tugged the invisibility cloak back over them - which aggravated James slightly as to how they were using his objects without his permission. Quickly shutting his eyes, James faked slow breathing as Madam Pomfrey came into the room once more.

"Scuff, Padfoot! Scuff quickly!" Remus hissed in his ear.

"Scuff? What the hell's that supposed to mean! A combination of Sirius and handcuffs?"

Madam Pomfrey marched into the room suspiciously, hearing the murmuring voices; she seemed to do some sort of odd dance as she walked around, as if she was trying to purposely catch them by bumping into the boys.

"Move! Move!" Remus ordered. They both jumped out of the way as Madam Pomfrey treaded.

The two froze again, trying not to rustle once more. Sirius made the same ridiculous pose as if he were playing musical statues, hands positioned out on front of him as if he were grabbing on to thin air. Trust him to make a perverted statue, dirty minded boy.

But, unexpectedly, Madam Pomfrey whirled around and bumped into the invisible Sirius, inconveniently placed in front of him, and the most disastrous thing happened.

Madam Pomfrey's chest bumped into Sirius' positioned hands.

And before he knew it, his hands had unconsciously touched the woman's breasts.

"AAARGH!" The witch screamed, placing her hands over her chest in shock at the invisible action.

"OH MY GOD!" Sirius shrieked. "MY HANDS TOUCHED HER MELONS!"

"OH MY GOD, YOUR HANDS TOUCHED HER BRISTOLS!" Remus also screamed with horror, both unaware that screaming was not wise at this particular moment.

"What are 'Bristols'?" Sirius asked curiously.

"An offensive slang word used for a women's breasts," Remus explained.

There were at least five seconds of silence until the three of them started wailing again.

"AAARGH!"

And, on that note, Sirius and Remus sprinted out of the Hospital wing with the cloak covering them, howling as they ran.

"Come back here, Peeves!" Madame Pomfrey commanded horrifically, confusing James and Peter as they listened to the disturbing scene in their beds. "I told you before: if you felt me up again one more time, I'd go tell Dumbledore about your disgusting behaviour!"

"Gavommiting," Peter mumbled.

--------------

_"Monday morning..."_

"BAH-DAH! BAH-DAH-DAH-DAH!"

_"Not good to be..."_

"BAH-DAH! BAH-DAH-DAH-DAH!"

_"James Potter in _

_the Hoooospital wing_

_with Madam Pomfrey!"_

"BAH-DAH! BAH-DAH-DAH-DAH!"

_"Oh Madam Pom Pom, gimme a condom-"_

"WHAT?"

"_I was joooking_!"

"BAH-DAH! BAH-DAH-DAH-DAH!"

_"Oh Madam Pom Pom, why don't you shake_

_your pom pom's with meee!"_

"BAH-DAH! BA—"

"Shut up!" James bellowed, awakening from his sleep. He grabbed his glasses and put them on, shielding the morning light rays. "Shut up, shut up, _shut up_!"

He focused in on Sirius who was standing by his bed who showed a hurt expression, whilst Peter made an upside down mouth as he'd clearly been enjoying the background singing.

"Don't worry, Pete," Sirius patted his arm, making him groan as he'd burst a painful boil, "You're background 'BAH-DAH's were fantastic."

"Fantastically out of tune," Remus grumbled, trying to unblock an ear.

"Sirius, for Christ's sake," James sighed, "Will you ever stop singing random songs that probably haven't been written yet and are completely out of this time period?"

Sirius looked at him blankly. "Wha...?"

"Never mind."

Madam Pomfrey toddled up the four boys, black panda eyes clearly noticeable from a bad night's sleep.

I wonder why.

"Black, I'd appreciate it if you didn't burst everyone's ear drums with your high pitched singing, giving me more people to heal."

Sirius stuck out his lower lip, "Sorry, Madam Pom Poms."

"Pomfrey, Black. _Pomfrey_," she sighed in correction. "Now, I don't want you boys straggling around here," she pointed a finger disapprovingly at Sirius and Remus, "Just a quick chat and leave Mr. Potter and Pettigrew to rest. You boys have classes soon."

Sirius made an exaggerated moan and collapsed to his knees, putting his hands together in praying pleading. "Please Poppy! If I injure myself, will you let me stay here so I won't have to go to Transfiguration?"

Madam Pomfrey shook her head. "I do not want you self harming yourself purposely. And no more eating objects that aren't edible! It's simply foolish to do such dangerously harming things to get out of lessons! Swallowing chewy bones, I mean, honestly, I've never seen anything like it!"

"But, Poppy!" Sirius cried. "Minerva will try to kill me anyway, so I will eventually end up here at some point of the day."

"No means no, Black. And don't call adults by their first name. It's rude and downright...strange," Madam Pomfrey finished, leaving the boys to talk for a few minutes as she went back into her office.

The second the witch left, James smirked at Sirius, "You touched her boobs! Eeeeew!"

Sirius reddened. "Not voluntarily!" he protested.

"What did they feel like?"

The boys turned to look at Peter at the perverted comment, surprised that it hadn't come out of Sirius' mouth.

"I'm not gonna answer that, Wormtail!" Sirius said. "That's just revolting!"

Remus looked blankly in between the boys. "Have you two just swapped bodies or something?"

Sirius flicked him in the nose. "Shut up, Moony. I'm not the perverted one all the time, y'know."

There was silence and the friends looked at each other in turn.

"But what did they feel like, Padfoot?"

"Shut up, Wormtail!"

Peter chuckled and put his hands up in defence. "I was joking! I really was."

"You better've been."

"Seriously, were they firm—OW!"

"That slap was necessary, Pete," Sirius told him in a parental way. Peter rubbed the back of his head and sulked. When James and Remus seemed to be talking in deep conversation, Sirius stared, noticing their lack of attention to him, and used this available opportunity to describe Madam Pom Pom's breasts to Peter.

"You told her?" Remus said, completely flabbergasted. "You told Lily she kissed a cat? _Why_?"

James knocked his head repeatedly on the hard bed post, which Remus eventually stopped after the eleventh knock. "I just accidentally blurted out that we'd had a first kiss, which obviously wasn't notified to Lily as the first because the first kiss she had with me was when I was naked in a robe and –oh yeah— that was a bloody cat!" He tried to calm his temper as he started coughing again, stopping himself before he emptied phlegm over Remus' face.

"Did you try talking to her?" Remus asked. "Apologizing to her?"

James flushed. "Well," he began weakly, and Remus instantly prepared himself for the worse, "If by apologize, you mean grab and kiss her again...then sure, I did apologize."

Remus groaned, inwardly and outwardly. "Why on earth did you do that?"

"Because I'm stupid, I'm stupid with a double 'o'! In fact, I'm _stoopid_!" James cried. "I just saw her with Snape and I wanted to kiss her. And then she kicked me in the gonads-" Remus winced "-and it hurt."

"I can imagine," Remus said weakly. "But why did you do it? When she was purely aggravated with you, you just had to—"

"JELLY, my Wormtail papoose, JELLY."

James and Remus snapped their heads to stare at Sirius who was talking audibly with Peter. Sirius looked back at them in return, noticing their gaze on him. "Um, sorry for talking over you…carry on," he batted a hand, talking more quietly.

James returned back to the conversation of Lily. "Well it works in the Muggle films, Moony! You just grab 'em and kiss 'em and they're too turned on to stop!"

Remus grimaced at the detail. "James, they are Muggle films. They're not real. They're acting. _It's called fiction_. Not everything conjured up exists. Like Fairies do not exist," Remus teased, "No wait—yes they do...I mean, giants don't...oh bugger, well, they do as well. But unicorns—_bugger_! Okay, not using the illustration of magical creatures then; Father Christmas does not exist."

"You lie!"

"Okay, let's just change the subject," Remus said, truly unbalanced.

"POINTY, my Wormtail papoose. POI—why are you two looking at me like that?"

"What the hell are you talking about, Sirius?" James interrogated.

Sirius laughed, "Nothing, nothing. The conversation is over with now," he declared, but whispered a, "We'll talk later, Pete. So, what are you guys talking about? Lily, I presume?" he guessed. "So you guys did exchange each other's spit and wrestle tongues?"

James slightly grimaced. "Not when you say it like that, please."

"What was it like?"

Again, the boys turned to look at the newly appointed perverted Peter who was looking with curious eyes.

After few minutes of silence, James finally asked, "Why are you looking at me like that, Wormtail? I'm not going to bloody tell you!"

Peter made a disappointed sound. "Oh, but James, I will never experience canoodling. I just want to know what it's like..."

Sirius took pity on him and clamped him on the back. "I'm sure you have! I'm sure you told me in fifth year how you kissed a girl in your first year," he thumped the air, "_Score_!"

Remus tried to ignore the offensive terms of congratulating kissing a girl as if it were a game of quidditch.

"No," Peter shook his head, "I said I kissed a first year girl...when I was a fifth year..."

There was notable muteness as the boys inwardly vomited, if that were even possible.

"You really need a girlfriend, mate," James said unsympathetically.

"Besides, PP Peter," Sirius returned to Peter's new nickname, "Kissing isn't anything special. It's like...chewing on a large yummy toffee!"

"What is the toffee representing in this metaphor?" Remus frowned. "Actually, I don't want to know."

James put his hands up in frustration. "Guys, can you please concentrate on me here! Lily's not talking to me AGAIN. Give me helpful advice, for once!"

The boys looked at him blankly.

"Okay, just give me any advice!"

"Just grab her and kiss her!" Sirius suggested.

Remus rolled his eyes. "Kissing is not the answer to everything, Sirius."

Sirius raised an eyebrow, "You'd be surprised..."

"Besides, James already grabbed and kissed her and she kicked him in the gonads."

Sirius winced. "Owie..."

"Look, James," Remus began, and James listened because his plans were normally the most intelligent and less insane. "Tomorrow, when you're out of the Hospital wing, just try and talk to Lily again and don't take no for an answer. Do not kiss her," he warned.

"Unless she wants to," Sirius added cheekily.

James nodded, understanding all the instructions; well, _looking _as if he understood. "Right," he nodded eagerly, "Take no for answer and kiss her," he concluded.

"No!" Remus groaned. "DON'T take no for an answer. DO NOT KISS HER."

James nodded again. "Right, take any answer and kiss her."

Remus started smacking his head against the bed post. "I give up..."

Madam Pomfrey ambled back in the Hospital wing for the final time and eyed the boys in annoyance. "Get to class!" she ordered.

"But, Poppy—" Sirius began.

"No, Black," she cut in.

"Not even if I," Sirius paused and exercised his singing lungs, "Do the locomotion with you?"

Madam Pomfrey looked at him blankly. "I haven't got the foggiest idea what you're talking about."

"What? But you were singing it! I heard you! Remus and I—"

"That is enough nonsense, Black."

"But—"

"I will not put you in a dreamless sleep! Now, get going!"

------------

"_Everybody's doin' a brand new dance now. Come on baby; do the loco-motin_—damn it! Who got that stupid song in my head?"

Lily hurried to her first lesson of Transfiguration. She'd had particularly a sleepless night thinking about an obsessive stalker named James-bloody-Potter; extra emphasis on 'bloody'.

All night she kept having dreams of James and Snape wizard duelling, until Snape somehow got the better hand and pushed James to the floor, screaming the Avada Kedavra killing curse and green light casing everywhere, then, oddly, Sirius and Remus skipped along passed the scene in a tutu whilst Remus complained about why they had to look femininely pink and discussed whether Lily was on crack. She'd woken up gasping for air and covered in sweat.

She'd visited James in the early hours of the morning but he'd predictably been asleep, leaving her to daze wondrously at his bed side and wonder what exactly she was doing there.

"_So, come on, come on, and do the loco-motion with_…shut up! Stupid song!"

She quickened her steps to the classroom until she finally made it outside the doors where students were hanging outside in small groups. Wondering why nobody had entered yet, she made her way up to the door and turned the handle to open it and investigate.

Lily screamed.

She didn't know what it was but she instantly screamed, along with the rest of the surrounding students, as a big white of mass erupted from the classroom and engulfed everyone in what appeared to be wet...foam?

"What the hell is going on?" Lily yelled, trying to make her way through the nearly shoulder height thick foam that had suddenly filled up the corridor.

"Save the small ones! Save the midgets!" A tall student cried. He scooped up the smaller students rather heroically as they appeared to be drowning in said foam, collecting them on his shoulder and back.

"Aargh, my clothes!" Lily fumed as her uniform was now wet and foamy. "I'll KILL who ever did this! Mark my words!"

Suddenly a head popped out from the froth in front of her and she shrieked.

"Look, I'm Santa!" Sirius laughed, the white foam placed boldly upon his head and at the bottom of his chin, mimicking grey hair. "HO, HO, HO!"

Remus suddenly appeared at Sirius' side after making a trail through the foamed corridor. "Sirius! How did you even do this?" he asked, infuriated yet mildly impressed.

Sirius tried to look oblivious and started placing foam on Remus face so he now portrayed a long beard wobbling from his chin. "You're Dumbledore! Har har!"

Lily burst with anger. "You did this!" She cracked a knuckle.

"No!" Sirius said unconvincingly. "What makes you think that?"

Lily pointed to the wall beside them where the words 'SIRIUS DID THIS' were written messily with a lathered finger.

"Okay, maybe _that _was a little unnecessary," Sirius mumbled.

Lily splashed her hands in the foam with annoyance. "What was the point in even doing this, wanker?"

"Because I didn't want to go to Transfiguration and see McGonagall," Sirius explained, as if the answer was obvious.

"But she'll still kill you when she finds out you did this," Remus pointed out.

Comprehension dawned on his face and he waddled through the foam, wiped his 'SIRIUS DID THIS' message from the wall and came back over to them. "Okay, there's no evidence now," he grinned. He grabbed a handful of suds and started rubbing it on Lily's head, so now it appeared like she had devil horns.

"Hey, the smoke coming out of your nose matches your devil horns," Sirius pointed. As he added a small dab of foam on to Lily's lower lip -making her look strangely like Hitler- she finally snapped and pushed Sirius into the thick bubbles.

"Aaah! My eyes!" Sirius howled, rubbing his eyelids, "BLINDING PAIN!"

Lily gasped. "Are you okay? I didn't mean to—"

"JOKE!" Sirius yelled, pushing Lily into the foam. She fell into a mass of the white bubbles and struggled to get to her feet again, only falling and slipping. Once she finally remained her balance, she glared whilst looking like a giant white malteser.

"Oh, you LYING ARSE!" she roared.

"FOAM FIGHT!" Sirius announced.

This proclamation took at least three seconds for the Transfiguration class to process, until everyone started grabbing fistfuls of foam and stuffing it in people's eyes and into people's mouth - it was all extremely dangerous fun.

"Aaaah! Stop it! Stop it!" Sirius yelped, who had somehow been turned against by both Lily and Remus who were stuffing foam down his trousers and shirt. "It's tickly! Stop it!" He laughed. "I wonder where McGonagall is—"

" BLACK!"

"Uh oh."

The professor suddenly appeared in the foam next to the fighting trio, coughing as the frothiness engulfed her. She tried to look intimidating but foam sticking to her clothes and the suds making her sneeze was just too humorous to not laugh off.

"Black!" She shouted in frustration.

Sirius didn't know what else to do except grab some foam and shape a lathering white beard and moustache on Professor McGonagall's face. Once Sirius had finished the art with a white foamy bobble to her hat, he said a hopeful "Ho ho?" and disappeared downwards into the bubbles.


	18. One step too far

**Chapter 18**

"What do you think you were doing? The corridor and my classroom are not playgrounds for your amusement!"

Sirius sniffed out the last bubbles of foam that were stuffed up his nose, once, twice, and three times, before focusing his attention on the professor, thoroughly resembling a sneezing cat. "I'm sorry, what?"

McGonagall sat behind the desk of her office, trying to bulge and twitch one eye in a sort of menacing way to terrify him. But this only led to her cursing as she removed her glasses, wiping the corners of eye that foam had somehow gotten into.

"Professor," Lily began, raising a hand politely, "I really don't understand why I have to be present here. I was not involved with Sirius and his prank."

McGonagall made another curse of, 'For Merlin's sake...' as she tried to fix the hair in her bun tidily as the suds had seemed to give her a frizzy afro.

"Miss Evans, I do believe I caught you in the middle of trying to blind Black here with lather." Lily reddened and glared significantly at Sirius. "That was unacceptable behaviour, but do not worry, I will be seeing others later for taking part in the - what was it you called it, Black? 'Foam fight'?" she quoted disapprovingly.

"Minerva! Do not flatter me so!" Sirius laughed. This was not a wise move as his lathery hand left a wet hand print on an apparently important piece of parchment, guessing from McGonagall's wince as she snatched the document away and tapped it dry with her wand.

Just as the professor was about to launch into another speech of gnashing teeth, the sound of scratching made her flinch.

"Lupin, what is the matter with you?" she asked impatiently.

Remus sat uncomfortably in between Sirius and Lily with a reddening face, scratching feverishly at his arms, face, elbows...any limbs that were available to scratch in front of a teacher, or human being.

"Sorry, professor," Remus apologized embarrassingly. "I think I'm allergic to the foam..."

Sirius snorted. "You're allergic to everything, Moony!"

"Including you," Remus gritted through his teeth.

McGonagall looked back and forth between the two, gawking as they continued to have a private conversation without her consent.

"What are you saying, Moony?" Sirius pouted. "That I give you rashes?"

"If you hadn't bit my neck I wouldn't have worn that stupid scarf and gotten the neck rash," Remus reminded him, self-consciously rubbing at his skin.

"Oh, that," Sirius said, forgetting that ridiculous incident long ago, "How's that love bite, then? You have spread around that it was that suh-hexy Hufflepuff that gave you it, right?"

Lily gawked in confusion. "Did you just say sexy with an 'h'?" she asked, leaning over Remus.

Sirius ignored her and thrust a soapy hand in her face. "C'mon Moony, let me see it then, see if it the love bite's gone down or not."

Remus looked at him in disbelief, glancing at McGonagall out of the corner of his eye who seemed to be shaking in anger, foam bubbles protruding off her into the air.

"Sirius, I don't really think this is the time, nor the pla—aaargh!"

Sirius grabbed Remus' neck, examining it closely - the problem was Sirius was kind of twisting his neck in an unnatural position, causing Remus an inordinate amount of pain.

"Yep, just as I thought," Sirius said in a doctor-like examination voice. "It's fading, Moony. If you want, I can renew it for you-"

"Will you two save it for the bedroom?" Lily cut in.

The three sixth years cut off to look at the professor who seemed to be doing an odd sort of meditation as she shut her eyes, mumbling incomprehensible things to herself.

"Eight...students, no sense of propriety...nine...breathe...and...ten." She snapped open her eyes and tried to remain calm. "Black, Lupin, I do appreciate if you do not carry on speaking as if I am not here. The longer you chat, the longer you will be in here."

Sirius made an exaggerated moan. "Uuurgh, don't you hate it when people say that?"

Remus blinked a few times and finally turned his head, realising Sirius was surprisingly talking to him. "What?" he murmured confusedly.

"When professors say," Sirius carried on, completely ignoring the fact that he was slandering a teacher when one was presently in the room and preferably at arm's length, perfect for strangling, "'Ooo!" Sirius adopted a dramatic voice, "the longer you talk the longer you will be in here!'" He wagged his finger.

Lily leaned over ever so slightly to him and hissed 'shut up!' in disguise of a cough. Of course, Sirius could not understand fake coughing and the technique of communicating and saying words in between.

"Hmm," Sirius eyed Lily suspiciously. He ogled at her for a second more, catching McGonagall's eye and miming clearly, 'Smoker's lungs...'

Lily reddened in anger. "You better have not mouthed what I think you just mouthed, tosser," she whispered, practically climbing over Remus to get her hands on Sirius' face, rip it off, then frame it on a wall like a beheaded house-elf, but Sirius bravely talked over her.

"But don't you find it annoying when teachers say that?" he carried on, apparently still addressing Remus. "Because you know no matter that they say it won't matter if you talk or not because you'll still be in there the same amount of time. It's all bollocks and-"

Sirius shrieked as McGonagall's hand came forward. "CHILD ABUSE!" He squeaked, shutting his eyes, expecting physical damage to his lungs or other possible organs as she thrust her hand towards him.

After a few seconds of nothing touching him, he squinted open an eye and discovered the dreaded tartan biscuit tin in front of his eyes, open and full of ginger newts. He breathed a sigh of relief.

"Biscuits?" Lily mumbled confusedly, not knowing McGonagall's routine of force-feeding ginger newts to students as she had never been in trouble with McGonagall before. "I would have preferred if she'd just punched him instead," she mumbled acidly.

As Sirius was still in shock, remaining frozen, McGonagall moved the tartan tin to Remus who was still scratching feverishly.

"Biscuit, Lupin," she commanded.

"Er, no thank you. I just had an apple and-"

"Biscuit. Lupin."

"What a splendid idea!" Remus said at once, cowering under her gaze. "Discard the apple! You know what the Muggles say: a ginger newt a day keeps the doctor away!" he laughed nervously, picking up a biscuit and stuffing it in his mouth so he wouldn't ramble any more incoherent Muggle sayings which did not exist, nor make sense.

The professor smiled rather manically at Lily next. "Biscuit, Evans?"

She looked at McGonagall blankly, rather perplexed by the situation of a professor handing out biscuits when she should have been handing out things like, you know, detention?

"I don't understand," she admitted, puzzled.

McGonagall's smile disappeared. _Not_ understanding and _not_ taking a ginger newt was _not_ an option in the office of the Gryffindor Head of house.

"It's quite a simple question, Miss Evans. Take a biscuit."

"But you just said it was a question, but you're commanding me to take a-"

"For Merlin's sake," Sirius butted in, now fully recovered. "Just take the damn biscuit."

McGonagall glared at him for his use of language but continued to poke the tartan tin in front of Lily's face, even adding a jingling shuffle to it.

"Well, I am rather famished," Lily lied. She spun a finger over the tin and waved it round as she tried to pick out a selected biscuit but discovered them all to be ginger newts anyway. She hated anything ginger. Really, what was the woman's obsession with those particular biscuits?

"My favourite!" Lily fibbed, trying to get on the professor's good side. Sirius muttered something distinguishingly similar to the words, 'butt licker...'

Lily shone a fake smile, picking out a biscuit and hesitantly bringing it to her mouth, nibbling it like a hamster.

"And finally, a biscuit for Black," McGonagall said.

Sirius rubbed his hands together before thrusting his hand in the tin, juggling his fingers through the ginger newts, touching every single biscuit which would probably be contaminated for the next person who came into that office and angered McGonagall, and was then offered a ginger newt to eat.

"Inie -meanie-miny-mo, catch a Moony by the toe," Sirius sang, swirling his hand in the tin. "If he squeals, call him a pansy, inie-meany-miny-mo!" He picked up the 'mo!' biscuit but discarded it milliseconds later on the grounds of it not taking 'his fancy'.

"They're all identical ginger newts, Sirius," Remus pointed out the minimal choice.

"You should buy one of those selection boxes, y'know," Sirius advised the professor, examining a biscuit as he held it up the window for light. "Oo, hair on that one," he commented, chucking the biscuit back inside. "Anyway." He spun his hand back in again. "The Muggles sell those selection boxes with all flavours! But there's always a manky flavour left that nobody eats, like the plain biscuits or those cream things..."

He picked up another ginger newt and sniffed. "Oo, smells a bit rank, that one," he stated, discarding it back in the tin. McGonagall's hand started shaking with annoyance as she held the tin, but Sirius was oblivious to it, even when McGonagall's hand was shaking so much that the ginger newt had nearly missed aim as the tin had moved so out of place.

"But, you know," Sirius finally chose a ginger newt and stuffed it in his mouth, chewing openly. "You should just buy chocolate digestives. They're my favourite-o, Minnie Mouse."

"WHAT DID YOU JUST CALL ME?"

Sirius winced. "Woops. I stepped over the line again, didn't I?"

Lily sent him an outrageous look that said that he had clearly stepped over the line yonks ago, being so far past 'the line' that it was a tiny little dot mocking him from afar. McGonagall massaged the temples of her head with her forefingers; eyes shut yet eyelids somehow still glaring at Sirius. "Miss Evans and Mr Lupin," she said, "could you please step outside so I can speak to Black in private?"

The two took no time to argue and quickly jumped to their feet, stepping round the chairs and already sprinting to the exit door.

"Muh-hoony!" Sirius hissed, making Remus glance behind on his departure. Sirius magnified his puppy dog eyes and showed a terrified look. "Don't leave me with her!"

Remus was about to answer but took one look at the professor and knew that company was not an option.

'Sorry!' Remus mouthed, following Lily out the door.

"Oh, I am so going to keg you later," Sirius cursed him as the door slammed shut.

Remus and Lily breathed sighs of relief the second they made it into the corridor and collapsed against the wall of McGonagall's office. They both looked down the corridor and spotted a long queue of students lined up to enter the professor's office next.

"Wow, McGonagall's got a lot of punishments to give out today," Lily mumbled.

"Somehow I think Sirius will get the worst," Remus said dreadfully.

"Really?" Lily said sarcastically. "What makes you think that?"

"WHAT ON EARTH POSSESSED YOU?" McGonagall's voice rang through the door. The words of 'HAD ENOUGH', 'HANGING BY A THREAD' and 'RIDICULOUS ANTICS' were shouted audibly afterwards.

Lily shone an evil smile. "He deserves whatever sentence he gets."

"STEALING SCHOOL CARRIAGES! RIDING A RAMPAGE WITH A HIPPOGRIFF IN HOGSMEADE STREETS! BLATANTLY AVOIDING ME SO I CANNOT PUNISH YOU! FILLING UP MY CLASSROOM WITH FOAM!"

Lily waggled a finger in her ear at the ear-piercing shrieks. "I'm going back to the common room. Are you coming?" she asked Remus.

He shook his head tiredly and took an uncomfortable seat on the corridor floor. "Have to wait for Sirius," he sighed.

Lily smiled. "What would he do without you, eh?"

"Probably get lost, then sent to a dog pound and be put down..."

"What?" she replied confusedly.

"AND FIREWORKS, MR. BLACK! Writing filthy messages about your Head of house and highly honourable Headmaster will not do you any favours at all! And don't you dare to try and charm your way out of it! I know from many methodical sources that it was YOU who was responsible! Writing 'Mcgonagall likes to lick Dumbledore's chocolate mud painted body inside and out!' was irresponsible and brainless! You have no idea how much trouble you are in!"

Remus cringed and mumbled, "Er, never mind." Just as Lily was about to make her way back to the tower, he called her name. "We're probably going to see James in the hospital wing later. Do you want to come with us?"

She stopped in her tracks and felt her throat tighten. "Um, no thanks," she answered quietly.

Remus tried to mask his disappointment in her. "He'd like to see you. Have you gone to see him yet?"

Lily swallowed and hesitated to answer. "Uh, no…. No. I've been busy," she fibbed, avoiding eye contact.

"Right," Remus replied, showing slight annoyance.

"I'll see you later, Remus?" Lily said, forcing a smile as she walked backwards in departure.

"Bye, Lily," Remus said sombrely, turning his back to her.

Lily bit on her lip and sighed, affronted by Remus' coldness, before breaking into a dejected walk back to Gryffindor common room.

-----------

"Can you believe it, Moony? Can you bloody believe it?"

"Yes, I believe you with utter utmost belief."

Sirius and Remus lay in their beds of the sixth year dormitory, somehow not quieter without the presence of two ill Marauders considering Sirius was so loud and made all the noise, and Remus' consistent clawing at his skin also interrupted the silence, which Sirius jumped at many times, whispering fearfully, "What's that, Moony? What's that? What's that? What's that? I hear scratching! Do you think its rats? Do you think rats have migrated into our dormitory? Aaaah! I think one's crawling on my face! Wait, that's my hair..."

This process repeated at least six times, which Remus continuously repeated, "No. There are no rats, though our abode is certainly dirty enough for rats to live in. No offence to Peter."

Both boys had collapsed onto their beds after having another late night visit to James and Peter in the hospital wing, and after having a day of classes which weren't as much as fun as having the earlier foam fight and stuffing bubbles down a person's pants.

"Detention for the rest of the school year! Can you bloody believe it?"

Remus groaned into his pillow and rested on his stomach. "Sirius, I swear, if you say 'can you bloody believe it!' one more time I will hurl my pillow at your head."

Sirius grimaced in the darkness and fidgeted in his bed. "But it'd have all your Moony slobber over it!"

"I do not slobber!" Remus argued. "You are a dog. You slobber."

"Your insults are getting a little shabby, Moony. You must be tired."

Remus considered ripping the pages of his Defence Against the Dark Arts book from under his pillow, which he used as late night reading material, and stuffing the pages in his ears to block out the Sirius Noise. Sirius also had the exact same copy of the Defence Against the Dark Arts book, but the difference was that Sirius hid different kind of material inside his book to disguise it as if he were reading something intellectual.

"But can you bloody be-" Sirius stopped, reframing his words as he heard Remus make an infuriated groan. "It's so unfair that Minerva gave me detention for the rest of the school year! SO UNFAIR."

"Yes, Sirius."

"I mean, McGonagall really has to lighten up! Y'know, she's so...what's the word I'm looking for, Moony?"

"Priggish? Prissy?" Remus suggested. "Pedantic?"

"No," Sirius said, shaking his head as he sat upright. "I'll stop you when you've found the word I'm looking for."

Remus sighed and also sat up. "Demure? Meticulous? Stringent? Austere? Scrupulous? Rigorous?"

Sirius shook his head again. "No, that's not it. What's that word that sound like's prune?"

Remus raised an eyebrow. "Prude?" he guessed.

Sirius' eyes lit up. "That's the one! Prude-y!"

"Prudish."

"Prudish! What were we talking about again?"

"Go to sleep, Sirius."

"But I'm not tired! I fancy marshmallows. Do you want to go to the kitchens and get some marshmallows?"

Remus looked incomprehensible. "It's midnight, Sirius! Why the heck do you want marshmallows at this time?"

Sirius snorted at him lamely and patted his stomach. "'Cause Mr. Belly needs a feeding."

Remus collapsed back down on his bed and tried to snuggle comfortably into his pillow. "Honestly, Sirius, you are bizarre."

"...Are we going or what?"

"Padfoot, we're not going to get bloody marshmallows!"

"But Merlin would want you to."

"Sleep, Sirius."

Sirius stuck his tongue out at him from across the room and dug deeper under his bed sheets. "You've been acting quiet since you got out of McGonagall's office. What's up with The Moonykins?"

"Nothing, Sirius...Don't call me that! It's _bizarre_!" Remus coloured.

Sirius laughed. "Bit of a slow reaction there, mate. Is 'bizarre' your word of the day?"

Remus sat up again and leaned with his arms over his bent knees. "Alright! It was what Lily said," he came clean finally, defeated.

Sirius eyed him thoughtfully. "What about Evans?"

Remus sighed, hesitant on saying what was on his mind. There was muteness and Remus decided to scratch at his skin again to avoid the awkward silence.

"D'ya hear that? It's the rats again! I swear-"

"There are no rats, Sirius!" Remus cut in, wishing he'd just gone to sleep and spello-taped his mouth shut.

"Do you want some cream for the itchiness, Moony?"

Remus was taken aback. "What? You have some?" He asked in surprise, trying not to think why Sirius hadn't informed him earlier.

"Yeah, do you want it?"

"Er, sure," Remus shrugged. A tube was pelted from the other side of his room and landed on his bed sheet. "Thanks, Padfoot," he said gratefully.

"See! I am a good friend!"

Remus chuckled and shook his head in amusement. He took the tube of cream, feeling another fit of scratching, and quickly screwed off the lid and started squeezing a large clump on to his hand.

"Ugh," Remus grimaced, feeling the cream extremely wet and oily than the average anti-itchy cream. He started wiping the lotion onto his arms and legs eagerly. "This is rather peculiar and oily cream," he stated, massaging a blob of the lotion on both cheeks.

Sirius' eyes bulged in the darkness. "Oh... dear, I think that might be lubricant actually..." he trailed off.

"SIRIUS!" Remus screamed, completely mortified. He didn't know what to do with his pasted appendages so decided to just sit completely still, and also fling the tube of lubricant at the other side of the room, which came into contact with Sirius' head as there was defiant sound of a 'clunk'.

"Ouch." Sirius rubbed his forehead. "It's an easy mistake to make in the dark, y'know. Look on the bright side, Moony."

Somehow, Remus was not looking on the bright side of things lately. He was permanently on the dark side. There was no greener grass on the other side. There was no grass. There was just sticky, smelly mud.

"You'll have nice oily arms. They'll be all shiny. Maybe it's good for dry skin," Sirius suggested.

Remus grumbled, "I have dry skin?"

"Yes, you do. You should take better care of your werewolf-y floppy arms."

"Well, I do apologize that I am not like you who uses a bombard of rather feminine beauty products every day."

"That's where you and I differ, my friend. You. I. Differ... Seriously, what did Evans say?"

Remus moaned and spread out his arms and legs, avoiding their pasted neighboured limbs. "I thought you'd forgotten about that..."

"Nuh-uh," Sirius sang. "What did she say?"

Remus fidgeted by grabbing an old piece of clothing from the floor and started to wipe his oily face. "I asked her if she'd gone to see James in the hospital wing and she said she hadn't," he said with a tinge of bitterness.

There was a few seconds of silence until Sirius broke into laughter. Remus predictably glowered in the black.

"I do no see what's so humorous," he furrowed his brow.

Sirius stopped laughing, realising Remus' obvious moodiness by now and lack of Sirius Humour. "You've been quiet because of that?" he said with a sincere face and much surprise. "You think too much, Moony," he sighed.

Remus couldn't help but agree with him. "How could she not go see him, though? After what had happened and after he nearly got killed! Those two...they're as bad as each other," he spoke with annoyance.

Sirius exhaled noisily. "Why are you getting so worked up about this?"

"It's just...James is my friend. He's done so much for me, and I all I want to do is help him and return the favour. And we've gone so far encouraging James to 'get the girl'. Well, maybe...maybe 'the girl' isn't 'the one' after all," he said with regret.

Sirius clicked his tongue disapprovingly and put his hands behind his head to rest as a pillow. "She's the one, Moony. No doubt about it."

"What makes you sure, though?" Remus asked.

"Because she went to see him in the hospital wing," Sirius said matter-of-factly.

Remus opened his mouth in astonishment. "She did? When did you see her?"

Sirius smiled and shut his eyes. "I didn't see her," he admitted.

Remus looked at him confusedly. "Then how did you know she went to see him?" he spoke slowly, completely bewildered.

"I just know."

Remus was annoyed by the lack of elaboration. He wanted everything explained fully detailed to him so he would know and wouldn't be in a loss of information. "But how do you know?" he questioned.

"I just do," Sirius grinned.

"But you told James it was, I quote, 'unlikely' that Lily had gone to visit him," Remus reminded him.

Sirius rolled his eyes. "I don't want James getting too cocky that his head is up his own arse."

"Is that even possible?" Remus grimaced.

"With flexibility," Sirius explained. "Don't worry about it, Moony. Everything will be fine soon. I think James and Lily will finally be together very soon," he said encouragingly.

Remus couldn't help but feel hopeful, even if his arms and legs were covered in ghastly lubricant. "Are you always this insightful and surprisingly intellectual late at night?" He asked amusedly, scratching at a rash that was forming on his left cheek, looking like a permanent blusher that girls would envy.

"The rats, Moony! I hear them! I hearken them! I HEARKEN! We must inform Dumbley-dore first thing tee-morrow morning! And what did you just say?"

Remus shut his eyes and arranged his head back on his pillow. "Nevermind, Padfoot."

"...So, we getting those marshmallows now?"

"For the last time: no."

Sirius bounded out of his bed with a mighty Tigger Bounce. "Let's go, marshmallow boon companion!"

Remus sat him up hysterically, about to lecture Sirius for his hyperactivity, but instead, screamed.

"Put some clothes on! PUT SOME CLOTHES ON! CLOTHES ON!" Remus shrieked, covering his head with his pillow case.

Sirius looked down and discovered his thoroughly naked self. "Right," he cringed. "Tonight was commando night."

"Attire, Sirius! ATTIRE! AAAATIRE!"

---------------

The next day, James was out of the Hospital wing. And Peter, too.

James was free!

James was let loose!

James was liberated!

James was—

"Frank?" He acknowledged the boy at the breakfast table. The fellow sixth year gave him a smile as he and Alice stood before him on the way of exiting the Great hall.

"How are you feeling, James?" Frank asked.

James tried not to scream the words: "GO AWAY, YOU STUPID LOVED UP COUPLE! STOP TORMENTING ME SO WITH YOUR LOVED UP COUPLE-NESS!"

"Better," James feigned a smile.

Frank patted a hand to James' shoulder. "I heard about Snape and the ketchup. I mean, him blinding you with tomato sauce? Low," she shook his head, "Just low..."

James looked at him blankly at the mention of the added flavour to meals. "Ketchup? What?" He furrowed his brow.

"Glad to see you're looking well," Alice said, ignoring his confusion and blaming it on too much tomato sauce blinding. "See you later, James."

"Right. Bye," Frank said, following her lead.

James watched in agonising suffering as the couple sauntered away, whispering sweet mutterings into each other's ears.

James wanted to gag himself.

He turned round in his seat and faced his friends. "Ketchup? What the hell was that all about?" He asked confusedly.

Remus sighed from behind his newspaper with a definite sound of scratching, refusing to answer.

"Snape blinded you with ketchup, Prongs?" Peter said with utter astonishment, choking on his toast. "I never knew that! That's low. Real low," he mimicked Frank's words.

"Of course not, Wormtail," James rolled his eyes. "You were there, after all. I don't know where that ketchup thing came from," he frowned, continuing back to his porridge.

Sirius whistled and kept quiet.

"Are you whistling the Loco-motion song?" Peter asked excitedly.

Sirius shut his mouth...for five seconds.

"So, Prongs," Sirius began lightly. James stopped eating his porridge and put his spoon down, preparing himself and avoiding a spurt of hot porridge jetting at his friend. "I was thinking to get Snape back you could dress up as Rhiana Penelope and agree to be his girlfriend. Then - here's the bets part- dump him in front of EVERYBODY! The best way to kill a guy is through his heart, after all."

James was rather nonplussed. "Rhiana...Penelope? Go out with Snape? Dump him?" He echoed.

Remus slammed down his newspaper in rage and crossed his arms in a stubborn House-wife way. "I knew I shouldn't have told you about that thing with Snape!" He said crossly.

"Oh," Sirius raised his eyebrows. "So it's a 'thing' now, is it, Moony?"

Remus thoroughly reddened and started his usual grumbling, clawing at his rashes on his red cheeks.

"Something happened between Rhiana and Snape?" Peter repeated slowly, and was about to mumble the word 'gavomitting' but was talked over by James.

"Why do you keep talking as if Rhiana is a separate person?" James asked. "Rhiana is Moony. Moony is Rhiana."

"Aha! You're right there, Prongsie!" Sirius pointed at him, congratulating him on his intelligence.

Remus looked enraged. "No, I am not Rhiana! James is Rhiana because I looked like him, dressed as Rhiana! Therefore, I am not Rhiana!" He finished, looking determined.

"Aha! You're right there, Moony!" Sirius pointed at him, congratulating him on his intelligence.

"But, wait," Peter cut in. "It was Moony's self inside Rhiana, and his personality. So really, wasn't it Remus all along? Because it was still Remus' mind inside Rhiana. And whatever appearance doesn't really matter, does it?"

"Aha! You're right there, Wormtail!" Sirius pointed at him, congratulating him on his intelligence.

"Will you stop that," a third year asked him, sitting on the other side of him of the breakfast table, elbowed three times by his pointing.

"Look, Prongsie," Sirius said, "If you don't do it, then I will," he patted his chest.

"But you can't, though. You'll have to take another month to make another Poly—wait, you already have another emergency cauldron of Polyjuice potion under your bed, don't you?" James asked dreadfully.

Sirius grinned, "Yes-sir-ee."

James sighed. "Do what you want, Padfoot. Just...don't make more of an arse in a copy of my body, alright? I want that girl wig on at all times, understand?"

Sirius nodded eagerly and continued so slurp up his breakfast so quickly his mouth looked like a Hoover.

"I do not agree to this, Sirius," Remus mentioned, arms still crossed stubbornly.

Sirius pouted at him. "You're just annoyed because you put lubricator on your arms, legs and cheeks. And you're a little rashy again."

James flinched at the mentioned word of 'lubricator'. "Excuse me?"

"I am more than a little rashy, Sirius," Remus hissed. "People are afraid to sit next to me because they think I have leprosy," he waved a hand indicating to the big space next to his seat at the breakfast table.

"You're over-reacting!" Sirius said.

"Do you have leprosy, Remus?" Peter asked, horrified.

The werewolf breathed angrily. "Yes," he said sarcastically. "It's highly contagious! Get away from the freaky leprosy man!"

Peter squeaked and jumped to his feet, running out of the Great hall screaming.

Remus winced at his odd departure. "Well, that's the best reaction I've had so far," he acknowledged, looking at his patchy skin. "I should go see Madam Pomfrey later for a _proper_ cure," he glowered at Sirius.

"It was dark!" Sirius protested. "DARK."

"I'm not even going to ask what that lubricator was for," James grimaced.

"It was from your drawer," Sirius mentioned, smirking.

"Shut up," James mumbled.

--------------

Lily had been avoiding James yet again the second she heard he was out of the Hospital wing. She'd made a decision and she was going to keep it: she was going to have nothing to do with James Potter. It was safer, she wouldn't get hurt from any heartache and he wouldn't get hurt for trying to risk his life to save her. It was rather understandable in the end, about as understandable as a giraffe mating with a kangaroo: odd and rather impossible.

All morning she had been talking deeply into conversation with anyone she could find, trying to look as if she were busy the second James tried to drag her away to speak in alone. She had talked to Alice, Frank, the boy with the glass eye, even Professor Slughorn, which was rather a bad mistake because she had to accept the invitation to another 'Slug Club brunch' tomorrow.

She'd even tried the Pack of Hyena's technique, which involved yourself being completely encircled by your giggling friends at all times, utterly intimidating the average male. It worked like a charm - that was until she was walking back from the library, alone, as the giggling hyena friends didn't quite understand the idea of books or reading for enjoyment.

Then she spotted James.

'Sodding flobberworms!' as Lily liked to quote repeatedly.

She quickly grabbed the shoulders of three chatting second year girls and begged them to encircle here, but were rather afraid of her and ran off in hysterics.

She and James' eyes seemed to meet across the corridor, hazel meeting green. Just as Lily was about to avoidably make a run away from James' grasp, he had quickly cornered her and held her arm, dragging her inside an empty classroom.

James shut the door, enclosing them inside. They both breathed heavily as they stared at each other in very noticeable tension.

"This shouldn't be happening," Lily stated, self-consciously playing with the ends of her hair. "We really shouldn't be alone together," she said firmly, but couldn't help making a groan of pleasure as James pressed his body against hers and kissed her deeply on the lips.

She tried to raise her knee to kick him in the gonads again, but somehow couldn't bring herself to do it. She told herself it was because he had been ill and just gotten out of the Hospital wing, not on the fact that she might possibly have romantic feelings for him.

"Damn it, stop doing that!" Lily said, breaking the kiss with all the force she could muster, which really wasn't much considering she liked it and really, really shouldn't. She put her hand to his chest and pushed him away but couldn't get her fingers to dispatch off him. She had to physically beat her left hand with the other until her fingers removed themselves from James' shirt.

"Okay, one problem solved." Lily tried to calm herself.

"You're not still mad about the Whiskers thing, are you?" James asked her, eyes sorrowful.

"Oh, God, don't look at me like that," Lily said, purposely not looking into his eyes. "I wish you had conjunctivitis."

James had a smile creeping to his lips. "You don't want to know my wishful thinking," he raised his eyebrows roguishly.

"Does it involve: you, me, this empty classroom, a classroom desk," James nodded his head as she listed each object. "Oh yeah, and this," Lily smacked him upside the head. "Pervert."

"Why didn't I see that happening?" he muttered, rubbing the pain away.

"I have to get out of here," Lily told herself, glancing back at James who was looking, in her mad opinion, adorable as he smoothed his head with a pout. "Have to get out of here now. Now, Lily, now!"

She tried to make a run for the classroom door but James had stopped in front of her, looking inquisitive.

"Stop forcing this not to happen," he murmured in a low voice, walking towards her, intertwining their fingers.

"Damn. Too late, Lily, you're a goner." She felt herself melt to a pulp. "We really shouldn't be doing this," she turned her head to the side, missing the kiss James was about to give to her lips, making him again peck her ear by mistake which seemed to be getting a lot of attention lately.

"Why not?" He smirked, thinking Lily was just playing one of her teasing games.

"Because..." Lily paused, making a remorseful sigh. "Because I have a boyfriend."

"Well, that shouldn't be a problem considering you're with him now," James laughed. "So, we're finally going out, then?"

Lily fell silent and closed her eyes regrettably.

"Hey, what's up?" James pulled away from her, noting her shoulders tensing and her look of utter travesty.

He made to a rub a hand smoothly to her arm but she flinched away. "I'm sorry, James. The boyfriend isn't you."

He froze. She bowed her head.

"Derrick asked me out this morning."

James had to physically stable himself. "And what did you answer him?" He asked hysterically, not fully believing she would say yes to going out with anybody after what had happened between. Lily refused to answer and felt her eyes getting shiny, not in a good way. "What did you answer him?" He demanded again.

"What do you think, James?" her voice faltered.

James ran a hand through his hair in frustration. "Why?" Lily remained quietly, not truly knowing herself. "But why?" He yelled, his anger slightly scaring her. "What about us? We're meant to be together-"

"That's bollocks and you know it," Lily cut him off with watery eyes. "You can't honestly say you believe in soul mates."

"I believe in us," he said strongly.

Lily threw her hands up in the air, "But we're the worst couple ever! On our first date we walked five steps out of Hogwarts doors and were knocked unconscious, for Christ's sake!"

"I thought we'd forgotten about that…"

"Our first kiss was based on a lie, James! The first kiss I thought I had with you was with a bloody cat! The start of our relationship has all been based on lies."

"Misunderstandings," James tried to correct her. "Why him, Lily? Why?" he choked.

She shrugged her shoulders. "He asked me. He makes me happy, I suppose," she said uncertainly.

"If he makes you so happy, then why did your eyes start to water the second you mentioned him?" James questioned her, wiping a soft finger to brush away her tears. She closed her eyes and shivered at his touch.

Suddenly, there was a loud creak as the door opened and a suspicious Professor McGonagall stood at the opening - her face said she was wondering what exactly was going on and what they were doing in her empty classroom. James and Lily panicked, being caught in her empty classroom and using it for private conversations was inevitable death sentence from the professor, who was already hanging by a string after all the incidents with Sirius Black.

So James did the first thing that came to his mind: he pushed Lily to the floor. She shrieked and collapsed backwards into a classroom desk and landed painfully on her bottom.

"And THAT is how you protect yourself from a dark wizard!" he declared audibly.

McGonagall flipped.

"What on earth do you think you're doing, Potter!" She said madly, hurrying to Lily's side.

"I was, er, just teaching Evans here how to protect herself against dark wizards!"

"I think you should leave that job to the Defence against the Dark Arts teacher," she said icily. "Are you alright, Miss Evans?" She helped her to her feet.

Lily tried to force a smile, though it was rather undermined by her glistening eyes. "Yes, professor! I'm fine!"

McGonagall shook her, unconvinced; she glanced skeptically at James who was trying to mask his anger and annoyance at Lily. As McGonagall looked way, Lily mimed a pleading, 'I'm sorry,' to James, but he merely turned away from her.

"You two should get back to your common room," she suggested as more of an order, directing them to the door.

The second McGonagall slammed the door shut from the inside, Lily looked over to James with more truthful apologies behind her eyes, but he'd given her a broken face and stormed away.

Unfortunately, the other three Marauders were ambling their way up the same corridor, on a trip to the kitchens as Sirius wanted those marshmallows he'd been craving the night before.

The second the boys saw James marching down the corridor with a dejected face, Remus instinctively told Sirius to leave him, but Sirius as the worried friend he was caught up to James as he passed them, too upset to greet the three.

"Sirius, leave it!" Remus told him crossly again.

Sirius grabbed James' arm, forcing him to stop. "Prongs, what's happened?" He asked uneasily.

James wrestled his arm free and showed definite darkness in his face. "Pad, I don't want to talk about it."

"C'mon, Prongs-"

"I don't want to talk about it," James spoke again more forcefully.

"Sirius, maybe you should-" Peter tried to drag him away but he did not budge.

"But-" he began.

"Fuck off, Sirius!" He bellowed - at such a flare-up Sirius jumped back and landed into Remus with wide eyes. James gave his friends an apologetic look the second the words erupted from his mouth, but didn't speak as he spun around and stormed away.

Seconds later, Lily speeded up to them, watching with the boys as James turned the corner and was out of sight.

"What did you say to him?" Sirius demanded harshly, turning on Lily.

"Get off me, Sirius," she murmured, pushing his tight fingers off her arm. Her eyes were determinedly looking up to refuse any more tears from falling down.

"Padfoot," Remus began weakly, pulling his hand off her.

"What did you say to him?" Sirius said more aggressively. Remus murmured, "Calm down," in his ear, trying to get his anger under control.

"Why do you keep interfering?" Lily suddenly flared up as well at the boys. "It's none of your business!"

And on that note, she ran her way back to the common room, wiping furiously at her eyes.

"I suppose you don't want those marshmallows now, then?" Peter asked Sirius awkwardly.


	19. Donkey ass, not buttocks ass

**Chapter 19**

Lily ran as fast as she could in her school shoes - too bad the shoes were at height of overbalance as her feminine urges had chosen appearance over comfort. Damn those heels.

"James!" she called out, managing to make it near the Portrait of the Fat Lady and only steps behind him as he walked in definite angry stomps. "James?" she called out again, this time uncertainly, yet he didn't turn around as he muttered the password barely above a whisper and hurried inside Gryffindor Tower without a second glance back.

To say Lily was shocked was an understatement.

He always looked back.

Whenever she'd called his name, preferably an angry shout of his surname, his head would have snapped around like lightening. There were times when she would have just muttered his name in conversation with friends in the Great hall, and he'd suddenly be at her side, grinning a mischievous smile and teasing her about talking about him secretly behind his back, which _then_ led to Lily hurling hot mash potatoes in his face for even thinking she was mentioning him for good reasons, which she had definitely not been.

There were even times in class when James cheekily called from across the room, "Did you call my name, Evans?" which, of course, Lily did not, and replied a wrathful, "No." This process repeated at least seventeen times until Lily eventually called his name in a hellish scream that burst everyone's ear drums.

But this time, his neck didn't even twitch.

He'd _always_ looked back.

As she took the last few steps determinedly towards the portrait, a shadow appeared from her left and she felt a hand rub her shoulder.

Lily paled at the sight of Derrick and quickly rubbed at her eyes, wiping them dry.

"I've been looking for you everywhere," he said, annoyed. "I haven't seen you since this morning." He looked at her glassy eyes and furrowed his brow. "What's happened?"

Lily tucked a stray strand of hair behind her ear. "Nothing, I'm fine," she reassured with a fake smile.

Derrick looked at her dubiously, but the gaze eventually faded though Lily felt her insides squirm. "I was just going to go for a walk. Want to come with?"

Lily opened her mouth slightly, glancing at the portrait who seemed to be looking at her with condemning. And if Lily wasn't mistaken, was also miming the word 'BITCH' as she glowered severely.

"Well, I was kind of-" she began.

"Nothing's stopping you, is it?" Derrick cut her off.

Was there anything, really? Or, more specifically: anyone?

"Well-" she started, then stopped almost suddenly. She mentally slapped herself. Was she really going to run after James and apologize when it was blatantly clear that her words meant nothing? Was she really going to make things worse, get caught up in the moment and end up probably kissing him again? She would be if she entered that portrait.

...But did she actually want that?

"Come on, then," Derrick said impatiently, walking ahead as he already assumed he would be accompanying her.

Lily blinked, still glancing back and forth between the portrait and Derrick as if one would call out to her, which indeed Derrick was doing.

"What are you waiting for?" he pressed.

What the hell was she thinking, following James? He was clearly angry with her, which was what she wanted, right? Maybe he would finally end his infatuation with her and stop this whole palaver.

"Nobody," she murmured, grudgingly taking Derrick's open hand as they ambled down the corridor.

"Bitch..." The Fat Lady's voice echoed in the empty corridor. She shook her head and walked into the next portrait, gossiping in other sceneries about the students failing relationship.

--------------

James slammed the dormitory door shut and immediately locked it with a spell, flicking his wand. He really didn't want to see anyone: dogs, werewolves, and rats included.

The first thing he tried to do was hex himself as an unusual suicide attempt, believing a hundred hexes of bat bogeys and boils could kill him if he were locked in a bedroom to slowly die.

However, hexing yourself proved to be rather difficult. There was the matter of instinctively moving out of the way, the second he raised the wand at himself.

"_Incendo_—DAMN IT!" He swore, his head dodging the flame from his wand. "_Incarcerate_—stop bloody moving!" He dodged yet another spell.

It was clearly a fact that he didn't _really_ want to burn his face off or bind his self to death, he just couldn't bring himself to do it. Stupid reflexes and stupid sense of will to live.

Next, he tried eating things from the floor, poisoning being the second option of suicide. After all, the dormitory floor was even dirtier than Moaning Myrtle's bathroom.

"This should kill me, right?" He asked aloud, examining something that looked a cross between a bread crust and a hairball. He shook himself of doubt and ate it.

One minute later, he was retching into a toilet bowl.

Okay, so poison wasn't the option. However, jumping from high towers could be.

He ran to the nearest window of the dormitory and grabbed for the handle to pull open.

The windows were somehow locked.

"What the _hell!_" James tugged on the window handle. "_Alohamora!_" He yelled in frustration, but still the window did not budge. "How can they be locked? What if there was a fire, or something!" He tugged the handle again until he gave up. "BUGGER IT! I bet Moony locked them somehow... Is trying to kill myself _that_ predictable?"

Suddenly a light bulb went on in his head and his eyes lit up - the knife Padfoot had just given him just last Christmas! Sirius had told him that the blade could cut through almost anything and get you passed any locked door. Of course, Sirius knew this because he had the exact same copy of the knife which he kept in his bag for 'self-defence only' and _not_ to try and break through Filch's office cupboards where he stashed dirty magazines.

James could easily stab an eye out with that knife if he didn't handle it carefully...which was _exactly_ what he wanted to do!

Rubbing his hand together eagerly, he skipped over to the wooden chest by the end of his bed, flinging it open. Pushing up his jumper sleeves, he searched through the junk of what could be recognised as a second dirty laundry bin. Eventually, he managed to find the old glasses case which he kept the knife in.

Making a "YES!" of delight, he quickly opened the case and found a post-it stuck inside. 'DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT, PRONGSIE' was scribbled in messy ink.

"But-how—I—_argh_—DAMN IT!" He hurled the glasses case across the room where it hit Peter's rememberall, which then rolled and made an impressive smash to the floor.

James somehow felt this as an anger relief.

Ten minutes later, the room was in shambles.

Bed drapes had been torn and slashed, books had been ripped to pieces, pillow feathers were floating across the room, odd bits and pieces of magical Hogsmeade one-minute-wonder buys were now broken scattered on the ground - all destruction thanks to James.

He could distinctly see the head decapitated off Peter's niffler toy…Woops, he thought.

_But _he did feel better. And that was the important thing.

"I hope my kid doesn't inherit my love for smashing things," James mumbled, a little dazed.

-------------

"I'm sorry."

James didn't even have to look up from the dormitory floor he'd been staring at for the past two hours, sitting pathetically on the sanctuary of the well-used bean bag. He didn't even have to tilt his head up to know it was Sirius who'd entered the room. His footsteps were memorised into his brain - plus, he could hear the sound of jiggling sweets in Sirius' trouser pocket.

"I'm sorry," James repeated.

"It's alright."

James shook his head and cursed everything that happened that day. "No it's not," he said bitterly, finally looking up to see Sirius leaning against the door frame. "You're not."

"You're bloody right I'm not," Sirius retorted, inspecting the state of his finger nails.

"I'm sorry I snapped at you, Padfoot," James apologized again.

Sirius turned to look at him and gave him a faint smile. "I know," he said.

"You can snap at me if you want," James suggested.

"Fuck off, cock breath."

James' mouth curled into a slight smile. "There you go. Don't you feel better?"

Sirius raised his eyebrows and knocked on his chest, as if this were a way of communicating with himself. "A little," he acknowledged.

James chuckled amusedly until it slowly drained and before long, his face was sombre and he was back into his depression.

"I don't want to break the moment or anything," Sirius said, taking a glance around the room. "But, er, what the hell happened in here?"

James winced and tried not to look at the dormitory slaughter massacre. "Breaking things is an anger relief," he said simply.

"Righto..." Sirius chewed on his tongue. "And why exactly are you wearing only your boxers, listening to Paul Anka's 'Puppy love', eating a tub of- what I think I can recognize as-" he stood on his tip toes as he peeked "-vanilla ice cream?"

"The house elves were out of chocolate," James explained, scooping another spoon of the plain ice cream into his permanently downwards mouth. "It's all melted," he said, watching the ice cream trickle from the spoon.

"I can see that." Sirius showed a sympathetic face as he spotted the melted ice cream patches on James' chin. "It's nice with pie."

"House elves?"

"No, ice cream, you bloody pillock. Mind if I join you?" He asked, but had already left the door frame and shut the door, taking a seat next to him on a stack of Remus' books.

James looked at him strangely. "I'm on your bean bag, Sirius, why haven't you tried to wrestle me off and threaten to steal my glasses, using them to reflect the sunlight to burn ants?"

Sirius smiled. "That's really the only think they're useful for, isn't it," he teased. "You look kind of emotional and somehow drunk on ice-cream, so I give you full permission."

James scowled at the mention of looking tear-jerked. "I am not emotional," he argued, "or PMS-ing like a girl."

"You're listening to Paul Anka's 'Puppy Love' on Moony's record player."

"Okay, so maybe I am little emotional," James gave in, handing the tub of melted ice cream which Sirius slurped up like soup, before James had even handed him the plastic spoon.

"Urgh, brain freeze," Sirius moaned, clutching his forehead.

"Is it even possible to get a brain freeze with melted ice-cream?" James asked.

"Apparently so." Sirius rubbed his forehead and slapped it a few times before the pain disappeared. "_Juuuuust becaaaaause we're in our teens, tell them all it isn't fair_!" he sang, only _mildly_ out of tune.

James shook his head with slight amusement, waggling in his ear from the pitch of his 'beautiful' voice. "Padfoot," he fiddled with his glasses self-consciously, "why haven't you asked me what happened with Lily yet?"

Sirius stopped his singing and frowned. "Because I did the Insensitive Prick Thing before and asked you, and you snapped at me, remember?"

James' face fell. "Oh yeah."

"_My tears are all in vaaaaain! I'll hope and I'll pray that maybe someday, you'll be back in my arms once agaaaaain!_" Sirius coughed as he couldn't reach the high note. "_Agaaaaiin!_" Sirius tried again, but it was even hoarser. "_Uh-gaaaain!_"

"...She's going out with Derrick."

"What?"

James sighed and sprawled out on the bean bag with a lolled back head and spread out limbs. "She's going out with sodding I-have-spiky-hair-like-a-bleached-hedgehog-Derrick."

Sirius looked at him blankly. "Who is?"

"My giddy aunt, Sirius," James rolled his eyes. "Lily, of course!"

"Oh..."

"Oh, indeed."

"...Want to drink some Firewhiskey?" Sirius asked helpfully.

"No," James grunted. "I'm not in the mood to get rat-arsed. Speaking of rats, where's Wormtail? And Moony?" he questioned.

"They're in the room of requirement. Moony said they'd lie low there for a while so it'd give us a chance for us to talk in private," Sirius finished with a grimace.

"What are we, a married couple?" James scoffed, then made a deep and thoughtful Thinking Face, consisting of puckered fish lips which made your chin all bumpy at the end.

"What are you thinking about?" Sirius asked.

"Nobody."

"I said 'what', not whom."

"I need a girl to snog."

Sirius slightly gawked at him in confusion, wondering where that particular statement had come from all of a sudden. "Wha...?"

"I need a girl to snog," James repeated more strongly.

Sirius looked at him with pity. "Prongs, I think it's a bit soon for rebounding, isn't it?"

James glowered. "Lily did, didn't she?" Sirius winced at the remark. "I need a gorgeous blonde to kiss and let me grope her boobies."

"Georgina," Sirius answered automatically. "But that's beside the point, mate."

James gave him a ridiculous look. "But you always say snogging girls is the answer to everything!"

Sirius smiled silently to himself and couldn't help but agree. "It is," he chuckled, but shook himself back to the original topic. "But you need to focus on someone else in this predicament, Prongsie."

James furrowed his brow. "Who?"

Sirius plucked a finger and ran it over the bottom of the ice cream tub, licking the vanilla tipped finger with his tongue. "Git-face," he smirked.

"Derrick?" James guessed.

"Indeed-o." Sirius raised an eyebrow mischievously and felt the usual roguish smile on his facial features.

"What're you planning?" James asked, slightly excited for the excruciating pain Derrick would suffer soon.

Sirius rubbed his hands together in a menacing way and let the cheesy music ring through his ears. "Derrick won't know what hit him," he said mysteriously.

James legs shook with anticipation. "Yeah! He'll be so messed up, he'll...he'll..." he paused, thinking for the right simile. "He won't know his right from his left!" he finished with an impressive smile to himself.

"I told you before: it's quite a hard job telling your right from your left," Sirius mumbled embarrassingly, not wanting to get into the topic of his mistakes of putting on the wrong shoe on the wrong foot every morning.

"So," James felt his chin and was surprised to find dried ice cream on his skin, licking it up with his tongue, "Got any ideas, Pad?"

Sirius stopped rubbing his hands together and pulled an ugly face, not exactly in the creative mood at the particular hour for imaginative, painful suffering. And also, he'd not thought the plan through.

"Er... Getting pigeons to rape him from the behind?"

James grimaced. "What is your fetish for that particular torture?"

Sirius ignored him. "So, a few immature and childish pranks for him, then? We'll need whoopee cushions, itching powder, and plastic insects!"

"I think we can do better than that," James rolled his eyes.

Sirius pressed a finger to his chin thoughtfully. "Uh...murder him?"

"Too Azkaban," James stated. "Take it down a notch."

"Hang him to death?" Sirius suggested, gesturing an invisible robe and wrapping it round his neck, making a gagging sound as he pulled a dead face of bulging eyes and a floppy tongue.

James backed way slightly, the image disturbing him. "Too medieval."

"Hug him to death?" Sirius hugged himself, mimicking the face of a hysterical mad man.

James snorted. "Urgh. Too homophobic."

Sirius groaned, not liking every single one of his ideas discarded. "Gorge out his eyes with pointy utensils? Sporks, perhaps?" He positioned his hands as if they were holding stakes and made a high pitched "Eeek! Eeek!" every time the imaginary utensils came into contact with the imaginary Derrick's eyes.

James contemplated the violent torture in his mind and shook his head. "Too messy. Down a bit, again."

"Fill his dorm with bleached hedgehogs!"

"Let's talk about this tomorrow."

"Yes, do that we shall."

"You're a great friend, Padfoot."

"Now I definitely think those house elves must have spiked that ice cream," Sirius declared. "_Someone, help me, help me, help me, please! Is the answer up uuuuuh-bove! How can I, how can I tell theeeeeeeeem!_" Sirius placed the empty ice cream tub atop James' head and put this hands in the air, whilst James watched with soggy ice-cream ridden glasses. "_This is not uuuuuh, puuupy...luuuuuuuurve!_" Sirius winced slighty and the pitch and tried again, "_Loooooove!...Luh-huuuve!...lo_-"

Sirius was pelted in the head.

-----------

Bland, bland, _bland_: that's what Derrick was.

Lily had been studying his face for the last half an hour; trying to make a cons and pros list to the bloke she was now dating for some uncanny reason.

Let's just say the cons side of the hypothetical parchment in her head was extremely weighed down, so hefty that the left side of her head would be impaled into the ground.

She had learnt one thing about him, though.

"Your hair is blinding," she muttered, rather puzzled. She was completely mystified by the appearance of the blonde spikes which were probably so sharp with gel that they could prick your finger with blood. She imagined she _wouldn't_ be raking her fingers through that particular hair...

Derrick leaned towards her, frowning. "I'm sorry, what?" He asked, holding a hand to his ear.

Honestly, what was with this boy and his obsession with hand gestures? It was like he was talking to her as if she were permanently deaf. If he was asking for the _time_, he'd tap his finger to his wrist. If he asked if she were _thirsty_, he'd juggle an open hand in front of his mouth for at least two minutes, mimicking holding a glass but really looking like he was making the 'jerking-off' sign. If he was asking if she was _hungry_, he'd make hand gestures of stuffing the non-existent food into his big gob.

He had _gigantic_ choppers. Really, it's quite chilling when he leans into peck her cheek. Lily is quite afraid that he will accidentally swallow her whole.

"Lily, are you listening to me?"

She blinked and came out of her reverie, pursing her lips. "Hmm?" she said.

Derrick heaved a sigh disapprovingly as if he was the professor and she was the student. "You are listening to me, aren't you, dear?"

Lily gave him a blank look. "..._Dear_?" she echoed slowly.

Pet names? Oh _joy_.

"I'm sorry," he apologized, standing to his feet. "I really need to go to the bathroom."

He was about to make a hand gesture of pointing down to his crotch but Lily stopped him with a pleading look of understanding.

"I won't be long," he murmured, licking his upper and lower lip. She grimaced at the so-called look of seductiveness. "Then maybe we can take a little trip to the broom closet, eh?"

Lily inwardly groaned. "Maybe," she replied weakly with a bogus smile.

The second Derrick exited the library doors, leaving Lily alone in a secluded corner of book shelves; she breathed a sigh of relief being out of the boy's company and muttered the bitter words of, "Maybe not," to complete Derrick's invitation.

"What have I done?" Lily murmured to herself, running a hand through her hair.

She had made the right decision, hasn't she?

Yes.

That's why she wanted to claw out her hair and use it to gag herself whenever Derrick got in a five mile radius of her.

Yes... No—_no_, she was fine! Absolutely fine!

"Or not," she mumbled, dropping a book on Unforgivable Curses from her hands that had subconsciously picked the reading material up.

So maybe she wasn't as fine as she thought.

"You dropped your book there," a voice softly said next to her.

Lily jumped out of her skin and cursed to herself that Derrick was short on bathroom breaks.

"Oh," she said in surprise, focusing on Remus and Peter before her. "It's just you two," she acknowledged and made a silent, "Thank goodness," to herself.

Lily flinched at the sound of chewing and frowned at Peter who appeared to be eating...marshmallows?

"Pettigrew, why are you eating marshmallows?"

Peter stopped in mid-chew, which was unfortunately bad news to Lily as his mouth was wide open and she could see the mushy pink and whiteness of the deceased fluffiness.

"Peter, don't eat them all, or Sirius will have your head," Remus hissed, turning red as Lily chuckled.

Peter nodded obediently. "Uhuh," he mumbled, about to spit out the pulp of chewed marshmallow on to the library floor.

"No! Don't spit that one out!" Remus cried.

"Uhuh," Peter mumbled again, unsure what to do with the soft mush sitting on his spread out tongue.

"Just eat it, Wormtail. Eat it," Remus said, massaging the bridge of his nose as he sighed tiredly.

As Peter chewing happily on his marshmallow, he picked up the book that Lily had dropped earlier and eyed her warily as he read the cover.

"Merely knocked it over by accident," Lily said, grabbing the book from his hand and stuffing it back on the bookshelf.

Remus crossed his arms sceptically. "You looked a little relieved to see us. Who were you expecting, your boyfriend?"

Lily felt her mouth go dry and she took a seat uncomfortably on one of the library chairs. "James told you, then."

"Sirius got it out of him," Remus explained, "After he'd locked us out of the dormitory for two hours after completely destroying it, half naked, and gotten through at least five tubs of vanilla ice cream."

Lily resisted asking the question, 'What is with that boy and nudity?' aloud. "Vanilla ice cream?" she repeated in a little amusement.

"The house elves were out of chocolate."

Lily wrung her fingers through her robes and upturned her head. "Is he okay after yesterday?" she asked with caution.

Remus tried to resist a glare. "So you do care, then?" he said rather dryly.

Lily narrowed her eyes. "Of course I care!" she cried in outburst.

The sound of more chewing interrupted the heated conversation and both their heads snapped to look at the rather embarrassed yet famished boy.

"Peter, if you're going to carry on eating those marshmallows, will you please do it more quietly," Remus suggested in exhausted desperation, "I heard there's some colouring books on the other side of the library."

Peter's eyes widened in glee and he practically Disapparated from the spot, running from the secluded area clutching his packet of marshmallows highly in the air.

Remus joined the seat across Lily and looked at her with intent. "Why are you doing this?" he asked to the point.

Lily cursed the fact that she'd been closed off into corner of the library deliberately. If she didn't know herself, she would have thought one of the Marauders put some sort of toilet charm on Derrick so he needed to urinate and leave Lily alone so they could interrogate her.

"I don't know what you're talking about," she played clueless.

Remus shook his head with disappointment. "Don't insult my intelligence, Lily."

She rose to her feet. "I'm not!" she protested, turning away from him to face a shelf of books, avoiding his eye contact. She was starting to feel dizzy with the amount of literature in front of her eyes. "It's the only way…"

"Only way for what?" Remus questioned her.

"_He_ can't get to me because somebody is already there."

Remus tried to interpret what she was saying. "James can't get to you because Derrick's there?"

Lily nodded glumly. "Yes. _He_ can't get to me because somebody got there first-"

"James was first," Remus interjected.

Lily flushed. "Well…who cares about chronological order!"

Remus couldn't help but laugh at the ridiculous situation. "You have no justified explanation for going out with Derrick," he stated, throwing his hands in the air. "Face it."

"Me and James are jinxed together, Remus!" Lily said, reminding him the unconscious knockouts and attacks by senile, elderly witches. "The second we come in any close contact, something bad happens."

"Don't be so cynical," Remus scolded her. "More bad things happen when you're apart."

Lily flustered, not wanting to believe the truth. "Well…I…er…bugger you!" she said lamely, trying to make her way pass Remus but he determinedly stood in her way.

"You're making the biggest mistake of your life."

Lily stuck out her lower lip. "What are you, a seer now?" she mumbled.

"I'm being methodical."

Lily couldn't take it anymore. "You have to get over this," she pleaded, "You and Sirius," she emphasised. "James and I _cannot_ be together! I don't want him back in the Hospital wing _because of me_."

Remus gave her a puzzled look. "What do you mean, 'because of me'?"

"Snape hurt him," Lily hissed, lowering her voice so she wouldn't be chucked out by the huffy librarian. "They got in that stupid fight and James nearly _died!_ All because of _me_-"

"No he didn't," Remus butted in, "That fight had nothing to do with you. James barely even took part."

Lily shook her head and looked at Remus with sorrowful eyes. "I don't believe you," she breathed.

Remus resisted the urge to slam a nearby book at her face. "I swear on my life," he said steadily.

"You're one of James' best friends, Remus. How am I supposed to trust you?"

"You should trust me because of that."

"What's going on here?"

Lily jumped away from Remus and nearly toppled over a bookshelf as she tumbled in to it. "Derrick!" she said, flustered.

The boy walked silently over to Lily's side and rested an arm defensively over her shoulders. "Remus," Derrick greeted with an inclined nod.

"Derrick," Remus replied curtly.

The boys had always been on mutual terms, neither liking or disliking each other, but simply knowing who each other were and both having the same characteristics of being respectively studious. The difference between them was that Remus Lupin had a personality, whilst Derick was just bland and missed something called a soul. Derrick kept a watchful eye back and forth between Lily and Remus, as if making an aggressive mental note in his head.

"I do appreciate it if you keep away from Lily from now on," Derrick said in a rather polite tone. "You _and_ the Marauders," he added. "You can understand, can't you, Remus? Over-protectiveness."

Remus could already feel himself leaning to the 'dislike' part of Derrick. "Right," he grunted.

Derrick tightened his arm around Lily, leaning his mouth into her hair. "Say goodbye to your friend now," his breath blew over her.

Lily pushed Derrick's arm of her shoulder, giving him a defiant look, and looked at Remus apologetically, but he'd already marched off towards the library exit.

"Come on, Peter!" Remus called, wincing at his projected voice as the librarian glared at him, making a 'sssssshhh' sound that lasted at least two minutes and landed him with a spit-covered face.

Peter appeared round the corner of a bookshelf, mouth open with marshmallow gnawing. "But I haven't found the colouring book ye-"

"_Now, Peter_."

"Okie-dokie."

Lily watched as the two boys chatted on their departure, trying hard not to look Derrick in the eye who looked extremely peeved at her actions.

"Hey, Remus? Want to hear a good joke?"

"Does it involve you asking 'Do you like seafood?', and me answering 'yes', then you sticking out your tongue with masticated marshmallows afloat?"

Peter answered hesitantly. "Er...no?"

"Then go ahead."

"Do you like sea food?"

Remus stopped in his tracks and stuck out his jaw. "No. I do not."

"BLAAAAH!" Peter stuck out his tongue, bits of pink and white fluffiness hanging off it. "Get it? Eh? Sea food! _See_ food! _Har har!_"

The second the library door slammed shut, Lily slowly turned her head to face Derrick who did not look at all amused.

"Don't show me up like that again," he hissed. "_Dear_," he added sweetly.

Lily fumed, about to go into hysterics with screaming of, 'DON'T YOU DARE TALK TO ME LIKE THAT, YOU LITTLE TOSSER!'

But she couldn't. As long as Derrick was with her, James couldn't get to her. Derrick was in the way of anything happening between them, and no matter how much Lily wouldn't like to admit it, she needed him. Not out of romantic feels such as affection or love, but merely for protection against the one she deniably had affections for in the first place.

"Yes..._dear_," Lily feigned a smile, thought it was tinged with sneering.

"When I'm talking with someone you should stick to my side like glue," Derrick added.

"Yes, dear," she repeated again, forcing her hands not to wring around his neck.

Maybe, just _maybe_, if she closed her eyes and imagined Derrick was James, everything would be fine again.

Of course, she'd done it before but unintentionally. An image of James had somehow cropped into her head once before without her consent, as Derrick had kissed her outside the broom closet, the very one the Marauders had been hiding in. She didn't know how James' image had been planted there, and why his name had been moaned so pleasurably from her lips. But it had, and she had hated every ounce of herself for letting it.

Maybe, just _maybe_, imagining Derrick was James would help her though this terrible predicament.

So when Derrick leaned to kiss her softly on the lips, she tried to hold back the tears of disgust and the grimace on her face, and kissed him back.

------------

"Sirius, give it back. _Now_."

"I'm sorry, what?"

"_Sirius!_"

"Please, Moony?"

"No!"

This so-called conversation in the so-called haven of the Gryffindor common looked extremely odd to outsiders. It was even more confusing for insiders such as Peter Pettigrew who'd abandoned their company to shadow James whilst they searched the shelves of the Forbidden section of the library for pranks to humiliate Derrick.

"Give it back!" Remus whined, losing all dignity as he pleaded in near hysteria.

Sirius swung the book, _Hogwarts: A History_, back and forth between his forefinger and thumb above the fireplace. "You know what you have to do to make me give it back," he smiled evilly.

"I'm not doing it, Sirius," Remus repeated again. "Now," he tried to breathe calmly but only mimicked a bull breathing smoke out of his nostrils, "Give back the book. It's not even mine! I just got it out of the library after Holly returned it. You know, the girl you scared away after making up an outlandish night we apparently had together."

Sirius chuckled at the thought of the mentioned prank. "All you have to do is accept and I'll give you the book back," he said simply.

Remus was very much losing his patience. "No!" he said determinedly, flaring his nostrils. "Sirius, if you drop that book in that fire or even get an ounce of it in bad condition I will _bite _you. If the librarian finds one speck of harm on that book-"

Sirius stopped him before he went on. "Don't recite the Library Laws now, please," he moaned. "I'm begging you."

Remus quirked an eyebrow. "I've told you the Declaration of the Protection of Hogwarts Library Books?"

"Uh, let me see," Sirius faked contemplation, "Law number one: never eat around books. Law number two: never lick your finger to turn the page, it is unhygienic and the pages will get greasy. Law number three: do not fold the pages over to remember which page you were last on; bookmarks were invented for a reason. Law number four: handle the pages delicately, a crumpled book is an unhappy book. Law number five: do the loco-motion—"

"What?" Remus choked.

"I added the last one to see if you were listening or not," Sirius grinned.

Remus rolled his eyes. "I take it I have recited the rules to you, then. You skipped one though: 'never talk over a book - the pages do not want your saliva on it'."

"I do apologize," Sirius said dryly. "So...will you do it?"

Remus laughed ridiculously. "No," he echoed again, but his laughter evolved into a scream as Sirius dropped the book and caught it again, merely inches way from falling into the fire.

"You're being very selfish, Moony."

"Selfish? _Selfish!_ Do you realise what you're asking me to do?" Remus shrieked.

"I don't see what the big deal is."

"YOU'RE ASKING ME TO SEDUCE SNAPE FOR A BLOODY PRANK!"

Sirius winced at the shouting. "Well, from what you told me about that interesting Potions lesson, it won't be _that_ hard to do. He was rather smitten with you."

Remus' eyes bulged. "_Rhiana_," he gritted through his teeth, "Rather smitten with _Rhiana_."

Sirius chewed openly on his Droobles gum and blew a giant bubble that popped in Remus' face. "Whatever, Moony," he sighed. "So…will you do it?" he asked for the hundredth time.

"No! No, no,_ no!_" Remus whined. "Why can't you do it? All you have to do is take the Polyjuice potion with James' hair in it and dress up like Rhiana."

Sirius looked at him with disappointment. "Because it wouldn't be the same, Moony. He was _obviously_ charmed by _your_ personality, so if _I_ were to pretend to be Rhiana, he would _obviously_ see through the facade and know it was _me_."

Remus couldn't see the 'obvious', visible lines in Sirius' explanation. "I won't do it," he said again.

As Sirius was preoccupied with looking like a child who'd been denied his favourite dessert, Remus took the chance to snatch the book out of his hands and clutch it protectively against his chest.

"Ha! I have the book! You have nothing to hostile me! I have prevailed!" Remus bellowed, wrapping the book under his crossed arms.

Sirius smirked.

Remus whitened.

Sirius smirked again.

"Don't make me tie you up, Muh-hoony," he warned in an oddly cheerful tone.

Remus paled more than physically possible. "You wouldn't dare."

"I did it with Prongs."

Remus formed a similar Peter Pettigrew Squeak and took a step backwards, unfortunately bumping into a common chair which led him to taking a seat, clutching the chair arms with terrified fingers.

"I will nipple cripple you," Remus threatened, but the terrorising didn't have the same effect when he was speaking as if he were on a helium.

"I'm wearing layers," Sirius grinned. "Many layers of clothing, Moony. Your nipple crippling hands will not be able to cut through the thick jumpers I'm wearing which James' mother knitted me."

"No!" Remus gasped. "Not the Christmas jumpers!"

"Six years worth. Including birthdays."

"I have been trounced!" Remus wailed, causing many onlookers of the common room to look at the two. "Mrs. Potter's knitted jumpers have vanquished me!" He scrambled to his feet and was now climbing over the furniture to escape Sirius - Remus Lupin _never_ climbed over furniture. He always said, "Don't put your feet on the furniture, Sirius. It's rude and nobody wants to sit on your muddy footprint-what are you doing with that foot! You're deliberately sitting with your feet on the arm chair to annoy me, aren't you?"

"No—NOOOOO! _Aaaaargh!_"

Ten minutes later, Remus had been tied to a chair, blindfolded in the sixth year dormitory. He had slightly calmed down.

"LET ME GO, QUIXOTIC ABDUCTOR!"

Mildly.

"Was the blindfolding really necessary?" Remus asked. His eyesight was blocked with a blindfold consisting of one of Peter's old belts that had gotten too small for him.

Sirius shrugged, stirring the Polyjuce potion in the cauldron on the usual filthy floor. "Not really," he admitted. "I've always wanted to blindfold someone, yet I'd always imagined it with a girl with somewhat sensual implications."

Remus let that perverted comment pass. "Haven't you ever blindfolded someone whilst playing 'Pin the tail on the ass' at a party?"

Sirius gaped. "Pinning a tail on someone' arse?" he repeated, rather disgusted. "What kind of parties do you go to exactly?" he raised an eyebrow.

"Donkey ass. Not buttocks ass."

"Oh. _Right_."

Sirius towered over Remus, holding the Polyjucie potion in his hands. "I'm going to put the potion in your mouth now so open wide look a good boy," he teased.

The second Sirius pushed the goblet towards Remus' mouth; the glass toppled against Remus' chin and hit his determinedly closed lips.

"Muh-hoony! Don't be so bloody awkward!"

Remus did not respond and kept his lips clamped together.

Sirius tried again and bashed the goblet against his mouth but only led to spilling Polyjuice potion on Remus' front. "Great, well done, Moony," Sirius said sarcastically. "Now it looks like you've got cum on your shirt. Congratulate yourself."

Remus slightly reddened but still did not respond.

"Oh, be like that, then," Sirius said, then faked walking as he stomped his feet. "I'll just eat you're entire collection of chocolates in your pillowcase-"

"Don't you dare!" Remus cried.

Sirius quickly shoved the goblet of potion towards his mouth, but unfortunately Remus had tried a different approach of securing his teeth together to block the potion going in.

Both boys screamed in pain, as the goblet had banged into Remus' teeth, and Remus had somehow chomped on one of Sirius' outstretched fingers.

Sirius sucked on his bleeding finger. "Bloody sharp werewolf molars."

"I am so biting you at full moon," Remus grumbled.

"Go ahead. I quite fancy being a werewolf; the moonlight makes my hair look all shiny."

"Curse your fortitude."

Sirius sighed, topped up the goblet of Polyjuice potion and stood before Remus again. "Okay, we're going to try one more time and-" He glanced down and found his trouser zip embarrassingly open. "God, I'm glad you're blindfolded," he laughed, trying to close it though it looked strongly caught.

"What?" Remus said confusedly, wondering what on earth what was going.

Another couple of people were wondering what on earth was going on too.

"_What the hell!_" James screamed, completely horrified as he stood by the open doorway along with a white Peter. "What's...why are you...is he _blindfolded_? What the _hell_ is going on?"

"Gavommiting..." Peter muttered, predictably.

Sirius froze as he failed zipping his trousers. "Prongs! Wormtail!" He said with a cheerful smile which slowly turned into a greatly downwards frown. "This looks bad, doesn't it?" he said knowingly to himself. He tried again to tug at his zipper but it had somehow got caught on something else, a particular organ, and he wailed in pain, falling to the floor.

"James? Is that you?" Remus tried to tug his hands free and whirled his head around in all directions as he couldn't see. "Save me from this eccentric lunatic! He's trying to make me swallow-"

"UUURGH! UUURGH!" James bellowed, covering his ears. "UUURGH! _UUURGH!_" he kept repeating, very much repulsed.

"Are the rumours true?" Peter quietly asked, hiding behind James who was still shrieking. "_I heard rumours_."

Sirius tried to scrape himself from the floor but only rolled around like a dying seal. "What are you..._even_ _talking about_?" he wheezed, howling in pain.

"What is going on? Stop screaming, James!" Remus ordered, annoyed at his high-pitched-ness. "Somebody get me out of this chair, for Christ's sake! I hate being oblivious to what's going on!" He continued to scramble, trying to kick out his bounded legs. Unfortunately, this only led to tipping the chair over and Remus fell sideways with an 'AAAAAAH!'

"What's that on your shirt?" James wailed, pointing to Remus' front. "Oh my god! OH MY GOD! UUURGH!_ UUURGH!_"

"Is this what you do when you're alone?" Peter asked with widened eyes. "Do you like to do kinky sex games where you blindfold yourself and tie each other to chairs? Do you take it in turns? Do you make it up yourself? Do you enjoy it?"

"_WHAT!_" Sirius and Remus screamed.

"My friends are poofters!" James kept a hand on either side of his face and gawked. "My friends are shirtlifters! My friends are bum boys! My friends are sausage jockeys! My friends are-"

"Going to...kick...your..._arse_," Sirius hissed, making a sound of 'GAH...' as he continued to roll about, holding both hands to his crotch

"What are babbling on about?" Remus said from the floor. "Sirius tied me up so he could force-drink me Polyjuice potion to become you,_ to become Rhiana!_"

There was much embarrassing silence.

James fiddled nervously with his shirt collar and gave them an apologetic look. "Well, you could've said that in the first place..." he trailed off, as if he'd given them _plenty_ of opportunities to explain themselves in between the high pitched wails of 'UUUURGH!'

If Sirius wasn't currently experiencing the worst pain imaginable, he would have smacked James upside the head.

"You really _don't_ like doing kinky sex games?" Peter asked, with an odd hint of his voice showing that he was actually quite disappointed.

Remus made a mental note of this.

"Seriously, guys?" Sirius was crouched on the floor, looking on the verge of tears. "Get a ham-balance. Or Madam Poms Poms. I think I'm bleeding...from the inside."

"Don't you mean an ambulance?" Remus corrected him.

"Same to you mate," Sirius said, thinking Remus was insulting him somehow.

Sirius made an excruciating moan and blacked out, collapsing with his head in a pile of glass that hadn't been cleaned up from James' hysteria of flinging objects at walls.

"Did that look like it hurt?" Remus asked, his eyes still covered with the blindfold of Peter's trouser belt.

James stepped over to Sirius and prodded his shoe in his left cheek. "Exceedingly," he answered.

Remus smirked. "Good."


	20. Rock, parchment, scissors?

**Chapter 20**

"Heh…heh…he-"

"Stop it, Wormtail." Sirius pouted. "_I_ think it looks rather fetching and—God, who am I kidding? It looks like a girly headband. And _you_ bloody turning it pink did _not_ help, Prongs. I'd have clouted you one if you weren't so down in the dumps about Evans going out with—"

"_Don't say his name_."

Sirius stopped in his tracks on the way to the lesson of Charms, peeking at his reflection in one of the corridor windows. "She did it on purpose, you know. I _know_ she did. Madam Pom Poms fixes head cuts just like that," he clicked his fingers, "But wrapping my head with this bandage thing! It's so…Muggle-like."

He played with the tufts of his air and frowned, the pink bandaging not suiting the colour of his face complexion.

"This is technically your fault, Prongs. That broken glass wouldn't normally have been there—"

"Trust me, it would have been there," James argued.

Sirius laughed. "Our dorm isn't _that_ messy!"

"I found a first year living under my bed the other day," Peter mentioned.

"Oh, you mean Michael?" Sirius said casually. "He's been living there for months now."

Peter was a little annoyed to why he hadn't been informed this before. James prodded Sirius' so-called headband.

"I look like one of those Muggle ninja's…wait, a sec," Sirius paused, considering this representation, "Why am I complaining about this? Ninja's are brilliant!" He cut the air with a karate chop.

"The pinkness kind of makes it look less impressive," James pointed out.

"I'd Dead Leg you if you weren't so suicidal about Evans going out with—"

"Don't you dare say his name or I'll tighten that headband until it makes your head explode. Brain splats, Sirius, _brain splats_."

Sirius laughed at the false threat, yet Peter stepped at least one foot away from James and accidentally tumbled into one of the corridor knights.

"You're awfully quiet, Moony. What's up? Forgot to do some homework? Wait, that'd never happen…unless you're ill or something. You're not ill, are you, Moony? I thought you got that lubricator—I mean, _cream_, for the rashes. Are you dying? _Why_ didn't you tell me you only had two weeks to live? _What do you mean_ you just wanted to spend the few days of your life in normality! _Oh God_, I say, oh good golly—"

"Shut up, Sirius."

This comment had strangely come from James. Remus remained silent and appeared to be…shaking?

"Wha…? No witty remark? No sharp tongue? You have a pointy tongue…" Sirius trailed off, with a furrowed brow as he tried to remember whether he mentioned that before. It seemed as if Remus hadn't recovered from the abduction of last night.

Sirius could not control his gaping. "No clever retort? Seriously, if this is some kind of joke where you remain frighteningly silent, it's not funny." Remus stared on blankly. "OH, GOOD MERLIN! _I DON'T UNDERSTAND!_"

The boys managed to turn up to Charms after much casual strolling with not very conspicuous peeks at the windows made by Sirius, yet Remus somehow looked even worse than before, as if the full moon had come early.

"Remus? Remus, you're rocking...Hello?_ Hel-lo?_"

James waved his hand in front of Remus' pale face for a lengthy duration of time, until he accidentally flicked him in the face with an uncontrollable finger and winced as he backed away, prepared for a Moony Reaction.

There was none.

"I know," Peter said. He glanced at the Charms professor who seemed to be preoccupied with a student forgetting to do their homework, using the excuse of, 'My, er, Niffler ate it'. "This will get him out of his trance." Peter revealed a packet of marshmallows from his school bag.

"Wormtail!" Sirius landed his stool on all fours from leaning back lazily. "How long have you been hiding those from me, eh? EH?"

Peter cringed. "I...um..." he fumbled.

"Haven't you ever heard of sharing, Pete? Am I or am I not your friend?"

"Yes, you're my friend."

"And what are you not doing?"

Peter sighed. "Sharing," he mumbled, obediently.

Sirius snatched the bag of marshmallows from Peter's grasp and said a pleasant, "Exactly!" Looking inside the contents of the packet, he scowled at Peter. "How much did you eat, you little pigg-ee-let!" he said, though the bag was three quarters full.

James glimpsed at Remus, worried why he hadn't corrected Sirius' sentence. "Um, Moony looks a little shaken up about something, so I feel as if it's my duty to correct you instead, Padfoot. It's piglet, not 'piggylet'."

"But doesn't it sound so much cuter?"

James decided no to answer on the grounds of not wanting to lose his masculinity.

"Now," Sirius rubbed his hands together and juggled the sweet bag, "I'll just divide these out evenly." He offered a marshmallow to James but he declined.

"They taste like cack," James grimaced, pushing the bag of marshmallows away from him. "Soft...cack."

Sirius gasped. "How can you not like marshmallows? It's like saying you don't like toast!"

"But I like toast!"

"You're weird," Sirius declared, dismissing the conversation to an end.

"At least I don't get a hard on to marshmallows..." James muttered under his breath.

"Now, to share the marshmallows between me and Pete." Sirius tipped the bag from the bottom until a mountain of marshmallows were resting on his hand, then handed back the bag with only two marshmallows left for Peter. "Yooo," Sirius pointed at Peter, around five marshmallows impressively stuck inside his big gob, "Ar uh greey buhur. Ah woh ou ar."

"Was there a point to this marshmallows randomness?" James asked exasperatedly.

"Oh, yes," Peter nodded. He took one of his marshmallows and lingered it below Remus' nostrils, as if the intoxicating, sweet smell would make Remus come out of his shaking state. When this didn't appear to be working, he tried wafting the smell with the back of his hand but only resulted in slapping Remus' face by accident.

Just like James had done, he backed away, expecting a Moony Reaction of witty scolding.

Just like before, there was none.

"Maybe it needs to be in his mouth?" James offered helpfully.

Peter shrugged and redirected the marshmallow to Remus' lips. After Remus did not open his mouth after Peter had been tapping the soft sweet against his lips, he used his fingers to physically force apart and managed to fit the marshmallow inside his lips, resting between his gums.

The boys watched the marshmallow slowly fall out of his mouth and flop onto the floor, whist Remus stared ahead. Sirius appeared to be whistling whilst eating what appeared to be six marshmallows now, so his whistle really sounded like a hoarse blow of spit.

"Alright, marshmallow boy, what did you do to him?"

"Uh do' nuh woh ou tal'in abou."

"Chew and swallow, Padfoot, it's not that hard."

"Mr. Black, stop eating in class. We are barely ten minutes into the first lesson of the day and you're already eating! You've only just had breakfast."

Sirius heated in the face at the professor's remark, trying to swallow the marshmallows as quickly as possible. It appeared that too many marshmallows in the mouth could slightly suffocate you, leading to violent choking.

"Padfoot, you're spitting all over my face," James complained, narrowing his eyes at his friend who was coughing saliva everywhere. He recoiled as a flick of spit landed on his glasses, having to resort to using his forefingers as windscreen wipers to wipe it off.

"I think he needs water."

"NGAARGH!"

"Do you think so, Wormtail?" James said conversationally.

"UURGAAARGH!"

James looked at Remus for a sort of an order on what to do, like he usually did, but Remus was clearly too unbalanced to advise anyone at that moment.

With a thumping thwack from Peter who patted his hand strongly to Sirius' back, the saliva-ridden marshmallows flew out and hit Snape upside the head.

James and Sirius punched the air simultaneously. "Score!" they cheered.

"Black! Put rest of those marshmallows on my desk at once."

Sirius grumpily mooched to the front of the class and dropped the fluffy sweets in front of the teacher, where the professor secretly stashed them into her desk draw to eat later.

"Okay…so, what were we talking about again?" James asked.

The sound of Remus' whimpering reminded the boys.

Sirius laughed nervously. "I think he's just a bit nervous that I will suddenly force-drink him Polyjuice potion." He patted Remus warmly on the back.

Remus instantly recoiled with a high pitched wail and fell off his stool.

His classmates tried not to stare at him, but it was hard _not_ to look at someone who'd just had a panic attack in a full classroom, and now was giving the impression that he was taking refuge under a classroom desk.

"Lupin, get out from under there." There was no response, which was quite worrying because Remus always answered a teacher politely as possible. "Lupin, five seconds or I will have to give you detention. One—"

Remus saw sense and crept back on to his stool. James glared fully at Sirius - he was fiddling with his headband, pointing his wand at it, testing out the different colours as it flickered a new shade every few seconds like a disco light. "What?" he whined, noticing James' gaze. "_What? _I am _not _the person in the wrong here!"

"You did abduct him and tie him to a chair," Peter said weakly. "That's considered as breaking the law in some countries."

"_Oh_, Moony got over that thing." Sirius lazed back on his stool once more. "I'm talking about this morning, when I woke up early and tried tipping the potion into his mouth whilst he was sleeping."

James looked at Remus for a confirmation; he simply shut his eyes as if the memory was too painful to narrate in words.

"Isn't that a little dangerous?"

Sirius yawned, "Nah. I've done it before. No worries."

Peter felt like he could never sleep again.

"Padfoot, why can't you just drink the Polyjuice potion and do whatever you're going to do Snape yourself, you lazy git?"

Remus couldn't help but nod along to what James said, but still remained as quiet as a mouse.

"Just get it over with already. I need Moony back to his usual self so he can copy down notes. We're lacking in notes, Sirius. Or as Remus would say: 'We are deficient in note-taking'."

Remus nodded swiftly again.

"I can't because _I_ need to be _myself_ in the prank. And besides, it needs to be stretched this long," Sirius said vaguely.

James looked at him with confusion. "Stretched? Stretched for who?"

Sirius looked to his right and left before answering, "The papooses. To satisfy the papooses."

James gave him a ridiculous look. "Do you have any idea what you're talking about?"

"No."

James laughed and Peter joined in because it was compulsory.

"No, really, I have no idea what I'm talking about. It's quite worrying," Sirius said with an upset face.

This only made James laugh harder at Sirius' genuine concern.

"Have you done EH-BA-BOO with Remus so it's fair that he has to drink the potion?" Peter asked, whilst Remus leaned in slightly, looking mildly interested.

The top of Sirius' tongue stuck out in confusion. "What the heck is eeee baaa…whatever you just said?"

Peter reddened at their lack of not knowing what he was talking about. "Rock, Parchment, Scissors," he explained.

Remus was quite sure he'd just taken the game from Muggles and replaced 'paper' with 'parchment'.

"Why do you call it EH-BA-BOO?" James asked, pulling a face.

"Because it's more fun saying funny words when you rock your hand," Peter grinned. "EH," he swayed his fist, "BA," he swayed it again, "BOO!" He yelled, showing a scissors gesture.

"That's stupid. It's not any more fun if you yell weird words."

"Yes it is! Try it!"

James and Sirius rolled their eyes in chorus and started shaking their fists, yelling the odd words.

"EH-BA-BOO! See, I told you it…_oh_, my goodness," James murmured, sounding as if he was having some sort of orgasm.

"I've never felt such satisfaction from yelling out words whilst shaking my fist! AH HAR HAR! EH-BA-BOO!" Sirius laughed vigorously. "EH-BAH-BOO!"

James joined in, and Peter too, but was wondering why they weren't actually taking note of who was winning the Rock, Parchment, Scissors game, and only seemed to be focusing on shouting 'EH-BA-BOO!' at the top of their lungs.

"EH-BA-BOO!" The three boys chanted. Remus looked at them oddly and tried hiding under the desk again. "EH-BA-BOO! EH-BA-B—"

"What on earth are you shouting about?" The professor yelled, standing in front of their desk.

The class looked at the Marauders, already gossiping about the rumours of: 'Oh, my God, oh my God! Did you hear about what happened with that fella Sirius and that other bloke Remus? Apparently, and I don't know for sure but I'm positive that my sources are correct because Lisa never makes stuff up, unless you count that time she was seeing my boyfriend behind my back, but we'll be best friends forever and no boy will ever come between us and she's a complete utter quiche, but don't tell her I said that. But anyway, Sirius tied Remus to a chair, blindfolded, and he fed him strawberries dipped in chocolate and they had kinky shagging all night. Lisa heard them going at it all the way from the Hufflepuff dormitory. Don't tell anyone because it's supposed to be a secret and—oh, hey! There's Natalie. NATALIE! OI, NAT! DID YOU HEAR ABOUT SIRIUS AND REMUS? COME OVER 'ERE! I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT!'

"We're playing Rock, Parchment, Scissors whilst shouting odd words," Sirius explained to the professor.

"Excuse me?"

Sirius looked around at the staring classmates. "C'mon, try it! It's so crapping fun!"

A clearly deluded Lily gestured her hand into a fist and began to shout the beginning of an 'EH-BA', then slapped her head in stupidity for even following what Sirius Black was saying. She hid her hands under the desk and told herself not to take them out until the end of the lesson.

Meanwhile, the whole class was busy putting their hands into fists, chanting together the 'EH-BA-BOO', whilst some slightly unintelligent others were shown how to put their hands into fists and the procedure of the Rock, Parchment, Scissors game.

"EH-BA-BOO! EH-BA-BOO!"

Severus Snape found his forming into a fist and he had to glare at it severely to stop the action, and clamped his lips together to prevent a giddy shout himself.

"What is going on?" The professor shrieked. "You are sixth years! How can you seek pleasure in screaming at the top of your lungs?"

The class immaturely took this as a reference to sex.

"Oh, for Merlin's sake!" The professor put his hands in the air in frustration. "Class is dismissed early."

"But, professor, we have at least 45 minutes left," Lily pointed out.

The professor gave her a look that said 'I-clearly-cannot-cope-any-longer' and opened the classroom door with a flick of his wand. "And if anyone reports me to Professor Dumbledore, I will charm you into balloons."

With the possibility of being turned into thin rubber filled with air, and the dangers of floating away or being popped by anything remotely sharp, none of the students would tell a living soul about leaving class early.

"Moony, I'm giving you a chance here," Sirius said, walking with the boys on their way back to the common room after their brief Charms lesson. "Rock, Parchment, scissors, best of three games, and if you win, I won't make you drink the Polyjuice potion."

Remus looked a little hesitant, preferring general knowledge competitions. "I don't know…" he spoke unsurely.

"You're likely to win, Moony," James said favourably. "Sirius is dumb, remember?"

"I resent that!"

James lowered his voice to whisper in Remus' ear, "He always picks rock."

Remus smiled, knowing the secret of Sirius' technique, or more likely: his blunder.

"Alright, then," Remus said with newfound confidence.

Sirius and Remus stood head to head, both fists raised highly in the air; an odd crowd of the previous Charms classmates had encircled them with anticipation.

"You've got to shout 'EH-BA-BOO' by the way," Peter mentioned, elbowing Remus with extra energized feeling.

Remus' face dropped. "That's inane," he hissed.

"Greasy hair, Moony," James said, a glint of obscurity in his eyes. "His oily, black tresses touching your face as he breathes heavily with too much effort for it to look normal…"

Remus quirked an eyebrow, "Are you talking about Sirius?"

"No, Snivellus," James clarified.

"Moony!" Sirius exclaimed, looking highly offended.

"Christ! Alright!" Remus gave in, shaking himself of level-headedness.

The boys thrust their fists forward, both shouting the words, "EH-BA-BOO!" with the finishing hand gesture.

"Ooooo!" The crowd jeered.

"James! You lied to me!" Remus screeched, extremely miffed. He detracted his hand of a Parchment sign, which had just lost to Sirius' winning scissors.

James winced and shrugged. "Sorry, mate."

"EH-BA-BOO!"

"Ooooo!" The crowd jeered again.

"Ah, shit!" Sirius swore, lifting his fist closely to his face. "Stupid rock! WHY DO YOU FAIL ME SO?"

Remus breathed a sigh of relief, petting his hand gesture of the same parchment sign.

It was one all. The next move was crucial.

"EH-BA-BOO!"

"…"

The crowd made cries of disappointment.

"Two scissors?" Peter questioned, examining both hands. "Maddness… That's never happened. Try again."

There was more deadly silence as the boys shook their fists again.

"EH-BA-BOO!"

"…"

"Both rocks? Damn it, stop picking the same signs! It's boring," James complained.

"EH-BA-BOO!"

Both parchment.

"EH-BA-BOO!"

Both rocks.

"EH-BA-BOO!"

Both scissors.

Peter wiped the sweat from his brow. "This shouldn't happen so many times in a row," he murmured, "Madness, I say, madness."

The crowd eventually dispersed, whilst Sirius and Remus carried on playing 'Rock, Parchment, Scissors' on their way back to the common room, which they continued non-stop for the rest of the day.

---------------

"Oh yeah, jiggle those melons, Evans."

"Potter?"

"That's right. Say my name."

"James, will you wake u—"

"Louder, c'mon, say it."

"JAMES!"

The boy awoke from his seat of snoozing against the classroom desk and managed to bash his head with Lily's jaw - very gracefully, might I add.

"Good morning," James greeted her with a wince, running a hand roughly through his hair.

"Class finished five minutes ago, James."

He swirled his head around to look at the empty classroom and flushed. "Didn't my minions wake me?" he referred to the rest of 'his' Marauders. "Tit heads…"

Lily gave him a pitying look. "Are you okay?" she asked with a worried expression.

"I just didn't get any sleep last night…" he said vaguely, rubbing the black patches under his strained eyes.

"You should ask for a dreamless sleep potion from Madam Pom Poms."

James shrugged lightly, "Maybe I don't want to stop the dreams."

Lily didn't like where this was going.

"Well, er, I should be leaving," she fumbled.

"Derrick waiting?" James assumed, with a tinge of annoyance in his voice.

Lily considered her answer. "Yes?" she lied uncertainly. She gave him a faint smile with a slight wave, and then made her way to the classroom door.

"I forgive you, you know."

Lily stopped in her tracks and turned around to look at him. "What?"

"I forgive you for going out with Derrick."

Lily remained puzzled, debating whether to answer. "That's…nice."

James leapt from his stool with newfound energy, walking towards Lily with poise that only seemed to mesmerise people.

"I can understand why you're doing it," he said in a silky voice, "And I know its only temporary—"

Lilt felt a pang of guilt in her stomach. "It's not temporary, James, it's—"

He hushed her with a finger to her lips.

Lily really didn't like where this was going.

"What are you doing?" she said a murmur, happy that James had moved his finger from her lips but not happy that he'd redirected to stroke the curve of her cheek.

James looked intensely in her eyes. "I can't remember what it's like kissing you."

"That doesn't mean you need a reminder," Lily hissed, blushing, "I'm not Remedial Potions!"

James leaned in closer, his breath grazing her nose.

"You smell like fish."

James eyes' widened. "Er…what?" he asked, truly baffled.

"Your breath smells likes fish," she said more loudly.

"Oh, I had fishcakes earlier," James explained.

Lily raised a brow, "For breakfast?"

"I have a weird appetite."

Lily was very bothered by the fact that she wanted to kiss James anyway with his fishy breath.

_Don't show me up like that again, DEAR._

Lily flinched at the sound Derrick's voice in her head. "I can't—I'm sorry," she shook her head. She placed a hand over James' fingers that were touching her cheek, and pulled it down to his side-ignoring the way their fingers longed to be intertwined.

James gave her a look of surprising acceptance.

"I'll always wait for you, Lily."

She argued with the answer of 'I know,' and settled with saying, "You won't need to."

There were two ways of taking this answer, and James hope it was the one that he was praying she meant in her head.

"I'll see you later, James."

Lily tugged herself away from his craving presence and left the classroom; with an involuntary glance back at him which she later cursed herself for doing.

James also hoped there were two meanings to her goodbye, and desperately hoped it was the one he again prayed for in his head.

--------------

"It's amazing," James shook his head in utter disbelief, "Bloody amazing."

"EH-BA-BOO!" Sirius and Remus mumbled in between the chewing of their food, in the Great Hall at dinner. Sirius dribbled a bit of his gravy and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand.

"Both parchments," Peter said. "_Both_. _Parchments_. _How?_ It's just not possible…" he trailed off, confused, but not so confused that he couldn't eat the rest of his tasty Shepherds' pie.

"EH-BA-BOO!" They tried again.

"Sodding rocks," James said, looking at both hand gestures. Remus and Sirius shrugged mutually. "But you've been going on for at least four straight hours, and you've got the same hand sign! This is some kind of prank, right?"

Remus looked at him tiredly. "Trust me, James. I'm trying everything to win this stupid game so I don't have to drink that Polyjuice potion." He swayed his fist again, getting yet again the same scissors hand as Sirius.

"Did you find anything good stuff in the library to prank-?"

"Don't say his name," James cut off Sirius for the hundredth time that day.

Sirius groaned. "But how am I supposed to talk about him in conversation, dimwit?"

"Call him a nickname. Like…bleached hedgehog," James suggested.

"Righto. EH-BA-BOO! Damn it, stupid parchment," Sirius cursed, lowering his swearing due to the headmaster eating his mash potatoes only feet away. He slammed his fist down at the table and made a plate of roast jump in the air.

"Anyway," James said, making a mental note to put Sirius in anger management. "Pete and I couldn't find anything in the library. We can all have another look later," he indicated to the four of them. "I don't want to leave you two alone again," he snickered at Remus and Sirius.

"Har-sodding-har."

"Besides, six hands are better than four," James added.

Remus re-analyzed over that sentence. "Don't you mean eight hands?" he corrected.

"No, because one of either your hands with probably still be playing Rock, Parchment, Scissors."

"EFFING SCISSORS."

Remus gave Sirius The Look, indicating to quieten down because they were attracting quite enough attention.

"I thought of a few pranks to do against the hedgehog," James mentioned, playing with his food. "But they seem a little, er, what's the word?"

"Childish and immature?" Remus offered.

"That's a little harsh, Remus."

"Aren't all pranks childish and immature?" Peter assumed.

James stuck out his tongue in thought. "Well, technically yes, but-"

The sound of hushing and whispers erupted in the Great Hall as everyone focused on the couple that had entered: Lily and Derrick. For some odd reason, everyone's gaze was also on James, everyone knowing his particular obsession with the girl, waiting for some sort of reaction.

James tried to keep the fake smile on his face and bowed his head, eating the rest of his custard tart. Sirius attempted getting their attention off his friend. "What are you all looking at?" he said audibly, his voice echoing in the hall as everyone shied embarrassingly away from his gaze. "What is this, some kind of freak show? If you want that, just look at Peter, for Merlin's sake!"

"Hey!"

"Oh! Sorry, Pete. Forgot you were here. I mean," Sirius lowered his voice, "Be a friend, Wormtail. I'm just trying to protect James."

At the mention of James' name, the boys followed his stare to further down the table -James appeared to be burning a hole through Derrick' head with such a heated glare. He was doing the unthinkable.

He was sitting at the _Gryffindor_ table.

"Is this some sort of _April Fool?_" Sirius questioned, watching as Derrick was tucking into a roast dinner whilst Lily sat beside him, looking deadpan. "Wait, what month is it?" He started counting the numbers on his fingers.

"This image is _so_ wrong," James said, "So wrong." His voice got squeakier with anger. "_So…wrong_."

Peter was practically tearing at his hair. "Doesn't he understand The Rules?" he cried, "_The Table House Rules!_ Why does he disobey the rules? Why? _Why!_"

Remus looked back and forth between them all. "What? I don't understand."

James gasped. "He's a Ravenclaw, Remus!" he hissed. "They have House Tables for a reason, y'know! He's totally disrespecting Hogwarts!"

"But don't you think the separate tables segregate the—"

"Oh, you are not on his side, Remus Lupin!" James interrupted, glaring daggers.

Remus cowered. "I'm not in his side," he justified.

"How dare that little turd sit at OUR TABLE?" Sirius said furiously. "I mean, EH-BA-BOO," he continued the game, getting yet another Rock Sign along with Remus, "he's asking for a death sentence, EH-BA-BOO, and I'll give him one."

Remus prepared himself for a physical beating for what he was going to say next. "I think Derr—" James glowered. "I mean, bleached hedgehog, has the right to sit anywhere he wants, doesn't he? I mean, really, students from other houses should mix more often."

"I don't understand," the three boys said, scarily together.

"I'm a Hufflepuff," a fellow sixth year mentioned a couple of seats away from the Marauders, eavesdropping on the conversation. "I sit here, _and_ at the Hufflepuff table, and have been doing for the past six years. Are you saying I'm not allowed to?" she asked dangerously.

"Well, you're pretty," Sirius stated, with a tone of obvious blatancy. "You're allowed to stay on this table. In fact, why not take a seat next to me?" He pushed Peter backwards out of his seat so the bench was free for the girl.

Remus rolled his eyes. "You're totally going against your principles, Sirius."

"Women have that affect on me…anyway; I have a prank for the hedgehog!"

James' eyes glinted. "You do, Padfoot?"

"Yep," Sirius nodded, "And I think I'll need your assistance, Prongs…or just as some sort of witness to my wit. EH-BA-BOO!" He made another hand gesture against Remus'. "Bollocks. Both rocks again. Let's go!" he said suddenly, and grabbed James by the arm and marched to where Derrick and Lily were sitting.

"And then he called me shallow," Derrick went on, admiring his reflection in the back of a spoon. He inspected his spikes and looked pretty satisfied. "But I thought he said 'shallot'." He burst into unrequited laughter.

Lily jumped, a little unprepared for the laughter, and paused from making a sad downwards mouth in the gravy of her plate with the tip of her fork. "I don't get it," she said, not understanding his joke.

"Shalllot is a type of onion," he explained.

"Oh…_right_."

"You're not playing with your food, are you?"

"Technically no, because the food is gone," she retorted.

Derrick peeked at her plate. "What are you drawing there?"

Lily jumped again and flung her plate down the end of the Gryffindor table like a Frisbee. "Nothing!" she lied, fluttering her eyelashes.

"HELLO THERE! MIGHT FINE DAY WE'RE HAVING!"

Lily instinctively knew that voice anywhere and wished that Frisbee plate would return and hit Sirius upside the head.

She caught her breath when she spotted James standing uncomfortably beside Sirius.

"James," Lily greeted him awkwardly.

Derrick stopped the eye contact between them with a rather firm grip around Lily's opposite shoulder.

"EH-BA-BOO!" Sirius shouted down the other side of the Great hall. "I GOT PARCHMENT!"

"So did I!" Remus wailed back.

James was still in disbelief to how they could get the same hand gestures at least five hundred times in a row.

"Wow, a Ravenclaw sitting at _our table_. Never seen anything like it, have we, Prongs?" Sirius said, as lightly as possible, which was really a threatening grumble. "Aren't you the adventurous one?"

"What exactly do you want?" Derrick asked to the point.

James was starting to wonder where exactly this was going. Sirius grinned, exchanging a secretive Marauder Glance with James, as a message to show that he would now indeed do the prank.

"Ifyergaysaywot," Sirius said.

Derrick, along with Lily, both looked extremely baffled. However, James looked on the depths of despair and was already raising a hand to hit Sirius like the bad puppy he was.

"I beg your pardon?"

Sirius panicked - the plan wasn't going as he had intended. Derrick wasn't supposed to answer 'I beg your pardon' like a polite snob.

"Ifyergaysaywot?" Sirius tried again.

"Excuse me?" Derrick snorted. "Can you please talk slower like normal people?"

If Sirius talked any slower, than there would be no point to this joke.

"Padfoot, you said you had a good prank! Not a bloody infant's school gag!" James hissed.

Lily looked suspiciously between the two, her arms crossed with dislike.

"Ifyergaysaywot," Sirius tried for a final time.

"What?"

Sirius thumped the air and began a bouncing jig. "HAR HAR, you POOF! You're GAY!"

James was trying to disintegrate into the floor.

"No, I'm not," Derrick argued.

"YEAH, you are! I said, 'If you're gay say what,' and you said 'what!' Ha, SAUSAGE JOCKEY!" Sirius cackled.

"No," Lily poked a fork into Sirius' stomach. "You said something completely jumbled and incomprehensible to understand."

Sirius snorted, "Maybe to _you_. But in _my_ mind, I knew what I was saying."

Lily reddened in frustration, which made James slightly giddy for liking her bad tempered quality. "But that doesn't make any sense!" she cried. "You said 'what' too, so that must mean you're gay. Not to mention you're wearing a girly headband."

Sirius did not think this through.

He scowled. "I'm wearing this VOLUNTARILY—_crap_, I mean _IN! _INVOLUNTARILY, DAMN IT! Stupid vocabulary…"

He formed another Marauder Glance at James, indicating another prank coming ahead.

"No, Padfoot! That's enough. You're embarrassing yourself," he said in between gritted teeth, trying to drag him by the headband.

"Get off, Prongsie." Sirius stomped in his foot. His eyes lit up as he was free from James' wrestling and quickly grabbed onto Derrick's…hand?

"Again, Sirius, suspicions of homosexuality are becoming clearer," Lily stated.

Sirius stuck out his tongue at her, and then focused his attention back to Derrick's hand as he shook it with odd politeness.

"Since when did you adopt manners?" Derrick asked, trying to dispatch his hand away from his. James was already shaking his head, knowing what was coming.

"What do you wipe your arse with?" Sirius asked him. He determinedly kept a firm grip as he shook his hand, not letting it go under any circumstances.

Lily coughed up the juice she was currently sipping. "What!" she spat. "People are eating, Sirius!"

"What do you wipe your arse with after going to the loo, _Derick_?" Sirius said his name with much dislike. "C'mon, it's not that hard of a question for you, a Ravenclaw, sitting at _our table_."

Derrick looked thoroughly disgusted at the question. "I don't think I want to answer that."

Sirius snickered, "What, don't you wipe your arse with anything?" he countered, still not letting go of his hand.

Derrick bit on his tongue and finally answered an unpleasant, "Toilet roll…"

"Oh really?" Sirius said, trying to act interested. "I wipe mine with my hands," he said with a smirk.

Derrick's eyes bulged. "Oh my God!" he wailed, finally managing to detract his hand.

James couldn't help but join in Sirius' chuckling.

"That is disgustingly juvenile," Derrick said, scowling.

Sirius wanted more.

Picking up a plate of Shepherd's pie that a third year had been eating, he balanced it on the palm of his hand and aimed it towards Derrick's face.

"PIE IN THE FACE!" He yelled happily, like a clown at a circus.

Unfortunately, Derrick had good reflexes and ducked the incoming plate of dinner, which missed his hair by inches and splattered into Lily's face instead.

James gasped, "Padfoot, you tit!"

Sirius blanched. "Oh poop."

The boys watched as the creamy pie covered her entire face, and the plate fell off her head and onto the lap of her only pair of school trousers for that week.

"AAARGH!"

The pie was also hot.

James and Sirius ran from the scene and quickly took their seats back with Remus and Peter.

"You are such an airy-fairy," James declared, smacking Sirius with the back of a spoon. He got slight satisfaction from this with the sound it made against his friend's skull, and repeated it a few times until he got bored and his hand was aching.

Remus instinctively peered at the two. "What did you do, dumb and dumber?"

James shot back a smile. "Nice to see you're back to your usual quaint self."

Sirius looked rather puzzled. "Which one am I?" he asked curiously. "….wait a sec, oi!"

Peter wiped his somehow custard-covered fingers on to his shirt. "Do you want me to do it now, Padfoot?" he asked obediently.

Sirius shot him a dodgy look. "Keep it on the down-low, Pete," he gritted through his teeth. "I give you the signal when I touch my nose, remember? Stupid mork."

"But you've been touching your nose repeatedly. I don't know what the signal is and what's a casual nose scratch!"

"You shouldn't do that, you know," James said, "You'll get a spotty nose from your dirty fingers."

Sirius stopped scratching his nose and grabbed a knife from the table, examining his reflection. "I don't have a spotty nose, do I?"

"I really do think you should be more worried about that horrific headband."

"For the last time, Moony: it's bandaging!"

Remus crossed his arms suspiciously. "And do what, exactly? What 'signal'?"

Sirius hoped Remus hadn't heard his gritting, and glanced down the table where he saw Lily looking boiled and about to leave the hall, most probably with Sirius' head decapitated. Knowing he didn't have much time left before he was on Lily's hunting list, Sirius scratched his nose feverishly.

Peter looked expressionless, continuing to slowly chew through his third portion of chocolate gateau.

"For God's sake, Pete! That was the signal!"

James laughed, though he was thoroughly confused by the situation.

"What signal?" Remus asked, more impatient.

Peter abandoned his chocolate gateau with much reluctance, and then followed the plan as Sirius had told him.

"Ooo, look! Merlin!" Peter pointed.

Sirius shook his head with a sigh.

"Merlin?" Remus questioned. "I think you've been eating too much gateau again. Do you want me to go with you to Madam Pomfrey to get some more potion for stomach pain?"

Peter reddened at that memory. "No, no, just look! Behind you!" he spoke with desperation.

"But why?"

"Because there's something neat there."

"Neat?"

"Yes…_neat_."

"I think someone dropped their book of Ancient Runes," James lied, helping Peter out.

Remus gasped. "How careless!" He swivelled round in his seat without a hence thought.

James eyed Sirius curiously as he revealed some sort of packet of powder, labeled: 'SO HOT IT BURNS YOUR MOUTH…REALLY, IT DOES. DON'T QUESTION IT. NEVER QUESTION THE LABEL. _OBEY_ THE LABEL.' He quickly sprinkled some of the powder over Remus' dessert of strawberries and melted chocolate, and then poured some potion from a flask into Remus' pumpkin juice.

"There's no book of Ancient Runes," Remus stated, turning back around, sounding very disappointed.

"Well, never mind," Peter said sympathetically. With a chocolate gateau covered smile, he shone his brown teeth.

James leaned his head on his hand in amusement. "Well, finish your strawberries then, Moony."

Remus patted his stomach. "Actually, I'm a little full."

Sirius' eye bulged. "No, you aren't!" he insisted.

"No, really I—"

Sirius pushed the bowl of strawberries closer towards him; so much it nearly slid off the table and landed on his lap. "_No, you aren't_."

Remus observed his friends until his eyes landed on Sirius' impish ones. "What did you do to my dessert, Sirius?"

"Nothin'."

"When ever you miss out the 'g' on nothing, you've obviously done something."

"Damn your over-analyzing of individuals' speech altering…" Sirius mumbled, then raised his voice to answer Remus, "There's nothing wrong with your lovely, scrumptious strawberries!"

"Hey, Sirius, why don't you have them?"

Sirius glared at James.

"That's quite a spiffing idea actually." Remus pushed the bowl of fruit towards Sirius. "If you have one, I'll have one," he compromised with a mischievous smile.

"But I'm a little full," Sirius mimicked Remus' words.

James tried to hide his snickering, "Why do you look so nervous, Padfoot? Go on, you little _piggylet_. Treat yourself."

Sirius would give James a major hiding later.

"Well, I suppose I might as well," Sirius smiled nervously, "You know me, I just eat and eat and I never know where the fat goes."

"To your boobs."

Sirius eyed Peter. "But I don't have boobs."

"Oh, wait…that's for women. Isn't there that weird saying? 'A pumpkin pastry to your lips is a lifetime on your hips?'"

Not standing the randomness of the conversation any longer, Sirius picked up the strawberry with his forefinger and thumb. Nothing good would come from eating those strawberries. They would taste like…_blazing_, if there was even a taste for that. Sirius imagined it would taste smoky, if there was a taste for that too.

Sirius popped the strawberry in his mouth and chewed.

He felt like someone had just cut off his tongue.

"BLAZING…" Sirius hissed, eyes watering. "BLAZING!"

James swiftly handed him a glass of water, not wanting to be seen sitting next to a cry baby.

Remus laughed at Sirius' pain. "I knew there was something in that dessert! I bet you put Polyjuice potion in there or something, didn't you!" He shook his head at Sirius. "You forget that I am rather clever."

And on that note, he took a generous gulp of his pumpkin juice.

The boys took intakes of breath and Sirius smirked.

"Feeling your skin bubbling, Muh-hoony?"

Remus gave him a puzzled look as he put down the goblet. "What are you…_no_!" He touched his cheeks and felt his body already resizing. "You tricked me! I thought we were playing the best of three of Rock, Parchment, Scissors!"

"I lied," Sirius grinned.

James looked at Remus sympathetically, "Bathroom, Moony?"

Remus nodded, and then ran out of the hall, with much confused looks directed his way.

Rhiana would return soon.

"I'll give you more than a pie in the face, Sirius-bloody-Black!" Lily railed.

And some people had never left.


	21. Herpes the owl, and No, I'm not joking

**Chapter 21**

"Rhiana! Rhiana, are you ready?"

"For the last time: bugger off!"

Remus Lupin was not a happy werewolf.

"But Miss Peenapul," Sirius sang, knocking a merry tune on the toilet door, "You have to make a grand entrance from the toilet cubicle sometime!"

"Oooo, she's hideous! Just look at that hair!"

"What do you mean 'she', you irritating ghost!"

"Oi, leave Myrtle alone, Moony," Sirius said, casting an apologetic look at the ghost who floated above in a rather infuriated mood at Remus' comment. "She could give you make-up tips or something," he suggested. "Though, she could use some blusher herself since she looks awfully pale. Get it? Pale, because she's a ghost! Har har, get it, Pete...? Myrtle...? _Jeez_, you people need to LIGHTEN UP. It's not like your bloody DEAD or something—oh, wait. Sorry Myrtle."

Remus folded his arms stubbornly and leaned against the cubicle wall, pushing up the James Potter glasses on the bridge of his nose that just didn't seem to hold in place. "I'm not coming out. And I am most certainly _not_ leaving this bathroom with Snape on the prowl."

"Maybe Rhiana finds prowling sexy-"

"Rhiana most certainly does not!"

"Er…are we still talking about Rhiana here?"

"Quiet, Wormtail," Sirius hushed him. "You're supposed to be keeping an eye on Snape on the map," he reminded the boy, tapping the parchment in his hand.

Peter nodded in obedience, and then let his eyes glimpse across the many corridors of Hogwarts on the parchment. "Hey," he pointed to the map, "Is that Prongs going to the…Owlery?"

"Oh, I told him to go transfigure some owls into pigeons."

"_You what?_" Remus shrieked, flinging the cubicle door open in hysterics.

Sirius grinned. "Finally, mademoiselle has decided to make her appearance! I do say, Moony, that dress is much more dashing than that ghastly lace thing you wore before."

Remus reddened, flushing a thousand reds in his glittery turquoise dress. "I do not feel comfortable in this," he stated, thoroughly displeased by the bright revealing attire Sirius had hurled over the cubicle door for him to 'sport! Yes, Moony! You must SPORT! SPORT AWAY!'

"Fashion over comfort ability always, Moony! Honestly, have I taught you nothing?"

Remus grumbled. "I can't believe I fell for that James-transfiguring-owls-into-pigeons-thing," he said embarrassingly.

Sirius gave him a confused look. "What? I wasn't joking."

"You're honestly saying James is going around, pointing his wand at _other people's owls_, and trying to transfigure them into pigeons?" Remus asked, trying to make logic of the question.

"Yes," said Sirius, as if the answer was completely obvious. "We ran out of prank ideas for Derrick so Prongs had to 'resort' –honestly, resort is not the word I would've liked him to say but he used it- to my idea about pigeons raping Derrick from behind. All he needs is about," he counted a few odd fingers on his hand, "fifty pigeons, I'd say. But anyway, back to your situation."

Remus paled, drifting off his thoughts of James possibly being pecked to death by angry owls, and to the subject of how he could escape Sirius and his insanity. Meanwhile, Sirius was eyeing him up and down. Remus was very aware that his upper thighs were visible. He knew he shouldn't be bothered by this factor considering he was in James Potter's body, but he still self-conscious all the same.

"Hmm, pretty…scary," Sirius winced. "Your hair needs a brush." He produced a comb from his shirt pocket, so conveniently placed there for sudden bad hair days (which of course Sirius never had) and hurried over to Remus, detangling the long, black wig.

Remus slapped Sirius' hand out of the way and ducked the incoming brush. "You are not brushing my hair, Sirius! This scene is odd enough!"

"God, don't act like such a prude, Moony," Sirius laughed. Remus took off a high heel shoe and thrust it out in front of him as a weapon. "Okay, now you're just overreacting."

"Chimps pick through each other's hair, Sirius! You know, primate partners, a sign of affection as they pick through each others to remove dirt-"

"But I'm not _picking_ through your hair, I'm _combing_ it."

"Padfoot!" Peter tugged on Sirius' arm, feverishly, pointing at the map with his wand. "Snape is in the Great hall, eating. It won't be too long until he makes his way back to his common room."

Sirius looked wide-eyed. "Shit! We'll have to act fast before he gets into the wank hole," he referred to the Slytherin common room distastefully. He gave Remus another look over; about to make another comb of his hair, but Remus gave him a menacing growl. "Right, hair's fine, then." He slipped the comb away before his werewolf friend got anymore frenzied. "High heels. Check. Dress. Check. No time for blusher, damn it!" He swore, and then tried aiming his hand to slap Remus' face numerous times.

"C'mon, help me, Pete!"

Peter gave Sirius a blank look, shrugged, and then brought back his hand to give Remus' cheeks a walloping.

"You too, Myrtle! Oh, no wait, your hand would go straight through him…you could try whacking him with some loo roll or something."

Myrtle brightened at being involved with individuals who could eat without food coming out from under them, and answered with a happy, "Gladly!" She grabbed a chest full of toilet roll from inside a cubicle and started pelting them at the boy.

"What are you—ow! _OW!_ Stop that!" Remus clutched his cheeks that now looked a heavy red. "Why-" He paused as toilet roll collided with his nose. "_Why are you doing that_?" he asked hysterically.

"Your cheek looks white," Sirius said. "The slapping gives you natural blusher!"

Peter was about to make another smack at Remus' face but he stopped him with a hard tug on the ear.

"Girls don't really slap their cheeks for natural blusher, do they?" Remus couldn't help but ask.

"Only the mental ones!" Sirius shouted over Peter's screams of ear-pulling agony.

"I think you're done now." Sirius examined Remus one final time. "Oh-oh! No, wait!" he remembered. He bent down to his knees and picked up some toilet roll, spreading it out as he scrunched the tissue into balls.

Sirius announced with a grin, "Boobie time!"

"BOOBIE WHAT?" Remus yelped.

"Boo-beee time," Peter repeated slower, casting Remus a mocking look for being so oblivious.

"Okay," Sirius unravelled more toilet roll into clumps in his hands, "Now, I'm just gonna touch your chest-"

"WHAT?" Remus screamed. "GET AWAY FROM ME!"

Sirius put an arm on his hip. "I need to stuff your chest with boobie material. No need to get into song and dance about it. Now, c'mere."

Remus laughed ridiculously at his order of, 'C'mere.' "I am not willingly coming anywhere near you!" he cried.

Thirty seconds later…

"More in the left breast, Pete. No, not that much, mork. Now his left breast looks bigger than the right…hmm, add some more to the right one, then. Not too much or he'll fall over."

Remus tried to protest but the factor of being frozen by a stupefy spell to the bathroom floor prevented any talking.

"Wormtail, you're not stuffing the tissue in properly," Sirius complained, watching as Peter climbed over Remus and shoved loo roll under his dress. "You're stuffing it so far down you're making it look as if he's pregnant!"

"But I don't know where the breast ends or where it begins!"

"Oh, for goodness sake," Sirius joined Peter on the floor and shoved the Marauders Map back into Peter's hands, moulding Remus' breasts instead. "We're aiming for regular sized melons, not granny ones that droop somewhere near his stomach." He made a couple of squeezes for grasping capability.

"Maybe we should ask a girl's opinion. Like…Evans," Peter suggested, spotting her dot on the parchment.

Sirius snorted. "Oh yes, let's ask Evans. 'Hey, Evans! Wanna help us stuff Moony's boobs considering you're a girl and you've got a pair!' Bloody moron…"

Peter let this insult pass, on the grounds of his brain blocking out people's voices involuntarily. "Oh, flobberworms," he murmured. "Padfoot!"

"WHAT? DO NOT DISTURB THE MASTER AT WORK!" Sirius shrieked, bits of tissue hurled in the air in outburst.

"Evans is on her way to the Owlery…" Peter said quietly.

"…You're shitting me," Sirius said, unconvinced.

Peter shook his head grimly and handed the map to the page where a dot labelled 'Prongs' girl' was ambling her way to the Owlery, whilst a dot labelled 'Prongs the mighty' was inside.

----------

"HERPES!" James bellowed. "HERPES, GET YOUR OWL BUTT DOWN HERE!"

Herpes the snowy owl was originally named as 'Harpy', but never answered to call of her name. It was only one day when the owl responded to a call by Sirius at the Potter household where he called jubilantly, 'Oi, Harpy! Hey, wait a sec…her name sounds like HERPES! Isn't that funny? HARHAR HARHAR! HERPES! C'mere, HERPES! What the...OH MY GOD, IT'S CLAWING AT MY FACE! GET IT OFF ME, JAMES! WAAAAH!'

Which Mrs. Potter then replied, "Oh, Sirius, that's just a sign of affection. She's just telling you how much she loves you."

In which Sirius screamed in response, "IT'S TAKING A DUMP IN MY EYE! POOP IN THE CORNEA, MRS. P! GET A HAM-BULANCE!"

"Look, Herpes," James said, upturning his head to look at his owl that seemed to have picked the highest point of the owlery as if she _knew_ James' plan. "Just come down for a sec, girl. I'm going to send a letter…A LETTER…" He put his hands up in innocence, which was a pretty stupid thing to do as it showed no signs of mail in his hands.

A _letter_…Yeah, _sure_.

"C'mon, Herpie. I got some nice owl treats for ya," James lied.

Herpes made a dignified squawk, as if to say 'I don't believe you, stupid four-eyed human!'

"You're not still mad about that thing with Sirius, are you?"

Another chirp signified a huffy yes.

"Herpes, he told you he was sorry for trying to put you in a box without air holes and mail you to Jamaica. He was just upset about you pooping in his pancakes at the breakfast table."

If James wasn't corrected, the owl looked as if it were smiling at the thought of that memory.

"Herpes, c'mon," he pressed. "I haven't got all bloody day, alright! Either you get down or I'll make you come down."

The owl looked at him with gleaming eyes, as if she were challenging him to.

"Sodding lazy owl…" He cursed, rolling up his shirt sleeves. Looking for something to hurl at the owl but not physically harm it any way, he picked up an animal bone from the straw-covered floor and threw it in Herpes' direction.

He hit the wrong owl.

"Er…woops. Sorry, brown old with menacing eyes. I was trying to hit the one next to you—oh don't look at me like that, Herpes! For Merlin's sake! Just come down here so I can turn you into a pigeon! Herpes...? HERPES!"

James was starting to lose his patience.

"Alright, have it your way!" He took his wand from his back trouser pocket and pointed it at the bird.

Every owl's head turned to look at him. The calming sound of chirps and cooing stopped and the circular room was surrounded with foreboding silence.

"Okaaaay…" James got Goosebumps as he watched every round orb focus on him. "Stop looking at me like that…" his voice wobbled. "S-stop it."

It's quite frightening having more than a hundred soundless owls watching you, heads completely turned around so they were watching you from the back. Owls were quite scary when they're not cooing and nudging you in the neck because Sirius fed Herpes too much cough medicine.

"Christ, keep yourself together, man. They're just birds," he told himself. He straightened his wand arm out more confidently as he shouted the transfiguring spell at Herpes. Sadly, the spell missed, bouncing off the walls and making the owls go into frenzy. Before he knew it, he was blocking his ears because of the flapping wings of every owl zooming off their perch of the ceiling rafters.

"Oh God! _Oh God!_" James shrieked. He quickly dropped to his knees, not caring that his school trousers was covered in owl poop, and narrowly avoided the outstretched wings as the birds zoomed passed him, clearly not caring if they collided with his head.

James desperately tried to seek some sort of shelter from flying owls and their flying droppings that seemed to drop just too accurately near him for it to be natural. "Oi, move it!" He tried to avoid the aimless owls that were walking on the ground, and covered his hands over his head as he dragged himself across the floor.

Suddenly Herpes was in his frontage.

With a quick motion of his wand, he swished and shouted the transfiguring spell at the bird.

In the blink of an eye, the snowy owl chirped furiously as she changed from the beautiful, wondrous creature to…a stump of an ugly pigeon.

"YES!" James punched the air, then immediately regretted his outburst.

Every owl had seen what he'd done; he'd just harmed one of their owl buddies. He especially noticed that particular brown owl with the menacing eyes which he hit with an animal bone, sharpening his claws on a rafter.

James wondered if owls ate human.

"AAAARGH!"

Meanwhile, Lily Evans sauntered her way to the Owlery with a letter to her parents clutched in her hand.

She had managed to avoid her _lovely_ boyfriend Derrick by saying she needed to go see Professor McGonagall to grass up Sirius Black with his PIE-IN-YOUR-FACE escapades. She had planned to wring his neck herself but he had mysteriously gone missing ever since he ran out of the Great hall after a sickly looking Remus. Unfortunately, Professor McGonagall could do nothing about Sirius as she'd given him detention for the rest of the year.

So instead Lily decided to moan in a never-ending letter to her parents about the 'trials and tribulations' of her life, with such sentences of: 'I'm miserable, mum! I hate Black and I hate Potter and let me move to Beauxbutons where nobody can annoy me by talking to me because they speak French and I'm rubbish at other languages. And also, thanks for the knitted sweater…Send me more chocolate or I might slit my wrists…Just joking, mother! No seriously, don't ring a therapist. I'm fine. Just teen angst...GAH. And yes, mother, I know 'GAH' is not a real word.'

"_Wait! Oh yes, wait a minute Mr. Postman. Wait! Wai-ai-ai-ait, Mr. Postman!"_ Lily sang, twiddling the letter in between her fingers."_Mr. Postman, look and see, oooooh yeaaaaah! You got a letter in your bag for me, pleeeease pleeease Mr. Postman!_"

"Help! _HELP!_

Lily stopped in her tracks as she heard the distant calling. "James?" she questioned, rather disturbed.

"HERPES, HELP ME!"

Lily stuck a finger in her ear to check if she was hearing right.

"HERPES! _HERPES!_"

"…Herpes?" Lily echoed, now fully disturbed. Dropping the letter to the floor, she ran the few steps that led to the owlery and gasped as she saw James Potter wrestling on the floor as countless number of owls pecked at him.

"Lily!" James spotted her as he tried to shield his eyes from pointy beaks. "Lily, help me! They're practically pecking inverted nipples into me!"

Lily stopped herself from backing away from the horrific scene and ran to James' side, trying to wave and shove the owls off as gently as possible.

"Aaargh, get off!" she yelled. "Shoo! Shoo!"

The Shoo-ing effect seemed to be oddly working, extremely slowly.

"Hizzy!" Lily called the name of her pet owl as it had seemed to clamp itself onto James' face - the same brown owl with the menacing eyes, James had noted. "Get off him, Hizzy!"

She managed to grab her owl off James' face; he made a grateful gasp of air as he'd stopped being suffocated with an owl's arse.

"Bad hizzy!" Lily told off her owl. "You go to a corner and think about what you've done." She looked at him with disappointment; Hizzy bowed his head shamefully. In swift motion, the owl jumped off Lily's arm and flew to a high rafter to sulk.

"James, I suggest we leave!" She ducked an incoming bird. "These birds have gone crazy!"

Not arguing, James leapt outside the Owlery, following Lily's advice. They both heaved for breath as they found safety in a nearby corridor. As they both tried to get air back into their lungs, Lily saw something rustling in James' hand.

"There appears to be a pigeon in your hand."

"Oh," James glanced down at Herpes and flushed. "I do know that," he mentioned, then tried stuffing the pigeon into his pocket.

"James! You can't stuff him into your pocket!" Lily stopped his hand and blushed as their hands grazed.

"Herpes," James corrected her word of 'him'.

"Well, that's your problem…"

"No, I don't have herpes!" he rectified.

Lily gave him an unconvinced look. "What happened to those owls back there? They went wild. What set them off?"

James looked down at his shoes and examined his laces. "Er…dunno," he shrugged, "I was just trying to send a letter and BAM- they went crazy and started attacking me!"

Lily still didn't seem persuaded. "Right…You should let that pigeon go, y'know," she said, watching it wrestle in his hand.

"But she's mine."

Lily raised an eyebrow. "Yours? Normally wizards own owls, not pigeons."

"Well, the shop ran out of owls so I, er, picked a bird…from a park…" James fumbled.

Lily was wondering why James didn't just buy a cat or a toad of some sort, and was also suspicious by the fact that the Wizarding world never ran out of owls.

"Nice ring," James complimented suddenly. He remembered spotting the ring for a second earlier but only seemed to register it in now in his mind.

Lily flinched and looked at the ring on her middle finger, slightly jumping as she'd forgotten it was even there. The giant, oversized emerald jewel on the silver band seemed to ridicule her.

"Uh…Derrick got it for me," Lily explained quietly, avoiding James' eye contact. She could feel him tense.

"What, are you married now?" he joked. Lily gave a defiant snort of objection. "I didn't realise you were so materialistic…" he mumbled dejectedly.

"I'm not," Lily quickly cut in. "I didn't even ask for it."

James tried to stand still as Herpes was violently struggling in the grip of his hand. "I could've, y'know, bought you stuff…"

Lily felt herself soften by the second. "I'd never ask you buy me stuff, James. I never wanted this stupid thing. It's horrid," she said truthfully, thrusting her hand downwards as far away as possible.

James gave a faint smile.

"Lily!"

James instinctively backed away from her and gruffly shot Derrick a snide glare - the boy had practically sprinted down the corridor and attached himself to Lily, ignoring James' presence.

"I thought you said you were going to see McGonagall and come straight back to meet me?" Derrick's tone laced with annoyance.

"I did, but I went to send a letter at the Owlery…How did you know where to find me?" Lily asked, truly baffled.

James watched as Derrick's gaze seemed to linger too unnaturally long on the emerald ring, and he stopped when he noticed James watching him.

"Instinct," Derrick said simply.

James frowned.

"We must be going, dear. We've got that Slug Club private party, remember?" Derrick reminded her, sliding an arm round her waist.

"Oh, right," she replied faintly.

Derrick raised a mocking eyebrow at James. "_Private_ party," he repeated, "Only the important members who Slughorn considers as _worthy_. I suppose _you_ wouldn't get an invitation, would you, James? Not talented enough, I suppose."

James grinded his teeth to crumbs. "Actually, I'm a full member of the Slug Club," he said fiercely.

Derrick looked abash. "Oh, really? I suppose Slughorn just invites _anyone_ these days out of pity." James felt his fists clench. "I've never seen you attend."

"I do get the ribbon invitations but unfortunately I'm too busy to attend. You know me; too busy having an actual life."

"Hey," Lily said, a little offended.

"Just Quidditch," James rectified quickly, sorry that he'd snubbed her.

Derrick laughed, "Throwing a few balls into hoops whilst flying on sticks of wood - how _ghastly_. Well, let's get going, Lily, dear."

Derrick pushed Lily with a strong hand to her back but stopped when James said a jolly, "I'll join you!"

"…What?" Derrick gritted through his teeth.

"Well, I've suddenly found my schedule free," James said with a smirk.

Lily eyed him curiously. "But you never attend Slughorn's get-togethers."

"Gotta start somewhere, eh? Well, _Derrick_," James said snidely, "Lead the way." He waved a hand in front of him.

Derrick forced Lily to the left side of him so James would have to walk along side of him instead. "Wonderful. The more the merrier," he grumbled. He frowned as he heard cooing from James' fist. "Aren't you going to do something with that pigeon?" he asked distastefully.

"Oh, sure." James pocketed Herpes and wiped his dirty hands on his already owl-dropping covered trousers.

After a few edgy minutes of stillness to Slughorn's classroom, where Lily desperately tried not to giggle at the movement in James' pocket, they finally made it to the Slug Club headquarters.

Derrick shoved James roughly as he opened the door first for Lily to step inside.

"Oho! Lily, my dear!" Slughorn greeted with the usual over enthusiasm and fluttering moustache. She formed a faint smile in greeting. "Oho! Derrick, m'boy!" Derrick inclined a nod in response. "OHO! JAMES POTTER, M'BOY!"

He was starting to regret ever agreeing to come to this private party. _No girl was worth this_.

"James Potter!" Slughorn shot to his side and started eagerly shaking his hand with a slightly domineering look in his eye. "What a pleasure of you to attend! I know how those teachers keep you away with detention and those spectacular Quidditch skills of yours keep you busy on the pitch."

Derrick snorted, not looking at all impressed.

"Oho, jealously is a fickle thing, m'boy," Slughorn said, noticing his displeasure.

Derrick flushed. "Oh, there may be jealously, professor, but not in the way you think," he retorted, tightening a hand over Lily's.

"You must meet the others!" Slughorn said graciously, waving a hand to the other students who were gloomily munching on pastries to rather dull music. Slughorn stopped a moving elf that carried a tray of a bottle and empty goblets. "Sherry, anyone?"

Lily gasped. "Professor, I highly think it's appropriate of a teacher to be handing out drinks of sherry-"

"Gladly," James talked over her, taking the full glass of sherry the elf had poured. He drank the liquid down in barely a few gulps and slapped it back down on elf's tray. "Hit me," he said simply, indicating for another to make himself think in a less sober state that the party was simply a riot.

"Your sleeve appears to be talking."

James looked over to brim of his glass to cast Derrick a glower. "Excuse me?"

"Something's calling your name in your sleeve," Lily explained more politely, and Derrick shot her an irritated look for doing so.

"What the—oh!" James peeped down into his sleeve, remembering the Marauder Mirror he'd slipped in there. "I'll be back be a second," James told the couple, which they didn't seem to notice as Lily and Derrick both seemed to be in some sort of argument of quiet, fierce whispers.

James quickly made his way for the door of the classroom so he could communicate with the specific Marauder in privacy. Unfortunately, Slughorn broke off his conversation with a short, blonde haired girl, who quickly shot off whilst the professor had turned around to look at him. "Oho! James, m'boy! You better not be slipping off now!"

James gave him a weak smile. "Don't worry, professor! I'll be right back! Don't drink too much sherry now, sir!"

The professor laughed humorously and waved him off, looking disappointed when he turned around and found the girl had disappeared. Luckily he spotted another helpless student across the room. "Oho, Martha, my dear!"

James shut Slughorn's door with a click and he stood in the empty corridor. Making a cautious look around, he slipped out the mirror and held it in front of him. He rubbed at the owl droppings that had somehow got stuck to the front.

"Prongsie!" the mirror sang.

James burst into laughter as a giant plop of owl poop was covered on the mirror, directly on Sirius' face.

"What? What's so funny, butt pirate?" Sirius demanded.

James batted a hand. "Nothing, nothing. Now, what do you want, anal buccaneer?"

"Where are you?" Sirius peeked at the mirror closely and thrust his head forwards, as if he would get a better view of James' surroundings. "You need to come to Myrtle's bathroom! Now!"

"What?" James frowned. "Why?"

"'Cause Moony's got boobies!"

James rolled his eyes. "Oh, very funny, Padfoot. I don't have time for your nonsense."

"No, I'm telling the truth, man!"

"Whatever, Pad. Anyway, whatever you're doing, I can't come because I'm busy."

Sirius gave him a hurt look. "Where are you, anyways?"

James looked away from the mirror. "I'm at a Slug Club party."

"…No, seriously, where are you?" Sirius repeated again.

"Oh har-bloody-har, Sirius. I can mingle with more intellectual beings, y'know."

"Lily's there, isn't she?"

"Yep."

Sirius smirked. "Go figure. Pete saw Lily going to the Owlery. How many pigeons did you manage to do?"

James exposed the pigeon from his trousers and thrust it at the mirror. "Just one, I'm afraid."

Sirius examined the pigeon with squinting eyes. "That's Herpes, isn't it?"

"Yep."

"Har har."

"She's still upset with you, you know."

Sirius gave Herpes an apologetic look. "You know I love you, babe."

"For the love of God, please say you were talking to the bird."

"_May-be_."

"You are such a cock."

"At least I don't suck them."

An odd and audible cry of laughter (or scream, whatever you could classify it as) came from within the classroom.

"I've got to go," James said at once. "I might be missing the funniest thing of the party. Maybe someone's choking on a pumpkin pastry."

"Ooo-ooo!" Sirius jumped up and down excitedly. "Moony said those were good! Bring me back some, will you?"

"…Airy-fairy." James ended the conversation by shoving the mirror into his free trouser pocket, the one which wasn't occupied by an enraged pigeon.

----------

"Oi, mork! Are you going to get me those pumpkin pastries or what? Oi! OI! HEL-LO!" Sirius shouted at the mirror, which had turned a shadowy black. "He hung up on me…"

"Can you hang up on someone who's on a mirror?"

"Honestly dunno, Pete. My brain can only process a few questions at a time. And right now I'm wondering whether Prongs is going to bring me back those pumpkin pastries or not."

"I have NEVER felt _so humiliated_ in my life."

Sirius jumped at Remus' voice, forgetting his friend was there - boobs, dress, and all.

"_Oh_, you get tissue bosoms and _suddenly_ you feel humiliated," Sirius put his hands his hands in the air in a mocking jig.

"Because it's not viable!" Remus said. "And impractical!"

Sirius rubbed his chin. "Hmm, I'm not so sure about that. You should see some of the guy's man boobs-" Remus instinctively groaned "-on the Quidditch team. You know when the team wins and all the guys take their shirts off to fly a victory lap around the pitch –oh, I wish that applied to the ladies- but anyway, some of the guys should _really_ keep their shirts _on_ if you know what I'm saying." He shuddered.

"Do you ever stop rambling?" Remus asked.

"My obnoxious mother asked me that once. But I don't want to talk about her because she's a cold, pureblood loving skank who I want to rot in hell and have been sending her howlers ever since I moved into James' house and-"

"Sirius," Peter cut in, pulling on his arm again as he showed him the Marauders map. "Snape's on his way back to the, er, 'wank hole'."

Sirius' jiggled excitedly. "Righto!" He turned to observe Remus bosoms again. "Are they the right size now? Do you want them bigger-?"

"Get those hands away from me!" Remus slapped his hand away as he kept his folded arms protectively over his tissue breasts. "I keep slapping femininely. How long is this Polyjuice potion going to last?"

"It's extra strong," Sirius grinned as if he were describing alcohol content. "Right, Operation Seduce Snape has begun! Now, let's go, madamois—Muh-hoony, where are you hobbling off to, miss?"

Remus hurried as quickly as possible as he hobbled in his high heels, trying to lock himself back into one of the cubicles.

"Myrtle! MYRTLE, STOP HIM!"

The ghost swooped down from her perching in a corner and zoomed straight into Remus' path, her ghostly figure passing through him.

"Aaaah, ghost shivering!" Remus moaned. His body wobbled as he tried to shake himself together.

Sirius and Peter took this opportune chance to pounce on him, taking a hold of each of his arms.

"No! No, I don't want to! Don't make me go back to him!" Remus begged, wrestling as the boys dragged him out of the bathroom. His heels squeaked as they scraped across the floor of the corridor whilst they made their way towards the dungeons.

"His breathing, Sirius. His breathing!" Remus tugged on Sirius' collar with a look of desperation in his eyes. "The grease, Sirius, please! That smile… so much iniquity…the malevolence…"

Sirius looked at him worriedly. "You're scaring me, Moony," he stated. "Hold yourself together, man—er, I mean, _wo_man."

"Wickedness…malice…"

Sirius patted him on the head. "Yep, you'll be fine, Muh-hoony."

Peter tugged on Sirius' arm as he peeked at the map. "Snape's just around the corner," he informed.

Sirius grinned, rubbing his hands together eagerly. He and Peter continued to drag the stubborn Rhiana Peenapul across the corridor - by now he was so desperate that he was shouting at portraits for help.

"ABDUCTION!" Remus screamed at the top of his lungs. "KIDNAP! SEIZURE!"

"I do say, unhand that boy at once! Or you will suffer the wrath of the mighty Sir Cadog-"

"But a sock in it, you stupid knight," Sirius cut him off, giving him the middle finger.

Sir Cadogan huffed and galloped away through the portraits on his fat, grey pony.

The boys stopped at a corner where the corridor turned a left, and poked their heads out sneakily. They watched as Snape made his last few steps up to the entrance of the Slytherin common room.

"Quick, Moony!" Sirius hissed. "Before he gets inside the wank hole!" He gave Remus an almighty push round the corner and he stumbled forward, the sounds of his high heels echoing down the hall.

"That hurt, you obtuse goose!" Remus complained as he rubbed his back. He was about to hobble back behind the corner but the sound of his girlish name was called from the other end of the corridor.

"Rhiana? Is that...is that really you?"

Remus paled.

Peter peeped from behind the corner of the wall with an inclining head. "That's your name, remember?" he said lamely, thinking Remus' silence was due to forgetfulness.

"Of course I know that, Peter!" he hissed.

"Rhiana?"

Sirius sneaked a look behind the wall again and gave him an ordering look. "Don't keep him waiting, Moony! For goodness sake!" he murmured. "Get over there! And remember what I told you: seduction. SEDUCTION."

"Rhiana," Snape repeated, a little more impatient that he'd gotten no answer yet.

Remus slowly swivelled round, his hair whipping round and making Snape oddly catch his breath. He cautiously wobbled in his drastically high shoes until he was standing before Snape.

"Severus!" Remus squeaked in his practised feminine voice.

Snape looked astounded. "You're back! You left so suddenly without a word," he recalled, his head turning away with a faraway expression of loneliness.

"Er, yes, awfully sorry about that," Remus apologized. "I just, er, had to come back to see you again! I had to, uh, run away from my school! Everyone is looking for me, but I fled just to see your face one more time and to, um, touch that lovely soft, shining hair with my delicate fingertips!"

Goodness, Remus was too good at this.

"To see me again?" Snape repeated, gazing at her eyes. "You look striking," he admired her, letting his eyes run over his body. "You seemed to have…filled out more," he said faintly, eyes not drifting off Remus' new bosoms.

Remus was starting to feel how girls did when boys looked blatantly at their figure. He crossed his arms over his chest. "Really, you like this hideou—I mean, _lovely_ dress?"

Snape grabbed Remus' hand again, which he knew happened too often for his liking and distinctly did not like Snape's sweaty hands holding his. "The colour brings out your eyes."

Remus simply couldn't comprehend how Snape had just used one of the cheesiest chat up lines in the history of time.

"But my eyes aren't turquoise," Remus pointed out with his Moony Manner Corrective-ness.

Snape stroked his hand and brought it to his lips in a slow kiss. "You have pools of the bluest oceans in your eyes."

Remus tried snatching his hand away as courteously as he could, though Snape seemed to be keeping a possessive hold on him.

"But Jame—I mean, _my_ eyes are brown," Remus tried to correct him again. "There is no hint of blue or any other sort of cerulean col—BUGGER!" He wailed in pain, an invisible force smacking him in the stomach. "What in Merlin's name-"

"Seductiveness, Moony," a voice hissed in his hear, most probably under the invisibility cloak which actually belonged to James Potter but seemed to be around Sirius Black's shoulders more often than usual. "No Moony corrections!"

"Just eyelash fluttering and giggles! Girls do that loads!" a voice whispered, recognised as Peter.

Snape looked at Rhiana with concern. "Are you alright, Rhiana? You look faint. You could always come back to my dormitory to lie down…"

Remus did not like the sound of that.

"Oh, no, no, no," he shook his head, politely as possible. "No signs of faintness at all. I'm awake as anyone. I'm the most awake person in the Wizarding world," he emphasised, then made a two minute high-pitched giggle.

Snape gave an understanding nod. "Do you want to go for a walk somewhere?" He suggested, and Remus hoped to God he wouldn't add 'to the broom closet', and luckily Snape didn't.

"Well, I don't-" Remus began, but stopped by another invisible blow to the stomach. "That would be lovely," he said in a high voice, fluttering his eyelashes unnaturally until they watered, or maybe Remus was just on the verge of tears at that moment.

Snape grabbed for Rhiana's hand but Remus folded it under his arm. "Let's take it slow, shall we?" he gritted through his teeth.

"Feisty. I love women who like to be respected," Snape commented.

"Thank goodness I'm one of those girls, then," Remus said sourly as he followed Snape against his will.

----------

James found out that The Slug's parties were indeed a riot. That audible laugh which he thought he heard from behind the door was predictably someone choking on a pumpkin pastry. And he'd missed it. Bugger.

"Hit me," he addressed the elf again.

"James Potter, sir, I don't think sir should have so much sherry at once."

"Don't worry, my alcohol capacity is large," James assured the elf, taking another full goblet.

Slughorn gave him a warm smile. "So, James, how are your parents? I know you've probably inherited all their great talent."

Derrick was in a worsening mood the more attention James got.

"'Suppose," James answered uncomfortably.

"Still the great Aurors I hear about in the _Prophet_? Still alive and well?"

"Professor!" Lily gasped at such a question.

"I hope they are," James said, trying not to glower at the professor. "Or maybe you've jinxed me and when I get home I'll find out Voldermort's killed them."

"Oho, m'boy, I didn't mean to cause offence-"

But James had already made a departing, sarcastic bow and took his goblet of sherry, winding his way through the room of Slughorn's members to find somewhere more likable to wallow in his sorrows.

Finding a gloomy corner, he leaned against the wall, observing the others in the room.

All puppets of Slughorn. All collectables. He could count at least ten people in this room who he guessed would become Death Eaters to that dark wizard in the future.

"Hey James."

His eyes came across the girl in front of him and he gave her a look of surprise. "Georgina," he greeted the girl, remembering Sirius mentioning her if he ever wanted a rebound snog. "How'd you get in here?" he asked suspiciously, not knowing the girl had any famous relatives or any special talent.

"Sneaked in," Georgina explained, joining him in the leaning against the wall.

"You picked a great party to sneak into," James said dryly.

"For the sherry," the girl added. "Or maybe for the particular company," she smiled as she tucked a strand of blonde hair behind her ear.

James snorted. "You had no idea I was going to be here."

Georgina winced, "You know me too well." Her eyes flickered when she heard the sound of rustling and moved her gaze to James' trousers. "Is that a banana in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?" she asked huskily.

"No, it's a pigeon."

"…What?"

James rustled in his pocket and revealed Herpes the newfound pigeon with many feathers protruding off her.

"Okay…" Georgina gave him a confused look but decided to let the moment pass. "Oi, elf!" she clicked her fingers to get the house elf's attention and it quickly hurried up to her, making a bow. James slightly frowned at the way she treated the creature but didn't comment. Georgina took one of the goblets without any thanks and started sipping.

"You know, we could always ditch this," Georgina suggested.

"Really?" James said, not appearing that interested. He tried to look as if he were in deep conversation with her but was too busy looking at that gigantic emerald ring on Lily's hand. "Ditch for what?"

Georgina shrugged her shoulders, but the look on her face explained it all. "You know, _stuff_."

James snorted into his glass of sherry. "Oh, _stuff_. _That_ sounds like fun," he said sarcastically.

Lily looked away from her conversation with another girl and met James' eyes, whilst Georgina observed. She leant closer James, so much he could feel her warm breath against his cheek. "It'd drive her crazy," she murmured, low and smooth. Finally, she got James' attention.

"Really?" he replied, curious. He turned his head to look at her and she was barely inches away from touching his lips. He quickly pressed his hand gently to her waist and pushed her away. "Sorry, I can't," he apologized awkwardly.

Georgina looked taken aback but shrugged as if his decline did not bother her. "You're still hooked on her, then?" she questioned, her eyes boring on Lily.

"Yep," James gave a weak smile.

Georgina sighed. "This is practically the hundredth time you've turned me down for her," she complained, "You do know she's going out with-"

"Derrick," James cut in. "Yeah."

Georgina gave him a sceptic look but took more interest in her drink, chugging the last drops and slapping it down on a passing elf's tray. Making a glimpse around the room, she focused her attention on a good looking Hufflepuff that passed them both and raised her eyebrows suggestively.

"You're off, then?" James assumed.

"Yeah," Georgina said, licking her lips at the light haired wizard. She held a hand to James' shoulder in departure. "Another time?"

"Don't get your hopes up," James said roguishly.

The girl pressed a hand to her chest and faked affront, "You may have Avada-kedavra-ed me with too many jokes tonight. See you later, James."

He rolled his eyes and expected her to leave but she glanced around in her exit, saying the warning words, "Watch him."

James coughed up some of his sherry and gave her a blank look. "Uh, what?"

"_Watch_ _him_," she warned again, then told him who she was referring to as her eyes landed on Derrick. James followed her gaze and furrowed his brow.

"What are you trying to say, Georgina?"

"Ravenclaws are darker than you think."

"But you're a Ravenclaw."

She smirked, "Exactly."

James watched her hip-swing away and hook her arm around the new wizard her eyes had latched onto earlier. He found those last words slightly haunting, and let his eyes glaze over as he contemplated her words.

"It's awful."

James jumped out of his skin, slightly tipping some of his drink on his shirt. "Sodding typical," he cursed. He instantly softened when he noticed Lily was leaning on the same wall he was against, in the same spot Georgina had been seconds ago.

"What's awful?" he replied. Glimpsing round the room to see where Derrick was, he spotted the blonde-haired boy chatting animatedly with a fellow Ravenclaw, completely diverted.

"The way the house elves are treated here," Lily continued sombrely. She declined a drink from a bowed elf and promptly told the creature to have a 'break.'

"What is this…'break', you speak of, miss?"

"You know," Lily said, her eyes wide and incomprehensible, "When you stop working for a short time?"

"Stop…working?"

Lily heaved a sigh, whilst James tried not to smile at the scene.

The more he was around her the more he was falling on love with her.

"I need to talk to you for a sec," James whispered in her ear.

Lily glimpsed around the room self-consciously. "I don't think this is the-" She broke off abruptly as James seized her hand and began dragging her in and out of the mingling Slug Club members, to the exit of the classroom.

"James, people are watching—James!" she hissed, feigning innocent smiles as she passed other students. She desperately glimpsed around the room to see if Derrick had seen them both, relieved when he was still immersed talking with students of his house.

"You have got to stop dragging me places," Lily told him the second they stepped into the empty corridor.

James took no time to fuss about, knowing he didn't have much time. "Lily, that ring…"

"What about it?" she questioned, baffled by his interest to it.

James started pacing unconsciously, whilst ruffling his hair making it stand on end. "I know it's going to sound completely ridiculous, but there's something creepy about it." His tone of voice was one of forewarning.

Lily watched his treading figure. "I don't understand."

James stopped his pacing and held on to her shoulders. "I mean, how did Derrick know we were earlier, on that floor, or even that corridor? Hogwarts isn't exactly small, is it," Lily remained silently bemused, "Tell me…tell me there haven't been situations where Derrick hasn't known where exactly you are, ever since you got that ring."

Lily felt her stomach squirming with dread. "Well, maybe a couple of times," she said, her voice barely audible, "But I don't see how-"

"Don't be so naive," James interjected, taking his hands off her shoulders in frustration. "Derrick's done something to that ring!"

Lily's jaw clenched. "Done what exactly?" she demanded. She already knew where this conversation was going and didn't like it one bit.

James massaged his head. "I don't know for sure," Lily snorted at this statement, "But he must have put some sort of tracking spell on it, so he knows _exactly_ where you are. So he can follow your _every_ _move_."

Lily hastily shook her head. "That's absurd. He'd…he'd never do anything like that."

"How do you know? You barely know him," he retorted.

"But it was merely by chance that he'd found me!" Lily said, though you could tell she was only trying to convince herself. "Just a coincidence-"

"Nothing is a coincidence in the Wizarding world, Lily! There are _no_ coincidences when there's magic."

His words hit her like a blow to the face and she couldn't help but feel this statement was partly true, but still she believed there had to be good in people. And there just had to be an ounce of goodness in Derrick.

"This is ridiculous," Lily stared him straight in the face, "You're just making up silly little stories so I'll dump Derrick and go out with you instead. I'm just a parcel everyone's handing around," she snapped.

James looked at her ruefully. "Lily, I'm trying to protect you. I care about you-"

"Then believe me," Lily cut in, pleading for him to stop this uproar, "Believe me when I say that I can judge a person's character well. And Derrick wouldn't do something like that."

"And _believe me_, there's something dodgy about that ring. Just take it off," he commanded, almost smiling. "Go on. Take it off your finger."

Lily stroked the silver band of the loop. "No," she mumbled.

"Why? Because you're afraid of what Derrick might do when he finds out its not there?"

Lily reddened in anger. "No, I'm keeping it on because I want to."

"Liar."

"You're the _last_ person to ridicule me on lying, James!"

He bit on his lip in regret. They were both red in the face and it was beginning to look like a fifth year 'you-make-me-sick' screaming match.

"I know there's something dodgy about that ring, Lily."

She looked him sourly in the face. "Then prove it."

"Derrick is guaranteed to come out of that door in barely seconds," James predicted, pointing a finger at Slughorn's classroom but keeping his eyes focused on Lily's.

She snorted. "No he-"

The door creaked open and Derrick slipped out, already looking irate before even spotting the two of them.

Lily took a shaken intake of breath, whilst James was pleased his suspicions of the ring were correct, though he still kept his mouth in a downwards position.

Lily tried to keep her composure and mimed to James, 'Another coincidence.'

James mimed back, 'There are none.'

"I think I've given you two long enough," Derrick said fiercely, looking fixedly at James. He forgot all polite yet snooty acts and let all his hate towards James stifle him. "I've seen you two together too many times for my liking."

Lily was worried how far Derrick's anger would go and clung to his side, trying to appease him. "Nothing's going on," she murmured.

Derrick pushed her arm roughly off him and cornered more on James, who predictably kept his stance with the usual pride and poise.

"I've been trying to subtly drop hints to you, _James_," Derrick spat, "But you obviously don't seem to be getting the message. Stay away from her."

James tightened his jaw. "She has a name, you know," he said ferociously, "She's not an object. She can do whatever she wants."

Derrick shot Lily a stern look. "Nothing's going on," she echoed again. She rubbed reassuringly at his arm as she tiptoed to murmur in his ear, "Nothing, I swear."

Derrick smirked as he watched James tense, the closer Lily moved in to him. Satisfied by James' jealousy, he told Lily, "Let's go back inside, dear."

He strode ahead, opening the door open for her, whilst the dull music from Slughorn's classroom filled up the tense atmosphere in the corridor.

"Oho! Derrick, m'boy! And Lily!" Slughorn's voice called from within. "Come back inside so I can introduce you to Matthew here. His uncle is rather famously known for-"

"We're coming, professor," Derrick interrupted in reassurance, not wanting to hear the boy's uncle's life story without a goblet of sherry in his hand. "Now, Lily," he pressed, waiting for her to move.

She looked down at her feet and began to walk inside.

"Lily," James touched her arm and she froze. "Lily, please, don't walk away from me. I'm begging you-"

Her eyes were getting glossy and she hated looking so weak. "I-"

"Don't let him fool you," Derrick cut in, glaring daggers at James. "He's still that same little boy," he jeered, "That same brat who ruffles his hair for attention and has charmed practically every girl in this school—"

"_Shut_ your _fucking_ mouth!" James bellowed. "You don't even know me!"

"Calm down, James-" Lily said. She was very aware that the music inside Slughorn's classroom had stopped and a few students were moving to pop out through the doorway.

"I don't know what she sees in you!" James carried on shouting. "You're a manipulative prick!"

Derrick did not like the attention they were getting - the wrong kind. "Stop mouthing off," he spat.

"Lily might do what you say but that's because she's too good of a person. But," James shook his head, simply livid, "Don't you dare tell me what to do. Don't you even _dare_."

James was unexpectedly pushed against the wall and Derrick stuck his wand dangerously into his neck. Gasps were heard from the Slug club invitees, but they didn't stop the fray and instead just merely watched, glad for some entertainment finally.

"Get off him, Derrick! _Derrick, stop it_." Lily tried pushing him back but he determinedly kept his wand pointing at James.

"Ah," James smiled quite insanely, "Too coward to fight with your actual hands, then?" Derrick dug the wand deeper and James' neck coloured red. "Magic isn't always the answer."

"I'd quit before you're ahead. Slytherins aren't the only ones who know Dark arts."

James exploded, mentioning using dark arts was the last draw for him. In swift motion, he shoved Derrick in the stomach who fumbled back in surprise, dropping his wand to the floor. With another great shove, James pushed Derrick backwards again and he fell on his back.

"Funny how the tables turn, isn't it, Derrick?" He pointed his own wand at the boy which he'd grabbed from his back trouser pocket.

Derrick scrambled for his wand and James kicked it away. An unusual sense of panic flickered in front of the Ravenclaw's eyes.

The Slug club members were on their edge of their seats, silently watching the two boy's next move, whilst heads turned to look where the professor was.

"Stop it," Lily ordered, standing between them. James tried to push her aside but she stood fixedly blocking his path. "If you hurt him I will _never_ forgive you," her voice quavered.

For as long as she lived, she never wanted to see a person hurt because of her existence.

He kept his wand raised.

"I mean it, James."

He lowered his wand instantly.

"Oho! Why is everyone looking outside?" Slughorn waded through the crowd. "You're missing my story about how me and the famous Muggle singer -Elifis I think his name was- met in Trafalgar square. You know, the place with the pigeons, m'boy," he explained as an uneducated student gave him a blank look, indicating his poor geographical skills. "Well, we had a cup of tea and then we went to Buckingham palace to meet the Muggle Queen and—oh, what's going on here? What are you doing on the floor, Derrick, m'boy?"

Knowing he was safe in the professor's presence, he got to his feet and dusted off his hands.

"That…" Derrick searched for the right insult, "That…_child_, attacked me."

James made no threats of movement. Lily had _warned_ him… But still he kept a frightful glare on Derrick and his spiky tresses.

The professor noticed the eye contact and oddly guessed what had happened. "Maybe you should go back to your tower, James, m'boy."

If he called him "m'boy" one more time, James would fling a dinner plate at his head. Why particularly a dinner plate, he did not know. Possibly because Slughorn was used to shovelling so much food in to his mouth from them at the dinner table.

"But, Professor," James gritted through his teeth. "I haven't finished your lovely party. Or my glass of sherry."

Slughorn clicked his fingers and an elf appeared at his side, whilst Lily scowled at how he was commanded at the sound. He handed a bottle of sherry to James from the elf's tray and warmly patted him on the back.

"On your way now…m'boy," Slughorn smiled.

He needed to leave. _Now_.

The Slug Club members headed back to the 'wild party', returning to the gentle swaying or the occasional head nod to the beat of the music.

"I'll be inside," Derrick said gruffly to Lily, storming back into the classroom. His tone of voice blatantly said, 'And you better be in there too within five seconds or I will be in such a hissy fit.'

James stood uncomfortably with the bottle of sherry in his arms, alone in the bare corridor with Lily.

"I-" He started.

"Your pigeon's cooing," she butted in.

She bowed her head, eyes shiny, and slipped back inside Slughorn's classroom.

James didn't know what he would have finished on that sentence of 'I', but a prickling feeling inside him knew it began with the letter 'l' and ended with the word 'you'.


	22. Frisky Sevvy and boob conversations

**Chapter 22**

"A midnight picnic in the moonlight. This is…wonderful. I'm absolutely…thrilled."

Snape didn't notice Remus' dry tone.

He sat with his knees tightly against his chest, ridged on the blanket Snape had laid out for them to sit on. They were sitting in the gloominess of Hogwarts grounds and Remus could distinctively feel blowing in his ear and thought it was either: the breeze, Sirius' and Peter's childish behaviour under the cloak, or Snape's twisted act of seducing.

Remus knew Sirius and Peter were watching invisibly - those hovering twigs and leaves looked mighty suspicious, and Remus remembered both boys having a fascination with throwing them up into the air like confetti.

"What I wouldn't give for a full moon night now…" Remus muttered, glaring at the crescent moon which tormented him from above.

Snape dug a hand into the picnic basket, which very much worried Remus about where it had come from and why it had a slight feminine design to it. "Sandwich?" he offered.

"Er…sure," Remus answered hesitantly, taking the grub. He found it tasted pleasant and guessed the house-elves must have made them because Snape didn't look like the person to excel in cuisine.

Remus started violently choking on bread as Snape had grabbed his thigh.

"Are you alright?" Snape smacked Remus' back multiple times, nearly threatening his wig to come off. "Do you want a drink?" he asked, digging up a bottle of what resembled juice from the picnic basket.

Remus nodded with watering eyes and grabbed the bottle, chugging down the drink. With a strong grimace, he recognized the drink to be alcohol of some kind.

"Is this…sherry?" Remus spurted, nibbling back on his sandwich whilst he tried to control his panicked state. "Are you trying to get me inebriated?"

Snape raised an eyebrow wickedly. "Maybe," he teased, replacing his hand back on to Remus' thigh.

Again, Remus started choking.

"Maybe you shouldn't eat," Snape suggested, taking the sandwich from Remus' hand.

Remus felt a pang of disappointment as that chicken sandwich had been quite delectable and could see it suddenly hover in the air and disappear within seconds, most undoubtedly eaten by the invisible Sirius.

"It's a little chilly," Remus said, rubbing the Goosebumps on his arm.

"This'll warm you up."

Snape started removing his robe.

"OH MERLIN!" Remus leapt from the blanket and backed away from the boy. "Why are you removing your clothes? I am NOT going to perform ANY sort of sexual relations with you!"

Snape put his hands in the air in defence as he remained on the ground, a look of amusement on his face. "Calm down, Rhianna. I was just going to offer you my robe."

Remus reddened. "Oh…" he said shamefully. "Well, since its a little cold now, maybe we should be getting ba-_aaaack_!" His sentence drawled into a scream as a swift kick to his buttocks, most probably by Sirius, booted him forwards. Remus practically flew in his heels, and before he knew it, he had landed on Snape's lap.

Snape asked huskily, "Comfy there?"

"AAAAARGH!"

He had not expected _that_ type of reaction.

A swift smack by Sirius to Remus' head made him focus.

"Sorry, I'm just so embarrassed," Remus said a high-pitched voice. He fluttered his eyelashes continuously and remained frozen on Snape's lap, unsure what limbs to move so settled with moving none.

Snape smirked and looked down at Remus, including down at his chest. He pulled up his cleavage before tissue was exposed.

"I take it you're one of those priggish girls, then?" Snape guessed.

Remus shivered. "Yes. I feel so unclean…" he trailed off. His eyes' bulged as he felt sudden movement in Snape's lap. "Something appears to be elevating near your groin area—maybe I should be standing now!"

Remus managed to scramble off Snape's lap and stood again, dusting his knees and bottom. "I'd like to go back to the castle now," he announced, folding his arms in displeasure.

Snape looked sullen. "Are you quite sure?"

Remus made a breath of indignation as Sirius and Peter double-stomped on his feet - clearly Snape being disappointed was not part of The Plan.

"Um…" Remus fumbled, preparing himself for what he was about to say next, "We could, er, continue this tomorrow. _Preferably in daylight_."

"Really? Tomorrow?" Snape said hopefully.

Remus tried to disguise the wince on his face into a tired yawn from such a 'passionate' night with Snape. "Er…sure. I promise."

Monsieur Lupin always kept promises, but he knew he wouldn't be keeping this one. He would spend the entire day of tomorrow hiding in the library. That's what he needed. _Books_. Comfort in _books_. _Books_ were his friends. _His only friends_. They didn't give you bloody Polyjuice potion to turn you into one of your best friends and become a transvestite.

Within minutes, the blanket and picnic basket were packed away and Remus and Snape were walking one of the bare corridors of Hogwarts castle.

"Rhiana, must you walk so for away from me?"

Grudgingly moments before Remus had accepted to hold Snape's hand but it was clear he did not take pleasure in any type of physical contact. Their hands were holding at arm's length and nearly at shoulder height, where Remus seemed to be sliding against one of the corridor walls.

Snape stopped, looking hurt. "You do enjoy my company…don't you?"

Remus was getting rather tired of reassuring his 'feelings' for Snape. "Yes," Remus comforted him, "I was merely just admiring the corridor walls. Aren't they, er, decorative?"

"Watch where you're sliding against, mister!" A painting complained.

Snape tugged Remus forward and he reluctantly walked closer towards him.

Rhiana felt yet another pinch to his bottom for the third time that night.

Remus tried to disguise his disgruntled self with a shrill laugh. "Severus, please," he gritted through his teeth, "Do behave yourself."

Snape gave him a blank look as they continued to walk in the corridor. "What?"

Remus flushed, trying to hide behind his long ebony hair. "You just pinched…my bottom," he said with much discomfort.

"No, I didn't," Snape replied, genuinely oblivious.

Remus whirled around, looking for any signs of his invisible friends. "Sirius!" he hissed. Another pat to the bottom and he nearly exploded.

"Rhiana, are you okay?"

"Yes, yes, I'm fine," Remus reassured him distractedly. "Let's just get moving, shall we." He quickened his steps back to the Gryffindor Tower, practically dragging Snape behind him.

Remus breathed a sigh of relief once the Portrait of the Fat Lady came into view. The Fat Lady gave him a raised eyebrow at his particular company and Remus replied with a growl.

"Well," he focused back on Snape, "I must be getting some shut-eye. Thanks for a jolly evening." He turned quickly back to the portrait, ready to say the password.

"You're sleeping in the Gryffindor Tower?" Snape said, with certain dislike. "You know, with the company you have in there, you could always sleep in my dormitory," he suggested again.

What was with this boy and his suggestions of sleeping in his dormitory?

"Sorry, my bed's been set up and everything," Remus said. He pouted out his lips seductively as Sirius had told him, which was one of the 'alluring' habits of women. "It's too late to rearrange. Sorry to disappoint you. Well, I must dash-"

"Ugh, I could never sleep in the same room with Gryffindor scum," Snape spat, interrupting his departure.

Remus gnashed his teeth. "I'm sure I'll manage, Severus-"

"Call me Sevvy," Snape cut in, undressing Remus with his eyes.

Se…sev….sevvy? _Sev-vy?_

"Okay," Remus squeaked, unsure what to comment on that particular nickname. "Well, er, goodnight…Sevvy?"

Again, he focused back on the Portrait of the Fat Lady who was watching the scene with amusement and making an adorable 'aaaaaw' sound at the mention of pet names. "The password-" he started.

"Wait," Snape interrupted. "Aren't I going to get a goodnight kiss?"

Remus paled the whitest of whites. "K-k-k-k-k…" He couldn't even complete the word. He tried again, "K-k-k-k…"

Before Remus could try for the third time to finish the word, Snape latched his lips on to his and pushed him against the Portrait.

"Oi, watch what you're going!" The Fat Lady complained.

"Gnuuuffgg," Remus scrambled to say, trying to push Snape off him. His mouth was slimy and desperate to get attention and Remus felt it was possible to die of bad breath. "_Gnuuuffgg_!" he tried again to wrestle Snape off with a forceful hand to his forehead.

"PEPPERMINT CREAMS!" Remus shouted the password to the Fat Lady, the second he managed to gasp a breath of air as Snape dislodged off him. Unfortunately Snape leaned in for a second go. "PEPPERMINT CREAMS, DAMN IT!"

"Alright, alright!" The Fat Lady huffed. "Hold your horses!"

The second the doorway opened a millimetre, Remus scrambled for the gap and quickly shot in, yelling a departing, "NIGHT SEVVY!"

Finding safety in the sanctuary of the Gryffindor Tower, Remus leaned against the doorway on the other side of the Portrait and massaged his head. He stumbled forward as the portrait opened again and an invisible twosome slipped inside.

The cloak was whirled off and Sirius and Peter stood before Remus with rather horrified faces.

"Gavommiting…" Peter mumbled. He had to physically hold on to his neck to control his bowel movements.

Sirius self-consciously fiddled with the buttons on his shirt and realised that there was one missing in the middle of his chest. "Jesus, how long has that been like that for?" he laughed. "God knows how many people I've flashed with my godly torso."

Remus was simply incompressible, gaping as he hadn't heard his never-ending apology from Sirius for being such a bad friend.

"Oh," Sirius realized and cringed. He followed Remus who had slumped into a common room chair by the fire and appeared to be pointing his wand at his mouth. Before Sirius could ask if he was going to kill himself with an 'Avada Kedavra', Remus casted "Scrougify" and his mouth erupted with pink bubbles.

"Moony!" Sirius grabbed his wand and made the soap disappear. "You shouldn't do that. I think its poisonous or something."

"Didn't you do that spell to Snape last year?" Peter reminded him.

"Well, Snape's just a guinea pig," Sirius snorted, "If something goes wrong and he dies, or whatever, we can always get a new one and replace him. It's like your mother replacing the family pet!"

Remus was boggled by his odd theories.

"So, who would replace Snape?" Peter asked, poising a hand to his chin.

"Derrick," Sirius answered simply.

"And who would replace Derrick?"

"That boy with the glass eye. Or Michael."

Peter held a puzzled expression. "Michael?"

"The boy living under your bed, Pete. Jeez, keep up, Wormtail."

"WHERE ARE MY REQUESTS FOR FORGIVNESS?" Remus wailed, considering whether to melt a limb off in the common room fire after his experience with Snape. "WHERE? WHERE ARE THEY?"

Sirius rubbed his back and tried to soothe him. "Sorry I put you through that, papoose. I am truly sorry…Although, that chicken sandwich was _divine_-"

Remus smacked Sirius in the arm.

"_Ow_! But it was!" Sirius protested, rubbing his arm. "Anyway, Snape's moves tonight…pitiful, just pitiful," he commented. "I mean, trying to get a full on snog on the first date –if you could even call it that- just pathetic."

Peter formed yet another puzzled expression. "But you always get a snog on the first date. That's what you always tell us to get saliva exchanging with a girl as quickly as possible-"

Sirius interrupted with a scoff. "I have _never_ said that. You're talking out of your arse."

Remus shook his head. "I remember the exact words you tell us before a first date. I quote: 'always get a snog in there, even if she's ugly as a Niffler's bum'." He continued his mouth. "_His_ germs…Germs _everywhere_…Micro organisms…_Filth_…_disease_…"

"Nifflers bum? Did I really say 'bum'?" Sirius asked and Peter confirmed with a nod. "Wow, that's quite embarrassing…Moony, stop muttering under your breath. You're disturbing my line of concentration."

Remus was about to retort with, 'Do you _even_ have a line of concentration?' But the portrait had opened and the boys focused on James who stepped inside the common room with a bottle of sherry.

"Where'd you get that?" Peter asked in awe, indicating to the alcohol under James' arm, ignoring the owl poop on his trousers.

"Slughorn," James mumbled. He collapsed on what he thought was empty seat in front of the fire.

"Oi, mork! You're sitting on me!" Sirius complained, pushing James off onto the common room floor. "You smell like sleaziness. Like…Slughorn," he compared.

"You smell like sobriety," James wagged a finger at him. "And…chicken sandwich?"

"Compliments of Snape."

James decided not to elaborate and searched around the room for Remus. "Moony? Oi, where's Moony?" He finally took notice of the ebony haired Rhiana sitting on the couch and squinted. "Do I know you from somewhere?" He looked him up and down, turquoise dress rather bright - the light reflected off his glasses and blinded Sirius in the eye.

"Why am I still wearing these things?" Remus asked in disbelief, ripping the wig from his head.

"AAAARGH!"

"Christ, Prongs!" Sirius yelled. "It's just Moony!"

"Oh…right, the Polyjuice potion," James rubbed his sore head, "Can never get used to seeing myself multiple times." He gave Remus another look over. "I'm not going to ask what you've been up to, fruitcake." He took another swig of his sherry, abandoning polite manners of drinking from a glass or offering it to his friends.

Remus swung one of his legs over the other, then realised how feminine this looked in his dress and replaced both feet to the ground, opening his legs out as far as possible, as masculine as possible. "So Slughorn gave you sherry?" he said in a tone that was highly unconvinced.

"He just spotted you in the corridor and was like, 'Hey! You! Sherry! Drink! Get _rat_-arsed!'" Peter finished his pretty poor impression of Slughorn and individually looked at his friends in turn, trying to hide back his giggling at the words he used.

"Yes, Peter, we know you just used the word 'rat arsed' to describe someone who is drunk, which coincidentally is your animagus form. Round of applause, if you will," Sirius started slowly clapping and James joined in very sloppily.

Remus did not join in because he was not in the mood, so Sirius had to physically grab his hands and clap them together, which, of course, led to Remus' murdering hiss of, "If you don't let go of my hands right this second, I will bite you and turn you into werewolf and then tomorrow put silver in your breakfast."

"How was the Slughorn par-tay, then?" Sirius asked eventually.

James grimaced. "If you ever say 'par-tay' in public I will be forced to talk over you."

"He already does that," Peter mentioned.

Remus' eyes widened at the mention of a Slughorn Party. "Party? There was one tonight? Oh no," he cursed, looking genuinely upset that he'd missed it, "Poppyscotch!"

"Isn't it 'hopscotch'?"

"No, that's the squares those Muggles skip in and out of," Peter corrected.

Sirius barked a laugh. "How do those Muggles cope without magic? Nutty, the lot of them. Ooo, did you get those pumpkin pastries I asked for? Did you?" he asked suddenly, elbowing James. "Did you?"

James put his hands in the air, "Alright, don't have a hard on!" He managed to stand in an upright position and balanced the bottle of sherry on top of Peter's head which made a pretty dependable drink coaster.

"SODDING PIGEON!"

James sucked on the unlucky finger which was now bleeding after it had ventured into the unlucky pocket of Herpes. He had planned to search for Sirius' pumpkin pastries, but took the left pocket which earned him a ferocious bite from the pigeon. "You little bugger!" He exclaimed fully at the rustling mound in his pocket.

Sirius raised an eyebrow roguishly, "Is that a banana in your pocket or-"

"Jesus, is that the only joke people know these days?" James complained. He howled again as Herpes had managed to discover James' skin under his trousers and was now pecking holes through the material. "You son of a—OW! Herpes! HERPES, WHY DO YOU PAIN ME SO?"

"Well, I heard herpes can to do that to you-"

"Wormtail, I think he's referring to his pet," Remus sighed.

"Oh…that makes sense."

"SON OF A—AAARGH! Watch where you're pecking that beak!" James hunched his legs together, Herpes unfortunately stretching close to pecking his crotch area inside the pocket. "Here, Padfoot," He tossed a few mashed up pumpkin pastries from the other pocket.

"You're right, Muh-hoony," Sirius congratulated Remus as he chewed openly. "They're effing fantastic."

Remus watched Herpes wrestle inside James' pocket with agonising stamina. "James, maybe you should just let her fly around for a while. Give her some fresh air or she might asphyxiate from the fumes."

James raised an eyebrow. "What exactly are you implying, Moony?" He cursed as Herpes got a lucky shot of his crotch. "I'm going to have to let her out," he gave in.

Sirius choked on one of his pumpkin pastries. "Hey, wait a sec. I'm not exactly on friendly terms with Herpes," he said in between chomping.

"I don't think anyone's in friendly terms when they have herpes."

"Again, Wormtail, he's referring to the pet."

James was clearly in too much pain to think anything through, quickly unzipping his trouser pocket and grabbing the pigeon by the wings. The second the pigeon was released from his hand, it took flight and immediately clamped on to-

"MY FACE!"

Sirius had not been prepared for a pigeon attack as his hands were full of pumpkin pastries. "WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THIS BIRD?" He screamed, though it was muffled, trying to pull Herpes off. His three friends watched, motionless, as Sirius swivelled round in all directions, partially blind, until he backed up too far into an empty armchair and toppled over it.

"I don't know how you manage to enjoy yourself at The Slug's parties, Moony. They're so drab," James talked over Sirius' high-pitched, horror-movie type shrieks. "I could understand you going for the company, but the only interesting people there are Lily, and she's my future wife so you can't hit on her or I'll smother you with an extra large pillow, and Hot Georgina. But Hot Georgina intimidates you."

"Hot Georgina was there?" Sirius said, managing to unhinge Herpes off his face and fling the pigeon against a wall.

"Padfoot!" James yelled. "I have to use her to send letters, you know! Plus I don't want to get bloody P.P on my arse."

"Pee pee?" Peter echoed.

James sighed, "Pigeon Protection. You know, that group of third year girls who protest bird rights. The one who think it's immorally wrong for the owls to send post?"

"_Oh_, the crazy animal right girls," Sirius remembered, "Gotta admire their psychosis."

James sighed again, kicking the empty sherry bottle with his foot. "I think I'm going to bed," he yawned, "I'll see you guys in the morning."

"Hey, wait. Aren't you going to tell us what happened with Lily?"

"Tomorrow, Padfoot," James said, ambling his way towards the common room stairs.

"I think I'm going to call it a night too," Peter said, also joining James up the staircase.

James glanced around to look at Sirius and Remus and mimed, 'Any excuse to see me change in to my PJ's', then waved them goodnight.

Remus kicked off his high heels and rubbed the soles of his feet. "Something happened with Lily?" he said, once out of James' hearing.

"When are there not things happening between James and Lily," Sirius retorted. He strolled over to Herpes who was lying against the wall she'd been flung at and put her in his hand, trying to nudge her awake.

"You didn't kill another pet, did you?"

"Don't bring up Snowy the owl again."

Sirius opened Herpes' beak and tried putting pumpkin pastries crumbs into her mouth, as if it would revive her.

"I wouldn't advise you to do that. You might block up her windpipe—_Sirius_!_ Don't do that_!"

"Pigeons legs are really stretchy," Sirius noted, pulling on one of Herpes' feet.

Remus snatched Herpes away from him. "I'll take care of the pigeon."

Sirius grinned, "Works every time…" he muttered.

"I'm so glad this night is over. I can't take another day of Snape," Remus started emptying the tissue from under his dress, "I'll be glad to be back in my own body."

"I haven't told you the full details of The Plan, have I?" Sirius said with dread.

A deadly look from Remus confirmed that he didn't.

Sirius fiddled with the gap in his shirt, due to the lack of buttons. "Well, er, the potion is strong enough to last the whole of tomorrow-"

"_TOMORROW! ARE _YOU _INSANE?_"

Sirius wiped the spit off his face from the shouting outburst. "Moony, you're tightening a little hard on Herpes there," he mentioned.

Remus glanced down and realised his fists were clenching so hard that he was squeezing on the pigeon who'd turned blue.

"All you have to do is keep softening him up tomorrow," Sirius explained. "You know, buy him some breakfast-"

Remus cut in, "Buy?"

"Oh, right, Hogwarts free food…well, just have breakfast with him, then. Feed each other, you know, stuff like that." Remus paled at the thought of feeding Sevvy pancakes. "Then later, the final part of the plan can commence…" Sirius rubbed his hands together in a sinister way and his mouth curled upwards very sadistically.

"What exactly is the 'final part of the plan'? No, wait. Let me guess: you aren't going to tell me, are you?"

"Don't you like the element of surprise, Muh-hoony?"

"I'm a werewolf. I like scheduled plans," Remus whined, "Hence, turning into a werewolf every month. It's _programmed_. _I do not like surprises_."

"Okay, no surprise birthday parts for you then. Dully-" Sirius patted him on the shoulder "-noted."

"You really aggravate me," Remus declared. "I'm going to bed." He started mumbling the Greek Alphabet to calm himself as he walked over to the common room stairs for bed time.

Sirius winced; maybe he'd gone too far with this Rhiana thing.

"Hey," Sirius glanced down at his shirt and discovered all buttons in place, no gaps or showings of his 'godly torso.'

"Thanks for fixing my shirt, Moony."

Remus glanced back, rolling his eyes. "Don't mention it, Padfoot."

A friend does something good for you then spends the entire day boasting about how thoughtful they are, expecting something in return.

A true friend replaces a button on your shirt when you're not looking.

-----------

The next morning, James fanned his mouth from the hot porridge he'd just consumed too quickly. Of course, fanning doesn't actually work but it's nice to think you're trying to do something to prevent your mouth burning.

"I don't get it," Peter said.

Sirius took more of a direct approach. "Why the hell are you talking about jewellery? I mean, how gay is that?" He gave no time for an answer. "Super gay, that's how gay it is. Wormtail, how gay is it?"

"Super gay."

James continued to fan his mouth. "For the _last_ _time_," he huffed, "I am not talking about jewellery in _general_. See, this is the kind of conversation we have when the intellectual one isn't here. Where's Moony?" he demanded.

"Rhiana's having breakfast with Sevvy," Sirius said, rather derisively.

James did not recognise either name, so Peter had to point a finger at the Slytherin Table where Remus sat intimately with Snape.

"They make the quite the couple," Peter recognized.

Sevvy appeared to be feeding Rhiana pancakes.

"Okaaay…" James took his gaze off them to question Sirius. "Sevvy? That probably has something to do with whatever you guys did last night, which I don't want to know," he said pointedly, stopping Sirius before he went into elaborate detail. "As I was saying, Derrick got Lily a ring."

Sirius snorted into his pumpkin juice. "A ring? What are they, married or something?"

"I know," James groaned. "But it's a _dodgy_ ring," he emphasised.

Peter perked with interest. "Dodgy? Do you mean it's one of those tacky rings you get from those crappy Christmas crackers?"

"No, Pete, he means dodgy as in Knockturn-Alley-dodgy."

"I wouldn't be surprised if he got it from there," James muttered resentfully. "I think there's some sort of charm on it. Some spell so he knows wherever Lily goes. Like a tracker."

Sirius snickered, "Sounds like something you'd do."

"Shut up, wanker."

"Oi, only Evans calls me that. Talk of the devil, there's m'lady. Oh, and Lily too," Sirius acknowledged, making a wave.

James followed his gaze to the holding-hands couple, still feeling the same resentment as usual whenever they made an appearance together. But this time, something was different.

"Why is Derrick walking funny?" James asked, examining his peculiar toddle.

Peter titled his head from let to right, as if this would give him a better view. "He's walking like a penguin."

"Actually," James took in all Derrick's appearance as he sat at the Ravenclaw table whilst Lily was joined next to him, "He looks pretty much ill all together."

James noted that Derrick looked a ghastly pale whilst he held a permanently constipated face.

"Is he dying?" James asked, not an ounce of compassion his face. "Do his relatives know? Should I send them a 'congratulations' card?"

He scratched his chin, watching Derrick's agitated state, noting the blonde decline a glass of water with a furious push.

"You guys did something," James stated, not even having to look at Sirius and Peter to know they were the culprits of Derrick's odd behaviour.

Sirius grumbled and smacked Peter's arm for giving them away. "It was your fault, Wormtail. You look to bloody pleased with yourself, like you just had a wank or something."

Peter uncovered his hands from under the table and whistled a merry tune.

"What did you do to him, then?" James pressed.

Sirius exhaled noisily. "Do I have to recite the list?"

James took a moment to register his words. "List..?"

Sirius smiled wickedly, perching his feet upon the breakfast table which caused plates to clatter and jugs tip. Remus' eye twitched, as if he _needed_ to tell Sirius that it was bad manners but couldn't as he was occupied with Sevvy's Fork of Love being stuffed into his mouth every few seconds.

"Where shall I start?"

Peter giggled, trying to keep himself under control. "The bowl, Sirius! Of water…Wet…himself…" he trailed off into loud snorts which made his speech unrecognisable to understand.

"Oh," Sirius said, looking uninterested, "Peter thought it'd be 'hilarious' to do the old classic Put-his-fingers-into-a-bowl-of-water-so-when-he-wakes-up-he's-wet-himself gag."

James looked mildly amused. "That would explain why he's refusing to drink this morning."

"Mine are _much_ more amusing," Sirius spoke haughtily, "But they seem to be on a theme of red hot pepper juice…and ketchup."

James instinctively pushed his breakfast away from him. "Both red and the colour of blood," he recognized. "Carry on."

"Well, first," Sirius opened a finger from his fist, "We smothered red hot pepper juice on the door handles of his dormitory. Twonk here," he pointed to Peter who cringed, "Forgot to wash his hands after."

James looked over to Derrick who at that precise moment was rubbing furiously at his streaming eyes.

"I see the rest of his dorm were also victims," James said, glancing at a few other sixth year boys who were massaging their eyelids, and one boy even screaming with pain.

"Never liked Ravenclaws anyway. Then," Sirius opened a second finger, "We unravelled a few feet of toilet roll in the prefect bathrooms and covered them in-"

"Red hot pepper juice," James finished, trying not to gag. "Padfoot, that is _rank_."

Peter winced. "Not to mention we got a few innocent prefects."

"Better warn Lily later…" James muttered.

Sirius shushed James excitedly. "It gets better, Prongs!"

James put his head in his hands. "Is it more toilet humour?"

Sirius nodded and James gave an exaggerated groan. "What? C'mon, toilet pranks are funny! So, you know those little packets of ketchup you can get?"

James didn't like where this was heading. "Sure," he humoured him.

"Well, we got a load of those and put holes in them with pins," Peter explained.

James found himself breathing easily, thinking the prank sounded harmless enough so far.

"Then we went into the prefect's bathroom-"

"Oh _God_," James said suddenly, the word 'harmless' flying out the window.

"And we put them under toilet seats! So when they went to sit down –hehehe- the ketchup would spurt so it looked like-," Sirius wiped the tears from his eyes, "Their butt was bleeding, or their rectum had exploded!"

Sirius erupted into 'HAR HAR's whilst Peter formed unflattering pig snorts.

"Oh my God..._Oh my God_!" James shivered, purely disgusted. "What is _wrong_ with you two? I'm never going to be able to have ketchup _ever again_!"

Sirius snickered. "Rectum…"

James stood up from his seat. "I've lost my appetite," he announced. "Let's go to the library."

Sirius choked on his morning bagel. "Wait, you lost your appetite…so you _want_ to go to the _library_?" He gave James an odd look and continued chewing openly on his breakfast. "Thank Merlin I've _never_ lost _my_ appetite."

"No, numbskull, we've got a free period so we might as well go to the library and find some better pranks for Derrick."

"_Better_ pranks?" Peter questioned, indisputably hurt.

"Prongsie," Sirius gasped, "What are you implying?"

"Move your butts before I keg you."

In swift movement, Sirius and Peer abandoned their food and stood to their feet.

"What about Remus?" Peter asked.

Sirius shrugged, "He'll be fine."

---------

"Here comes the choo-choo train! Open wide, Rhiana!"

Remus did not like to be patronized. People were looking. _Lots of people were looking_. He did not like any attention on him and the fact that Severus Snape was cutting up his breakfast and feeding it into his mouth was not helping the _looking-at-him_ atmosphere.

"Come on, Rhiana, muffin."

Remus reluctantly opened his lips apart, nearly choking as Snape rammed a fork of pancakes into his gob.

Suddenly, out of the corner of his eye he saw his three friends get up from the table, leaving the Great hall.

Quickly, Remus swallowed the remains of his pancakes. "Sevvy, I just remembered," he stood to his feet and pushed down his skirt, which he was particularly bitter about as it was apparently required as part of the uniform, "I, er, have to go post a letter."

Snape's face fell with disappointment. "But you haven't finished breakfast. Do you want me to come with you?-"

"Oh, no, no, no, _no_," Remus quickly cut in, shaking his head which made his black wig nearly fall off his head. He quickly rearranged the fake hair disguising the action as a head scratch. "I'd like my privacy. And, er, I have to send a letter to, uh, my parents…to explain why I ran away and…my, um, declaration of love to you…?"

Snape looked satisfied with his excuse. "I'll see you later, then?"

"Negeuh," Remus mumbled unrecognisably, letting Snape kiss his hand in departure.

With some staggering in grossly high shoes, Remus managed to catch up to the rest of the Marauders the second they made it out of the oak doors and away from the hall of chatty breakfasters.

"I told you, Padfoot: no more red hot pepper juice and ketchup!"

"What about laxatives? I've got this great idea where we­­­­­—what the…Moony!" Sirius jumped as Remus' hand latched onto his shoulder, whilst he tried to get his breath back. "You're supposed to be with Snivelly!"

"I _cannot_," Remus took a deep breath, "handle any more of Sevvy—I mean, Snape! Snape, is what I said!" He shook his body to get himself together. "I'm going wherever you guys are going, even if it's the broom closet or…or even Myrtle's bathroom, or, or-"

"We're going to the library," Peter mentioned.

"Oh thank God!" Remus rejoiced, raising his hands to the ceiling.

------------

Yet again, the four boys had managed to fit under the invisibility cloak so they could freely look over the banned books of the forbidden section of the library. Even after Peter had quite a large breakfast, so much he was starting to get a pop belly.

"We should have done this after hours," James cursed, peeking behind a bookshelf to look at the edgy librarian.

"Prongs, stop moving left! _I_ want to move right!" Sirius complained, tugging the cloak. "Besides, it's better we look in daylight. I don't want a repeat performance of Madam Pom Poms and the accidental boob grabbing." He shuddered inwardly and outwardly.

"_Yeah_…" James tried to reach for a book whilst keeping the cloak covering visible body parts. "You say 'accidental', though you really mean-"

"_Accidental_," Sirius hissed fiercely with a judder.

"No worries about the librarian. She has no boobe," Peter spoke matter-of-factly, sneezing due to book dust. The librarian glanced over but thought nothing of it. Books sneezed regularly, right?

Remus was the only one to give him an absurd look. "You've been looking? And can't you just say 'flat-chested'? It's more humane and polite."

Sirius gestured to quieten their voices. "I think she's so flat-chested her breasts grow inwards."

Remus rubbed the bridge of his nose. "Not. Possible."

"What are you, a breasts expert?" Sirius whispered. "At least I've seen some! Unlike you…you haven't seen any, have you?" he checked to make sure.

"N-" Remus began.

"HAR!" Sirius yelled, wincing at how much his voice echoed. "I mean," he lowered his voice to a murmur, "Haaaar."

Remus rolled his eyes, glancing over the book of potions he was scanning. "I, unlike you, am not a peeping tom."

"I'm not Tom, I'm Sirius."

"Oh, help me God; please say that was a joke."

Sirius grinned. "Just playing with your mind."

"I've seen Evans' but only for a second though," James mentioned. He flicked through a book that didn't catch his attention as it had no pictures, and visual aids were clearly a must. "I sneaked into the perfects bathroom and she was in the bath and it was steamy and I made a choking sound and she heard it…"

"I've seen one!" Peter suddenly revealed.

"One? You mean singly?" Sirius whispered.

Peter nodded. "Jennifer Willis'. Remember that day in fourth year when she forgot to wear a bra? I saw one nipple but her hair was covering the other," he spoke as if the seeing it was a great accomplishment.

"She didn't forget," Sirius argued, "She was just a tart."

"Can we _puh-lease_," Remus was so aggravated that he had resorted to putting a 'h' into a word that did not grammatically need it, "Stop talking about boobies! I mean, breasts!" He cursed himself for adopting Sirius' language. Whereas Sirius was wondering whether it was wrong for him to remember Jennifer Willis' single breast yet _not_ remember her face.

"Okay, now I'm pissed off." James slammed yet another dusty book on the shelf. "I can't find any bloody books on that stupid tracker ring."

"I didn't know we were in here to find information about Lily's ring," Peter said.

"We're not. I just got distracted," James admitted. "Any of you guys find anything to do to Derrick?"

Sirius and Peter made grim shakes of the head; however, Remus looked hesitant to answer.

"Moony?" James pressed.

Remus chewed on his tongue.

"Moony, it's too late to even lie now. You should have just shaken your head when Pad and Wormtail did."

"Bugger," Remus cursed. James gave him an inclining nod to explain what he'd found. "Fine," he gave in, opening up the potions book for the boys to crowd over and look at. "It's not a spell, though. It's a potion."

James automatically grunted. "If it shows any resemblance to Polyjuice potion, then it's a no-no."

Sirius pulled the book so it was closer for him to peek at. "What's it called?"

Remus pulled the book back, showing signs of possessiveness when it comes to books. "It's got a rather complicated Latin name."

"_Laaaatin_." Sirius groaned and made an audible snore. "Dumb the name down for us, please?"

"It has the opposite affects of a Felix Felicis potion. So…you could call it a…Un-Felix Felicis potion, I suppose." Remus shrugged.

Sirius clicked his fingers in recalling. "Felix Felicis potion…where have I heard that before?"

"Possibly in _Potions_ considering it's a _potion_, Padfoot. Jesus…" James muttered.

"Hey, didn't The Slug give us that challenge _thing_ where we had to make some Death Draught _thing_ and the prize was that Felix _thing_?" Peter asked.

James slightly zoned out at the mention of 'thing' too many times in one sentence. "Wait…I remember! And Lily won the potion." He went off into a sappy smile.

"Well of course you remember if Lily was involved." Sirius rolled his eyes. "Remind me, what are the effects of a Felix Felicis potion?"

"It's basically liquid luck," Remus simplified. "So the 'Un-Felix Felicis' potion would have the opposite effects, it being-"

"Liquid bad luck?" Peter guessed.

Remus nodded, looking pleased that he'd taught Peter something today. "Exactly, Wormtail. _Ten points to Gryffindor_! ...I'm sorry; I have no idea why I just said that." He flushed. "I just suddenly felt like a teacher…"

"How do we make this, er, Un-Felix Felicis potion then, eh?" James pressed eagerly.

Remus traced a finger over the information on the page. "According to this, all you need to do is add a certain ingredient to a Felix Felicis potion. Which we _don't_ have," he pointed out, "So let's just forget this whole idea." He shut the book with a snap and managed to clamp Sirius' nosey nose in between the pages. He was feeling criminally immoral for putting bad ideas in James' head.

"Oh, no, no, _no_." James wagged a finger and opened up the book, trying to find the page Remus had been on. "You suggested this idea so we _have_ to do it now. Besides, I'm sure Slughorn keeps a stash of Felix Felicis in his classroom. With Sirius' knife and the invisibility cloak, we'd be able to sneak into his classroom and find it less than five minutes," he boasted.

"I think you're giving us too much credit, Prongsie," Sirius said.

"Fine. Ten minutes, then."


	23. JKR likes writing snogging, and so do I

**Chapter 23**

"What the _hell!_" Derrick cursed as the entire contents of his bag spilled across the floor. He examined it and found it had been split open at the bottom.

Bad luck had happened to him ever since dinner after he had reluctantly sipped some orange juice which felt oddly sour than usual.

He bent down, picking up his belongings. A group of second years in his corridor giggled at the sight of a pair of thongs on the floor.

"They're not mine," Derrick said, genuinely oblivious about the underwear. "For a start, I hate the colour pink--I mean, I don't wear them altogether!" He kicked the underwear away and shot the chortling girls a glare.

"I've had bloody bad luck all day," he complained to himself. "First, getting that buggering sensation in my eye and the other burning sensation up my… well, there was something dodgy about that toilet roll. Then I thought my rectum had exploded because of that blood… but Madam Pomfrey said there was nothing wrong…"

He bent down again to pick up his Charms book, when he heard a loud ripping sound.

"Uh oh."

Slowly feeling his backside, he discovered his trousers had ripped at the bottom and were now exposing his Ravenclaw boxers.

"Wand! _Must find wand!_" he hissed, searching in pockets. If he had his wand, maybe he could prize the last of his dignity and fix his trousers.

His wand was gone.

It appeared the corridor was filling up with more students.

He quickly shoved the Charms book in his bag, not caring he was flashing many passing students with his underwear. He glimpsed at the floor, checking he'd picked up everything, and spotted his one and only quill rolling across the floor.

Unfortunately, all his other quills had broken that day. That had been rather unlucky.

"Damn it!" He chased after it, attempting to keep a hand on his bottom to cover his showing undergarments. Winding through the snickering students, he tried to snatch for the quill but it only seemed to gain more speed.

"What the hell is going on!" Derrick cried. "No, no! _Crap!_" He watched the quill spin until it came to a staircase and was now rolling down it. Still determined, he kept a hand firmly covering his bottom and chased the quill down the steps.

He fell in the process.

"AAARGH!"

Staircases did not make comfortable slides.

Derrick whimpered, spread out like a starfish at the bottom of the steps. "Help... someone help me…"

His body was numb but he somehow felt pain at the same time - a lovely combination. He watched fellow students completely ignore his presence at the bottom of the staircase, climbing up the steps with ease. He siezed a passing trouser leg but it belonged to a furious girl who cried 'Pervert!' and kicked him in the gonads.

"AAARGH!"

Someone had mistaken Derrick for a rug.

---------------

Remus did not understand why Sirius was dragging him there with so much urgency, all he knew was that their destination was the Room of Requirement.

"I don't like going in there," Remus said tensely. "It's very unnerving how the room moulds itself to your needs, as if it is _alive_."

"You overanalyze too much," Sirius stated.

The two stopped in their tracks once they got to the seventh floor opposite the tapestry of the Barnabus the Barmy. Grudgingly, Remus followed Sirius' pacing in his high heel shoes, up and down the small stretch of wall three times until a new door appeared.

"How does going in there get back at Snape?" Remus gestured to the room, pulling at black strands of his wig.

"I'll tell you inside, Moony," Sirius insisted, opening the door and stuffing him inside.

The moment they stepped in the room, they were met with a gigantic, luxurious bed with walls covered in… mirrors?

Remus had to hold onto a mirror-covered wall to stable him from his hyperventilating. "What on earth was going though your mind when you were concentrating what you needed?" he questioned, shooting Sirius a horrified look.

Sirius didn't look so abashed and was admiring the room's decor. "Bit tackier than I expected…" He finally realised Remus had asked him something. "Oh, they're just props, Moony."

"PROPS FOR WHAT?"

Sirius rung out his ear and shot him a tired look. Not answering the question, he pulled out the Marauders Map from his trouser pocket and opened up the flaps on the parchment until he found the seventh corridor they were on. He followed Snape's moving dot. "He's on his way here."

"Snape?" Remus cried, biting on his fingernails in agitation. "How does he know we're in here?"

"I sent him a note from you saying that you would meet him in here."

"What? _Why?_ Didn't we come in here to hide from him?"

Sirius snorted, then much to Remus' wailing, whipped off his school robe and pulled his shirt over his head.

Remus averted his gaze from Sirius' pecks. "WHY DID YOU SUDDENLY REMOVE CLOTHING? WHY? _WHY_?"

"It makes it look more realistic," Sirius explained, and Remus had no idea _what_ exactly was going to come across as 'more realistic', but he could tell he wouldn't like it one bit. "Quick, Moony, get on the bed."

"YOU WANT ME TO _WHAT?_"

Sirius was getting impatient. "We're doing this get Snape back, remember?"

"Doing _what_ to get Snape back? And _how_ does _me_ getting on a _bed_ for _you_ facilitate in _any_ _way_ in getting revenge on Snape?"

"Moony, get on the bed before I fart on your face!"

At that, Remus shot on top of the bed sheets but scrambled as far away as he could against the headboard for safety. His frantic eyes shot around at the many mirrors and rather fanciful bed drapes. "I don't like this," he said shrilly. "I don't like this _at all_,"

"Um… Moony?" Sirius started, fingers fidgeting in nerves. "Snape has to catch you and me… I mean, _Rhiana_… you know… doing… it."

Remus paled. "_It?_ Doing _it?_ What _'it'_ are you referring to?"

"_You know_."

"NO, I DON'T KNOW! And will you please put your shirt back on!"

Sirius rolled his eyes. "God knows what you'd be like if I had my trousers off… actually, maybe I should take them off too, to look more authentic." He tugged on his belt but Remus stopped him with a glare.

"If you get any more naked I'm going to bite you!"

Sirius considered this. "Hmm, maybe Snape would take it as kinky…"

Remus threw up his hands in frustration. "I'm getting out of here!" He went to climb off the bed but he froze when the door flung open.

Snape stood at the doorway.

"…Bugger," Remus cursed.

Snape looked between Rhiana, Sirius and the rather tacky bed with a crumbling expression. "Rhiana, what's going on?" he demanded.

The scene was complete.

"I'm sorry for doing this, Moony," Sirius whispered, an apologetic look on his features.

Sirius rarely looked sorry for anything, and Remus replied with a disturbed stare. "For doing whaaa…" he trailed off as Sirius suddenly pushed him back on the bed and kissed him open-widely.

_WAAAAAH_, Remus thought.

_WAAAAAAH_, Sirius also thought. _His tongue is rather bendy… But back to what I was thinking a second ago. WAAAAAAH. _

After a few moments, Sirius tore away from Remus -who was very open mouthed at that precise moment- to send Snape a mischievous smile.

"Hi Snivelly! You just missed me and Rhiana's _romping_ sex!"

Snape turned pale, even more than his usual ghostly complexion, a clear sign he believed the Gryffindor, especially after the vivid kiss he'd been present to see. The devastation -the look of near tears across the Slytherin's face- horrified the boys more than seeing something as haunting such as the Dark Mark. _Good Merlin,_ thought Sirius. _He has emotions?_

"_How could you_," Snape snarled at Remus, looking close to spitting on him. Turning on his heel, he ran from the room, his dark, shadowy robes billowing behind him.

"Well," Sirius said, a little stunned. "Er… I think our work is done, right?"

Remus remained motionless, completely stupefied, his mouth still open from the same position when Sirius' lips had pulled off his. He finally managed to find his voice but could only conjure the words: "Ohmerlinohmerlinohmerlinohmerlin."

"Well, I never thought I'd ever go _that_ far for a prank." Sirius's voice shook. It never shook.

"Ohmerlinohmerlinohmerlinohmerlin."

Sirius studied Remus. "Don't you have any other input on the situation?" he asked quite hysterically.

"Ohmerlinohmerlinohmerlinohmerlin."

"Right," Sirius said. "Well, this has been… _fun_… Snape's face… harhar… har…" His har-hars lacked energy; he was very aware that he had just crossed a few friendship boundaries in the last two minutes. "I have to go now," he announced. Hurriedly grabbing for his shirt and school robes, he made for the exit. "I promised I'd steal Evans' ring for Prongs… then I'll probably kiss a few nameless girls so I'm secure on my homosexuality."

Remus quavered. "Don't you mean _heterosexuality_?"

"Fuck! Yes, that one! Buggering similar words," he muttered to himself. "Well, uh, ta-ta!" He gave Remus an awkward wave as he rushed out of the Room of Requirement.

--------

Lily wrapped her wet hair in a towel after having a late-afternoon shower. Stepping outside of the dormitory bathroom in her bathrobes, she heard the sound of rustling and hushed voices. She looked around the dorm and found it empty, no signs of her fellow dorm mates.

Thinking she was just being paranoid, she crossed the room and sat on her bed.

She immediately sat up again when there were audible squeaks which certainly didn't belong to the mattress.

"Nicole, is that you?" Lily asked, swivelling her head round, looking for her dorm mate to pop out behind a duvet cover and shout 'Boo! Got ya! April fools even though it's not April and you totally cacked your knickers!'

"Who's there?" she asks when she got no answer.

Realising she'd looked around the room at only shoulder length; she looked at ankle height and examined the floor. A wad of black hair stuck out from under her bed.

"_Oh my GOD!_" shrieked Lily. She jumped back, clutching her bathrobe tight around her body as it had been hanging quite slackly. She grabbed for her wand in her pocket but realised it wouldn't be in the pocket of her _bathrobes_. "Who's under my bed? Who's there, _you pervert!_"

She dug her feet under the bed and kicked whatever solid object was there.

"Ow! _Ooow!_ Stop it, _woman!_"

Lily made her own cry of 'Ow!' as whoever was under her bed unexpectedly grabbed her foot and pulled on it.

"Aaargh!" She tumbled backwards and hit the floor with a slam.

Feeling dizzy and disoriented, she massaged the back of her head, not seeing the two bodies under her bed roll from their shelter and get to their feet.

"The ring! Grab the ring!" She heard a voice order.

"This one?" Another voice asked.

"No! That's a sodding keyring! The dodgy ring!"

There were sounds of scrambling, then a noise of glee. "Got it!"

"Woop-de-bloody-do. Now, let's get out of here!"

"_Hey!_" Lily turned on her side, still lying on the floor as she tried to get her eyesight in focus. "What are you taking? Get back here!" She finally managed to get on to her knees and spotted a flurry of school robes dash from the dormitory.

"No they sodding didn't," she said under her breath. She struggled to her feet as she clutched painfully at her newfound headache; she let her hands run through the clutter of her desk side table, searching for it.

The ring was gone.

Her towel had fallen out of her soaked hair as she'd stormed across the dormitory in rage. The second she got at the doorway, she watched the bodies of the Sirius and Peter descend down the newly changed staircase which had been conveniently changed into a slide due to their manly genes.

"I don't know you how you got up here, BUT YOU'RE GOING TO PAY!" she screamed, pushing up the sleeves of her bathrobe in a threatening manner.

She was going to _kill_ those idiots, and that was only if Derrick didn't kill her first for losing that ring.

She was about to join the slide and chase after the thieve,s but a voice stopped her from open doorway of another girls' dormitory.

"You're only wearing your bathrobe _again_, Lily."

She quickly stopped her foot which was in the middle of a step and detracted it. "Thanks!" she told the girl gratefully. "Effing clothes," she mumbled, taking a step backwards. "Imagine if I _had_ gone down the slide wearing only my bathrobe…"

Unfortunately she slipped on her soggy towel.

"Oh fu—AAAARGH!" She screeched, sliding down the smooth staircase.

------------

"What do you mean you've run out of pain relief potions?"

Madam Pomfrey merely shrugged her shoulders, completely baffled. She looked through her potions cabinet again but gave Derrick another grim nod that there were none in stock.

"How can you not have pain relief potions?" he yelled, using a hospital bed post to lean on. He was currently sporting a limping leg and many bruises to his arms and face due to Hogwarts hard staircases. "You're a healing witch! You always have pain relief potions!"

"Calm down," the witch shushed him so he wouldn't awaken other sick patients. "I might have a potion to get rid of those bruises."

After a couple of minutes of searching through the potions cabinet again, Madam Pomfrey turned around with empty hands. The witch shrugged her shoulders once more with an 'Oh well, never mind, eh?' expression.

Derrick was seething.

"That's bad luck, isn't it?" Madam Pomfrey said lightly. Derrick grunted. "All I can offer you is a bed to sleep here tonight, I'm afraid."

Derrick didn't even dignify her with an answer, striding as humanly possible with a limp through the oak doors of the Hospital Wing and slamming them shut.

"Bollocks!" He swore, somehow getting his school robe caught in the doors. He pulled on the robe with all his might until he it eventually tore and he fell backwards.

Coincidentally, the fully dressed Lily nearly tumbled in to him as she stormed down the corridor. She was particular moody after the disaster of shooting into the fully packed common room wearing just her bathrobes and flashing a group of first years with too much _upper skin_. She was planning to find Sirius and Peter, following the trail of cookie crumbs down the corridors and her flowery bra she knew Sirius had probably stolen for James.

"Are you alright?" Lily asked, watching Derrick stumble to his feet. She gasped when she took in his full appearance. "Bloody hell, Derrick. What happened to you?" She furrowed her brow at the dark bruises and wobbly leg. "Your robes torn and your, er, trousers at the back…"

"You don't know how glad I am to see you," Derrick said, yanking her forward with great force so he could kiss her. He needed a stress relief and Lily was handily there to take minimal pain away.

She pulled away curtly. "Derrick, you're injured. You should get some rest in the Hospital wing."

"Oh, that tart won't help me," he referred to Madam Pomfrey. "Let's go." He wrenched roughly at her hand.

"Go where?" Lily asked, her voice tense.

"Broom closet," Derrick replied, as if the answer was simplest in the world.

Lily felt her throat tighten, but she let Derrick drag her along the corridor anyway, pulling her sleeve down over her bare hand.

-----------------

"What?"

"Padfoot, I need to be here _alone_," James emphasised.

Sirius did not understand.

"But…what are you going to do in here?" Sirius waved a hand to the small surroundings of the broom closet. "Jerk off, or something?"

"I'm waiting for _her_."

The term of 'her' would have sounded rough on any other person lips, but they filled with so much compassion that it almost ran through you.

"But…" Sirius began again, rather thwarted, "We can stick around if you want? Like last time."

"Padfoot, come on," Remus cut in, his practised tone of voice dominative but soothing with puppies like Sirius Black. The earlier situation in the Room of Requirement had been completely _erased from his mind_ under the frightening circumstances - in fact, it _didn't happen_. _Nothing happened_.

"Let him do this by himself," Remus added.

Sirius was about to argue but bit his tongue.

"We got the ring."

James' eyes lit up. "You did?"

"Yep," Sirius smiled. Peter scavenged the ring from his trouser pocket and handed it to Sirius. "Heavy bugger," he commented. Sirius twirled the hoop around his finger a couple of times, amused by the spinning and twinkling emerald jewel. "I wonder what it would like on my finger." He slipped it on before any of the boys could protest.

Sirius waved his fingers for all to see. "Oooo! Look at me! I'm Minerva!" All of a sudden, he grabbed Remus' arm and hooked it with his. "And this is my husband, Professor Dumbledore!"

"Alright, you've had your fun, scatterbrains. Now unhook me," Remus said.

Sirius stuck out his tongue but unhooked the poor soul and went to slip the ring off his finger.

"_Good golly gosh!_ The ring is _stuck_!"

"WHAT?"

Sirius chortled. "So gullible," he slid of the ring and put it in James' palm.

"Thanks, Padfoot." James was unsure how to show appreciation without coming across as what he thought was a clear homosexual, so sent him a punch in the arm.

"Ow! The thanks would have been enough!" Sirius complained. "Alright, men!" He addressed Remus and Peter. "Let's go play some wizard chess!" The made their way down down the corridor.

"You did say wizards 'chess' and not wizard's 'chest', right?" Remus asked uncertainly.

"Oh, YEAH, Moony. I said: 'Let's go play with a wizard's CHEST.' Jeez…"

"Alright. You don't have to be so melodramatic."

"No, seriously, let's go make Snape's chest hair turn pink! Except he probably doesn't have any because he's no as MANLY AS I! And not to mention he's a girl…"

James rolled his eyes at such a conversation, hearing his friends' voices quieten as he shut the broom closet door.

This is when he realized: _he was right back where he started_.

"Talk about going round in circles," he muttered.

Standing alone in the darkness of the broom closet was rather… chilling. This time, he had none of his friends' limbs sticking into his stomach or blinding him in the eye.

He was alone.

James wished he accepted Padfoot's invitation of staying with him. He really wouldn't have minded if Sirius cackled like a vampire and tried to groove bite marks into his neck.

He pulled out the Marauders Map from his pocket, muttering the usual 'I solemnly swear…' and unfolded the flaps of parchment until he found his own dot, tracing a finger down the same corridor and finding two more dots coming his way: Derrick and Lily's.

He quickly pressed his eyes to the gap of the door.

"_Derrick_, I _really_ think you should get some rest in the Hospital wing," Lily told him, on the verge of pleading. She tried desperately again to dug her jumper sleeve over the hand he had latched onto as he pulled her along.

Derrick didn't answer and only stared ahead. He finally took attention of Lily once they were outside the door of the broom closet. Derrick swore he saw flashes of hazel orbs in the gap of the door, but before he could ponder it they were gone.

Roughly again, he tugged Lily's hand as he grabbed for the door handle, so much her hand became completely visible from her sleeve.

He saw her delicate fingers.

He saw her _bare delicate finger_.

Lily knew she was in trouble from the second her hand came into view.

"Where's the ring?"

Lily debated her answer - she didn't want to get Sirius and Peter involved. Not only did telling Derrick they had stolen the ring inevitably lead to fights, but she was supposed to be detached from the Marauders all together.

"Where is the ring?" His voice sounded harsher due to her twitchy silence. "_Why_ _aren't you wearing the ring?_"

Lily shrugged, trying to keep the atmosphere as light as possible. "I must've forgotten to put it on-"

"No, you didn't," Derrick cut in tersely. Lily tried a different approach.

"It was kind of tight on my finger," she lied. "So I just-"

He roared, "_I told you to wear it at all times!_"

"Derrick," Lily began tensely, and was nearly laughing at how he had reacted with so much fury. "I don't think it really matters if I don't wear it for a bit."

"Stupid girl!" Derrick fastened on to her wrist and she made cried out, feeling her hand loose blood circulation.

"_You're hurting me!" _She struggled against his fixed grip_. "Get off!_"

Panicking, she continued to wrestle away, until she got so infuriated that she bit on to his hand like a hungry Niffler.

"Aaaargh!" Derrick cried in pain. Instinctively, he hit Lily with a strike across her face.

She quickly felt her legs crumble away from her as she fell to her knees, panting heavily as she clutched her reddened cheek.

"Stupid _mudblood_," he spat at her.

Those were his last words before he was smacked in the side of the head by the flung open broom closet door - of course, James didn't mind that Derrick was now sporting a broken nose from such an impact.

"What the-" Derrick started, clutching his face and pretty astonished by James' sudden appearance. "Where did the hell did _you_ come from?"

James turned to Lily who was kneeling against the corridor wall with a look of shock. "I'm sorry," he told her as a warning for what he was about to do next.

Wands weren't needed now; it was a fight of pride.

James brought back his fist and struck Derrick's already covered face with his hands. Derrick swore loudly and stumbled back at the force. Enraged, he brought his hands down to his sides, blood trickling down his features; dripping over his teeth.

Unexpectedly, Derrick came at James, giving him a blow to the stomach. James didn't justify him with a throbbing moan, and instead grinded his teeth. He made to punch Derrick again but missed as the boy dodged out of the way, giving him another forceful blow to the stomach. It was if words were not needed; every punch or shove meant something, as if it were a secret language ringing in one another's ear.

James had enough of the prancing about, glancing over at Lily's trembling figure, which got him even more heated and alert. He pummelled Derrick in the face and the boy faltered back again, clearly unstable. James was about to give him a punch to the stomach but Derrick fell to the ground, his unconscious body hitting the floor with an echo that rang down the corridor.

James immediately kneeled to Lily's side, wrapping her arms around her quivering figure.

"Sshh…Lily, it's okay now," he soothed her, stroking her hair.

"I don't even know why I'm crying," she admitted, wiping furiously at her streaming eyes. After what had happened she was _embarrassed_ because she was crying in front of James Potter.

"He _hit_ you. That twat _hurt_ you- he _touched_ you," James put her face in her hands and softly wiped her tears away, stroking her throbbing cheek.

Her green orbs only seemed to glisten more. "I shouldn't be crying - he hits like a girl! My sister Petunia hits harder than he does and she looks like a _horse_!" she broke into hard sobbing.

"Right," James almost chuckled at that. He rubbed her back and heat slowly rose back in her – warmth had gone when Derrick had hit her, leaving her cold and shivering. Lily found herself clinging on to him, much more than she would admit. She sniffed as her tears subsided and clutched the back of his robe.

"I lub you."

James' eyes bulged. "You…'lub' me?"

Lily's voice muffled against his chest. "My nose is all clogged up with snot so I can't speak properly…" she mumbled.

"That's nice," James commented on her nose clogging. "You still look gorgeous as ever." He continued soothingly rubbing her back. "I 'lub' you too," he murmured close in her ear. Just as he was going to kiss her forehead, Lily moved her head upwards at the last second so their lips met in a deep kiss. They smiled giddily at each other afterwards.

After a while of just sitting on the floor in each other's arms, Lily stood up and helped James to his feet who was clutching sorely at his stomach.

"You're hurt," Lily stated, guilty.

James batted a hand, trying to disguise the unbearable wince on his face. "It's nothing," he wheezed.

Lily stroked warmly at his stomach and James felt undoubtedly better. With another meaningful kiss from Lily, James felt his hand brushing tenderly with her fingers as she grasped his hand.

"Hey…what are you-" James began, aware that Lily was pulling him somewhere.

She hushed him and gave her a warm smile. With a gentle tug, she drew James into the broom closet; both stepping over Derrick's unconscious sprawled out body, and enclosed them inside with a soft click of the door shutting.

The second the closet door fastened, Sirius whipped the invisibility cloak off him and his two friends.

"Oh, that did NOT just happen," Sirius spoke with an arm on his hip, completely baffled. He gave a prod to Derrick in the stomach to check if he wasn't some sort of an illusion, announcing him as real as Derrick made a comatose whimper of pain.

"Oh, _it did_," Remus confirmed.

"Hmm," Sirius said suspiciously. In one swift motion, he turned the door handle of the broom closet and hurled it open. The three watched their fourth comrade snog inside the enclosed space, most avidly with the redhead, obviously making up for lost time. The boy's heads twisted from one side to the other, observing Lily's hands run through James' wild hair whilst James caressed her cheek and leaned her against the broom closet wall.

They broke apart, flushing, but managed to shout a loud, 'BUGGER OFF!'

"Righto," Sirius said, closing the door at once.

The boys stood in the corridor in silence.

"So," Peter said, conversationally.

"So," Sirius echoed.

The duo looked at Remus.

Remus sighed. "So," he repeated, to the boys' wishes.

Peter knocked his fists together, admiring the way it formed a small rapping sound.

Sirius tapped his foot rhythmically against the floor, obviously bored rigid.

Remus fiddled with his clothing, trailing his fingernails at the corner of his tattered robe.

"Want to go spy on them through the keyhole?" Sirius asked.

"No!" Remus declined, quite appalled.

Sirius pouted. "Why not?"

"Because that would be disgusting."

"And there's no keyhole!"

"Right you are, Pete," Sirius said. "_And_ there's no keyhole."

-------------

The next morning, Derrick felt his entire body ache. He woke up and was faced with bed curtains, realising he was somehow placed in his own dormitory, though he had no recollection of even walking up the common room stairs to get there.

He sat up, nasty images of what had happened with James and Lily flashing through his mind. In desperate need of the bathroom, he flung open the nearest curtain of his bed.

"WAAAH!"

The entire dormitory was covered with bleached hedgehogs.

-------------

**The End**

(**AN:** The sequel to this story is called 'You give me heart palpitations.' Click on my profile if it's easier to find, and thanks for reading, papooses! Love you all nauseatingly!)


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